Retribution
Emilia leaned back and frowned, worried. "What's wrong? You look like you've seen a ghost."
Subaru rubbed the back of his head. "I-I'm fine," he mumbled. "Just happy that I'm alive."
"Mhm. Me too." She kept her arms around his shoulders as if afraid of letting go. "You reeaally scared me back in the loot house."
"That's not, I mean," Subaru stuttered before shaking his head to clear it. "What about you? I'm not the only one who got hurt."
"But Puck healed me and ran out of energy before he could heal you." A shadow covered her eyes as she regretfully told him, "I'm sorry. I was powerless to help you."
Subaru poked Emilia's shoulder. "Hey, none of that," he said lightly. "I was fine. Besides, you saved my life, too."
"I don't understand," she said in confusion. "When did I ever help you?" He didn't answer, electing instead to smile. With a huff, she told him, "Fine. If you reeaally don't want to tell me, then I'll get the answer out of you another time."
"I look forward to it, Emilia-tan," said Subaru with a cheeky grin.
"Tan?" echoed Emilia with a tilt of her head.
"It's an honorific from my homeland," he explained. "It's a sign of affection."
"But you don't use honorifics for anyone else," she pointed out.
"That's because they're not as great as Emilia-tan," he said like it was obvious.
She giggled. "You're such a dunderhead, Subaru."
He rolled his eyes. "Yeah, no one says that anymore."
Hours later, Subaru stood up, planted his hands on the dining room table, and said, "Lord Roswaal, as compensation for helping Emilia, I demand that you hire me to work at this mansion!"
The room was silent.
Subaru stayed in his pose, refusing to back down. Okay, yeah, he could have asked a little nicer, but then it wouldn't be as flashy or cool.
The room's occupants were frozen solid.
It wasn't that weird of a request, right? He'd done it before. Like, three or four times before. They usually responded after a few seconds.
Ram sneezed, and the world started again.
"Is that your cue or something?" he asked incredulously.
"Why yes, of cooourse," Roswaal said with open arms. "Is that not how it wooorks where you are from?"
"I don't think that's how it works anywhere," Subaru grumbled before his voice returned to a normal volume. "Listen, do I have the job or not?"
With a purely theatrical sigh, Roswaal conceded, "I suppooose I can allow it. Rem, my dear, will you show our newest employee his responsibilities?"
"Yes, Lord Roswaal," said Rem with a bow.
"Crap—I mean, lead the way!" cried Subaru with a bit too much enthusiasm. Rem gave him a sideways look but did as he asked.
The silence was palpable between Subaru and Rem as they walked the halls. Subaru idly wondered if he could slice apart the tension like he did his fingers when peeling potatoes.
"So…uh, Rem, right?" said Subaru in a lame attempt to strike up a conversation. "I think Roswaal wanted you to show me the ropes."
"He did," Rem said flatly as she stopped and pointed. "This is your primary purpose here."
Subaru gave a disparaging glance at the direction Rem pointed. "Rem, that's a trash bin."
"Is there a problem?" she asked, knowing full well what the problem is.
"Yes!" Subaru exclaimed. "You basically called me trash! I expected that from Ram, not you."
Rem stepped forward, lowly asking, "How do you know how my sister would act?"
'Oh, shit,' he thought, realizing how precarious his position was.
"As I recall, you only woke up a couple of hours ago," she said with forced calm. "You have not received more than her name, and that was courtesy of Lord Roswaal's introduction. Your impression of her would be the silent type."
"I-I was just…" he trailed off.
"You have no need to hide it." Her face twisted as she dropped all pretenses of kindness. "You were watching this mansion and tricked Miss Emilia into giving you access so that you can finish the job you started, Witch Cultist."
"How—how'd you even get to that conclusion?!" he asked incredulously. "That's ridiculous!"
"It's because you reek of the Witch." Rem's eyes glowed red as hatred etched itself on her face. Being so used to the shy, loving girl, Subaru had completely forgotten how scary Rem could be.
"Look, that's not my fault," he defended, perhaps a bit too quickly, "and it has nothing to do with the Witch's Cult."
Rem's eyes gleamed with accusation. "Then why do you look so guilty?"
