The guild hall loomed before Rein like a castle of shininess and danger. Flags snapped in the wind. Polished armor gleamed. Adventurers moved about like statues of perfect humans… perfectly coordinated humans, none of whom seemed to have slime in their veins.
Rein's new human eyes widened. "So many shiny things…" He bounced on his feet, unable to decide which wonder to investigate first.
Mira grabbed his shoulder. "Rein. Focus. We're here to—"
"—SIGN UP AS A HERO!" Rein interrupted with sparkling enthusiasm.
"No, we're not signing you up. You might explode, eat someone, or—"
He was already halfway to the front desk.
The receptionist, a young woman with a bored expression, glanced up. "Ah, a new recruit! Welcome! Name?"
Rein tilted his head. "I'm Rein. Formerly slime. Now… well… human-ish."
The woman blinked. "Uh… okay. New recruit." She handed him a clipboard. "Sign here for basic registration, then orientation."
Rein stared at it. A stack of papers, stiff and white, gleaming like the surface of a magical artifact. Something about them screamed shiny snack.
"Do I… eat it first?" he murmured. He licked the edge of the first page.
Mira yelped. "REIN! That's—don't—what are you doing?!"
He blinked innocently. "It tastes like bureaucracy."
The receptionist coughed into her hand. "He… eats things?"
Mira rubbed her temples. "Not… everything. Just… cards and shiny stuff. Mostly."
A towering man with perfect armor strode in. Officer Galren. His mustache glistened like a weapon. "Priestess Mira. I take it you've brought… him?"
"Hello, sir," Rein said cheerfully, waving a sticky page.
Galren's eyes narrowed. "Is that… the Card Eater?"
Rein's head tilted. "Do I get a badge?"
Mira groaned. "No. You're going to blend in and not eat anything important."
Rein bounced in place. "Blend in. Got it." He promptly tripped over his own feet, sending him sprawling into a display of training swords. A wooden practice blade slid across the floor and lodged neatly into a dummy's chest. Rein stared. "Did I win?"
The dummy did not respond. Mira facepalmed.
By late morning, Rein had decided the best way to "train like a human" was… physically.
Mira lined him up with a sword in the guild courtyard. "Alright. First, stance. Feet shoulder-width apart. Grip the sword—"
Rein twirled it like a baton. "Like this?"
"No!" Mira shouted. "Straight, firm—"
"Dance!" Rein shouted. He spun, tripped, and went headfirst into the fountain. Water splashed everywhere. Birds scattered. A nearby cat hissed.
Mira groaned from the sidelines. "Your sense of balance is criminal."
Rein surfaced, water dripping from his hair. "This is so much fun! Does this make me heroic yet?"
Mira ignored him. She had bigger problems. In his pocket, a leftover Fireball card from his previous mishap was glowing faintly. Rein had forgotten it existed.
"Oh!" he said. "What's this shiny thing?" He pulled it out, admiring the glow. "Can I taste it?"
Mira's scream cut through the courtyard. "NOOOOOOOO—"
A small pop! The Fireball card flared to life. Flags singed. Rein's tunic smoked. A nearby banner curled into a crisp spiral. Rein grinned. "I did a magic trick!"
The other recruits ducked. Officer Galren pinched the bridge of his nose. Mira muttered, "Why did I agree to this?"
By afternoon, the council convened to discuss a different matter: the Cardion.
Rein, oblivious, sat in the corner chewing on a scroll. Mira pinched the bridge of her nose. "Rein! Stop tasting things!"
Council members glared. "Priestess, your… pet… is chewing our documents."
Rein raised a hand. "I'm not a pet! I'm a… magical consultant!" He burped, and a tiny soap bubble floated up.
Galren cleared his throat. "We have reason to believe a Cardion is forming nearby. Card Energy has been detected in excessive concentration."
"Cardion?" Rein tilted his head. "Is that a snack?"
Mira's jaw dropped. "No! It's a dangerous dungeon! You—don't—touch anything!"
Rein frowned. "I promise! Mostly. Maybe a little bite. Only if it sparkles."
The council muttered nervously. They didn't know whether to be horrified or fascinated. Mira, meanwhile, realized Rein was probably the key to understanding the anomaly.
"If we leave him behind, he might draw it toward the village," she muttered under her breath. "If we bring him… he might draw it toward the village."
"Either way," Galren said grimly, "he comes along. Under supervision."
Mira groaned. "Why is it always me?"
After the council, the duo wandered the village streets. Rein attempted to "blend in," with predictably disastrous results.
He spotted a horse and, thinking it shiny and magical, reached out. "Can I taste your mane?"
Mira yanked him back. "No. You cannot taste the horse!"
Next, he hugged a merchant, assuming hugs were some form of currency. The merchant sputtered, papers flying everywhere.
"Oh! Magic money!" Rein cheered. "I got it!"
Mira pulled him away. "That's not how human interaction works."
Finally, a glowing lantern caught his attention. "Sparkly card!" he whispered. He touched it—and a tiny pulse of light streamed toward him. "Delicious!"
Mira collapsed in the dirt. "I give up."
Villagers whispered among themselves. "That's the recruit? He glows. And leaves bubbles everywhere."
Rein waved happily. "Hello, everyone! I'm heroic!"
Night settled on the guild inn. Mira finally tucked Rein into bed—he insisted on sleeping under a blanket full of soap bubbles.
"You're lucky I didn't have to chain you up," she muttered.
Rein yawned. "I'll try not to eat anything shiny tomorrow."
"…That's not comforting," she said.
"I mean it! You didn't throw me out, Mira. That counts for something."
She sighed and smiled faintly. "You're impossible, Rein. But… you're my impossible problem now."
Just as silence settled, a small crunch echoed.
Mira's eyes snapped open. "Rein. What did you just eat?"
He swallowed. "…Your night-light. It sparkled."
Her scream was louder than anything in the inn's history.