"Spacing out."
"Youuuu! Duang is hurts!"
"I meant to hurt you." Qin shrugged, ran his finger along the spine of a jazz music book before picking up the third one from the left and flipping through it. I wanted to tell him that I wasn't spacing out, I was just looking at his long legs on the day he was wearing tight black jeans, that's all.
"Why are you wearing these pants?"
He sighed.
Yeah, sighed at my face.
"And what about it?"
"Just askinggg."
"The other ones are being washed."
"You like them, don't you?"
"I told you, the other ones are being washed."
"Then can you not wear them anymore?" I said softly... It's not that they're not good, they're really good, actually. His legs are insanely pretty, and black brings out his white skin as expected from a Chinese descendant.
Yeah, I get jealous easily.
A little and my thoughts run far.
"Crazy."
"Alright, alright."
"You've been secretly looking at my legs, haven't you?"
" ... " I flinched. He glanced at me lazily. After talking for a while (more than half a year, geez), I learned many of his habits. Like that bored-looking face? It doesn't mean he's actually bored. It's just his resting face when he doesn't want to show any feelings. I think he's been tired lately.
"Getting bold."
"Come on."
See? I patted his head to recharge him.
"Messy, you bastard."
Qin frantically swatted my hand away. We are the same height, but I like to act like he's smaller. How should I put it? I find him endearing in an unexplainable way. And this past week, we barely saw each other.
Plus, he'snot the type to reply to texts all day. If I text him at noon, he replies at four in the evening.
'Why the hell are you asking if I've eaten lunch? I'm a full-grown buffalo. If I forget to eat, then let it be.'
That's what he said.
Yeah, so I let it be.
"I told you to call me you." (cocochip : 'you' means here that Duang wants Qin to call him 'ter' – a softer and slightly more intimate way to refer to someone.)
"Goosebumps to death."
"Hmph."
"Did you just sigh at me?" Qin chuckled in his throat. At first, I was like a timid dog, just going along with him. But now that we're a little closer as someone talking to each other, I started to act a little rough.
"So damn sulky."
I took a sharp breath when he closed the music book in his hands and brought his face close to me. A mischievous smile appeared on his face.
I'm weak against this kind of thing... The type with fangs, who smiles with squinty eyes, with a little bit of cheek even though he's skinny as hell. Damn it. Heart melting.
"Thinking dirty. I can see it."
"Ugh, don't move your face away yet."
"In the middle of the mall, I'm begging you."
"You moved your face in first, you know."
"You're weak."
That's what he said before walking away, leaving behind the faint scent of perfume that I know is customized. His family does a perfume business. The whole family is artsy—his mom is a photographer, his dad has a personal business, and the only son is studying music. Qin always has something to surprise me.
And he is way manlier than me, especially when he ruffles his long bangs in frustration and raises an eyebrow at me like,
What the hell are you looking at?
"Thinking dirty again."
Gulp.
I swallowed hard.
His collarbones are insanely beautiful.
And wearing an oversized shirt like this makes it even more—
Then it ended with me getting smacked on the head, scattering my dirty thoughts.
Like I said—if he lets me be more than a friend one day, I'll think about what should be what then.
For now, Just follow my heart.
"Ramen, okay?"
"okay" (cocochip : here, Duang just reply with 'dai kha' playfully)
"What, are you a lady or something? Always talking
ka
and
kha."
"Someone likes it though, keep acting tough."
"Oh? Have you tried it to say it's tough?"
" ... "
"Heh. Such a chick."
He smirked, teasing me as I stood stunned. That's just how he is—top-tier at making things sound two-meaning.
Damn, I want to bite him.
But I can't. We're equally strong.
"Same as always?"
"Yes (kha)."
"You really..." Qin shook his head like he had already given up on me.
Well, what can I do?
When it comes to someone I like, I just want to talk sweetly to them.
No way am I using rough words with him.
He's cute.
And cute words suit him perfectly.
"So what time do you have to go back to uni?"
"In the evening. Are you going back to sleep?"
"Mhm, probably."
"Then I'll drop you off first."