Subaru visibly deflated. "I…It's not…" A lump formed in his throat, but he forced the words out. "It's because every time I look at you, I'm reminded of how I failed to save one of the people most important to me."
Rem was unmoved. If anything, she looked angrier. "You are a liar, Subaru Natsuki, and a danger to our livelihood," she said coldy. "I won't let you hurt me or my sister."
His eyes widened. "N-no! I'm not lying! I lo—"
"I'm so glad you're okay. I was worried about you."
Hours later, Subaru stood up, planted his hands on the dining room table, and said, "Lord Roswaal, as compensation for helping Emilia, I demand that you hire me to work at this mansion!"
Ram yawned.
"Well, that was quick," he muttered. "So, do I have the job?"
"I don't see why nooot," sang Roswaal. "That was prooobably the quickest interview I've ever haaad, but I don't mind. Welcome to my staff, Subaaaru."
"Thanks, Ros." Subaru flashed a cheeky grin before he turned serious. "Listen, there's something I need to nip in the bud before it becomes an issue."
"Oooh?"
Subaru hesitated. He'd probably be killed on the spot, but it was worth a shot. "I know that I smell like the Witch."
He anticipated Rem's angry stare. He predicted Roswaal's narrowed eyes. Emilia's nod and gentle smile? Well, he certainly didn't expect that.
"Reinhard and I talked about it," Emilia revealed. She looked around the table, meeting everyone's eyes in turn. "We don't know how, but Subaru has an Authority and used it to save me from Elsa. When Reinhard was healing his Od, he saw how brave and kind Subaru was despite the miasma surrounding him. He may smell bad…"
"Hey!"
"…but I trust him." She looked at Subaru with a gentle smile, her devotion obvious.
At that moment, he fell in love with Emilia all over again.
"What an unexpeeected development!" exclaimed Roswaal. "When you showed up, I never expected you to be so iiinteresting."
"S-so, you're not going to kill me?" Subaru winced at how meek his voice sounded.
Roswaal looked offended. "What a ridiiiculous notion. While you are in this mansion, I shall let no harm befall you."
'Well, that's a fucking lie,' Subaru grumbled internally.
Oblivious to Subaru's thoughts, Roswaal snapped his fingers. "Rem, be a deeear and get Subaru his new outfit," he commanded.
She bowed. "Yes, Lord Roswaal." She walked towards Subaru and, without turning her head, whispered in a deadly voice, "I'll be watching you."
Subaru heard chains, but whether it was real or in his head, he would never know.
Happiness. Hope. Mirth. Love. The lesser spirits did not speak, but Emilia felt their emotions all the same. They danced around her, just as they did every day.
She loved them.
"Awe-inspiring as always, EMT!" cheered Subaru.
"It's nothing special, but I appreciate the sentiment." Emilia ended her communion with the lesser spirits and watched in surprise as a few of them dashed over to Subaru. He laughed as they swirled around him.
"What's that?" he asked the spirits. "You also think Emilia-tan looks absolutely radiant? I see you have good taste."
"There you go again with those jokes of yours." She admired the flickering lights, their quiet thrums of power echoing through her as she sat beside Subaru. "The spirits seem to like you," she noted.
"Yeah, well, I got a bit of an affinity with them," he said dismissively. "Nothing special."
She huffed at his modesty. "Nothing special?" she asked incredulously. "The spirits went to you on their own accord. Most experienced spirit arts users need to call them. Puck says I'm one of the few exceptions."
Subaru said nothing in return, choosing instead to admire his temporary companions. She eyed him curiously, saying, "You're an odd one, Subaru. You venerate others but ignore your own merits."
With a chuckle, he said, "No one says 'venerate' in this day and age." He leaned back, watching as Puck flew out to play with the lesser spirits. "Anyway, I don't talk about my 'merits' because there's not really much to say about me. I have a few tricks up my sleeve, but I'm powerless. I can't even do magic anymore."
"Really?" she asked, impressed. "You were a magic user?"
"Barely. I used to be able to cast a mediocre Shamac, but my gate collapsed."
She hummed, saying, "You must have strained it reeaally bad. Gates don't collapse out of nowhere."
