"What can you tell me about him?" Before having a dialogue with, supposedly, Heaven's main representative on Earth, it would be good to get to know him better. Previously, I'd only gotten my information from public sources, but I was well aware that the personality a person shows in public often differs drastically from how they act "among their own," or even more so, when they're completely alone. In my past life, I was the life of the party among friends, a gloomy, withdrawn loner among acquaintances, and a genuine "dead inside" type when alone with myself or my sister… I wonder, is it possible to bring someone back to life? I was created in God's image and… No, I don't even want to think about that right now. To hell with the past.
"We've only met him once," Linda said, interrupting my train of thought. "It was after we caught those demons. He seemed like a very pleasant, personable man who genuinely wants to deal with this whole damn demonic threat. I didn't notice anything strange about him."
"Same here. The very embodiment of virtue," John immediately chimed in, nodding with an important air.
"Excellent…" Right, as I was now beginning to understand, there were plenty of organizations like this all over the world, sponsored by the church. And, apparently, they only started receiving active funding when they showed some real results. It actually makes sense: most people in this world are complete morons, so you first need to figure out if a particular staff is worth keeping, or if maybe you should replace them entirely. Alright, let's hope this Francis guy turns out to be a normal, reasonable man, and not another one of Eve's cunning, devious servants. I know that schemer all too well.
It was decided to hold the meeting in John's office, to speak with the Pope one-on-one to avoid any misunderstandings. This would also help me better understand the true character of the local church's leader and, at the same time, vet him more thoroughly. My "Eye of Adam," which I basically never took off, wouldn't be much help in a large crowd, as it would be impossible to tell which specific person had sold their ass to Eve. But in a one-on-one meeting, it could easily expose such an idiot.
The office where we decided to meet was rather small and ascetic: a chair, a desk, a couple of stools, a cabinet stuffed with document folders, and a pot with some kind of decorative tree that looked like an elongated, brown stick made of many small, intertwined roots. I have no idea what the hell it was, but I didn't sense anything suspicious from it, though I had already instinctively begun to slowly fill the entire space around me with Light. So what? My reserves were almost infinite, and the regeneration of that very Light more than covered any loss. So I could afford at least this limited version of sensory perception.
"Good afternoon, you must be Adam?" A short man, about forty or fifty, entered the room—or rather, ran in. He was dressed in some kind of white, loose-fitting robe and a strange, pointed hat of the same color. The second primary color of his attire was gold. Just like back home, heh. The man's eyes were bright blue, and his hair was fair, though it was hard to tell due to the abundant gray. A joyful, almost childlike smile shone on his face, and he himself was extremely excited about our meeting.
"Yes, I am Adam. A pleasure to meet you," I stood up and shook hands with the happy old man, who was looking at me in much the same way my girls did… The exorcists, I mean. "And you are Francis, I presume?"
"Yes, yes, I am also very pleased to meet you! To be honest, I never thought I would be able to see a representative of Heaven itself here on Earth again so soon! It is a great honor for me!" The old man bowed and sat down on a chair, looking at me expectantly.
"Again?" What kind of news was this? Who from Heaven could the Pope have met with before? Sera? No, she's up to her ears in work in Heaven; why would she get involved in this? Besides, she would have definitely told me; she's a smart lady. Maybe he'd met with the cherubs?
"Um… yes. No more than six months ago, I had the honor of meeting the Archangel Raphael himself, who once again helped our church return to the Light and also revealed to us, in many ways, how things truly stand."
"Raphael?" That Seraphim doesn't just sit in his office doing fuck-all, but he also actively meddles in human affairs? No way, that's bullshit.
"Yes. After our church got rid of those heretics who worshipped the Darkness, we wandered in the dark for a long time, in a desperate search for the Light. If it weren't for the constant, invaluable help of the esteemed Archangel, I'm afraid we would never have achieved all that we have now," Francis "explained" in a slightly guilty voice. The only problem was, I didn't understand a goddamn thing from his story.
