Linda froze in shock, staring at her partner. His presence wasn't a surprise to me; Nancy had spotted the idiot long before he found some old portable ladder and started playing peeping tom, spying on us through the window.
"Hah, it's not very polite to burst in through a window, let alone point your little pea-shooter at strangers," I say, drawing out my words, feeling a smug, arrogant smirk spread across my face all on its own. No, seriously, what was this idiot hoping for? Though, I'll admit, the fact that he had a weapon made of "angelic steel" genuinely surprised me. "Or have you all gone completely feral down here on Earth?"
"…" The brunette finally snapped out of it. She spun around to face One. "John, wait, he's an angel, lower your weapon!" she tried to persuade this John character. Her eyes darted around in fear; the girl was clearly terrified that this toy could actually kill me… Well, it's nice when someone worries about you, but it's damn annoying to be underestimated so severely. These clowns couldn't even kill imps back in the day, and here I am—a full-fledged "angel," as she thinks.
"What's going on over there?" Nancy's anxious voice sounded in my ear. Right, the girl's curious, I can understand that.
"Why don't you come see for yourself? You can put the phone back in her purse while you're at it, if you haven't already," I reply mentally, never taking my mocking gaze off John.
"Stand back, Two! This thing is far more dangerous than those imps!" the agent replied to his partner, keeping his sights trained on me. "What are you?"
"Oh, so you've finally deigned to ask me directly, instead of just making up silly assumptions?" I begin to walk calmly towards him, studying him with interest. Let's see what he's made of…
"Don't come any closer!"
"John, stop!"
The shouts came almost simultaneously. After a couple more of my unhurried steps, I heard the piercing, deafening roar of a gunshot. The angelic steel bullet flew straight for my forehead. The guy clearly wanted to blow my brains out. Commendable. But an attack of this level doesn't work on me…
A meter from my face, the bullet stopped dead, as if it had hit an invisible wall. The very air in the room suddenly became dense, heavy. The bullet fell to the floor with a soft clink. The table and chairs were crushed into the floor with a crack, and only their high-quality construction allowed them to remain relatively intact. Linda and One dropped to their knees under the monstrous pressure. John, gritting his teeth and straining every muscle, desperately tried to aim his pistol at me again. Useless.
So, what kind of technique is this? Oh, with energy, you can create anything: any object, even an illusion… But who said you have to create an object? Why not, for example, a phenomenon? I've created fire many times without even thinking about the fact that fire isn't an object at all. Thanks to Lucifer and his lessons, I've now become a truly versatile and genuinely powerful fighter. Right now, I just created pressure. Yes, just like that. And by infusing this pressure with more Light (or Darkness), I could strengthen or weaken it, or even redirect it, concentrating it in one specific spot. I could literally crush a person into a bloody meat patty, and the radius of this "attack" of mine extended virtually anywhere within an entire world. All I had to do was fill the space with my energy, that's it.
"Interesting toy…" In an instant, the pressure weakens significantly, releasing the girl completely. The pistol, torn from John's loosened grip, is in my hand a second later. Definitely human-made. In Hell, they only make such weapons using various runes, symbols, and other enhancing crap, because angelic steel is far too expensive to be used for a common firearm. Here, only the frame and most of the parts were made of "angelic steel," but its mechanism was that of a perfectly ordinary pistol. Whoa, and there's an inscription: "Made in Vatican." Well, at least it's not "Made in China," I was starting to have my suspicions…
Now the bullet, flattened by the pressure, flies over to me: also angelic steel. Now, let's check the magazine. Yup, completely ordinary, human 9mm cartridges. Definitely made by humans for humans, which means Eve probably has nothing to do with this. And that is wonderful.
"So, where did you get guns like these? Don't tell me you took them from demons and melted them down?" I ask the two agents. Linda seems like a decent girl, though her gaze is a bit manic right now. Can't tell if she wants to screw me right here or dissect me. Or maybe send me to Hell to "punish demons." Who the hell can figure out these obsessive types?
"This weapon was issued to us by the Holy See," Linda immediately began to answer, glancing at her partner, who had somehow managed to get back up from his knees. Alright, enough torturing him. I release the pressure completely and am instantly rewarded with a grateful look from the brunette and a still-wary one from One. "We work for the Vatican. Also, most of the world's mega-corporation owners are our sponsors and are also part of the church's inner circles," Linda started revealing more than I'd asked, apparently trying to ease the tension from her partner's behavior and show that we were, in a way, on the same side. A smart girl, no matter what anyone says.
