Chapter 19 — Mary the Paralegal (Schemes, Sisters & Savage Truths)
Ted Mosby believed desperation looked like hope.
Barney Stinson believed desperation looked like opportunity.
And Ivar Scherbatsky? He believed desperation looked like a warning sign — one you ignored at your own peril.
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The Setup at MacLaren's
Barney leaned across the booth, eyes gleaming. "Ted. Tonight. Gala. Women. Destiny."
Ted frowned. "I don't have a date."
"Correction," Barney said, pointing finger guns. "You don't yet have a date. But guess what? I got you one."
Marshall blinked. "Wait… you hired Ted a—?"
"Companion," Barney cut in quickly. "Classy. Elegant. Professional."
Lily folded her arms. "You mean a prostitute."
Barney smirked. "Technicalities."
Ted buried his face in his hands. "This is humiliating."
At the bar, Ivar sipped whiskey. "Correction: this is catastrophic. There's no dignity in outsourcing romance to someone charging by the hour."
Barney turned on him. "Easy for you to say, Canadian Clooney. Some of us don't have billions, cheekbones, and swords."
Ivar smirked. "And yet you still think you're my competition."
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Enter Yvonne
Before Ted could bolt, Yvonne appeared, sliding into the booth with Ivar.
"Work meeting ran late," she said, taking his glass. "Caught the last round?"
"You don't want to," Ivar said dryly. "Barney's selling Ted a rental girlfriend."
Yvonne blinked, then laughed. "Please tell me this is a bit."
Ted groaned. "It's not a bit."
Robin raised her glass. "Welcome to the jungle."
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The Gala
That night, Ted walked into the fancy gala with Mary on his arm — stiff, nervous, radiating panic.
Barney strutted ahead, grinning like a proud pimp.
Marshall and Lily trailed, whispering about whether they should intervene.
Robin arrived separately, looking dazzling, smirk loaded.
And Ivar? He walked in with Yvonne, calm as ever, a silent shadow making everyone else look like amateurs.
"Wow," Yvonne murmured, scanning the room. "So this is your circle."
"This is my entertainment," Ivar corrected.
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The Reveal
Dinner was chaos:
Ted tried way too hard to impress Mary.
Robin needled him mercilessly, dropping lines like, "So, Ted, how much does true love charge by the hour these days?"
Barney smirked at his masterpiece like a child with finger-paint.
Ivar and Yvonne whispered commentary the whole time, trading deadpan observations.
At last, the truth came out — Mary wasn't a prostitute at all. She was a paralegal Barney tricked Ted into believing was for hire.
Ted's face went crimson. "Barney, I cannot believe you—"
"Correction," Ivar cut in. "You should have believed him. This is exactly his level."
Yvonne choked on her drink, laughing. "Oh my God, you weren't kidding. Your friends are chaos incarnate."
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Closing Beat
At the end of the night, Ted sulked, Robin laughed, Marshall and Lily tried to smooth things over, and Barney insisted the evening was still "legendary."
Ivar walked Yvonne to her car, calm as ever.
"Still think you'll like working with me?" he asked, teasing.
She smirked. "I don't know. Hanging around you means hanging around them. That's a lot of secondhand embarrassment."
"You'll adapt," Ivar said, green eyes gleaming.
And as the city lights reflected in her smile, it was clear: Yvonne wasn't just a guest star. She was staying.