I watched cars pass me by as I sat on the companies doorstep. Tall bright buildings tower up into the sky. The night sky illuminated by all the light coming from the street. The cold winds felt harsh during this time of year, but it felt good to be away from the stuffy desks and irritating coworkers.
'When was the last time I saw the night sky' I wondered.
It was probably 5-6 years ago, when I was camping with my dad and sister. We've lived in this city our whole lives and its rare to find a time to step away from it. We haven't been able to leave for the last few years because of college and starting a job. I only got my degree six months ago, and I was lucky enough to get a job nearby to my family. Work is what anyone would expect, long hours and people I don't want to spend time with. It feels like every day I spend here is a day wasted, a day I won't get back. I don't enjoy my days at home, I don't feel close with my family. I don't feel alive anymore.
I feel like my life has been sad from birth. I lost my mom early in life to cancer. I haven't felt real love ever since. My father was distant after her passing, and my sister and I weren't close because of how we grew up. My life up until this point has been a soliloquy of solitude. I made friends just enough to be able to talk with people during school, but beyond that I was alone. I love my family, but we all feel isolated. We dedicate our time to ourselves and honestly, it feels like none of us have the heart to dig in and really get to know each other. I'd do anything for them, but I wouldn't want to hang out. And so instead I keep to myself. In all aspects of life.
'It sounds like a really sad life when its all put together like that.' I thought
Despite how I've made it sound it feels more exhausting than it is sad. I wouldn't say I'm resentful for anything, I don't cry about it often. But when I lay down to sleep at night it hurts because I long for what I think life is. I've tried many times in the past to change into who I thought I wanted to be. I would try to go to parties, try to talk to girls, try to put myself out there. None of it ever changed me, if anything it only really solidified the idea in my mind that I am better off where I've always been. That's why for the most part I have stayed where I am. And now I don't know if I want anything to change anymore.
As I was rousing from my thoughts I saw a figure exit a coffee shop across the road and jog over to my office building. After the figure was illuminated by the street lights I recognized it as one of my coworkers, Imit. He has brown short kept hair, with dull brown eyes. He wore a white button-up with a navy colored tie. We aren't close, but we are cooler buddies. We talk about whatever is happening at work. But when we don't see each other, I don't miss them or anything. As he gets up onto the sidewalk, he looks down.
"Hey Neroshi, break is over." He announces while looking at me.
"Yeah I know, just wanted to squeeze what extra seconds I can get out of it" I replied dejectedly.
"Couldn't agree more." Imit said with a soft chuckle
I get to my feet and we both walk into the building in silence out of respect of the dead break. We walk through the glass doors of the building and enter the elevators with a dozen other people. a short and uncomfortable ride later, I get out of the elevator and weave through aisles of cubicles to get to my desk. The only saving grace I've been given is to be seated by the window. I slowly sit down in my chair while I look out at the night sky. Just before I could turn to my desk, I noticed that the sky began to glow. I keep staring while seconds pass as the sky grows brighter and brighter.
"What the fu-" as I spoke the light grew to envelop everything.
Then I woke up.