"The day I laid my gaze upon those eyes, there was something to it. Life suddenly felt a little warmer. Although he was cold, he was warm too."—Aeshi.
December/21/????
Days of fatigue, sadness, and despair. Daily cold sweats. Staggered walking. Every day was virtually the same. I wake up drenched in my sweat, whether I had a nightmare or not—not that I could remember my dreams anyway. When I tossed off those covers, I'd instantly be chilled by the surrounding air. I'd wake up in the middle of the night, dazed and confused. In a pitch black room, I'd feel myself touching the hard bed—which made my back as stiff as steel—looking for my phone. Most of the time, my phone would be nowhere to be found because I tossed it off the bed while thrashing around.
With my ears still numb from lying on my side, I could never hear anything more than my heartbeat in that dark… at least for a few seconds. With sound slowly seeping into my senses, I could start to hear the fans' noise overtake my heartbeat in my ear as it started to fade, and then slowly the ticking of the clock as well, and then finally I could hear the yelling that would always happen right outside my door to the left, in the kitchen.
Usually, I would have just gone back to bed, but today the exhaustion suddenly turned to anger. That black orb of barbed wire that vibrated within my chest and wrapped around my heart could no longer be contained; those barbs that gashed, squeezed, and contorted my heart with a sensation of fear and sorrow suddenly cut deeper than ever before. This was one of the few days I had an almost guaranteed solace. My problems would be gone just for today, at least. Usually, this day was so unbelievably blissful that it seemed fantastical. I always loved making those cookies for "Santa," who I now know was just my mom, and laughing with my sister when we inevitably messed up the recipe. I loved opening those presents and competing with my sister as to who got the better one. And I especially loved teasing my sister when I won, even though I would pout when I lost. I love the white of the snow and how serene the scenery was in the morning before those pesky cars disturbed the peaceful and stagnant snow. But today, it was different. Today I had no luxuries. Today, it was just reality. Today, it just hurts.
I was far too young to even comprehend what was happening, but it felt like a heartburn burn, but it was far crueler than that. This emotion was too complex; it was nothing simple enough to be described with a word. The only way to describe it would be to define its complexity. I could feel the tension that this emotion placed in my chest; I could feel something akin to anger or frustration, but at the same time, paradoxically, I felt no annoyance. I could feel sorrow, fear, and loneliness, and on top of it all, jealousy, but for whom? I could never say. This emotion was a synthesis of almost all negative emotions. Nothing short of a mutt. An absolute chimera. But what defined it most was that sensation around my neck, which felt like a leash that was holding me back yet pulling me away, which also came with the heat of blood rushing to my head and ears.
Today was different for some reason. Perhaps I had had enough of it. All of it. And that day was what broke the camel's back. And so I groggily slid my feet from my bed, touched the tile floor of my room, and took a few steps to the door. The tile was cold, as usual, and I could feel the heat being drawn from my feet, which caused me to shiver. As I reached for the doorknob and wrapped my fingers around it, I found that it was just as cold as the tile. I opened the door, and the emotion was suddenly combined with confusion. As the kitchen light hit my eyes, I was blinded as my eyes quickly contracted and strained uncomfortably. I raised my hand in front of my eyes and flickered away from the light momentarily, until I adjusted to the light, and I could see what was going on.
Aeshi: Hey, stop. Guys, what? No, what's happening? What's going on? Someone tell me! Stop it, this is scaring me. Mom!? What's going on? What's happening?
There were no words even being spoken, just screaming, senseless screaming like a hound and glass shattering. My mom threw a cup at my dad, and he dodged it. But since they were so tangled in their mess, they didn't even notice the cup hit me and shattered, slashing right under my eye. It left a hideous laceration. I would try to stop them, but it was pointless…
Aeshi: Hey, stop. Guys, what? No, what's happening? What's going on? Someone tell me! Stop it, this is scaring me. Mom!? What's going on? What's happening?
The hollering turned into screaming that carried meaning, but it was an ugly, no hideously repugnant one.
Mom: We are fucking broke because you spent all that fuicking money on that goddam whore.
Dad: I-I-I Kn
Mom: No, you don't fucking know you have two daughters and a wife, and yet YOU, YOU fucking weren't satisfied over and over I asked you to change and you said you would. And I trusted you because I couldn't fucking breathe without you.
You were my life, my fucking air, the blood that ran through my veins, the thoughts that crossed my fucking mind. Not that fucking whores, she fucked you for money. Hell, I would argue that to be an overstatement. Her ruanchy ass was probably too fucking high and drunk off cigarettes and vodka to even realize she was fucking you! Well!? What do you have to say?
Dad: two…
Mom: Two what motherfucker!?
Dad: two families she…she got pregnant… she had a son… That's why I spent that money.
