Smoke curled lazily above a forest clearing, where something had recently gone very, very wrong. The earth was scorched, the trees sizzled with leftover sparks of mana, and in the middle of the chaos lay a single glowing card, half-buried in the dirt.
The card shimmered faintly, its surface etched with fiery runes that pulsed like a heartbeat.
Then something slimy slithered into view.
A small, translucent blob—an ordinary dungeon slime—bounced curiously toward the glowing object. It wobbled once, twice, then stopped right in front of it. Inside its gelatinous body, bubbles of curiosity swirled.
"...Mmm. Smells spicy," it thought—or whatever passed for thought in a slime's wobbly mind.
And then it did what slimes do best.
It ate it.
The forest exploded.
A sphere of light and heat rippled outward, sending birds shrieking into the sky. When the dust finally settled, the clearing looked like it had been struck by divine wrath.
And lying face-down in a smoking crater was a human.
He groaned, lifted his head, and coughed out a small puff of smoke. "Ow… What… happened? Did I… get eaten?"
He blinked. Wait. He had eyes now. And a tongue. And a nose? He poked his face curiously. "Soft… but also hard. Weird."
Then he noticed his hands. Fingers. Nails. Joints that bent. "Oh wow! My noodles have bones!"
A chime rang out beside him.
"Congratulations!"
"You have violated approximately seven magical safety laws!"
A tiny light appeared, hovering a few inches above the ground. It unfolded into a holographic fairy—a small, blue-haired sprite with glowing wings and the dead eyes of someone who has seen too many system errors.
The boy blinked. "Whoa! Talking light snack!"
"Excuse me? I'm not a snack! I'm Mira, your Tutorial Spirit!"
"Tutorial? Is that a kind of food?"
"No. It means I explain things. Like how you just ate a Sorcery Card."
"Oh, that spicy thing? Yeah, it was delicious."
"That 'spicy thing' was a Fireball spell!"
"Ohhhh. That explains the fire inside my belly." He looked down and patted his stomach. "It feels tingly."
"That's called pain, you absolute anomaly."
First Steps and Immediate Regret
Rein—though he didn't know that name yet—spent the next few minutes trying to stand. It did not go well.
He wobbled. He tipped. He faceplanted into the dirt.
Mira hovered above him, expressionless. "Humans have two legs. You are currently using… none of them."
"I'm trying!" he grunted, pushing himself upright. "These noodle-sticks keep rebelling!"
"Those are legs."
He managed to stand for three triumphant seconds before gravity reminded him who was boss. Thud.
"Okay," he mumbled into the soil. "Walking is hard. Crawling feels safer."
"You were a slime five minutes ago. Adjusting to a skeletal structure takes time."
"Skele-what-now?"
"Never mind." Mira sighed. "Just… try not to eat anything glowing."
Rein perked up. "But glowing things taste the best!"
"...You are going to be the end of civilization."
He grinned brightly, completely missing the insult. Then his stomach growled. Loudly. "Uh oh. I'm hungry again."
"You just incinerated half a forest!"
"Yeah, but that was breakfast."
Enter the Exasperated Priestess
By late morning, the smoke had drawn attention.
A young priestess named Lyra Ardent, carrying a basket of herbs, followed the trail of burned grass into the forest. Her white robes were neat, her silver hair tied up, her expression calm… until she found the crater.
And the boy in it, wrestling with a tree root.
"What in the gods' name—?!"
Rein froze mid-tug. "Oh! Hello! Do you know how to stop the ground from biting?"
Lyra blinked. "…Are you… alright?"
"I think so! I used to be goo, but now I have these!" He wiggled his fingers proudly.
She stared. "…You used to be what?"
"A slime! But then I ate something shiny, and boom! Now I'm… whatever this is."
Lyra dropped her basket. "You ate something magical?!"
"Yup. Very tasty. A bit hot, though."
She hurried forward, examining him for burns. "You're lucky to be alive! Most people would've exploded!"
Mira: "He did. Several times, technically."
Lyra's eyes widened at the fairy. "You have a familiar spirit?!"
Mira sighed. "Regrettably, yes."
Rein tilted his head. "You're nice. Are you food?"
Lyra blanched. "Wh—No!"
"Oh good. You smell too holy anyway."
How to Human (Badly)
Lyra decided the boy clearly needed help—medical, magical, and possibly divine. She led him back to her small cottage at the edge of the village.
"Okay," she said, once he was seated on her floor and clothed in a spare tunic. "Let's start simple. What's your name?"
He blinked. "Name?"
"Yes, what people call you."
He frowned thoughtfully. "People used to call me 'Get away, slime!' Does that count?"
Lyra sighed. "We'll… call you Rein. It means 'clean' in Old Tongue."
He brightened. "Clean! I like that! Wait—what's 'clean'?"
She resisted the urge to smack her forehead. "It means not dirty. Speaking of which—don't eat anything."
Rein nodded solemnly.
Five seconds later, he ate the soap.
Mira: "I warned you."
Lyra shrieked. "Why?!"
"It smelled nice!" he mumbled, blowing bubbles from his mouth. "See? I'm clean inside now!"
The afternoon became a parade of small disasters.
Rein tried to put on pants backward ("Why are these leg-bags fighting me?"), called chairs "flat monsters," and mistook a broom for a feral creature.
Lyra patiently corrected him at first. Then less patiently. Then not at all.
Finally, she slumped into a chair and groaned. "You don't even know what humans are, do you?"
He blinked. "Sure I do. They're like me! But louder. And with smaller stomachs."
Mira: "Technically accurate, disturbingly phrased."
Still, despite the chaos, Lyra couldn't help but soften toward him. When Rein smiled, it wasn't like anyone else's smile—it was pure, like a child discovering color for the first time.
"Thank you," he said suddenly.
"For what?" she asked.
"For not stabbing me yet."
She blinked, startled. "Why would I stab you?"
"Most things do," he said simply. "It's how they say hello."
Something inside her twisted. Maybe he really had been a monster. But he was trying so hard just to exist.
Explosion of Self-Discovery
That night, Lyra was asleep when a loud crash came from outside.
Mira's voice screeched, "REIN, NO!"
Lyra bolted up, grabbed a lamp, and rushed outside—just in time to see Rein standing by the shrine, holding another glowing card.
"What are you doing?!"
He smiled innocently. "It was glowing, so I thought it was food."
Mira: "That's a TELEPORTATION CARD!"
"Oh," Rein said cheerfully. "Then maybe I'll end up somewhere tasty."
He popped it into his mouth.
The world exploded in light again. Lightning crackled through the air, the ground shook, and Lyra screamed as Rein began to levitate, glowing bright gold.
"REIN!"
Mira: "You absolute disaster! You could end up in a volcano or—"
POP! Rein vanished.
The clearing went silent except for the faint sizzling of burnt grass.
Lyra stared at the empty space where he'd been. "...He's dead, isn't he?"
Mira floated down beside her, facepalming. "Statistically? Probably. But narratively? No."
A faint echo drifted from somewhere impossibly far away.
"Miraaa! Where's my bodyyyyy?!"
And with that, the Card Eater's ridiculous journey truly began.