Min-ho
The bitter taste in my mouth won't go away.
I fooled myself into thinking I was wrong, telling myself it was just a hallucination, but instead...
Hearing Seo Joon hesitantly confess to me that he'd seen Jade again, I admit, hurt.
Because I know what it means. I've lived it, I've felt it.
Jade is like a fine dust that gets under your skin and lodges in your soul.
I didn't confess to my friend how I recognized her.
It wasn't her hug or her hair that froze me when I watched the video.
No.
It was Seo Joon's smile.
He was looking at someone he loved.
Someone who makes people, like him, never smile.
I just had to stop the video and watch the scene.
And then I realized who the girl was.
She's barely visible, partially obscured by the models, but if you know what you're looking at, then everything is easier.
And the confirmation was even more brutal.
I don't want to admit, not even to myself, that peeking at her social media profiles has become a habit I try to stop, but can't.
When my loneliness reaches deep levels, like a thief, I go check if she's posted anything, I look at old photos, I scroll through her likes.
I've saved them all in a partition on the cloud, so only I can access them.
The pain of her loss shows no sign of abating; at times, it comes back overpowering.
Like now.
That hug.
He was mine, and I lost him.
And I had to resign myself.
But thinking about Jade and Seo Joon makes me sick.
I know he wouldn't plot behind my back, but what if he were in love with her?
How can he resist her, when she's looking at him with those clear eyes, that intriguing smile, and that tone so intimate it makes you feel important?
I shake my head and jump up.
What the hell am I thinking?
Jade isn't mine anymore, she's out of my life.
I have to accept this.
During the Australian tour, the rest of the group and I became friends with the female idol group Flowers, and we often get together to talk about work and just hang out.
Ji-Ri, the visual artist, is shy, beautiful, and very talented. We've grown closer naturally, and it seems the managers don't mind, and they're even considering creating some buzz to increase their visibility ahead of their comeback next month.
It seemed almost natural to hide in this story, as if chasing away a ghost.
But what if that ghost comes back forcefully to claim its place in your head, your heart, and your life?
Jade wouldn't do it, I know; she cares too much about my success and wouldn't ruin my career, but I'm ruining my liver thinking about her and my friend.
Damn!
A chat sound makes me retrieve my phone from the couch cushions.
A video from Seo Joon.
Two.
Three.
The sounds follow one another, and I don't know if the constant pounding comes from the phone or my racing heart.
I open the first one with shaking hands.
Jade.
She's sitting on the floor, scribbling something in a notebook.
She raises her head, grimaces, and threatens him.
"Put that phone down, Prince. I won't give you the rights to take me back."
Prince.
She's already given him a nickname.
This is incredibly painful.
"I want to make sure you don't back out of your promise to help me."
She laughs and shakes her head.
"I'll present you with a very high fee, and you'll have to give me a copy of every design you make... What do you say, are you still interested?"
Jade holds up her notebook and shows a project timeline.
Bags.
Shoes.
What are they up to?
Seo Joon laughs, and the phone shakes a little.
The video pauses, and I start the second one.
I first see feet putting on very high-heeled boots.
And inside are my friend's feet.
"Stand up straight, for God's sake! Straight, I said!"
The shot zooms in, and I see Jade dragging him back, placing a book on his head.
"If you try to drop him again, I swear, I'm leaving this time!"
He looks serious and begins to walk forward, trying to stand upright.
After a few moments, Jade claps her hands and approaches him, patting him on the back.
"Good job, my little brother. Tomorrow you'll knock them all out!"
He chuckles, but I can see he's proud of her compliments.
Jade takes the book back and then hugs him.
My stomach tightens.
He hugs her back, and that intimate movement takes my breath away.
"It's nice to have you here, Jade," he says softly.
"I'm happy to have you back, too."
She lets go, but they don't separate.
"Promise me you won't disappear too."
Jade's voice is a painful whisper.
He shakes his head and pushes a strand of hair out of his eyes.
"I'll always be there for you, you know that."
Smiles that hurt me, and the video cuts out.
I don't want to look at the other.
What awaits me? The two of them kissing? Declaring their eternal love?
But apparently curiosity, morbidity, and self-harm are part of me.
I replay the last video angrily.
It's very dark, I think I hear sighs, and I want to stop it.
What exactly am I watching?
"Do you ever think about him?"
I pause the video, my heart pounding.
Who are they talking about?
My head feels like it's going to explode, but I force myself to watch it all the way to the end.
I can't hear anything.
Just a rustling sound.
Then a light comes on, showing Jade lying on the carpet, her hands behind her head.
She seems lost in thought, and I don't know if she heard the question.
After a few moments, she turns her head toward her phone, but she doesn't seem to see it.
"I always think about him," she says sadly. "But I've stopped hurting myself."
She stares back into space.
"Sometimes I've wished I were a butterfly, a dragonfly, a fly, so I could circle around him, see his face, see if he's okay, fill my eyes with him. And I'd pull out the photos we took together. But then I realized I couldn't go on like that, and I put everything away. Min was love, but also a lot of pain. I'm happy I experienced it. But it's also a firm 'enough.' I can't go on like this, do you understand?"
Seo Joon sighs.
"Yes. And I'm sorry about that."
"Don't do it. What we had shouldn't be pitied or regretted. It was a fitting conclusion. Now I have to move forward and create my own future… I can't say I'm happy, but I didn't expect anything different either. What I had was beyond my expectations, but I'm back on earth. Seeing you again was a bit like reopening the wound, but I know I've gotten over it… Isn't having a great friend better than an impossible love?"
"I don't know, I've never been in love."
Jade turns around abruptly, stares at him, and bursts out laughing.
"Hey, beautiful, do it quickly, otherwise you'll miss out on the best of life. Falling in love is like swallowing the world, with butterflies in your stomach, golden streaks in your veins. It makes you feel invincible, crazy. It's true that then you wake up, fall, and hurt yourself, but what you had, no one can take away from you. Live. Love. Dream."
"I don't know how to do it…"
"And I'm the last person who can teach you, but I truly hope, my friend, that you can experience it… like I did."
It's all over, and my throat feels tight.
Jade's dull resignation has created a huge hole in my chest.
I knew I'd hurt her, but I didn't realize how much.
I've been so selfish, and I don't know how to make up for it.
I put my phone away, and only then do I realize I'm crying.