Mom: You fucking asshole, god dammit you… You fucking piece of shit! Why? Why, why, why wasn'tI fucking enough? WHY!? TELL ME WHY! /AHhh!/
After that, she just screamed. I couldn't tell if it was screams of rage or sorrow. But in all honesty, I think it was both. I think those were the type of screams a victim of torture would wail. Those screams were only known by those who have had their heart torn out, wrung, and roasted. She was surely alive/ she was right in front of me, and yet in the deepest corner in the maze of my mind, I realized that part of my mother died that day. She was surely falling vigorously, but it wasn't because she was full of life. The flailing was more akin to rigor mortis. Her hands and spine would curl feebly but quickly, as you could see the tremors vibrate her whole body. Her fingers would curl and sprawl in pain as if her nails were being pulled by pliers. Her eyes and mouth were shivering as if she were on the verge of frostbite. Tears rolled down her cheek like a fountain that lay outside a cemetery—the cacophony of the chattering of teeth. The deep inhale taken through the teeth that sounded like it froze her gums, followed by that visceral bloody Mary scream as if she just witnessed death…no, because she just witnessed a death. They all violated your ears in agony, piercing the fabric of your mind as you felt the needle of sound gouge and pry out your ear drums to seep into your mind, and you could feel that cold frigid spout of that mettle kettle of sound be forced into your ears and fill your skull with that black viscous liquid of sorrow that weighed you down for as long as you lived. To say she was alive at that moment would be a euphemism. Her agony shook her whole body, her tears could break a dam, and her pain could last generations. The type of pain no one could understand. The pain that one could never describe. The type of pain that would burn itself into your brain and echo in every hall of your mind like a frigid wind chilling you to your core until the day you go senile.
Soon, she started throwing more than just cups. She threw knives, pans, and plates. I tried to stop the fight, even though I had no idea why they were fighting at the time. As a knife lodged itself into the wall in front of me, I took but a single step.
...
….
[Black]
….
...
???: " Hey. …..just…. wait."
…At the end of the day, I was just a kid
***
???:" Aeshi, Aeshi, wake up, AESHI!"
The room was cold, and yet paradoxically, she woke up in a sweat. Although she was shivering, she felt the gentle, hot searing of her skin along the trails of sweat that dripped down her face and body.
Upon jolting upright and tossing her fluffy white comforter off of her, she instantly felt the gentle, chilled fingers of air sweeping over her body. Tensing upon from the sudden cold, she closed her eyes and shook her head. After breaking through the surface tension of sleep, her vision was still blurry as if she was looking through a lens of water. She couldn't see the figure calling her name. She tightly shut her eyes and rubbed her fingers along her eyebags gently to clear her vision, and thus the blurry figure slowly became visible.
[As Aeshi blinked once more, a screen of black enveloped this plane from top to bottom, only to recede from bottom to top, and now we see through the eye of the storm— the eyes of Aeshi— as the black recedes]
"Huh, yes, Mom?" I muttered, my vision hazy from exhaustion.
"Your father," she said, her voice clipped.
"Oh, damn it," I said under my breath. Those words sent a spike through my heart.
"He wants you to go speak to him. He's in the living room."
"Really...What does he want?" My voice quivered as I gave an annoyed expression, pulling the blanket over my head.
"Aeshi, please," her voice cracked, pleading.
"Argh, okay," I said begrudgingly.
"Hey…Honey, he loves you… He really does," she was trying to ease me.
"Honestly, I wish He didn't even care," I mumbled with my voice cracking.
My mother's lips trembled, and her eyes clouded with guilt. I could tell—she was blaming herself again.
How could she blame herself? What could she have done? We were both just victims.
I wish she could recognize that…I wish she could forgive herself.
"Aeshi," she whispered, breaking the silence.
"Please, honey"
"Please. I just…I just want my baby to know her father. "I just want you to know he loves you," her face crumpled, "so please…just humor me, honey. Just this once… please."
I could see the sorrow when my mom spoke; it shattered me.
"Okay, Mom, I'll be down in a bit, and I love you."
"I love you too, honey." Her smile wasn't one that quite reached her eyes.
She was so sweet, but oh, Mom, you don't even know half of it, and I couldn't bear to tell you. Where would I even start? How would someone even go about confessing that? It doesn't even matter anymore. It's not like I'm planning on telling anyone anytime soon anyway. Now, what should I wear? A few ideas popped into my head. I could wear my red sundress—I love the red. It always reminded me of the field of roses at the nearby park and their lovely scent. —or maybe just some jeans and a crop top. Dressing up always made me so happy. It's one of the few times when I get to focus on myself. It's liberating. It's the only time I get to make a decision. For myself, nobody can say anything about it. Yet all of that joy was stolen when I remembered why I was getting ready. I'm going to meet that…man. My teeth were gritting just thinking about it. It gave me a cottonmouth.
Aeshi: "How could he?"
