CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY

[Quinn and a group of other Cheerios are sitting at a long table on one side of the room. Elena sits next to Brittany, who's holding her hand. Santana has her hand resting on Elena's thigh. Rachel is sitting alone opposite them. Quinn strikes a gavel against a sound board three times.]
Quinn says, "The Celibacy Club is now in session. Thanks to a school rule that says we have to let anyone join the club, we're welcoming a new member this week—Rachel What's-her-name."
Rachel looks around. "Where are all the boys?"
Quinn replies, "Down the hall. First half hour we separate, then we come together to share our faith."
CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY
[A group of football players and other boys are spread around the room. Finn is sitting on a desk, tossing a football into the air.]
Finn (voice-over): "I'm still on the fence about the Celibacy Club. I mean, I only joined to get into Quinn Fabray's pants. Still, it is a productive way for us guys to get together and talk about sexual issues."
Jacob groans. "I think I'm gonna kill myself. I'm serious. We're bombarded with sexual imagery every day—Beer ads, those short skirts. I'm supposed to be surrounded by temptation—not be able to do anything about it?"
Puck smirks. "Are you kidding? Those skirts are crunchy toast. Santana Lopez bent over in hers the other day, and I swear I could see her ovaries."
CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.
[Santana twirls around at the center of the room, her Cheerios skirt flaring up to show her spanks. Elena just grins, comfortable in her uniform.]

Elena starts twirling with Santana, the two of them syncing their spins like practiced performers. As they twirl faster, Elena stumbles slightly from dizziness and ends up falling right into Quinn's arms, laughing breathlessly. Still grinning, Elena gazes up at Quinn and giggles, "There's two of you."
Quinn steadies her with a soft smile and a raised brow. "You okay?"
Elena gives a loopy smile. "I'm peachy."
Santana raises an eyebrow, then pats the floor beside her. "Sit. Now."
Elena obeys, plopping down beside Santana. Brittany leans in a little closer while Quinn returns to her spot, all three of them exchanging concerned looks.
The Unholy Trinity nod to each other, silently agreeing to revisit this later. Elena's energy is a bit too bubbly, her balance slightly off, and her smile too bright—not her usual composed self.
Quinn waves a hand. "God bless the perv that invented these. Remember the power motto, girls."
All the Cheerios chime in unison. "It's all about the teasing, and not about the pleasing. Oh!"
The Cheerios begin to dance in place.
One of them shouts, "Back it up like a dump truck, baby!"

Rachel looks unimpressed and rolls her eyes.
CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM 2 – DAY, CONT.
A jock leans toward Finn. "So, how far does Quinn let you get anyway? Also, that Elena chick—small, kinda scary, but so hot."
The rest of the jocks nearby nod in agreement, murmuring their approval with smirks and exchanged glances.
Finn shrugs. "We grind, make out."
Jacob, clearly distraught, blurts, "But how do you keep from arriving early? Whenever I grind—Cinco de Mayo."
Finn chuckles. "It's not a problem for me, man."

Finn and Puck high five.
Finn (voice-over): "Actually, it's a big problem. Somebody once told me that to keep from erupting too early, you should think of dead kittens and stuff. But the only image that works for me happened the day my mom took me out to practice for my driver's permit."
CUT TO: INT./EXT. CAR – DAY
[Finn is driving with his mother, Carole, in the passenger seat.]
Carole says, "Pretty good, honey. Who says a father figure's necessary, huh?"
Finn grins. "Driving's fun."
Suddenly, the car slams into a mailman. His body rolls onto the hood of the car and into the windshield.
Carole screams, "Oh, my God! Oh, my! Oh, my! Oh, my God, you killed him. What are you gonna do?"
CUT TO: INT. CLASSROOM 1 – DAY, CONT.
[All Celibacy Club members have moved into the same room. They are paired off, one boy and one girl, with a balloon for each pair. Elena is paired with Mike Chang and smirks at the awkward exercise.]
Quinn claps her hands. "Let's pair up for the 'Immaculate Affection.' Now, remember. If the balloon pops, the noise makes the angels cry."
Mike gives a small smile and extends his hand. "Mike Chang."
Elena takes it with a smirk. "Elena Williams. Let's not make any angels cry."
Quinn steps over to Finn, smiling and placing the balloon between their pelvises. Rachel glances at Finn and reluctantly moves closer to Jacob, who scoots over excitedly and places his arms on her shoulders.
Jacob beams. "You enchant me."
Puck starts grinding into the balloon between him and Santana, who winces and tries to pull away.
Santana shouts, "Stop it!"

