I paused outside the little chapel.
Pushed my finger against my lips in thought as Noodle squatted down next to my foot. Tucking his tail around his paws, he flicked an ear.
Mortal, the architecture of this place is nice and pointy. Why do you not build such a place for me?
"If you want a church, you can build it yourself."
I could if I wanted to. He looked away from the building as though it was suddenly insignificant. But I am a god, not a builder.
"Then it sounds like you'll be going without a church of your own."
The void cat huffed as I stepped forward, pushing through the doors of the church and into the dim light. A few large stained glass windows caused the light to ripple with red and green hues as shafts of sunlight speared through the dusty air.
Mostly empty pews sat in orderly rows in front of a shrine of one of Waggenrook's many goddesses. This one was Delva, the goddess of dreams.
I'd never met her, but I wasn't sure she had breasts as perfect as the statue mounted on the wall. And if she did, I imagine she must also use some of the anti-gravity enchantments which were popular with young women these days.
Very powerful enchantments.
At the front, a young couple sat with their heads low, talking to a priest whose robes were white edged with blue.
The priest looked up, surprised to see me enter.
Noodle trotted past me, heading directly to the pulpit which he promptly leapt on top of to get a better look at the statue.
"Can I help you?" The priest called. "I'm afraid our sermons are only on Freasday, Stonesday and Gloomday."
"That's fine," I said, pointing to Noodle. "My cat just wanted to see the statue."
The three of them stared at Noodle, who spun a full circle on top of the pulpit before giving out a cute little mew which disguised the terrible evil being within the small form.
Even I was fooled.
"Aww," the woman giggled. "He's so cute!"
The man beside her half-rose from his seat. "Is he an enchanted beast?"
"No. He's just a pain," I grumbled.
"Can I buy him?"
"You can try," I said, stepping close to the pulpit and looking around. "But he does what he wants."
The chapel seemed like any chapel I'd ever seen.
Relatively dark wood.
Serene atmosphere caused by clever acoustics.
Candles glowing cheerfully to give that warm comfortable glow which lowered your mental defences so you'd believe any old nonsense.
I wondered what this priest liked to talk about.
Helping the poor by burning witches?
Loving their neighbour by hanging people with green eyes?
Calling for world peace while demanding nonbelievers be put to the sword?
I doubted it was anything more exotic than that.
"Here, kitty kitty," the woman called, holding out her hand. "Does kitty want scritches?"
"I wouldn't if I were you," I warned her. "He's might decide to take your arm."
"Oh, he wouldn't!" She giggled again as Noodle dropped off the pulpit and approached her with more than a little bit of swagger. He shot me an amused look before rolling onto his back and purring as she started rubbing his fur.
She is intelligent, mortal. She knows how to treat her god.
I rolled my eyes at him. As I did, I saw the cobwebbed ceiling.
No wonder there was so much dust. Does no one bother to dust their ceilings anymore? The only thing looking spick and span was the golden bell at the top of the tower.
Heavy runes were carved into its rim.
"We're getting married," the man said suddenly.
I wasn't very interested. "Oh."
"I'll be holding the ceremony," the priest said.
"That's nice," I said. Then sighed at Noodle. "Are you done yet?"
I want more scritches. Tell her to worship me, mortal. Tell her to carve open the chest of her lover and give me his heart. I might be willing to let her scritch me forever if she does.
The man dug into his pocket and pulled out a small pouch. "How much do you want for him?"
"25 gold is fine," I said.
The man pursed his lips. "I can do 20?"
"Gerald," the woman chided him. "This cutie is worth 25."
I am worth more gold than there is in this little universe, Noodle said as he rolled away from her with a flick of his tail.
Gerald winced. "I don't know, Kalli. I don't have-"
"Please, Gerald? I'll pay you back. I swear!"
"Alright," he sighed awkwardly, upending the pouch and counting out 25 gold coins. As he counted, he grumbled softly about the sly wiles of women.