Aeshi: "dammit… "
I guess I'll just have to settle for a hoodie. I stood there getting dressed to see him, memories of the past began to creep back in, they left scars deeper than anything I could ever see.
"Dammit…"
Years ago, I had asked myself the same questions…why me?
"God dam~mit"
My eyes began to tremble, and slowly, I collapsed to my knees, my body shaking with the weight of it all as the tears piled up along the rim of my eyes.
"Why me? God, tell me wh~y?" my voice broke, barely a whisper, carrying years of pain.
I wanted to weep on that floor forever. But I've never had that luxury, so I pushed it down and buried it like always. After finishing my shower, I reached for the handle slowly. I could feel the anxiety churning in my chest, my hands trembling. I grasped the cold metal and turned.
At the top of the stairs, the pressure hit me like a wave. I could already feel it—nerve-wracking, suffocating. My breath grew heavy, as if I were inhaling smog. The wood creaked with every step as I descended, the stench of cigarettes growing unbearably strong, until I met his gaze.
My heart spiked, and my skin flushed white, as if I were. The only word I could muster was a stifled "hey."
My father grinned, his eyes squinted in amusement.
"Ahhh, Aeshiii," he said, his arms splayed wide. He reached me before I even realized it. "Ahh, Aeshi, why so awkward? I just want to see you."
I flinched as he ensnared me in his arms.
"I love you, darling," he whispered in my ear.
He put his hand on my shoulder, and my chest grew tighter with every second. My hoodie started to feel like a straitjacket.
"How are you doing, dear?" he asked, his hand still latched on my shoulder.
All I could muster was a choked wisp of air.
The pressure was crushing, my heart began to: Beat BEat BEAt BEAT
*SHUFFLE* Suddenly, he flinched, letting go.
My body jolted as something grabbed my leg. It was my little brother, Na-seong, my little star.
"Aeshi! I missed you so much, sis!" he said in excitement. His joy has always been contagious; I couldn't help but let out a gleaming smile.
"I miss you, too, little man, you're growing up on me, aren't you?"
"Yeah, sis, I grew a uhh this much!" he said proudly while holding up three fingers.
"Wow, a whole three centimeters, you better tell Mister Yang Dong-geun you're coming for his trophies," I said with a smile.
"Woah, you really think so, sis? You think I could be like him, like really, really?"
"For sure, little man, you could be whoever you want to be, my little rock star."
"So I could be like you, too, sis?! I wanna be like sis."
"Of course you could, you are my little brother after all," she said, ruffling Seong's hair.
**** Na-seong (little brother)***
Big sis is always so strong. Could I really be like her?
I'm going to be like sis one day!
***Aeshi***
Na-seong hugged me tighter.
Dad: "Hey!"
The moment stuttered, I glanced back up to him.
"I'm going to leave…" he said reluctantly, "...and your brother can stay…."
I glanced down to see Na-seong beaming with excitement.
"Let's get out of here, lil man, let's go have some fun."
The breath my brother gives, his light, his flame, I'll protect it before it's too late, I swear it…
***
The light innocent giggles, the rhythmic clatter of heels. The shimmering blue light, the smell of coffee accompanied by chatter from a nearby cafe, and the cold glass against my palm. Nothing could compare, and my brother seemed to agree, his cheek pressed against the glass, entranced by their beauty.
I had never thought about it, but today my imagination ran wild for the first time in a while. And for once, I think I could say why. This time, the haze on the lens of my emotions has cleared, if even only for a little bit, and I could feel it. Each breath was cold but not frigid. The air would flow into my nose, and I could feel it gracefully cool my lungs. I closed my eyes for a little while and listened to the noise around me. The chatter, giggles, laughs, and the clatter of heels all sounded crisp. With my eyes still closed, I took a deep breath of cool air and let it go through my mouth, and opened my eyes. My chest felt light.
As to what I was imagining. The fish in front of me
"Aeshi…do you think I could be one of them one day?" His voice was small, almost like he was afraid that I'd laugh.
I giggled, but it was weak, fragile.
Sometimes I wonder how that life would be—how it would feel for them to delicately float there, embraced by water, bathed by light.
In truth, I envy them. They float weightlessly, in tranquility, with no worries, no threats, no pressure—just existence.
I want to give him that type of life.
Even if it's already too late for me.
But one thought seeped into my mind as I gazed at the joy and amusement on my little brother's face. Could I really protect him? Even when I couldn't protect Myeon.
With the giant room immersed in blue, with the rays of light shimmering on the tile floor coming from a graduation glass pane the size of a basketball court, you finally relax. With a small hand in your hand, you can feel warm emanating from your palm as the soothing air gently brushes against your skin.
Suddenly, a dark blue shadow approaches the glass, and as you see this sight from a distance, you can feel its grandiosity flood the scene. As the massive silhouette becomes visible, an echo of a whale's call hums through the aquarium, accompanied by gasps of amazement.