---
The bushes rustled.
I froze, clutching the frying pan like it was my one true love. My hair dripped slime goo into my eyes, my lungs still burned from running in circles like an idiot, and the taste of slime fart lingered on my tongue. My arms were already jelly from the slime fight—I had nothing left, but apparently fate wasn't done kicking me.
It wasn't another slime.
A goblin stepped out.
It was half my height, wiry, and green, but there was something in its beady little eyes that screamed actual predator compared to the jiggly blobs I'd just fought. It carried a crude dagger, rusted and notched, but sharper than the joke of a sword I'd lost somewhere in the mud.
The goblin hissed, baring teeth.
"Of course," I muttered. "Because slime ass wasn't enough for one day. Guess the guild was right: I really am the rookie who can't even clear slime duty. And I only picked adventuring because I figured swinging a sword had to be better than cleaning toilets for the rest of my life. At least the toilets don't stab back… usually."
Chat (Viewers: 25,431):
"NEW BOSS FIGHT LET'S GOOOO!"
"Streamer vs. Goblin PogChamp."
"This clip is gonna blow up."
"Prediction: streamer dies in 30 sec."
[DivineQueen88]: Don't die, streamer! 💖
[xXx420Blaze]: I got 10 on the goblin.
[SkeptiCam]: Still CGI, guys. Stop falling for it.
"Shut up," I snapped, pan trembling in my grip. "This isn't a game!"
Chat:
"He thinks it's real LOL."
"Streamer's roleplaying so hard."
"Dude, the panic in his voice is GOLD."
---
The goblin lunged.
I swung the frying pan on pure instinct.
CLANG!
The pan connected, but the goblin twisted, rolling back to its feet like some kind of acrobat. It hissed again, dagger raised.
"Are you kidding me?" I gasped. "Why are you more coordinated than me?"
Chat (Viewers: 30,000):
"Streamer got parried by a goblin."
"This thing's speedrunning him."
"Kai vs. Goblin: 0–1."
[Mod_Gary]: Warning: no betting real money in chat.
The goblin darted forward, faster than I expected. I barely got the pan up in time. Metal scraped against iron. Sparks flew.
"Oh gods," I wheezed, arms trembling. "This thing actually knows how to fight."
The dagger slipped past the pan, nicking my arm. Pain flared hot and real, the cut throbbing so hard it made my fingers numb. For a second the forest tilted sideways, dizziness threatening to topple me.
I yelped, stumbling back. "Nope nope nope nope—"
Chat:
"First blood!"
"Streamer HP -10."
[DivineQueen88]: HE'S BLEEDING?? IS THIS REAL??
[SkeptiCam]: Fake blood packet. Amateur effects."
The guild had whispered about rookies dying in the forest, tossed into the Guild Trial pits as failures. Was I about to join them?
---
System Alert: New Donation Received.
[xXx420Blaze donated $3: THROW A BANANA PEEL]
A banana peel materialized in my free hand.
"…Seriously?"
The goblin slashed at me. I squealed, flung the peel. It slapped the goblin's face, slid off, and landed in the dirt. The goblin blinked, unamused.
Chat:
"HAHAHA PEEL META."
"He actually did it!"
"Goblin immune to slapstick confirmed."
The goblin growled, rushing me again.
I panicked, every nerve screaming: I can't joke my way out of this. One bad move and I'm done.
---
System Alert: New Donation Received.
[Anonymous donated $2: Rubber Chicken]
A squeaky rubber chicken popped into my hand.
"Oh, you've got to be kidding me—"
The goblin lunged. In panic, I squeezed.
SQUEEEEEAK.
Both of us froze.
The goblin tilted its head, baffled.
Chat (Viewers: 37,000):
"NEW WEAPON UNLOCKED."
"Chicken scream = fear debuff?"
"This stream is the funniest thing I've ever seen."
[MomSaysNo]: My kid's watching this, is this PG??
The goblin snarled, recovering, and lunged again. Its blade came within inches of my throat before I staggered back, heart hammering. One slip and this thing's dagger would end me—and then glitter would be the last thing covering my corpse.
---
System Alert: New Donation Received.
[GlitterFairy donated $5: Potion of Fabulousness]
A glass vial shimmered in my hand, pink liquid swirling with sparkles.
"Oh no. No, no, no—"
The goblin stabbed. I panicked, smashed the potion against its chest.
WHOOSH!
Glitter exploded everywhere. The goblin stood shimmering, its skin sparkling under the moonlight. For a brief, absurd moment, it looked like it had just walked off a fashion runway.
Then it snarled, even angrier.
Chat (Viewers: 42,000):
"+100 Charisma Goblin."
"Bro unlocked the Fabulous Boss skin."
"Streamer just made it sparkle. Why am I crying."
[GlitterFairy]: You're welcome 😘.
[SkeptiCam]: Bad shader pack, obvious CGI."
"Next dono: soap so he can scrub the glitter off!"
---
I stumbled back, clutching the frying pan, covered in slime, sweat, and glitter.
"This is my life now," I whispered. "Humiliated by chat while a goblin tries to murder me in disco mode."
