The strings of sunlight ran through the branches of trees, and reflected on the fountain's water in the courtyard of the palace, and my heart counted every beat painfully as I waited, my breath heavier than the longing I've carried on my shoulders for the last three months.
The hasbahçe of the palace soon became crowded with young beautiful maids, but no beauty could rival even the faintest waft of her scent, the scent that invades every corner of the courtyard even before the guards pronounced her presence.
Every footstep of hers ached my soul, tore my veins and hypnotized every sense in my body, my whole essence followed her, but my body froze in place.
There she was, her highness, princess Rua , as delicate as her name intended, walking through the maids, blessing my existence with her smile, as she sat at the edge of the marble basin, her soft pale fingers barely touched the water, I believe that every drop in that basin has longed for her playful touch as I have longed for her air.
Eyes couldn't bear to part lallaRua, her beauty couldn't be outshined, her voice, soft and sweet as jasmines, barely heard, as angeles whispers, there's none in the world that would describe her less than a beauty ayah.
My heart escaped me to her palms, my knees trembled at her dark gaze, my skin shivered at the fairest laugh that would escape her ribs, she had such power over me that I could not understand, and I didn't want to understand.
I stood in place, gazing every move, every detail, her fancy royal dress— one i haven't seen before, i wonder was it a gift? Did she enjoy her adventure the last few months? Was the court of her sister's palace as mesmerised as i am by her allure?
_"lalla has asked for a horse ride around the outer garden" the guard's voice interrupted my reverence for god's creation, but when the voice finally found its way to my realization, my soul exploded with joy. I nodded and ran to the stable, and delivered the message to the Mirahur, the old man chose the best saddle for her grace, and her horse neighed as he was led out, and i could almost swear it was joy that filled his lungs_joy at reuniting with the very heartbeat of existence.
I stood, waiting for her again, and the minutes I waited were far more suffocating than the months I longed for her, and only when the scent of jasmine invaded my lungs that I was resurrected, wished I wouldn't let her air out of me, wished that fresh breath would be kept inside of my body for the rest of my life.
She smiled and lifted her hand to mine, ya allah please keep her held in my palm, keep me blessed with her joy, blessed with that smile.
And as lalla Rua thanked me, words lost their way to my tongue, and I couldnt answer but with a nod, how would my voice ever come to the level of hers, my lalla..
I walked and she sat straight on Izra, speaking to her beloved, telling him about the days she's missed him , and even Izra in his creation, a simple creature of god, had swayed by the touch of her fingers, by the strength of her grip, by the softness of her commands.
Heavens help me keep my eyes on the road, heavens help my thoughts.
_"And how has Hazem been?" my body refused to believe the words were intended to me, until she said my name again, as if she had sensed my mind's absence, my drunken mind—drunken by her, by the melody of my name on her lips.
I couldn't raise my gaze to hers, I know I'll fail to hide my craving for her, so I answered under the veil of my secret.
_" I've been well lalla, the palace feels lively as you have returned".
And she let out a little laugh, and oh allah, be my savior, she laughed as if she could filter the effort I've put to collect my words.
_" I've missed you too, Hazem" she said as she caressed the horse's mane, and I melted with him, every thought in my mind went quiet, every sense in me prayed to be saved from this torment.
Moments passed and I tried to build a voice to let out of my mouth, mastering every bit of courage in me to finally speak.
_"How was your trip lalla?" I finally raised my gaze to her, as she fixed her kaftan dress laced with golden threads, and finally answered.
_"Magical, my sister lives so diffrently from us, she has a beautiful Douira to herself by the mountains have you heard?" I nodded.
_"We spent our days there, we went to the village_" I raised an eyebrow, and I didn't notice my reaction until she explained.
_"It's different there, the village is not crowded, and people live quietly and happily, my time there has brought me peace that I didn't know I needed"
I smiled "I heard they have beautiful gardens too"and suddenly, the conversation with her became easier, I was relieved and happy to know she's enjoyed her stay.
_"Oh yes ineed, beautiful gardens and forests, we went riding there and there was snow and we even sighted a few wolves, I wish to go again"
Oh angels of heaven please bless her heart.
_"Hazem" she whispered again, my whole being listened.
_"Yes lalla?" I raised my gaze to her again, sunlight on her golden waves, she looks paler than I remember, or is my mind too drunken to recall?
_" Are you still crossed with your father?" How and when did I deserve to be in her thoughts? in that kindest heart of hers.
_"No lalla, we have come to an understanding, I will be joining the sailors and the army" I answered, for a moment I felt the little girl I grew up with in her presence.
_"Glad to hear, you do deserve to see the world, we're still too young to be trapped in desk rooms, studying what we already know, you'll be a great help to our people I trust, you've always been a smart one" she spoke with trust in her voice, and she would change tone to seem like a wise man, I laughed, no matter how old she gets, the joyful spirit never leaves her.