"Ahem. You do know, I hope, that I haven't interfered in Earth's affairs very often, right?" After getting an affirmative nod from him, I continued, "Could you explain all this to me more specifically? Pretend I know absolutely nothing. And please, tell me the entire history of your church."
"Well, I would be only too happy to tell you about it…"
And he, the son of a bitch, told me. And he told me a LOT of interesting things…
Oh, this crazy, fucked-up world… To start with, Raphael, the very Seraphim who was supposedly responsible for Earth and all of humanity, turns out, had NOT given up on said Earth. And every so often, he even came down personally to meet with various high-ranking church officials and was even present at many important ceremonies, like the election of a new Pope. According to Francis, this had been going on for over two thousand years. And so, at the very moment when Eve began her active pressure on all of human society, Raphael, though he didn't notice the direct influence of demons, did notice this negative trend and even came to warn the church about it. Which is why they didn't get as dumbed down as all the other organizations, like vegans, women's rights activists, and so on. But because the Seraphim himself never noticed Eve's direct influence, he couldn't counter it in any way. A reminder: the Seraphim only found out that demons were even coming to Earth from me, just a few months ago.
And Eve, who, as it turned out, wasn't such a stupid fool (what a "surprise," right?), also got involved in the affairs of the church itself. At that time, the head of the church was a certain Pope Sylvester II. And this very man, Eve, it seems, managed to seduce with the power and might of the dark side… I'm sure cookies were involved in that process too, but that's beside the point. Sylvester began to actively dabble in occultism, performing various dark rituals that granted him power, youth, and longevity. And for these very rituals, of course, human sacrifices were necessary. He also actively influenced the entire church, gradually destroying it from within and ruining its reputation along with all the achievements of past, more adequate Popes.
At that time, many of the faithful at the very top of the church hierarchy began to pray fervently, and this, according to Francis, was somehow heard by Raphael (I don't really believe it myself, but in this universe, as I've already seen, anything is possible). After which he intervened and "smote the straying servant of God who had stepped onto the path of Darkness"... In short, they dealt with the traitor within the church, after which they began to rapidly spread their faith, simultaneously restoring their former influence and even increasing it.
Francis, who became Pope twenty years ago, continued the work of his predecessor and chose as his main goal not just to attract as many people as possible to his faith, but specifically to attract wealthy and influential people, who were always in short supply among the faithful. It was Francis who began to create all these organizations that were supposed to secretly counter the demons. Who the hell knows why they didn't tell Raphael himself about this problem, but they didn't (otherwise he certainly wouldn't have remained idle and wouldn't have been surprised later that their vaunted barrier was useless).
And a few months ago, just when the Seraphim learned about the demonic "guests" on Earth, Raphael appeared to Francis again and gave him a whole bunch of "holy metal." He was, apparently, talking about the very same angelic steel. He also informed him that the problem with the demons should finally be resolved in the near future and apologized for not noticing it sooner.
From this long but very fascinating story, one could understand many really important things, but one very specific part stuck with me: the transfer of the angelic metal… That is, humans had only gotten it a couple of months ago, and they had ALREADY managed to make a bunch of firearms, a nuclear, fucking, bomb based on it, and continue to actively work on all of it! I'm not even talking about the clones and the portal to Hell, which also somehow use this metal! What the fuck?!
But other moments here were also very important: it turns out, Eve did try to influence the church itself. But why didn't she continue? Why isn't she interfering now, when she should have noticed that her "brilliant plan" is gradually falling apart? Could this be part of some larger, more cunning plan of hers? Or is it the influence of some limitations that simply don't allow her to crawl out of whatever hole she's hiding in now so often?
The conversation with Francis added a lot of new thoughts to my head, which I will have to sort through for a long time after all this. But the most important thing is that the church is already actively fighting the main problem of Earth and is completely loyal to the idea of Light. And that couldn't help but make me happy. I'll give Raphael a pastry for his good work when I get the chance…
"Well, Francis, I was glad to hear all this. But I would like human society to start changing now. I understand that it's difficult to solve this problem with soft power alone, but at the moment, only one in twenty people goes to Heaven, and that's only thanks to your titanic efforts. This is unacceptable. And I would not want my children to be doomed to eternal suffering."