"Are you going to sleep?"
"Whoa, are you inviting me to your room?" I pointed my chopsticks at the easy-hearted guy.
"Well, your place is far. Just let you sleep for a bit."
"You're really not being careful at all."
"Like you could do anything to me." He let out a heavy sigh like he was completely fed up with me. I mouthed words silently, watching him slurp up the ramen and chew. Even though he's skinny, he eats like crazy. Even in midnight, his mouth is still chewing. And honestly, he looks the cutest when he eats.
"Eat a lot, okay?"
Because he won't have a mouth to curse at me then.
I grinned, ruffling the head of the person who was chewing while glaring at me. So damn cute. Damn, I really have to thank myself for having the guts to ask him directly that day. And from then on, things just kept flowing naturally until we got to this point. Just having him every day already feels like a dream.
"Let go, ai sat."
Really, though.
_____________
Qin's room was just as clean as I thought it would be. Clean, just like him. I'd seen it before on FaceTime when we hadn't met up, but that was rare, and it never lasted more than five minutes.
"What are you staring at?"
"Well, I've never been in your room before."
"It's just a normal room."
"It smells nice."
"Not everyone's a slob like you."
"Have you ever been to my place? Acting like you know."
To others, his relationship with Qin might seem as slow as a crawling turtle, but to him, it was just the right pace. If it were a car, he could be sure it wouldn't flip over or crash along the way. Someday, they'd reach their destination... not too long from now.
"You have a stuffed animal."
"From an old talking stage."
" ... "
"I swear, if you get jealous, I'll seriously kick you, Duang."
"Can't I be jealous?"
"That is just a talking stage? It ended ages ago."
"Keeping the stuffed animal means you still have feelings. I can see it."
And the big mouth really got kicked in the leg. Duang yelped, glaring at the ruthless guy before snapping when Qin threw the stuffed animal at him like he was pissed at something.
"We stopped talking—what did the stuffed animal do wrong?"
Ugh, I don't want to argue anymore.
Duang mouthed silent complaints before his eyes widened when Qin's pale skin under his clothes caught the warm sunlight filtering through the white blinds.
" ... "
That waist is insanely slim. T_T
"What the f*ck are you looking at? I have to change to sleep."
"Uh, yeah, yeah."
The clueless guy wiped his nose to check if his nosebleed was actually coming out. His weird behavior was caught by the owner of the room, who had already changed his shirt but would definitely not take off his pants in front of this perverted-minded person.
"Pervert."
"I-I'm not, Duang swears!"
"Already hard."
"You!!!"
Duang squeezed his thighs together, clutching his pants—which were not hard at all—while looking like he was about to cry. His sharp eyes followed Qin, who was walking into the bathroom with long pajama pants in hand. In the end, Duang flopped onto the sofa in the middle of the room, chanting prayers like he'd seen a ghost. If he had holy water, he'd drink it right now!
"Are you changing into sleepwear?"
"Is it bad if I sleep in boxers—"
Why the hell is everything coming at me full force today? God, I'd like to ask for permission to question this.
The art student was lost for words when Qin walked out wearing matching pajamas with Curious George on them. The print made his fair skin stand out even more. And what the hell was that messy little topknot for washing his face?!
"I don't mind. Because you're sleeping on the couch."
"Damn it!"
"Always thinking dirty. Do whatever you want."
"If I sneak into bed with you while you're asleep, will you know?"
"Don't push it. Just this much is already the biggest blessing of your life."
"I feel like crying."
"Go ahead." As soon as the other person's curt words left his mouth, Duang stepped toward Qin, who seemed to be struggling with the air conditioner remote. He took it from him, opened the battery compartment, put the batteries back in, and pressed the button to show Qin that they were just loose.
"Thanks."
See?
Even his short way of saying thanks was cute.
"Why don't you wipe your face properly?"
"Stop using polite speech. I'm not a little girl."
"If you like it, just say you like it. There's no one else here, why do you have to act tough?"
"It's not like that." Duang looked at Qin's face as he started to sulk. He wasn't entirely sure what this was supposed to mean for Qin, but for him, it was definitely sulking. And in his eyes, it was ridiculously cute.
