"I was on fire. I was burning. Her body felt like warm laundry out of the dryer, so tender, A fire in the blizzard."—Aerin.
She was such a beautiful woman, her hands were so sleek, but to me they seemed so…embracing. The way they would cover the cuts and bruises from childhood was so gentle.
As I stared at her, I could see her hand gently cup mine and turn them: she was checking for cuts. Her eyes were slightly squinted, and her brows furrowed. Her face had a concerned frown.
Mom: "Let's get this wrapped up."
Aerin: "Okay, Argh"
Mom: "Sorry, I need to clean the cuts first. So tell me and don't lie, what were you doing for your hand to get scratched up like this? You look like beef jerky."
Aerin: "I was walking from school and found a cat, but it wasn't nice."
Mom: Aww, baby stray cats are very nasty; they aren't going to be welcoming when you try to touch them."
Aerin: "imm sowry"
Mom: It's okay, I'm just glad you're safe."
She laughed
??? : AERIN!
Quite the warm memory, but to say the least, reminiscing right now was not the best idea. He was daydreaming in the middle of a pre-race interview.
Reporter: "Mr.Shin, given your results, do you think you can win tonight ?"
Aerin: "I couldn't tell you, but I've got a mother to make proud."
Reporter: "Is your mother the reason you race?"
Aerin: "I… I mean, you could say that, but that….I'm sorry, that's for now."
The herd of interviewers screamed at the top of their lungs for another comment, but Aerin walked off stage while he was bathed in camera flashes.
As he entered his team's quarters, he was greeted by several people. The team manager, the pit crew, mechanics, data analyzers, and a few suits whom he had no idea of, oh, and also there was the other driver, he was strictly there for regulations' sake, his car was comically slow and ragged, and rarely made it into the top half of the races.
Ignoring his teammates, he walked toward the very back of the room to his own personal room. Stepping inside his quarter, he walked over to his helmet, placed it on the desk, and slid it on. Once the helmet was on, he heard a muffled bell chime through its thick padding, which declared the race was within ten minutes.
The chime was familiar, almost. His mind couldn't help but search its chasms for its source. Before long, his memories surfaced, and his mind began to play through its past. Within a few seconds, he had lost track of all time and was transported to an ice cream parlor of the past.
Sitting, I could always hear the peaceful bell chimes followed by the beating steps of children running past.
Then their hollow taps on the glass while they smiled, saying something like "Momma, can I get that flavor?"
Their joy was soothing at the time, but of course, I was never aware of it since I was so young.
When my mom took me there, she always posed the same question.
"Aerin, so how is school going?" Her voice was always so sweet
Yet I was slow to answer; I was always so scared that I might disappoint.
"Ehh, I hate math," I would always say, looking down.
Then she'd giggle and let out her bright smile.
"Hehe, that bad, huh? Don't worry, I don't think much of an Einstein myself..
I couldn't help but let out a smile too.
There was something about that smile of hers that would light up my day… no, not my day but my life as I carried it in the realm of my mind for eternity. Her smile to me was like a matador's cape to a bull. But I was never enraged by it like a bull, no, I was entranced. You could see it reach each side of her face as it left dimples. You could see her eyes slightly squint. I never could understand why, but the way her eyes squinted reminded me of when she tucked me into bed with a gentle kiss and a lullaby while running her fingers through my hair. Her eyes would glisten and shimmer like gems. And she'd always accompany that smile with a little giggle. Her smile felt like a ray of sun shining from the red sunset on the horizon through the windows of the parlor.
"I know you'll get through it, honey. I believe in you," she said
Then I tapped my cup.
Tap.
Tap.
Tap.
That reminds me of something …Something I would've rather forgotten
Tap. Tap. Tap.
Dad would always start tapping his foot right before he exploded
Tap. Tap. Tap.
" You've always been so worthless!"
He'd usually pace back and forth, scrambling his hair with his long nails.
'"You're a worthless leech of a wife!"
I tried to stop them from flooding back into my mind
"When did I want to marry you! Let alone have a bastard with you!"
But the memories always win.
His anger was like a feral dog; when he was made, his sole purpose was to mutate the other person. And it only got worse when he was drunk.
"Honey, calm down, please! Aerin is here."
*SMACK*
It usually took only one smack for him to send my mom to the floor with one hand on her red cheek.
"SHUT UP BITCH I'M THINKING!"
"I afford the fix if we gotta keep supporting him! DAMMITTT! He should just end it already!
He was a maniac; there was no doubt about it. He comes home with bags of pills, needles, and bottles. We had more drugs in that house than we did water. And every time he came up short on his drugs, he took it out on us. No matter what, that had stayed the same. And I had no choice but to.
