The Fortune Teller's shop was closed.
At least, it was if you believed the sign on the door.
And the two guards standing out front.
"Shop's closed for the day," one guard said.
"Why?"
"Lord Pinworthy requires the High Priestess' assistance in an important matter," the other guard said slowly. "And I'm sure you don't want to offend him by interrupting, do you?"
"Definitely not," I said.
"Great. Then shove off."
I gave them a bit of a glare before turning to Noodle. "Don't hurt your teeth."
Noodle let out a roar as he ballooned into a dark wave of tentacles and glittering eyes which devoured his prey in the blink of an eye.
A meaty crunch. A whoosh like flapping gills.
A satisfied burp.
"Happy?" I asked.
I will only be happy when I have finished consuming this world.
"Good," I said, stepping up to the door and opening it.
Inside, a smoky room led to another room sectioned off by a heavy velvet curtain. The smoke smelled of cedarwood and mugwort.
A hint of myrrh.
Not pleasant, really.
"This way," I said to Noodle, and flung back the curtain.
Lord Pinworthy was a chubby man with thick fingers covered in gold rings and wearing a black velvet suit trimmed with green silk. Very flashy.
His rotund face gawked at me in shock as I stomped into the little room.
The Fortune Teller, who the shop claimed was a High Priestess of Lylit, wore a black dress with a flimsy black veil over her face. White hair was pulled up into tight buns, but she looked younger than the white hair implied.
Quite curvy, too.
I could see why she was popular.
They sat around a small round table. In the middle was a scrying mirror. The thing was made of silver and mercury. Cryptic runes edged the silver rim.
The nobleman snatched a cane from under the table and hefted it angrily. The cane was a nice one. Tin and black with a firm silver knob. Runes glittered down the shaft of the cane.
Clearly he had a misguided impression that he himself was a gentleman.
"Who are you?" Lord Pinworthy roared. "What are you doing here? Guards!"
"Why are you asking me?" I asked. "Why don't you ask her?"
The Lord blinked.
Then looked to the High Priestess.
"I don't know him," she said. Her voice was soft and gentle. "I've never seen him in my life."
I let out a snort as Noodle leapt onto the table and started cleaning himself. "Not much of a Fortune Teller then, are you?"
The angry Lord jumped to his feet, waving his cane. "Get out! I paid for a private consultation!"
"Sit down," I hissed.
The joy of being a very tall person is short people often find themselves intimidated by tall people. Even if they're a Lord.
Before his brain could process his outrage, he sat.
I resisted the urge to pat him on the head.
Instead, I turned to the High Priestess.
"I would like my fortune told, please," I told her. "I am having a terrible day. I would like to know if it gets better."
"You will need to make an appointment," she said crisply. "Perhaps I can see you some time next week."
"That doesn't work for me," I told her. "It needs to be now."
"One cannot rush the Fates, young man. And they are inclined towards punishing those who press too hard."
Noodle leaned over the mirror, looking into it.
His purple eyes glowed brightly as he saw his reflection.
Mortal, I can see myself. But it is not me.
He touched a paw to the mirror's smooth surface.
"Could you please remove your animal?" The High Priestess asked softly. "That mirror is very expensive. I doubt you can afford a replacement if it breaks it."
Is this thing mocking me? It shows my face!
"He's not mine," I told them with a shrug. "I sold him."
The Lord sputtered. "It's with you!"
"I can't help that. He follows me around. I've told him to leave, but he won't."
Noodle batted at the mirror's surface.
It mimics my actions, Mortal! It is mocking me!
"If it's not yours, then you won't mind if I kill it?" The Lord sneered.
"Good luck with that," I told him. "Look, I just came here to get my fortune. Can we hurry this along, please? I have to get back home rather quickly."
"I need your animal to get off my mirror first," the High Priestess said calmly.
I will rend this blasphemous device, Noodle hissed at the mirror. How dare it mock me!
And with that, he used his paw to push the mirror off the table.
The High Priestess let out a shrill cry as she lunged to catch it before it could hit the floor. She might have made it, too.
Except the two tentacles which exploded from Noodle's jaws snapped out to wrap around her wrists and pull her into his gaping maw. His stuffed the screaming woman into his mouth, and gave his jaws an angry snap which cut off all sound.
Then he swallowed.
Slowly.
Like a python.
The mirror cracked like an egg as it hit the ground, spilling mercury like a molten metal yolk while the frame splintered and sparks crackled for a brief moment.