Puck groans. "Take it. Ah, yeah!"
Suddenly, a ripple of air shoots across the room. Puck is knocked backward off his feet, as if shoved by an invisible force. He lands with a thud. Elena doesn't even blink, but Santana's eyes narrow. She felt it—something shifted in the air, something not normal. Her gaze flicks toward Elena, suspicious but silent.
The balloon between Finn and Quinn pops.
Quinn gasps. "Finn!"
Elena flinches at the sound of the balloon pop, her whole body tensing instinctively. Her eyes scan the room, shoulders stiff, as if expecting something worse. She quickly composes herself, but not before Santana, ever watchful, notices the brief flash of alarm in her expression.
Finn winces. "It must have hit my zipper."
Rachel jerks away from Jacob and steps to the front of the room.
Rachel says, "You know what? This is a joke. Did you know that most studies have demonstrated that celibacy doesn't work in high schools? Our hormones are driving us too crazy to abstain. The second we start telling ourselves that there's no room for compromise, we act out. The only way to deal with teen sexuality is to be prepared. That's what contraception is for."
Quinn snaps, "Don't you dare mention the 'C' word."
Rachel folds her arms. "You want to know a dirty little secret that none of them want you to know? Girls want sex just as much as guys do."
Jacob leans forward, awe-struck. "I—Is that accurate?"
CUT TO: INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT
[Will, dressed in his janitor uniform, is scraping gum from the bottom of a desk. Emma enters, surprised to see him.]
Emma says, "Will?"
Will startles, bumping his head on the desk. "Aaah! Emma—what are you doing here so late?"
Emma walks in slowly. "I do S.A.T. prep on Tuesday nights. Are you, um—are you a janitor?"
Will quickly replies, "A jan—no."

Emma eyes him skeptically. "Really? 'Cause you're dressed like a janitor, and your shirt says 'Will.'"
Will sighs. "Terri and I are trying to buy a house and we're, you know, struggling to make ends meet, and—" he pauses, clearly embarrassed. "I'm really embarrassed. Would you mind keeping this between us?"
Emma nods sincerely. "Yeah. Oh, yeah, your secret's completely safe with me."
Will smiles. "Thank you."
Emma looks around the room. "Do you, um—do you want a hand?"
Will shakes his head. "Oh—no. I—I'm good, really."
Emma walks over and peers at the floor. "Really? Because I can see from here that you've used window cleaner to mop the floor. And, uh, that keyboard is crawling in E. coli because I know for a fact Ms. Hoffmeyer doesn't wash her hands after doing number twos."
FLASHFORWARD TO: INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM – NIGHT, CONT.
[Emma is scrubbing the pencil sharpener while Will dusts a hanging solar system.]
Emma says, "I really admire you working so hard for something you want."
Will smiles. "Let's make a deal. You're helping me with my problem. How about I take a stab at one of yours?"
Emma stammers, "Oh, no, I don't—I don't have a problem."
Will raises an eyebrow. "You've been scrubbing that pencil sharpener for an hour."
Emma defends herself. "Well, I mean, I have—I have a little trouble with messes, but it's not like it's a problem."
Will sits on a desk, watching her. "Okay."
Emma gives in. "When I was a little girl, it was my dream to work on a dairy farm."
Will blinks. "Really?"
Emma nods. "Yeah. And when I was eight, we finally visited one and after the tour and the yoghurt tasting, my—my brother pushed me into the runoff lagoon."
Will reacts with a wince. "What?"
Emma looks away. "And, um, ever since then, I've just—I've had a little trouble forgetting the, uh—the smell."
Will leans forward. "Have you thought about—I don't know—maybe seeing someone about that?"
Emma replies quickly, "Oh, no. It's completely manageable. You know, I just—I take lots of showers and I, um—you know, I don't eat dairy. So it's—"
Will smiles gently. "I want to try a little experiment."
[Will walks to the chalkboard, collecting some chalk dust from the ledge with the tip of his finger.]
Emma takes a cautious step back. "Oh, no. No, I'm not really, um, comfortable with—with that."
[Will gently touches his finger to Emma's nose, leaving a smudge of chalk dust. They lock eyes. After a moment, he wipes it off with the back of his forearm.]

Will says softly, "There. Ten seconds."
Emma breathes out. "New record. It's late. I should, um—I should be, um, going."
[Emma walks past him toward the door. Outside the room, Ken watches the exchange through the window, unseen by either of them.]
CUT TO: INT. GYMNASIUM – DAY
[Rachel stands before the glee club, who are gathered in the stands. She taps her gavel to a sound board.]
Rachel says, "I officially call this meeting of Glee Club in session."
Artie looks around. "But Mr. Schuester isn't here."
Rachel smirks. "Mr. Schuester isn't coming. I paid a freshman to ask him for help with irregular verbs."
Elena raises an eyebrow. "What exactly goes through your head when you make these plans? And why do you automatically assume you're the boss? Seriously, was there a vote I missed?"
Tina snorts softly beside her, amused. "She's got a point."
Artie grins. "At least let us vote before we start risking our lives."
Kurt flips his hair and smirks. "If we're going down, I want to veto power your power Berry."
Mercedes groans. "Ugh! I'm so sick of hearing you squawk, Eva Perón."
Finn nods toward Rachel. "Let her talk."
Rachel continues, "I have another idea for the assembly."

Artie raises a hand. "Can I, once again, stress my most strenuous objections to this attempted suicide?"
Rachel says confidently, "They're not gonna kill us. Because we're gonna give them what they want."
Kurt asks dryly, "Blood?"
Rachel smirks. "Better. Sex."
Elena deadpans, "We are so screwed."
The others murmur in agreement, nodding reluctantly.
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