The first thing Adam noticed about this new world was the smell.
Rotting wood. Rusted cars. Moldy walls. And, faintly, the delicate perfume of fungus.
Adam stood in the middle of an abandoned street, sipping his eternal cup of coffee. Environment: collapsed. Humanity: fractured. Entertainment: potential… extreme.
A shadow moved across the broken pavement. Joel emerged, rifle slung across his shoulder, eyes narrowed with suspicion. Beside him, Ellie adjusted her backpack, glancing at Adam with wide-eyed curiosity.
Joel muttered, "Who the hell are you?"
Adam tilted his cup. "Adam Thompson. Function: Correct."
Ellie squinted. "Uh… correct at what?"
Adam raised a finger. "Chaos."
Joel grunted. "Yeah, that's reassuring."
---
The distant screech of infected echoed down the street. Ellie tensed, hand on her switchblade. Joel cocked his rifle. Adam casually sipped.
Clickers lurched into view, heads sprouting grotesque fungal blossoms. Their shrieks bounced off the crumbling buildings. Joel lined up his shot—then froze as Adam strolled forward, completely unarmed.
"Wait!" Joel hissed. "You'll get ripped apart!"
Adam set down his coffee on a car hood, cracked his knuckles, and crouched slightly. The first clicker lunged—only for Adam to flick its head sideways with a single slap. The creature spun like a malfunctioning ballerina before smashing into a stop sign.
Ellie's jaw dropped. "…Did he just—slap it?"
"Correct," Adam said.
Another two clickers charged. Adam sidestepped the first, swept its leg, and used its falling body to clothesline the second. Both collapsed in a tangled heap, twitching uselessly.
Joel lowered his rifle slowly. "…What the actual hell am I watching?"
Ellie burst into laughter. "You're watching the best thing ever! He just WWE'd those clickers without even breaking a sweat!"
Adam retrieved his coffee. Threats: minimal. Potential: amusing.
---
They traveled together through the city's ruins. Joel kept his rifle ready, but his eyes often strayed toward Adam, as though waiting for him to reveal some hidden trick. Ellie, meanwhile, peppered him with questions.
"So, like, where'd you come from? Military experiment? Ninja cult? Alien?"
Adam: "Optional."
Ellie snorted. "That's not an answer."
Adam: "Correct."
Joel pinched the bridge of his nose. "Kid, don't encourage him."
Ellie smirked. "Why not? He's way more fun than you."
Joel muttered, "Fun'll get you killed."
Adam: "Incorrect."
---
Later, as night fell, they holed up inside a ruined convenience store. Joel scavenged quietly, Ellie kept lookout, and Adam…
Adam rearranged cans of beans into a pyramid.
Joel frowned. "What the hell are you doing?"
Adam: "Entertainment."
Ellie grinned. "It's art! Bean-can bowling!"
Adam nodded. "Correct."
He flicked a stone across the room. The cans toppled perfectly, clattering loud enough to wake the dead. Joel's face turned red. "Dammit! You're gonna bring every infected in a mile radius down on us!"
As if on cue, groans and shrieks echoed from outside.
Ellie giggled nervously. "Well, you called it…"
Joel raised his rifle. "Get ready."
Adam set his coffee on the counter. Performance: mandatory.
---
The first raider burst through the door with a shotgun. Adam met him with a casual roundhouse kick that sent the man sailing across the store, smashing into a shelf of chips.
Two more raiders rushed in, yelling curses. Adam picked up the bean cans, hurled them like fastballs, and clocked both in the head. They crumpled instantly.
Ellie was doubled over laughing. "He just beaned them! Literally!"
Joel blinked. "…I'm starting to think he doesn't even need us."
"Correct," Adam said, calmly sipping his coffee as if nothing had happened.
---
On the road the next day, they crossed a bridge half-collapsed into the river. Joel grumbled, "It's not stable. We'll need to find another way."
Adam stepped forward, tested the planks with a tap of his boot, then walked across casually. The bridge groaned and wobbled, but every board held under him.
Joel cursed under his breath. "That's not even—how?"
Adam turned back, holding out his hand. "Optional."
Ellie grabbed his hand without hesitation, grinning ear to ear. "I like this guy. He's basically apocalypse-proof."
Joel scowled, but followed.
---
That night by the campfire, Ellie leaned closer to Adam. "So… do you ever get scared? I mean, not even clickers fazed you."
Adam stirred his coffee with a twig. Fear: irrelevant. Amusement: permanent.
He looked at her. "Scared? Optional."
Ellie chuckled softly. "Man… you're weird. But kinda cool."
Joel sat a little apart, polishing his rifle, but his voice carried over the crackle of the fire. "…Don't fill the kid's head with nonsense."
Adam sipped. "Correct."
Ellie smirked. "I think he just agreed with you and insulted you at the same time."
Joel muttered something about "goddamn clowns in the apocalypse."
---
But the real test came when a bloater ambushed them near an abandoned school. Its hulking, fungal mass roared, hurling spores that corroded everything they touched.
Joel shouted, "Back! Get back!" He raised his rifle. Ellie drew her knife.
Adam calmly set his coffee down on a desk.
The bloater charged, tearing through walls and scattering desks like toys. Adam stepped forward, flexed his hands, and then—
He suplexed it.
With a single fluid motion, he grabbed the bloater by its fungus-crusted waist, lifted it overhead, and slammed it into the ground hard enough to crack the floor. The beast twitched once… then lay still.
Joel's jaw hung open. "…That's… that's not possible."
Ellie laughed so hard she fell to her knees. "He just… he just German suplexed a bloater! Do you know how insane that is?!"
Adam picked up his coffee again. "Correct."
---
As they left the school, Joel walked silently for a long time before finally muttering, "You're not human."
Adam shrugged. "Optional."
Ellie looked up at him, grinning from ear to ear. "I don't care what he is. He's awesome."
Joel scowled, but the corner of his mouth twitched—just slightly—as if fighting a smirk.
Adam, meanwhile, stared at the ruined skyline ahead. Next stage: unknown. Performance: continuing.
He took another sip of coffee. The apocalypse, it seemed, had finally found its comedian.