『Bear witness to it all.』
I could do nothing but beg and plead for him to stop.
He never did.
He kept going until nothing was left, not even my innocence.
And when I kept begging anyway, it just got worse.
"DAD STOP"
I pushed too far; it was evident that his head would snap at me with needle eyes that had far more sclera than the pupil, uncanny. After that, he started walking toward me with a heavy breath after every step. It was obvious what was going to happen, but Mom would never let it happen.
"Wait, no, don't.." Her voice was like that of a malnourished and dehydrated woman, raspy and weak. She crawled toward me like an injured soldier and rested herself over me. And that really did the trick.
" You've always been so stupid!"
"You chose to protect that brat when he's the reason we can't afford anything. Fine, I guess I'll stomp you out instead!"
THUMP
Augh
THACK
ARHH
"FUCKING DIE BITCH!"
It was torment every time it happened.
Even though it seemed like an instant ago when it was in my quarters, these memories warped me into my driving seat.
Those memories slammed into my face like a mace.
My foot grew heavy, and rain began to pour.
The peddle was calling to me like a siren.
But then their words, their anger started to echo.
Slowly, my strength waned.
3,2,1…
My foot began to sink.
And the car started to hum.
GO!
As I pinched my hand over the cold leather, the world started to fade.
The fine threads of the wheel became the fiber in which I manifested my being.
As I took a breath and inhaled, the lanes around me faded to nothing but white, as if I were in a prism of reality.
I needed it to stop, the voices, the memories.
If I couldn't drown them out, I'd outrun them.
No more would I be burdened by grief.
No longer by suffering.
The anxiety I'd harbored in the depths of the warehouse dissolved into nothingness.
As I heard the car stir and the pistons of the engine churn, my life became simpler.
Suddenly, my only concern was to navigate, to accelerate, to survive.
Time began to blur.
As I went onto the path, the speedometer climbed. 144. 160. 190. 200.
My hand—
As my hand began to strangle the wheel, my knuckles turned white, clasping the cold, fine stitches of the wheel, and my heart began to pound, but not from fear.
It was quiet now.
The screeching voices, the frantic screaming—gone, replaced by the rhythmic revving of the engine, and the leather creaking from my grip.
There was no more fear.
As I weaved dangerously between the cars, the life that had burdened me was released.
The cars flew past me like phantoms in the night.
I was submerged in bliss.
I just flew…
I threw my foot down, crushing the pedal.
As I accelerated, the car began to fade.
I could feel the wind on my face and under my arms.
No longer could I hear the car or anything but the violent breeze.
I was pressed back into my seat, but I didn't feel constricted, but rather freed.
I had broken free; the only thing that was there was me and the track.
I glanced down
230,260,270,300
My eyes honed
Nothing was important, except my urge for more.
I'm going to conquer it all.
Glancing up, I saw a corner and a sign that had just two words.
[Turn 3]
I inhaled, bracing, preparing.
This was it, the last one.
I thrusted my foot onto the brake, straining, grunting, I put everything I had into it; nothing was spared.
I lurched forward, as if the hand of god had yanked me by my collar; it felt like I was thrown into a wall.
Slowly, the pressure of my foot waned, steadily peeling away from the brake as I pressed the gear paddles.
Click
Click
The back wheels began to swerve.
The car was fighting back like a beast, like a demon that wanted nothing but speed.
Click
The wheel started to shake, begging me to stop, like I was draining its life.
Click
It was drawing near, and I was staring into the gates.
Click
I can tell the car needs something.
Click
I need it too
I threw the wheel, gliding along the inner edge of the turn, the red and white checked edge blurring past me.
The car began to calm, the wheel began to steady, and the track began to align
The car knew it was time, and I knew it was time.
I thrusted my foot onto the gas, as if I were plunging a knife into my prey.
The engine's whirring came back, like I had just breathed life into its lungs.
It pulled me back as if it were thanking me, embracing me in its seat.
I grinned. I was going to do it.
Click, Click, Click
I could feel the speed, the raw inertia. I was high off it, I needed more of it.
ClicK
300
Click
310
Click
330
Not enough
340,345,350,355
More…
450..
5th…4th…3rd…2nd
The car was rattling, trembling, petrified; not even the demon of speed could handle my thirst for more.
PUFT!
I had pushed it too far.
The car was enveloped in flames, yet I had no desire to stop. I didn't press on those brakes.
I would rather die. I'm going to savor every last moment of this.
So I'll fly along this track, soaring, even if flames shroud me.
In the pitch black void of the night, I soared like a Phoenix born from fire, blazing along the track, illuminating the dark, a torch of salvation in the void.
