Min-ho
My saliva has stopped and my legs are like lead, as I continue to stare at the tips of my shoes.
I'm standing in front of a white door, but I don't dare knock.
What the hell am I doing?
"Either you walk there yourself or I'll kick you out! Now I'm fed up!"
Seo Joon's ultimatum had me reeling, and I'd been holding the phone on hold for minutes.
I didn't understand why he was annoyed.
Or rather, maybe I understood perfectly well, but I didn't dare move.
I didn't ask 'what' or 'why'.
That 'book a flight to Milan' said it all.
Milan = Jade.
There's nothing else in Milan.
Not Italian culture, not the Duomo, not fashion or music.
Her.
Jade.
I purse my lips in a smile and sigh.
I have to decide to do something, whether it's knock or leave.
I raise my hand, but the door swings open in front of me.
And a tornado hits me.
Long dark hair.
The scent of dewy flowers.
A soft, warm body.
Jade.
Her eyes widen for an infinite moment.
And I drown in her color.
"Sunshine!"
Her voice is a nuanced whisper.
And I feel irremediably lost.
I place my hand on her back and find her in my arms.
Her mouth is half-open in surprise, but a surprised smile traces her lips.
That's enough for me. Only that.
I lower my head and search for that mouth as if it were life.
I feel her startle, but she doesn't pull away.
She slowly relaxes and places a hand on my chest.
I was afraid she'd push me away, so I let out a sigh.
"Um... uhmm..."
The voice is damn close, and I wonder if it's some curious neighbor. I loosen my grip on her slightly, raise my head, and two dark, embarrassed eyes are watching me.
Behind Jade.
Precisely at her door.
Jade recovers quickly, clears her throat, slightly uncomfortable.
"I can go on, if you want."
The boy speaks in English, while eyeing me curiously.
And who the hell is this? What does he want from 'my Jade'?
I search his eyes for the answer, but he's not looking at me.
"Sorry, Marco, an unexpected visitor. Can I join you later?"
The boy nods, nods, and walks away toward the elevator.
I follow him with a sullen look until the doors close and he disappears from my sight.
And then I hear him.
Her gaze on me.
I turn to her, and her eyes are like lasers.
I think I messed up.
Can I say in my defense that it wasn't planned?
I'd rehearsed dozens of times a speech of common conversational phrases, apologies, even pleas in case she didn't want to see me, but I hadn't anticipated the effect of finding her in my arms like that.
"I understand you couldn't wrap a gift like that, but at least let me know?"
Her tone is light, almost mocking, and I finally manage to relax.
"Jade, I..." I sigh again. "Believe me, that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted..."
"Ambush me? See my face when you'd say, 'Smile, you're on Candid Camera?' and then your friends would come out, clapping their hands for the prank?"
Her tone isn't joking anymore, quite the opposite.
She seems very angry, and I deserve it.
"Forgive me. I'm an idiot, but I didn't mean to embarrass you with… that boy… Is he by any chance someone you're dating?"
I can't bring myself to say 'your boyfriend' or 'fiancé'.
My blood boils, and that's not even my right.
I want to slap myself.
The sound of the elevator arriving cuts off her response.
She grabs my arm and drags me and my suitcase through the door, closing it behind her.
I'm momentarily taken aback by the setting: a huge white loft with dark wood paneled ceilings, a kitchen on the right side, and an open space on the left that houses a white sofa, a huge table covered in colorful papers, and some prints on the walls.
Warm lights reflect off the surfaces, creating pleasant reflections.
"What are you doing here, Min?"
The abrupt question brings me back to her.
And I have to admit, she's incredibly beautiful.
Her features have sharpened, they're more mature, more womanly.
She's lost the girlish look she had when I first met her, but not her character.
The fire shines in her gaze, and now it's focused on me.
I nod and raise my hands in apology.
"I could tell you it's Seo Joon's fault, but that would be a lie. But when he told me to get on a plane and run to you, I thought he was right. It took me a long time to get the courage to do it, but I admit I don't know why I'm here."
"A sudden impulse? Um, remarkable."
She doesn't seem angry, just sad.
She wished I'd done it a year ago, and I admit I thought about it a lot too, but I didn't. And that weighs on us.
And I realize I've been even more selfish now.
Damn me!
She heads to the fridge, pulls out some bottles, and grabs some glasses.
"Have a seat," he says, motioning to the counter, filling me a glass with a yellow liquid. "It must have been a long ride."
I follow his directions and wrap my hands around the cool glass.
No, it wasn't a long ride. It was a torment that lasted a full 14 hours.
If it had been a train, I would have gotten off at the first stop, so many were the doubts that assailed me.
And that's what's hurting her, because she knows me and can read my soul so well.
"What happened? What brings you here?"
Her tone changes, becoming so soft it sends shivers down my spine.
"Are you okay?" she whispers, taking my hand.
I can only stare at those fingers covering mine.
I sense her concern for me.
I slowly raise my face and study her.
She's always been the strong one, the one who knows life, who has the answers to questions I didn't even know.
I nod, grimacing.
"I don't know what I thought I'd find, bursting into your life. But it was stronger than me. Forgive me, Jade. I don't want to make you suffer again."
"I won't suffer, Min. Not anymore."
She says it with a sort of awareness that hurts me.
And a firm smile.
For her, I really am the past.
And now I know it.