Damn.
"So what is it then?"
Taking the opportunity while the other person was searching for an excuse, he grabbed two or three tissues from the box nearby and wiped Qin's damp face. His long eyelashes and deep-set double eyelids were so damn endearing.
"Aren't you too close?" (cocochip : Qin use 'kha' here)
Thump!
"Whoa, you!"
The dark brown-haired boy raised his hands in surrender and quickly backed away from the person who had suddenly switched to polite speech instead of his usual blunt tone. His heart was beating so erratically that he could hear the rhythm change with his own ears.
I'm about to faint.
"Don't say it often."
"So, you're saying your heart is racing?"
"..."
"Right? If you admit it, I won't say it often."
Duang looked at him fondly. That's exactly what it was. Sometimes, Qin was just like a kid. His thin lips pressed together for just a moment before relaxing again. He didn't say anything, just gave a half-hearted nod and sighed.
So he does get shy, huh?
"You're adorable."
"Shut up and go to sleep."
"So, so cute."
"Duang."
"The cutest ever. :)"
Yeah.
Too damn cute.
______________
Qin's brown hair turned even darker when it got wet. After finishing a discussion about next year's freshman orientation, Duang had been dragged off to play soccer. Beside him sat the person who had said he'd just wait, lured in by the promise of grilled meat at a delicious restaurant. Believe it or not, food could always win over Qin.
"What the hell are you staring at?"
"You're pale."
"Fuck off."
"You smell nice."
"I'm covered in sweat."
"Love it."
Then, the person who kept teasing him got smacked on the head. Today, Qin was such a good forward that it made Duang nervous. How was he so good at soccer?
So cool, I wanna cry.
"You're so whipped."
"Jet, go away." The tall boy nudged his friend away with his foot. There were so many places to wash up—why the hell did he have to stand there watching?
"Jet loves Khun Qin." After saying that, he went and leaned against Qin's
chest.
Duang nearly had a heart attack. Everyone knew Qin hated physical
contact. After talking for half a year, he hadn't even held his hand yet. And
where the hell did this guy come from, hugging him and resting his head on
his waist?
"I'm sweating."
"Jet loves Khun Qin." Jet repeated.
"Are you an Autobot?"
Duang watched as Qin lightly patted Jet's shoulder but didn't push him away. Just let him hug him like that. So now he didn't know how to play hard to get?
"Why are you letting him hug you?"
"Don't use 'kha' here, Duang. I'm gonna puke."
"Right?"
"Right, Khun Qin."
See?!
Even you're doing it now!
"Jet, stop messing with him. He's about to cry. He's helpless, totally useless."
"Fine, sorry for being useless." Qin brushed his long bangs back and shook his head at the guy sulking next to him. He was always whining about something. Even though Jet had already let go, he was still pouting.
Not gonna console him.
Sulking for no reason.
"So we're all going, right?" One of Duang's friends asked, and Qin was the one who nodded because the guy who was still sulking kept huffing and turning away.
"I'm going in Duang's car."
"Me too!!"
Duang wanted to die.
Was there ever a time when he could drive and spend the red-light moments just quietly looking at Qin's face? He shouldn't have brought his car today, damn it.
"I'll drive."
"Just sit still. You've been playing soccer for two hours, you know."
"You're no different. Give me the keys."
"Duang is the wifeee!"
It was Jet again, blurting that out before running after Qin to the car. Duang clenched his fists... The moment Qin was out of sight, he was going to call that bastard Jet in for an attitude adjustment. This was called respecting the wife—take notes. Who would dare argue? If he could give in, he would.
"Qin is handsome, you know."
"I knew that before you did."
"No, but really. Ja and the others ask me every day—what's up with you two? Handsome and handsome, neither willing to back down, same height. Ja said that, by the book, the bottom should be shorter and have a sweeter face."
"Qin's face is sweet, though."Duang mumbled, glancing at the broad shoulders of the person who turned to check for just a second whether he was following.
But yeah...
A dog follows its owner.