"Yeah. I only got to use it a few times, too," he grumbled, his voice tinged with regret. "Aside from learning the spell—that lesson failed spectacularly, by the way—I got to use Shamac against a mabeast."
She gaped. "I-I'm sorry, you fought a mabeast?"
"'Fought' is being generous. I got my ass kicked," he said ruefully. "Point is that I damaged my gate. A couple of weeks later, I used it again."
"Well, that was very stupid of you," she scolded. "Didn't anyone tell you not to use magic while your gate was healing?"
"They did, but as you said, I was stupid. I fought a guy who was way stronger than me to impress a girl," he admitted.
She winced. "I can't imagine that worked out well for you."
He laughed as self-loathing filled the air. "Got my ass kicked and the girl was pissed. Totally deserved the tongue-lashing I received. I didn't see it that way at the time, of course. I was a self-righteous bastard." He looked off into the distance, drowning in regret. "I put her on a pedestal, and I expected her to understand what I was going through without saying anything. I'd call the resulting fight a break-up, but we weren't together in the first place; it's not like someone like her would have ever fallen for me."
She put a hand on his arm and gazed at him in pity. "Subaru, don't—"
"Say that about myself?" he finished for her. "Don't worry about it. I was pathetic back then. I mean, I still am, but I like to think I grew out of those specific issues."
"You have, Subaru. And you're not pathetic at all," she said emphatically. She clenched the hem of her nightgown, her face flushed. "I-I mean, um…" Why was it suddenly so hard for her to speak? "Maybe this is weird to say, especially since we haven't known each other for very long, but…you don't do any of that stuff. You're selfless, honest, and genuinely kind. You don't judge me for being a half-elf, but you don't see me as perfect, either. I feel like you see all of me: the good and the bad. And, um, I don't mind you seeing any of that."
She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye, unable to look at him properly for some strange reason. "Was that weird?" she asked nervously. "That's reeaally weird, I'm sorry."
"I-it's not weird at all!" he said quickly. She had never seen someone so red before. Did she look like that? "It actually makes me happy, Emilia-tan."
"G-good. That's good," she muttered. She took a deep breath to calm her racing heart, overwhelmed by the strange warmth flowing through her. "A-anyway, I see why that whole thing would be embarrassing."
"Utterly humiliating," he agreed.
"Losing your gate on top of that must have made it even worse," she noted.
"Actually, that's not when I lost my gate," he informed her.
"You didn't?" she asked. "When did you—"
"Well," he began, smiling fondly at the memories, "I had a fist-fight with this big tiger man who didn't want me to leave his forest."
"Wait, what—"
The forest bordering Arlam village held fond memories for Subaru: playing with the village children, bantering with Rem and Ram, and his wonderful date with Emilia.
And, of course, almost being devoured by mabeasts. Can't forget about that one.
He checked the crystals of every tree, muttering to himself. "This one's fine…that one, too…damn it! This doesn't make any sense! There should be a broken crystal; why hasn't Meili taken action?" He knew he should be glad that the mabeasts weren't a threat yet, but it still unnerved him. "My memory's probably just bad. It's been almost two years, and that's not even counting the shenanigans with those books. The crystal probably won't be broken until the kids are abducted." He adopted a thoughtful look. "Actually, that sounds about right…damn it! I just wasted an hour of sleep."
Subaru trudged back up to the mansion, grumbling but satisfied with his conclusion. Looks like he had a few more days to prepare before shit hit the fan.
Overall, things were going well. He'd made Emilia blush multiple times (a skill he picked up after a year of being her knight), dodged Roswaal's suspicion, and avoided the ire of the maid sisters. This was easily his best loop yet.
"What are you doing out here?"
'Fuck.'
Rem was standing on the other side of a clearing, her morning star glinting in the moonlight. Her icy-blue eyes stared down her target.
He backed up in fear. "L-look Rem, I was just going for a walk."
"There are plenty of beautiful gardens at the mansion," she pointed out. "Why go near the village?" He had no response, so she narrowed her eyes, coldly saying, "Let's skip the pleasantries. I know what you are. You may have fooled the others, but I see through you. I won't let you hurt anyone, Witch Cultist."
Subaru clenched his fist. "Why can't you trust me?! I've done nothing but be kind!"
