INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM
The bell rings as Will is teaching Ken a dance routine.
Will instructs, "Kick that way and back. You kick out…"
Ken interrupts, "Hold on. Hold on. Okay, one more."
"Okay," Will says, demonstrating again. "Kick out. Right behind you. It's all right."
Ken glances around. "Where is everybody?"
The phone rings and Will answers. "Sandy went to get Henri from wood shop. And, oh, there's Howard. Hello?"
Howard's voice comes through the receiver. "I don't think I can be in the band anymore."
Will is caught off guard. "What?!"
Howard explains, "I'm doing inventory. It was never my dream."
Ken reacts, "What?"
"Howard's out," Will tells him.
Ken groans. "That's just great. What's he— Hey. Emma, you didn't see me dancing earlier, did you?"
Emma smirks. "Oh, is that what that was? Look, I have some bad news."
Ken braces himself. "You're breaking up with me. What, here? In front of another dude?"
"No, please stop talking," Emma replies. "I think the Acafellas pressure has proven to be too much for Henri. He just downed six bottles of cough syrup, which is a lot even for him. He's okay—Sandy's with him at the ER—but Figgins insists he goes to rehab before coming back. He leaves tomorrow morning."
Ken throws his hands up. "That's just great. So Acafellas is officially doomed now. You know, when I get stressed, I work out. You can probably tell. I'm gonna down some power bars, knock off a few reps, and come up with some solutions here."
Will sighs. "It was fun while it lasted."
Emma shakes her head. "Don't give up so easy, Will. They said Van Halen was dead after David Lee Roth quit, but my worn-out single of 'Right Now' says they were wrong."
INT. CUT TO: WILL'S SPANISH ROOM
There's a knock on the door.
Finn steps in. "You got a sec, Mr. Schue?"
Will nods. "Yeah, of course. What's up?"
Finn hesitates. "I just want to tell you that I'm quitting glee, too."
Will looks confused. "I didn't quit glee."
Finn shrugs. "Well, you might as well have. It's nutty in there. I try to talk sense into Rachel, but she's gone all chick-batty. And being the quarterback's hard when I get in the huddle and all the guys are calling me 'Deep Throat.' Glee's bringing down my rep."
Will leans forward. "Have the guts to stick with it a little longer. You're a gifted performer, Finn. You can't quit now. If you do, you'll regret it for the rest of your life. Trust me. I know."
Finn frowns. "It's just not fun anymore."
Will calls after him as he turns to go. "Hey, Finn, wait. There's something I want to talk to you about."
INT. CUT TO: BOYS' LOCKER ROOM
Puck strolls in. "Hey, coach."
Ken eyes him suspiciously. "What do you want, Puckerman?"
"I hear there's a vacancy in your a cappella group," Puck says with a smirk. "I want in. I play guitar, and I'm a really good singer. Lots of moms at your gigs, right?"
Puck's voiceover kicks in: "Here's the thing—you should know I'm not like everyone else in this cow town. I've got star potential, and I'm tired of wasting time with high school girls."
—
INT. CUT TO: HALLWAY
Puck walks with Santana. "You're breaking up with me? Why?"
"Your credit score is terrible," Santana replies coolly. "What I need as a woman is financial security."
Puck's voiceover: "Young girls will shoot you down, but a cougar never disappoints."
—
INT. CUT TO: BACKYARD
"Thanks, Mrs. H," Puck says, dripping from cleaning her pool.
She eyes him. "Is that a nipple ring?"
"Yeah," he grins. "I'm kinda rock and roll."
Mrs. H smiles slyly. "I need help unclogging my bathtub drain."
Puck's voiceover: "Once I embraced my gift for music, my pool-cleaning business—and my love life—went through the roof."
—
Back in the locker room, Puck finishes, "When do we start rehearsals?"
Ken glares. "Now listen, you little psychopath. My love life is hanging by a thread, and that thread is Acafellas. If you screw this up, I'll stick my fist so far down your throat you'll taste my armpit hairs. Clear? Good. Rehearsals are Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8. Don't be late."
—
INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM
Will is showing Puck and Finn a move on guitar. "Do that. Okay, come on."
Finn bumps into Puck, who shoves him back. "Dude, my bowels have better moves than you," Puck scoffs.
"Guys, stop," Will says. "You've got the steps—just relax. You play baseball, right? It's all about the hips. Swing that bat. Imagine Madison Square Garden, ladies screaming. Bam! Home run. Let's try it from the top."
He counts them in. "Five, six, seven, eight… yeah, get those hips into it!"
Finn laughs. "That baseball thing was good, Mr. Schue."
"Totally," Puck agrees. "That was awesome."
INT. CUT TO: MERCEDES'S LOCKER
The bell rings as Elena is leaning against the lockers with Rachel and Tina nearby as Mercedes digs through her things.
Rachel says seriously, "We need to have a gay-vention. That's a gay intervention." Elena smirks and adds, "And as a gay woman, I can tell you right now Kurt isn't into the ladies."
Tina nods. "It's K-K-Kurt. He's lady fabulous."
Rachel continues, "It's obvious you like him. We just don't want you to get hurt by feelings he can't reciprocate."
Mercedes rolls her eyes. "Look, just because he wears nice clothes doesn't mean he's on the down-low."
Rachel points out, "He wore a corset to second period today."
"You can do better, Mercedes," Tina adds.