"Excellent. I'd love to hear this fascinating story, but a little later," I interrupt her. I'd first like to get their full and unconditional agreement to a change in employer… "John, isn't it?" I turn to the guy, who nods cautiously. "My name is Adam. I am the progenitor of all humanity, an Archangel, and the Commander of the Heavenly Host." Yep, they were definitely not ready for that. Even Linda, it seems, hadn't guessed that much, thinking I was just a regular angel. "And I would like to change this world. To rid it of the demons who wander into the human world as if they own the place, who kill, rape, torture, and corrupt people, leading them down the path of Darkness."
"We agree to help," Linda interjected at once, without hesitation, the manic gleam in her eyes flaring up with new intensity.
"Two…" One, who still hadn't fully grasped what was happening, tried to intervene. Since he calls her by a number, he's probably not "One" but "Agent One," right?
"I'm not finished," I cut in again. "The human world is mired in lust and depravity. Humans have committed many terrible sins, and because of this, most of them are now suffering in Hell, tortured by demons. However, the people themselves are not to blame. This is all part of a global plan by the Darkness." I spread my arms wide, and the pistol flies smoothly through the air back to its owner. He could only harm me with it through a surprise attack. "The Darkness has infiltrated your world and, through the hands of demons, is wreaking havoc here, causing all of humanity to gradually degenerate. Your organization is one of the few remaining bastions of Light." Not really, of course. Remembering the methods of these two from the canon… let's just say if these guys make it to Heaven, it'll only be after a personal "review" from Lucifer, since the good and evil in their souls were about equal. "I want you to continue serving the Light. We will help you, reveal all the secrets of the universe, and do everything to ensure you go to Heaven after death. However, I will need your complete, unconditional loyalty. You will have no other bosses but me. No idols, no masters."
That speech came out a little weird, but oh well. Let's hope it works. Linda, I could see, was already on board with everything, but John was still hesitating. Well then, let's add a little "Divine Miracle."
Snap.
The entire room is instantly cleaned and in perfect condition. The agents' clothes are also clean and unwrinkled, the girl's purse is in her hands, the broken window is fixed, and all their bruises and even old scars have vanished without a trace. I got this useful trick from Sera… Well, more accurately, she offered it to me herself, and I, overjoyed at such an unexpected stroke of luck, immediately accepted. Yep, turns out Sera was an excellent healer, too.
"We agree," the agents said in unison. And I noted with satisfaction the same manic glint in the eyes of Agent One now, too. Ha, excellent.
"Well then…"
Just then, I notice a strangeness in the Light around me: it begins to tremble, as if someone is teleporting here in the same way I do.
"Dad, what the hell?" Sif appears next to me out of nowhere, spear in hand. The same kind the exorcists were using recently. "I get a report that there's some kind of commotion over here, and you're just messing with some humans?" my son said after surveying the room, then sighed wearily, pulled out his phone, and started dialing a number.
"Well, excuse me. I've already fixed everything, Sif," I reply, feeling a sharp gaze on my back. Nancy, it seems, has finally reached us and is continuing her "surveillance."
"Hello? Yeah, it's handled, cancel the police call," my son says to someone, then hangs up and turns to me. "Alright. Don't scare me like that again. And better yet, give me a heads-up if something like this might happen in the future." After which, another ripple in the Light, and Sif disappears in a bright golden flash. The scamp. Not at all interested in what his old man is up to. I bet he went off to have fun with his catgirl!
"Ahem," I clear my throat, bringing the agents' attention back to me. "First things first, I'd like to know more about your organization. Would you mind giving me a little tour of your headquarters?"
"Not at all. I think we'll find something to surprise you with…" One replied, no longer showing any hostility towards me. They change their attitudes quickly, don't they?
"Excellent. Then let's be on our way," I snap my fingers, and all four of us are now standing in front of the main entrance to that very building… And at the entrance are two massive security guards… Right, totally, fucking, NOT suspicious. Good thing they don't have spears, like in the canon… Or whatever it was they had.
"Huh?" the humans, not expecting such a rapid transfer, looked around.
"This young lady is Nancy Drew. She has agreed to help me out a bit," I say, gesturing to the redhead, anticipating their question. "By the way, pal," I smirked at John. "She was tailing you for a very long time, and she told me the moment you found that ladder and started watching us… Say cheese!"
"Ahem, understood," John said, putting on an unruffled expression. "Please, follow us…"
The inside of the building was surprisingly clean and nice: white, sterile corridors, steel doors with coded locks everywhere, guards with FIREARMS! THEY'RE TRAINABLE, OH MY GOD! Ahem. Anyway, it all looked quite impressive, but I already knew that the most interesting part was hidden much deeper.