"Thank you, Gerry. I love you heaps!" The woman put a slender hand on his shoulder and smiled at him.
Her diamond engagement ring was a nice piece.
Little runes circled the band and the diamond looked like it had a few more carats than Gerald could afford. No wonder he had no money.
"Here you go."
I let him pour the coins into my hand and tucked them into my coat. "You're welcome."
"Is he mine, now?" Kalli asked, her eyes glowing with bright joy.
"Sure," I shrugged. "Good luck."
"Have you come to receive the Blessing of Melba?" The priest asked.
"You should if you haven't," Kalli said, smiling brightly at me. She had a pretty smile. "We've been blessed, and it makes you feel so fuzzy inside!"
"Not really," I shrugged. "Like I said. I followed him. He likes to go for walks."
"I'll take him out every day," Kalli promised, rubbing the purring cat. "You'll love walking with mommy, won't you, baby? Every single day!"
"He likes mammals," I said. "To eat, I mean."
And tuna.
"And tuna," I added.
And lemon cheesecake.
"And jam donuts."
I do not! How dare you accuse me of such vile tastes!
"Jam donuts?" She looked at me with surprise. "Really?"
"Oh, yes. He adores them," I said, scratching my head. "I don't know why."
"What a strange cat."
"He's enchanted," Gerald reminded her.
"Oh, yes. That must be it."
I looked up at the bell, frowning. "Do you ever ring it?"
The priest followed my gaze. "What?"
"The bell."
"Oh, yes. Every day before prayers, and three times before sermons."
"Hmm," I said. There was a ladder to climb up to it. And a chain to tug on to make it ring. "I dislike bells. They're quite irritating in the morning when I'm trying to sleep."
"Melba is a goddess of night," the priest said. "We only ring it in the evenings."
"Oh. Well, that's alright then." I peered up through the dust. "Infix Inna M'ffz."
The portal sheared through the beam holding the bell.
I winced at the thing plummeted and hit the stone floor with a loud gong that made my ears hurt.
As it hit, it cracked up the middle. A few sparks coughed loose.
"Hey!" The old priest shot to his feet, eyes wide in shock. "What are you doing?"
I glanced at the cat. "Well? Yours or mine?"
Everything is mine!
Tentacles exploded from his back, snapping around the priest. And, before he had time to pray to whatever god he prayed to, the cat practically inhaled the man.
"Infix Inna M'ff," I said with a sharp slash of my hand to cut through the woman's finger. A tentacle whipped out and crushed the offending digit with a spray of blood and splintered metal.
The diamond popped loose and bounced across the floor.
Kalli shrieked, staring at the blood spurting from her hand.
Gerald lunged at me.
I raised my eyebrow at him.
Tentacles wrapped around his waist and with a jerk, he was sucked into Noodle's writhing mass of tentacles and mouths. Hundreds of eyes opened down every tentacle.
Kalli kept screaming.
Peals of screams.
Like the bells of a church on a Gloomsday morning.
They cut off with a wet crunch as Noodle took her, too.
I waited until he'd finished and shook my head at him.
Mortal, I hunger.
"Still?" I clicked my tongue as we left the chapel. "Gluttony is a sin, you know."
Who said that?"
I waved a hand at Delva's chapel behind us. "The gods do."
Which god?
"All of them."
Eating is necessary for survival, Noodle said. How is it a sin?
"Don't ask me," I said. "I don't make the rules."
Where can I find these gods? I wish to discuss philosophy with them.
I stopped.
Thought about it.
I mean, I really thought about it. Other than the Old Twit, I had never met a god. Did Noodle count as a god? He thought he was a god, but all cats think they're gods.
No, Noodle didn't count.
"That's a good question," I said at last.
We should find them, Noodle said, trotting along behind me as we turned into an alley.
"One day."
Yes. We will find them. I will make them scratch my ears, he chuckled in my head. An evil chuckle which would send a chill down your spine if you heard it yourself. And then I will devour them!