"I perfectly understand your desire, and I have often thought about it myself. But what specific option can you offer? I must admit, I don't really understand how such a... global problem can be solved more quickly…" Well, Francis had shown himself in a really good light. Except, his overly open, almost servile deference to me was a bit much. It was a little unpleasant when some old man looks at you with his mouth agape, like a child being told an interesting fairy tale, but other than that, he was a perfectly good, reasonable person, which, in principle, was confirmed by my "Eye," which had been silently hanging around my neck all this time. Well, I had a plan. And this plan, I was sure, could really work…
A few hours later. The Vatican. St. Peter's Basilica.
"Dad, if this is another one of your stupid ideas…" a slightly annoyed Sif, with a fresh black lipstick mark on his neck, arrived as soon as I called him. Obviously, the guy had been busy with something much more interesting before, but we were deciding the fate of all humanity here, so he could have taken a break from his fiancée, at least for a couple of hours (and no, I'm not gloating out of jealousy, what gave you that idea?).
"Sif, meet Francis. This is the Holy Father. He's the head of the local church and, sort of, the official representative of Heaven on Earth," I nod towards the old man, whose face immediately took on a strange, pensive expression.
"Francis, this is my son, Sif. He… studies human society and has been living here on Earth for a long time."
"Excuse me, but isn't Sif the son of Jesus and Mary Magdalene?" the Pope voiced the reason for his pensiveness.
"Uh-uhm… It's a long story. I was a little drunk then and… Anyway, Sif will tell you everything later," I shift all responsibility onto the kid, who was so taken aback by my audacity that he even came to his senses and pointed at himself in surprise. "I would like you two to work together. Sif has direct access to Heaven, but he lives permanently in the human world, so through him, you will be able to send us messages more often than once every twenty or thirty years. Besides, he is very strong and will be able to counter demons without any particular problems if you find any."
"Dad!" my "problem teenager" protested, upon whom I had just piled a bunch of new, unforeseen responsibilities.
"Kid, I understand perfectly well that at your age, all you want to do is have fun with catgirls, but the future of all humanity depends on this, understand?" I make my voice as serious as possible, then look my son straight in the eye. He immediately looks away and falls silent. "Son, Francis will tell you everything that will be required of you. But I need your consent. Look at this world: most people are mired in sin. Hell awaits them all. Is that a worthy end for them? Sif, this is an extremely important, responsible task. And I can only rely on you for it."
One could say, of course, that I was simply manipulating my own son, but that wasn't entirely true. I chose Sif for this role specifically because he had long since grown accustomed to living with humans. In over a hundred years, he had seen enough good and bad here. And also, he, more than anyone else, should have noticed all these negative changes in their society. And yes, this would also allow him to get a grip and start gradually reconnecting with Heaven again…
"I…" It was clear that his desire for a free, carefree life was now clashing with his duty and his Light. But I already knew which would ultimately win. "Alright. I agree… But no more than once a month! And warn me at least a day in advance!" he said, now addressing Francis, who was watching our conversation with an almost fatherly smile.
"Good. Francis, explain everything to my son, and I will take my leave…"
"So be it, Holy Adam. Thank you for your assistance…"
I nod to him, put my hand on my son's shoulder, and, giving him an encouraging smile, disappear in a bright golden flash, teleporting straight to Heaven. I would have to keep one eye on their work, but I was sure that Sif would handle it perfectly on his own. Fortunately, I had already given him all the necessary instructions, in writing.
They would not act through fear, as before—promising sinners eternal torment in Hell—but through belittlement and ridicule. Now, demons are not some scary, powerful creatures, but just worthless, stupid losers. Satanists and all sorts of sorcerers, whom many now consider "cool, dark dudes," are now just idiots who have sold their asses, and their whole image is just a stupid joke. All of Hell is a gathering place for idiots and losers, and to end up there is to become one of them. To make a deal with a demon, to sell your soul to him—it's the same as selling your ass into anal slavery. Contracts with demons aren't cool, they're pathetic. And associating with such people was to become a sign of insecurity, weak character, and, of course, a small dick. There were another dozen pages with detailed explanations of exactly how to achieve this attitude towards all this crap.