The owner should've realized by now—he's never going anywhere.
"Your face is sweeter than his, Duang."
"Disgusting."
"I'm serious."
"Do you love me, Pae?"
"How much?" Pae asked flatly.
"Two hundred."
"You're the husband."
"Understood."
They shook hands after settling on an agreement. Pae shook his head in annoyance. He always made the first move, but whenever he tried to push forward, he got ignored. But in reality, there was a cute side to it, like how two men could talk to each other. They had to get along a lot more before they would get along.
"Buckle up."
"Yeah, yeah."
Jet nudged the friend beside him, gesturing toward the two sitting in thefront seats. Their conversation about which playlist to listen to was adorable—one, a music major, was talking about the mood and tone of the songs, while the other kept saying how great the lyrics were.
"Then let's go with the middle playlist. This is me compromising the most for you, okay?"
"Who asked you to compromise?"
"I'll remember this."
"Sulking over nothing."
"Yeah, sure. Like I even have the right to."
Qin sighed and reached over to flick the forehead of the guy who never shut up. Before long, the so-called middle playlist started playing.
And that playlist? It was a mix of both their favorite songs.
"Damn."
"First song already hitting me hard."
"Why do I have to smile when in truth, we should be sad~~"
Duang nodded along to the cheerful beat, but the lyrics stabbed deep. Nothing was more painful than the friend zone. All he could do was steal glances at the person next to him every now and then, only to see that Qin still had that usual blank expression and was focused on driving.
"Just being close like this, even if I never exist in your eyes, doesn't matter to me at all~!"
"Crush me more, Jet! Crush me more!"
"Khun Qin, any thoughts?"
"On the song?"
"Yes, sir."
Even though the singer's voice filled the car with an upbeat melody despite the heart-wrenching lyrics, the three of them felt like someone had turned down the volume, leaving an awkward silence.
"It's a good pop song, has an '80s dance vibe."
"Oh, come on, Khun Qin!"
"Not like that, man! Relate to the person next to you a little, hahaha!"
Pae laughed so hard that he had tears in his eyes.
Yeah, what did they expect? Asking a music student, of course he'd answer like one.
Duang looked so tense he might as well stop breathing.
"This song and Duang, huh?"
" ... "
"Hmm... We were never friends to begin with."
They say water dripping on stone every day...
"We're talking."
...And the stone just admitted they were talking.
Yet somehow, he still managed to smile.
"Awwwwww!"
"Duang, hold yourself together! Huffff, you're smiling so wide your face is gonna split open, you idiot."Right at that moment, the song ended and a new one began.
This time, it was the one Qin had added to the playlist.
Duang met the eyes of the person who softly pressed the brakes. Qin's long bangs covered eyes that Duang couldn't quite describe in terms of shape, but if he were to look at them artistically—
He thought they were beautiful.
"Looking back on 2009 when people said that it was raining all the time... I
see sunshine 'cause I know that you are mine."
And Qin's voice—one he rarely heard—was beautiful too.
_____________
"Cheers!"
"Happy birthday again, phi!"
"Strong, big, long – blessings! That's my wish for you."
"Cheers!!~"
After grilling butter until I was dizzy, I went back to my dorm to take a shower and change clothes before heading to the bar. It turned out to be a senior's birthday party in my faculty. At first, I actually thought about going to pick up Qin.
He doesn't drive a car because he says he's too lazy to find parking, so he has an expensive imported pop car from Japan, which can only seat one person, for getting around. And honestly, I don't really feel okay with him driving to the bar and then driving back by himself.
Nakhon Pathom has tons of traffic, and he's all alone too.
"What are you looking for, Duang?""Qin."
"Khun Qin is over there, at the naughty kids' table."
"He's already here? How did he get here?"
"Go ask him, dude. You know he doesn't like replying to messages."
I shook my head. I had already learned that lesson, and besides, I didn't want to disturb him while he was with his friends. As long as he got here safely, that was enough for me. But if he got drunk, I might have to step in and offer to take him home and leave his car here.
Not sure if he'd agree, though. He guards that car like a mother cobra protecting her eggs.