The goblin roared, slashing again. I raised the pan, metal ringing. My arms screamed. My chest heaved.
This wasn't funny anymore.
If I lost here, I was dead. No respawns. No do-overs. Just another nameless rookie corpse in the dirt.
---
"Fine," I hissed, glaring at the goblin. "If the gods want a show, let's give them one."
Sarcastic Roar Lv.1 Activated!
I sucked in a breath, and spat:
"Nice dagger. Did you steal it from a toddler?"
"Cool outfit, too. Your mom sew that potato sack for you?"
The goblin blinked. Its body froze, stunned for three seconds.
Chat (Viewers: 50,000):
"LMAOOOOO HE TRASH TALKED IT."
"Skill proc'd!"
"Kai discovered the roast build."
[xXx420Blaze]: LOL imagine dying to words."
[SkeptiCam]: Scripted, fight choreographed."
"Alright," I panted. "Here goes nothing."
BONG.
The frying pan smashed the goblin's face. It reeled back, dazed.
"Take THAT, you sparkly gremlin!"
BONG. BONG.
Two more hits. The goblin staggered, then collapsed into the dirt.
---
System Alert: Monster Defeated.
[Item Obtained: Goblin Shiv. Quality: Garbage. Still better than nothing.]
I stared at the crude dagger in my hand, bent and pitted with rust.
"Wow," I muttered. "Upgraded from rust to garbage. Living the dream." At least if the pan snapped, I wouldn't be completely defenseless.
Chat (Viewers: 52,000):
"Streamer's first boss kill!"
"Garbage > Rust progression arc."
"Streamer climbing the ranks."
[DivineQueen88]: You did it! 💖
---
My arms shook. My chest heaved. I leaned on the frying pan like it was the only thing holding me up. For the first time, I realized my hands wouldn't stop trembling.
The slimes had been humiliating. This had been… survival.
If I hadn't roasted that goblin, I would've died. And the worst part? Thousands of people would've watched me get murdered in real time.
I swallowed hard. "This isn't just content. This is my life."
Chat:
"Streamer getting emotional."
"Is he crying? Pog."
"Clip it: first breakdown arc."
[GlitterFairy]: Don't cry, sparkle boy ✨.
[SkeptiCam]: Bad acting. Cry on cue much?"
[QuietWatcher]: We knew you could do it. Don't stop now."
That last one hit different. For a second, the words felt sharper, more real than the rest.
---
System Alert: New Donation Received.
[Anonymous gifted $10: Good job streamer!]
A small bundle of bandages and a flask of water appeared at my feet.
I blinked. "Wait. Something useful?"
Chat (Viewers: 55,000):
"Supporter squad rising!"
"Finally not trolling."
"Streamer deserves a potion after glitter debuff."
[DivineQueen88]: Heal up, Kai 💖.
[QuietWatcher]: We're rooting for you, Kai. Don't give up."
I picked up the flask, chugged greedily, and wrapped the bandages around a shallow cut on my arm.
"…Thanks," I muttered softly. "Whoever you are."
And for the first time, I realized—some of them didn't just want to laugh. Some of them wanted me to win.
---
Earth POV
A popular reaction YouTuber leaned toward his camera, face lit by the glowing monitor. "Guys. This isn't a game. I swear, this kid is actually fighting for his life. Look at his breathing, the dirt, the sweat. No motion capture can fake that. This is real."
His chat scrolled by at light speed:
"Nah it's an ARG."
"This is CGI."
"Shut up, he literally insult-stunned a goblin. That's not code, that's magic."
The streamer grinned. "Mark my words: this kid's the biggest thing on the internet right now. The sandwich clip already passed a million views. Even blogs, conspiracy forums, and news sites are starting to cover him."
---
Back in the forest, I stuffed the goblin shiv into my belt. My frying pan hung heavy at my side.
I was exhausted, glittery, humiliated, and very much alive.
Then a voice called from behind me.
"Hey… isn't that Kai? The rookie who failed slime duty?"
I turned slowly.
Two adventurers from the guild stepped out of the trees. Their armor gleamed, their swords sharp, their smirks sharper. I recognized them instantly: Rurik and Dane, Bronze-ranked loudmouths who'd made it their hobby to remind rookies of their failures.
From their angle, I realized in horror, they couldn't see the glowing chat boxes. All they saw was me, dripping slime, covered in glitter, muttering thanks to invisible voices, and clutching a frying pan.
Rurik chuckled. "What in the gods' names are you doing out here, rookie? Talking to yourself? You'll never live this down at the guild."
Chat (Viewers: 60,000):
"NEW CHARACTERS INTRODUCED."
"NPCs spotted!"
"Streamer about to get roasted IRL."
[xXx420Blaze]: Side quest incoming."
[DivineQueen88]: Protect him!!"
[SkeptiCam]: Paid actors, 100%. Obvious."
"This is better than any Netflix show!"
My face burned. My stomach sank.
Facing monsters was bad enough. Facing Rurik's laughter might actually be worse.
Oh gods. They were going to think I'd lost my mind.
---