Leaving a trail of flames along the track, burning the ground I drove over. If I ended here, then at least it would have been bliss.
I'm not going to kneel, I'm not going to bow, not unless the hands of god pluck me from this seat.
I'm so close to those checkered gates,
Then the flames flickered, and the shroud of fire split.
In between the flames, I could see puddles of water on the track ripple as rain dropped into them.
As time grew to a halt, I could see the raindrops slow, hovering in the air, I could see the pillars of fire around me flicker and wave, and I could see another racer overtake me. If I kept going, I'd hit him... I'd hit them if I didn't do something.
And so I closed my eyes in reluctance as I pressed the brakes, the flames began to grow hotter, as if they were trying to retaliate. And then the wheel thwipped to the side.
So close, yet there was nothing left for me to do. I guess today I would kneel.
The catharsis was shattered.
The peaceful, humming noise of the engine was suppressed by the violent screech of tires, like an animal shrieking.
The only thing left was the gruesome smell of burning rubber.
I could feel the car whip and snap around. My neck craned with each flick of the car, as i opened my eyes I could see the fire around me had brushed itself to the side as the car spun out, as I spun the world slowed, and the crowds cheering hushed, i could make out every tree, every blade of grass, and every drop of rain, and most of all as i spun in circles i could see the faces of every person in the crowd, and I could feel their piercing gazes. Just a few meters away from me, in the stands, was a little girl next to her mom; the girl's shirt was a jersey with a signature I recognized well, "Aerin."
Both of their eyes grew wider, and their jaws began to drop as their faces became enveloped in worry and sadness, and I could see a tear drop from the girl's eye, dripping down her face as she slowly became enveloped by the shroud of flames draping over me.
Then suddenly, within a snap, time flickered back; the drowned silence was instantly replaced by screams and gasps, but that too soon was silenced by the ear-piercing screeching sound of metal and rivets shearing off the chassis, the sound was sharp as if two swords were clashing together, scraping the steel of their blades.
Then I was thrown to the side, and I could feel the straps across my body chafe and peel the leather off my suit like meat against a grinder, while the air was stripped from my lungs, and I was jolted to a halt.
I could feel the rage of the inferno through my gloves as I pried the seat straps off my body.
Glancing into the mirror, I could see myself veiled in fire, with the orange glow of flames flickering deep within my pupils,
So I clenched the seared metal of the chassis and clawed my way out of the phoenix's nest, as I stepped away from the nest's blaze, the marshals beared witness to a man sheathed in flames, radiating the endless pitch black void of the night around him with a golden glow. I was the sole light in the void of the night. With each step, I seared the grass under my feet, setting the ground ablaze.
Swarmed by marshals. I was splashed with water, like I was being forced to wake up.
The flames went out while I just stood there still with my head toward the ground. I didn't move, not even an inch, as I witnessed the golden embers at my feet wither to black.
I looked up at the marshals around me, who were grabbing onto my helmet, trying to take it off.
I could barely hear them as the helmet muffled their voices.
???: "Hey ◧◩◨◪"
Fuck my head
Dammit, "fuck off"
As flashes of the past raided my mind, I realized…
Everything I had fought for was gone… the pain was back ....the anger was back..the voices were back…
Suddenly, my legs faltered, and my vision grew hazy. As I glanced toward my hands, I could see them tremble. As I took a breath, it struck me, with each breath, a slew of bitter, rough chalky ash peeled off my tongue, chafing my throat, with the embers searing my lungs. It felt like something was trying to rip itself from the inside of my chest.
Like someone was trying to drive a pole through my sternum
Kouh
"Dammit," my hand was coated by a warm substance…My own blood
"fuck" …thud
Kouh…Kouh Huggh Hugh Hugh
I could draw no air, and I could feel it, I could feel the frigid metal of the reaper's scythe slither across my neck, death was looming over me and for the first time I knew exactly what I wanted the most, not peace, not chaos, not love, not hate, not safety, nor danger I simply wanted to live. But perhaps it was too late, maybe I had done something different.
I clawed and clasped at my neck, scratching, peeling, and marking my flesh. Maybe, just maybe I could… I could… I could…
[With a white flash, a memory came back]
Hehe, that girl, that girl in the grandstand, she had my jersey, and it was signed. I bet she was so excited when I gave her that. I'd be glad if I could make her happy, even for just a little.
[The memory began mixed and meshed with another]
Wait, is that me and my mom? Hehe Hugh Kouh Kouh. That takes me back.
I hope she isn't watching. I don't want this to be the last thing she sees of me.
"I love you, mom…"
[consciousness began to flicker as….]