Her weapon appeared in her hands. "Your actions are meaningless if your intentions are malevolent."
"Intentions?" he echoed incredulously. "I want to be your friend! I want to be your hero, just like—"
'Just like I used to be.'
He remembered her arms around him as he cried. Her smile as she lifted him up. Her loving gaze as she gave him the will to fight.
'Why can't we go back to that?' he thought mournfully.
Rem shook with anger. "A pathetic being like you could never be a hero," she growled." All you're good for is dying."
She threw her weapon at inhuman speeds, and Subaru tensed. All he needed to do was use Invisible Providence to block the weapon, then retaliate with his fists.
But he wouldn't, just like every other loop. This was his retribution. Rem had every right to kill Subaru. So, he accepted his punishment with tears in his eyes.
The moment he finished his thought, Rem's morning star tore off his left arm and he fell to his knees with an anguished cry.
She stalked over towards his downed form, shoulders shaking with rage. "Fight back!" she screamed. "Why won't you fight back!"
"B-because I care about you," he choked out. "Because I miss you."
She kicked him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him. "Stop speaking nonsense!" she snarled. "Fight back, you coward!"
"I-it was you…you told me to stand up and f-fight." With a hefty swing of her flail, she tore off his left leg. "Y-you taught me…to believe in myself." His right leg. "You held my hand and called me your hero." His right arm. On the verge of unconsciousness, he whispered, "We made a promise to each other."
She stepped hard on his ribs, shattering them; the bones punctured his lungs and blood filled his throat. "Even in your last moments, you're spouting lies," she spat. "How pathetic." She raised her weapon. "Rot in Hell, Cultist."
With his last remaining breath, Subaru choked out, "I loved you, Rem."
"I'm so glad you're okay. I was worried about you."
Hot tears soaked Emilia's shoulder, so she held Subaru tighter. "You've been through so much," she soothed. "I'm right here. You're safe now."
"S-she…I…" She could barely hear him, as his head was shoved in the crook of her neck, though she didn't mind.
"I understand," she said softly. "She hurt you really bad, didn't she?"
He nodded into her shoulder. "I-it hurt," he whimpered, "and I tried to g-get her to stop, but I deserved it! She h-had every right to kill me!"
"That's not true," she reprimanded. "Why would you say something like that?"
"B-because it's my fault!" he cried. "No one remembers her and it's all my fault! I-I tried to get her name back, but I failed, and then they took your name, too, and I'm such a failure!"
She frowned before she remembered: Reinhard said that Subaru would be mentally unstable for a bit. "None of it is your fault," she reassured him as she stroked his hair. "Listen to me, okay? You're in Roswaal's mansion, and you're safe here. Let me take care of you. It's the least I can do after everything you've done for me."
"Th-that's not—how can you say that? I abandoned you!" He pulled back, staring into her eyes with guilt. "I left you in the Tower, and there was that thrice-damned book, and you weren't there…I left you alone. I-I just wanted to help you, but I…I let you die…so, so many times. Don't you see? All I do is hurt you! The Royal Selection, the Sanctuary, the Tower…how can you sit there so calmly when I've been so horrible to you?"
She didn't understand, but that didn't matter. Her hero was in pain. She brushed a stray lock of hair away from his face and smiled, her amethyst eyes shining with affection. "Because I care about you," she whispered.
She held him as he cried himself to sleep.
That afternoon, he woke up, still in her arms. He gave her a shaky smile and a whisper of gratitude, and that was more than enough to make her day.
Things went better this time around. Sure, he made a fool of himself in front of Emilia, but that was expected when your name was Subaru Natsuki. The conversation in the dining hall went the same, but this time, he decided to take his chances and explain a few things to Rem. She lead Subaru to one of the gardens, intent on showing him around, but Subaru was having none of that.
"Hey, Rem?" he softly called out. "The reason I have an Authority is because of an attack by the Witch's Cult." She turned and stared at him, her interest peaked. "They hurt a lot of people that were very important to me." A snowy hellscape filled his mind's eye. "In the end, I…defeated a Sin Archbishop, and I obtained his power. That's why I smell like the Witch. I promise you: it's not because I'm a Cultist."
She was quiet for a moment, mulling over what he said. "Why are you telling me this?"