_"I won't disappoint you lalla, I'll see the world and bring back the finest jewels for your highness to wear" I forgot my place..again.
_"But I don't mind jewels, I wish you'd bring back the rarest knowledge, and the most exciting stories" I smiled and nodded, we had reached the end of our little walk, so I offered her my hand again to help her down, and I wished she'd stay in my arms forever.
_"Well, thank you for the ride Hazem, I hope to see you around the palace more often then" she fixed her dress and veil, ready to enter the palace again as I bowed my head for her "at your service..lalla"
Her steps left quietly, and I fell on Izra, finally letting myself melt, fall, collapse_collapse onto the grounds of the war inside my ribs, fall from the highest clouds, and melt in the small moments we shared.
I passed my fingers through the horses mane, feeling the ghost of her touch...oh god be my savior from this torment...
———•||🥀||•———
The days after passed like magic, spring was my favorite season as it held my dearest memories, I spent most my days in the study room, where lalla would come often to my father, her mentor, and we would share small conversations, like the roses blooming in the courtyard, the new fountains the king has ordered to build inside the sitting rooms, the books in the library, and I would spend hours studying the books she chose to read just to answer her questions, Father would often complement her fast pace of reading, and I would find myself more and more drowned to her ideas and opinions.
Then the visits stopped, lalla hasn't blessed this desk room in weeks and I couldnt help but question this long eclipse, and even when I drowned myself in the preparations to my, soon to be, first sailing journey, I couldnt keep my thoughts from escaping to her, I couldnt banish her ghost from the corners of my desk room, nor from the labyrinth of my mind, every attunement in my being begged to hear her voice, craved the smallest bit of her tidings...but no word from her had been heard, and her absence drained my veins.
I decided to clear my mind today with a cup of shai, maybe the spoonful of honey would cover the bitterness i carry, I touched the water in the basin with my fingers, hoping it'd hold a bit of her soul in the tip of her touch to bring this lonly empty servant back to life.
My eyes finally caught hayam, my lalla's most trusted maid and companion, the cup of tea suddenly seemed less important than a stone thrown in the sea and I jumped off my place to her, trying to ask the question that's been boiling my veins, as she seemed in a hurry.
_"miss Hayam, please..a moment" she kept walking as she nodded and I followed "lalla hasn't been attending her classes, have you any word from her?"
Hayam suddenly stopped, her eyes seemed to carry the most miserable colors, my heart sank and a strike of thunder pierced through my chest as her wary voice murmured.
_"lalla is severely ill" I've never felt weaker in my life, my chest tightned, refused to let air fill my lugs.
_"what do ou mean ill?" maybe it's just a cold, or she's just tired herself with the heavy responsibilities she's had on her shoulder, we have great doctors, and the best remedies.
_"the doctors believe a gown she wore had some poison in it, her skin is burning and she's in constant pain, and doctors havent found a remedy yet, the king ordered her confined to her chamber, and postponed her engagement announcement too"
With every word she spoke, my world shattered more and more, and I wished I had never let her out of my sight, but how could I? I damned my position and my low status a thousand time.
Hayam left, but I stood there, her words running through my mind again and again, I ran back to my desk rom, searching for poisons I've studied, for remedies my father had stored, and both the moon and I spent the night praying for my soul's soul, the bane of my being.
The morning birds landed on the window, and only then I had noticed it'd been almost noon, my eyes burned, my head ached, every bone in my body screamed, but no pain compared to the heaviness of my chest.
My father knocked on my door, he had known since days and kept the word from me, and I've never been more upset, all it took him was one look to my face to know, that the word had reached me.
He sat on the chair by the window and spoke in despair "It's believed to be a reaction to the paint that was used in coloration of her gown, the king has sent for a famous doctor to come, he'll be here in a week time_"
_"A week is too long what if it permenantly affects her health?" I cut him, and the sharp gaze I recieved from him brought me back to my sense, to the realisation that I have nothing in my hands.
_"we can offer prayer to her highness, don't forget your place, son...prepare for your depart, tomorrow's journey is going to be long and the sea is not easy on young men, especially a weak man.." father's right, though I hate to admit, I shouldn't forget...soon.. and I pray that soon she'll heal and recover, but even then...she'll be named to another man, how I prayed the rumor would be wrong a month ago, how I wished the sanjak-bae wouldn't steal her from me the day he called upon her, how I hated the sight of him kissing her hand, offering her gold, and walking her through the hall as if to torture me.
ya allah, save your weak humble servant from this torment, if shes not meant for me, let the sea swallow me, let my eyes never witness her in another man's arms..take me back and offer her happiness...
I forecefully, barely, held focus in the maps and books again, let the hours pass, until a knock on the door brought me back out from the angry ocean inside of me.
I stood up as Hayam entered, the wildest of fires burned through my body, though my skin shiverred..
_"her highness has asked for you.."