Mercedes sighs. "Really? Well, what if I can't? There's not a lot of guys knocking down my door for a date—or yours, for that matter. Nobody notices us. Hello? We're in glee club. And I'm tired of being lonely. Aren't you? But Kurt… he's sweet to me, and he likes who I am, and I like how I feel when I'm with him. He's in our group; he understands what I'm going through. Maybe that's not enough for you guys, but it's enough for me."
Elena tilts her head. "Fair enough. But if he breaks your heart, I'm legally obligated to do something about it."
—
INT. CUT TO: CAR WASH – SCHOOL PARKING LOT
Emma beams at Sue. "You know what, Sue? I misjudged you. Getting the Cheerios to help with the glee club choreographer fundraiser is one of the nicest things I've ever seen."
Sue smirks. "Well, Erma, I'm willing to do whatever it takes to make this glee club successful."
A man yells for service, and Emma claps excitedly. "I love a car wash. When I was little, if I got all A's, my dad would let me wash his car. I'd use a toothbrush and clean it all weekend long."
"You know, the way you use your mental illness to help these kids is really inspiring," Sue says. "I'm shocked you're not married."
A low rumble announces Elena pulling up in her gleaming 1967 Black Chevrolet Impala. She leans out the window with a grin. "Figured I'd make a contribution to the cause."
The Cheerios and Glee members are scrubbing cars in the blazing sun. Sue strolls in, sunglasses on, looking far too pristine for the occasion.
Elena deadpan, watching Sue approach, "Wow, Sue, actual charity? Who kidnapped you?"
Sue smirking, tilting her head, "Careful, Williams, I might actually like you. Now grab a sponge before I remember I don't."
Elena shakes her head with a faint smirk, grabs the sponge, and heads toward the next car, muttering something under her breath that earns a half-amused, half-exasperated look from Sue.
—
INT. CUT TO: KURT'S CAR
Mercedes sighs. "Your rims are clean. We've polished them like three times already."
Kurt asks, "Did you bring a change of clothes? Because we're going straight to sing-along Sound of Music."
Mercedes takes a breath. "So, listen… this is like the third time we've gone out. Can we just make it official?"
Kurt frowns slightly. "Make what official?"
"That we're dating," Mercedes says.
"I'm sorry, Mercedes," Kurt admits, "but I thought I made it clear. I'm in love with someone else." He glances toward Finn, and as Mercedes turns, Rachel steps in the way.
"Rachel?" Mercedes asks incredulously.
"Yes," Kurt says firmly. "For several years now."
Mercedes launches into "Bust Your Windows" by Jazmine Sullivan. Kurt shouts, "You busted my window! How could you do that?"
Mercedes tosses back, "Well, you busted my heart. Hm!"
INT. CUT TO: CHOIR ROOM
Dakota stands before the group, tossing out a stack of personalized menus. "Okay, examine your menus. This is what you'll be eating for the next six months."
Mercedes frowns. "Um… mine just says coffee."
Dakota nods. "Mm-hmm."
Rachel peers at hers. "What's smelt?"
Elena makes a face of disgust at the thought
"It's a pungent, low-carb freshwater fish," Dakota explains before clapping his hands. "Let's get to business. Artie, you're cut. You're not trying hard enough."
"At what?" Artie asks, baffled.
"Walking," Dakota answers flatly. "We can't be wheeling you around during every number. It throws off the dynamic and it's depressing."
Mercedes glares. "So you're kicking him out?"
Dakota simply hums an affirmative. "Also you—yeah, Effie, you're out."
Kurt protests, "You can't kick people out just because you don't like how they look."
Dakota smirks. "Why don't you shut your face and stay away from aerosol cans before you burst into flames? Now—you four," he gestures to Santana, Quinn, Brittany, and Elena, "you're perfect. Don't change a thing."
Elena raises a brow. "Wow, thanks for the honor, sunshine."
Dakota's attention shifts to Rachel. "And you—nose job."
Finn steps forward. "Hold on a second."
Dakota sneers. "What was that, Frankenteen? Wipe that dopey look off your face and get lotion for those knuckles you've been dragging on the ground."
"What's wrong with you?" Finn snaps.
"What's wrong with me?" Dakota mocks. "You're freakishly tall. Am I hurting your feelings? Maybe you need someone who'll lie to you, tell you you've got what it takes. But I don't see it. So ask yourself—do you want to be a winner or not?"
Finn throws up his hands. "Screw this. I quit."
Elena steps forward, eyes cold. "Suka, prodolzhay govorit', i oni nikogda ne naydut tvoye telo."(bitch, keep talking and they will never find your body.)
Everyone freezes, startled by her sudden switch to Russian.
Tina stammers, "M-me too. Let's go, Artie."
Dakota waves them off. "Great. Separate the wheat from the chaff."
Rachel straightens. "Barbra Streisand was told to get a nose job. She refused. We're going to win because we're different—that's what makes us special."
Mercedes adds, "They told J. Lo her booty was too big."
Artie chimes in, "Curtis Mayfield was more successful after he became paralyzed."
"Jim Abbott," Finn says proudly.
Kurt blinks. "Who?"
"One-armed pitcher for the Yankees," Finn explains. "Pitched a no-hitter."
Dakota shrugs. "So misfits can make it too. Great. What's your point?"
Rachel fires back, "Our point is—you're fired. And I'm taller than you."
"Barely," Dakota mutters, prompting Elena to start walking off while mumbling under her breath about stealing his car, only for Quinn, Santana, and Brittany to quickly shake their heads and hold her back.