"Hey, Duang! Still no girlfriend, huh?"
"Come on, phi, I'm talking to someone."
"Talking till your next life, maybe. I asked you back when you were a freshman, and now you're about to welcome new freshmen yourself, and you're still 'talking'?"
"I'm in no rush, phi."
I clinked my glass with the birthday senior's and chatted about life. Honestly, when people ask me about this often, I start to feel a bit unsteady.
And what if I end up just being 'talking to someone' forever?
Damn it, Duang. Why don't you ever get enough?
"Duang, Duang!"
"Oh, hey, Gaem."
I snapped out of my thoughts, answering my classmate a little absentmindedly. She leaned in close to my ear since the music in the barwas pretty loud. That's just how it is with live music—it's always intense.
"My friend likes you. She's at the table near the stage, wearing a white shirt."
"There are three people in white, Gaem." I laughed.
"Sorry, white spaghetti-strap top."
It was just basic manners. At the very least, I shouldn't embarrass any girl like that. So I gave her a small smile before Gaem told me that her friend wanted my LINE because she had already messaged me on Instagram, and I hadn't replied.
"You don't have a girlfriend yet, right, Duang?"
"Nope, nope."
I glanced over Gaem's shoulder and caught someone's gaze on me—like a cat eyeing its favorite toy.
He was there, under the warm lighting, wearing a nylon shirt, just the way he liked. The fabric draped over him, contrasting against his pale skin.
I smiled slightly and spoke my next words.
"But I will soon."
"Wow, so you're talking to someone?"
"Something like that."
Gaem's face fell. She turned to look at her friend, and it seemed like both of them understood why I couldn't give my LINE. And why I hadn't answered the Instagram DM—it was simply because I rarely checked it.
"That's okay then. I'll go comfort my friend."
"Please apologize for me."
"See, you're cute just like this, Duang." I high-fived Kaem a few times as a farewell before shifting my gaze to see if Qin was drunk yet, but he had disappeared from his seat.
"He went out to smoke."
"You're always nosy, aren't you?"
"Hey, you should be thanking me, you dog-faced idiot." Jet snapped at me, but I ignored him.
I walked out of the bar, looking for someone who wasn't exactly a heavy smoker but had always smoked nonetheless. I never had the annoying urge to nag him to quit. I believed Qin knew his own limits—if he wanted to quit, he would do it himself. I just took care of him in the ways he allowed me to, without making him uncomfortable.
"You."
I touched his waist, telling myself it was a little moment of luck. He glanced at me briefly before turning back to cup his hand around the flame of his lighter. The fire flickered in the wind, so I stepped in to block it, making it easier for him to light his cigarette.
"Thanks."
"It's nothing."
He sat down on a long bench, and I did the same, leaving a small gap between us so he wouldn't feel crowded. Qin glanced at me before speaking in a tired tone.
"Mosquitoes will bite you."
"They won't."
"So, what do you want?"" ... "
"I'm just asking, not scolding."
He's adorable.
I told you already.
"I wanted to ask if you drove here."
"No, I came with Cho."
"Good. I don't want you driving back alone."
"I knew that, so I came with Cho."
And I would keep telling you over and over again...
The simple truth is that you're adorable.
"You nag a lot."
Some people had told me that Qin wasn't really interested in me, that in the end, I'd be waiting for nothing. That this would be a one-sided thing and I'd only end up disappointed.
But that wasn't true.
I knew better than anyone.
He cared about me— In his own way.
And he cared about me as much as someone like him possibly could.
"Someone asked for my LINE earlier."
"I saw."We locked eyes.
He put out his cigarette after blowing out the last bit of smoke. I wished this moment could last just a little longer.
"But I didn't give it to them."
Being able to meet his gaze like this—
"I already have someone."
Then, his cold hand landed gently on my head, ruffling my hair lightly with that usual unreadable expression. I figured maybe his charm lay in that kindness hidden deep within, given out selectively to different people.
At least for today, I was happy to be one of them, and it didn't matter what place I ranked in his life.
As long as he was here with me, that was enough. :)