"The main operations center is here," Linda said, pressing her keycard to a scanner. The heavy steel door slid aside silently, revealing a spacious, brightly lit room.
Inside, people in white lab coats sat at rows of computer terminals, staring intently at their monitors. The walls were covered with huge screens displaying graphs, satellite images, and news feeds. The air was cool and hummed with the work of dozens of servers.
"Impressive," Nancy admitted honestly, looking around with curiosity. I mentally snorted. Not bad, indeed. Strange that they were so nonchalant about an angel flying around New York City.
"This is our pride and joy," Linda said with professional pride, pointing to the central screen, which showed a map of the USA with the words "Off the Grid." "A global positioning system calibrated to the unique energy resonance of demonic entities. He's in Hell right now, but as soon as he appears here, we'll detect him immediately!"
"We call him 'Subject Zero'," John added, crossing his arms over his chest. "The number one asshole. Wherever he appears, there are always bodies and destruction."
"Does the target have a name? Have you identified him?" Nancy immediately launched into her interrogation, pulling out her notebook.
"He didn't give a name," Linda shook her head. "Description… a humanoid demon, red-skinned, with white markings and long horns. Extremely aggressive and unstable. Has a resistance to electricity."
Subject Zero… Sounds so dramatic. In reality, it's just Blitzo. They have no idea they're tracking a horny, sexually frustrated imp who carries out contract killings for peanuts. Still, a tracker capable of pinpointing a specific demon across the entire country… Not bad, not bad at all. Sarakael could certainly improve this junk, but the idea itself is interesting.
"Let's move on," John said. "I'll show you our response to their aggression."
We took a freight elevator down several floors. The sterile office atmosphere was replaced by the smell of machine oil and ozone. The doors opened into a huge, echoing hangar. In the middle of it, on special platforms, stood them. Four two-meter-tall, clunky mechs, painted in bright colors and crudely imitating the appearance of four demons I knew very well…
"And this is 'Project: Infiltration'," John announced proudly. "Specially created for insertion operations into Hell."
"Are those… robots?" Nancy stared at them with unconcealed amazement. "Why do they look… like caricatures of demons?"
"They're not caricatures," John replied seriously. "They are exact replicas of Subject Zero and his companions, created based on data from security cameras. The perfect camouflage for operating in their environment."
Camouflage… He fucking said "camouflage." A clanking piece of metal in the shape of Blitzo is, in his opinion, perfect camouflage. That's it, I'm going to have an aneurysm. Where's that gun from the Vatican? I suddenly feel the need to shoot myself to end this madness… He seemed like a normal guy, so why such a moronic idea?!
"They were the ones who rescued Subject Zero," Linda's voice became quiet and tense. She pointed to the metal versions of Millie and Loona. "The 'She-wolf' and the second female imp." They thought Moxxie was a female? Ha! It was hard not to laugh, but I managed! "They were… incredibly cunning and cruel."
"Sounds serious," I remarked, examining the damage on the mechs with feigned interest. "And what did you meet them with? Not bamboo sticks, I hope?"
The agents exchanged awkward glances.
"There was… a tactical underestimation of the threat," John mumbled. "At that time, the main team was armed with melee weapons. We didn't think they would be SO prepared…"
"We cornered them, they ran out of ammo," Linda continued, her voice trembling. "They had no way out. And then… he appeared…"
Genuine terror was reflected on her face at the mere memory of it.
"We think it's Satan himself. A huge, dark figure in the shape of a bird. He didn't fight. He… he performed some kind of horrifying, bloody ritual… He possessed me," she shuddered. "It was the most horrible feeling of my life. He controlled my body like a puppet, then manifested in our world, opened a rift in space, and saved those demons…"
Satan? Your "Satan" is just a feathery gay aristocrat named Stolas… Although… I have to give him credit. To pull something like that off, you need considerable power and skill, and he did it without his grimoire, which says more about his intellect than any words could. Stolas's Grimoire contains literally THOUSANDS of spells; memorizing them is impossible, which is why I tried to create a copy of it in the past. Stolas must have specifically learned the most necessary spells to be able to, for example, come to the human world on any day, not just Halloween, and, as in this case, retrieve his grimoire and his group of "friends."
I looked at Linda. I even felt a little sorry for her. In a way, I understood perfectly what she had felt…
"I understand, that sounds terrifying," I said, trying to make my voice sound sympathetic. "But you handled it. And, I'm sure, you drew the right conclusions. You must have an ace up your sleeve, right? Something more serious than caricature robots?"
John and Linda exchanged glances. Pride and confidence flickered in their eyes.
"We do," John nodded. "This way. This is our most secure and secret project… The Holy Nuclear Bomb!"