He rubbed his neck. "You weren't exactly moved when Emilia said you could trust me, and I don't want us to be enemies." He took a deep breath. "I want to be your friend, Rem."
How many times had he sat by her bedside, begging her to wake up? He had wanted nothing more than to hear her sweet voice one more time, and because of his carelessness, he would never hear it again.
He missed his Rem, and a part of him would always love her.
He held out his hand and she eyed it warily. Seemingly coming to a decision, she shook it with dainty fingers. "I think I would like that." She gave a slight smile, and his heart skipped a beat. "It would be nice…to be your friend, Subaru."
Three times. He died three times to Rem's fury. He could have explained this to her at any point, so why didn't he?
It wasn't because he didn't think of it. Deep down, he knew what to do from the start.
However, in that sick, twisted way of his…he wanted to die. His Rem no longer existed, and this was his retribution for her fate.
Subaru Natsuki was letting himself die.
It was his fault, and he wanted someone to recognize that. He thought that her accusations and her hatred would grant him a sense of fulfillment, but it didn't. He was still empty. He still missed her.
Perhaps it was time…to let her memory go.
Days later, Subaru collapsed onto his bed, exhausted. It was well past midnight; not only did he have a full day of housekeeping, but he had spent hours researching in the Forbidden Library.
"No progress on that front," he muttered. It was disappointing, but he still had time. "Heh, kinda surprised Beako hasn't kicked me out yet." He grinned at the thought of Beatrice. The drill-haired loli grandma was way too fun to mess with.
He folded his arms behind his head and looked at the ceiling, feeling proud of himself. "You know what, Subaru Natsuki? I think you made it past this loop."
It took way more tries than last time, but he did it. Apparently, the key to surviving in the mansion was sobbing uncontrollably in Emilia's arms. Who knew?
It seemed there wouldn't even be a mabeast attack. Meili was nowhere to be found. Should that concern him? Probably, if he was being honest. She was on his "protect list." Still, she was a resourceful girl. She'd be okay, and he was sure they'd meet someday.
He closed his eyes with a smile. Finally, he could sleep…
"My, oh, my," came a voice that chilled him to the core. "We can't have you asleep when I kill you. That's no fun."
He shot out of bed. "Elsa!" he cried. "Why are you here? Didn't you have enough last time I kicked your ass?"
She giggled. "Aw, that's cute. You think surprising me is the same as overpowering me." She brandished her knives, not even bothering to adopt a ready position. "I hope you took good care of your bowels for me.
"Wh-why are you here, anyway?" he asked, raising his voice subtly in the hopes of waking someone up. "Who hired you?"
"I normally don't make it a habit of revealing my clients, but I'll tell you just this once."
'Roswaal,' he thought angrily. 'It's totally Roswaal, that bastard.'
Elsa gave a coy smile as she eyed his gut, licking her lips in excitement. With a shivering voice, she told him, "This was a direct order from Mama."
He blinked, too perturbed to feel unnerved by her gaze. "Capella?" he asked incredulously. "Why am I even on her radar?"
For the first time in his many lives, he saw her scowl. "Do not speak her name!" she seethed, abruptly lunging forward.
He tensed and concentrated. Invisible Providence activated and an Unseen Hand reached for her throat, only for her to jump over it and slash him with her knife.
He fell to the ground, clutching his stomach and screaming in pain. "D-damn it!" Blood pooled around his fingers as he felt his body shutting down. "This run…I'm not…letting it go to waste!"
She kneeled before him and whispered into his ear. "You silly boy," she cooed. "You really think you can try the same trick twice? Once I saw that look in your eye, I knew to jump." She sighed and pouted. "And here I was hoping for a challenge. Mama was right: you're not worthy of an Authority."
'I won't die I won't die I won't die I won't…die…'
The Bowel Hunter vanished into the night as her latest victim drew his final breath.
The Witch's Hand gripped his heart in a loving caress, dragging him into the shadows. Despite that, Subaru was not afraid. Every time his heart was taken, he remembered.
He remembered his soul healing after every death.
He remembered the great citadel of shadows.
Above all, he remembered who awaited him, and he smiled.
"It's good to see you again…Satella."