The pieces danced across the floor.
While Lord Pinworthy's eyes bulged and his mouth hung slack in horror.
"Guards," he rasped hoarsely, before shrieking; "Guards! Guards!"
"Oh, hush," I said, touching my temples. I was getting a headache. "Bad Noodle!"
What did I do?
"I wanted her to tell me my fortune!"
The void cat rolled its shoulders as it resumed its cute kittenish form. With a sniff, it started to clean its paws as though I wasn't there.
I sighed at his childishness.
I looked at the trembling man. "I don't suppose you know how to tell fortunes, do you?"
"What?" He choked on his words. He began to rise from his chair, the cane firm in his wobbly hand. "Do you have any idea what this stupid animal has done?"
"If you think knocking a mirror off a table is bad, you should see what it's done to my house. I can't even keep ornaments on a shelf."
"I'll kill it," the man howled, suddenly finding a spine somewhere. He lifted the cane high. His eyes were glazed with hatred. "And then I'll kill you!"
As a gentleman, I couldn't abide anyone who dared to hurt children, or animals.
It just wasn't a gentlemanly thing to do.
As the cane descended with a determined swish, I snatched it and held it about an inch over Noodle's head. The void cat flicked his tail but otherwise continued to pretend we didn't exist.
"Tch," I said, aiming that at the cat before turning my fuming glare onto the man. "That is not a nice thing to do."
"Not nice? He ate Emily!"
"Emily?"
"The High Priestess!"
"Oh," I said. "Her."
"Yes, her!" He tugged at the cane, trying to pull it from my grasp. "Give it back to me, peasant!"
"Will you try to hurt the cat again?"
"Hurt it? I'm going to skin the blasted thing. Then I will have it stuffed so I can hit it over and over whenever I damned well like!"
"That might be difficult," I said. "The taxidermist is dead."
"What?"
"I killed him," I said. "Maybe there's another one in the city you can use. Although, I doubt it."
The Lord's eyes thinned to slits.
He let go of the cane and took a step back.
"Who are you?"
"I'm a man who was going for a walk," I said, turning my scowl to the void cat. "Hoping to get my fortune read."
He slid a long dagger from his coat, proving he was no gentleman at all.
The dagger was slightly curved, and dangerous runes were etched into the steel.
"And you killed my guards."
"No," I said. "My cat did."
"You admit it's yours now."
"Well. I did sell him to a nice young gentleman in a chapel, but the owner is now deceased."
"You killed him, too?"
"No," I said. "My cat did."
The man's eyes flicked from me to the void cat which still ignored him.
"It's an enchanted beast."
"Is it?"
"I'm no fool," he said. "I know why you're here."
I looked at the dagger in his hands. Then the cane in mine.
The runes on his dagger would ensure anything cut with it would die of poison. The runes on his cane would keep his snuff fresh. The snuff being kept in the silver head which had a sneaky flip-top lid.
I pursed my lips.
"Infix Inna M'ff," I muttered.
He screamed as the portal sliced through the bones of his wrist, shearing his hand completely off.
It dropped with a wet thunk and a metallic clatter.
Blood pumped from the ruined appendage, and he kept screaming as he struggled to staunch the flow by constricting his forearm.
Quick thinking, I thought.
"Were you in the military?" I asked.
He ignored me, his screams turning into foaming hisses as he felt to his knees.
Mortal, you are toying with my lunch.
I ignored the void cat, which I thought was fair.
Instead, I bent down and jerked open the nobleman's coat.
And rummaged.
I didn't like rummaging through another man's coat. Especially while he was alive and writhing in pain. It felt a little bit mooky.
I pulled out another dagger, and a fancy looking money purse. Also a little black book.
Dropping them at his feet, I lifted his chin so I could stare into his eyes.
"Where is it?"
"I'll kill you first!"
"Hmm."
I sliced off his other hand.
And, when he recovered from screaming, he curled into a snivelling ball as I pulled his head back and smiled into his face.
"Where is it?"
"You'll never get it," he hissed, spittle flying from his mouth. "
Then, before I could stop him, he worked his jaw while trying to sneer at me.
There was a crunch.
A bitter stench which made me step away.
Choking on poison, he died with a look of malicious glee on his face.
I stared down at the corpse, feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction.
And I wasn't the only one.
Mortal, what did you do to my lunch?