Thanks to Francis and Raphael, Heaven now had a very strong influence on the human world. If it weren't for them, all this work would have been extremely difficult. But now… now it was literally a matter of a couple of decades, and after that, no normal, sane person would think it was cool to be a brainless, passive gay man who gets fucked twenty-four hours a day. Yes, appealing to humanism and some kind of moral values was too late. People had become too brutalized during this time. But changing the very image of the dark side, changing people's perception—that would be much easier. After all, along with their "brutalization," people had also become much dumber. And managing such people is much easier than even managing animals.
We parted with the agents and Nancy on good terms: the young detective went on to investigate the mysterious disappearance of someone, somewhere. I gave the girl a small Light-based laser, the kind all my girls were armed with. Just for self-defense. The agents, both John and Linda, would continue their work hunting demons, like other similar organizations. Only now, not for the purpose of studying them, but for the purpose of killing them. Until the new barrier was working, only they could protect people from demons, so I also supplied them with the same lasers, and even gave those two a couple of light grenades, which, according to them, turned out to be "even cooler than a katana."
I had already expropriated the angelic metal. Fortunately, the church had kept a very close eye on it, but just in case, I would task the Seraphim with this matter as well. Let them perform some ritual for its complete teleportation, or whatever it is they usually do. It was clear why Raphael had done it, and it hadn't led to anything bad yet, but while he was confident in people, confident that they wouldn't use steel filled with Death against Heaven, I was not so sure.
Over time, my propaganda for a healthy lifestyle and sports would begin to take effect, and then the brunette would finally be able to find a normal boyfriend without any problems. John wasn't suitable for this role because… he turned out to be her biological brother. I'll just pretend everything went according to plan.
What was pleasing was that, thanks to my intervention, people now had a real chance to get a better, brighter future in this generation. But what was alarming was that Eve wasn't reacting to any of this. What was it? The calm before the storm, or had she just given up on her plan? I'm afraid it's the former. But the latter, in this fucked-up world, was also quite possible…
"Can I have a cherry pie?" On my way to the Seraphim Council Hall, I stop, noticing a small pastry stall. Yes, after the food from the human world, the food in Heaven seemed simply divine. "Two."
"Oh, of course!" The smiling, plump woman immediately perked up when she saw me. Then she picked out the two biggest, most golden-brown pies and, wrapping them in paper bags, handed them to me. "Enjoy your meal!"
"Thank you," I smile back at her and take off again, then take one of the pies and take a happy bite out of it. "Yummy. I'll have to come back here again sometime."
Before returning to Heaven, I called Sera and asked her to convene a council urgently. This was necessary not only for the Seraphim to retrieve the remaining angelic metal from Earth but also to brief them on some other, no less important matters. From what I had seen, I had still underestimated the Seraphim a bit. Cherub Town was working properly, even though a traitor had been hiding there before. They were also working with Earth, and if it weren't for Eve, everything would have been fine there too. And the same with Heaven itself. It turns out that the Seraphim were coping quite well with everything that fell under their responsibilities and only faltered when the Darkness interfered, in the form of my dearest, former wife. Enlisting their support now would be the right thing to do, and it would be extremely helpful to us if anything happened.
By the way, Emily was supposed to be at this meeting too. I think I had given her enough time to think everything over. And that fruit, as I had assumed, she hadn't touched, only glanced at it a couple of times, but in the end, she made her choice in favor of trusting Sera, so it was time for this girl to find out what was really going on. I didn't want her to be so easily lured over to the enemy's side again—just by showing her "what had been hidden from her for so long."
"Yo, bandits!" I burst into the hall, kicking open the huge, carved door. I always wanted to do that, heh…