"Nnà eh, school today sha!" I exclaim as we walk home together.
"I swear!" Chidera replies.
"I been wan laugh but I no later laugh," I continue.
"Nnya eh, no be say una no expect am o," She remarks to which we all chorus laughs to which causes bystanders and passers to stare.
"But nné you're lucky o," Chidera says.
"Omo, I swear," I add, "Just last week you arrived and now you've got disciplinary and sanitary prefect."
"I'm telling you!" Chidera exclaims, "Just because your mom owns one of the biggest modeling agencies in the regions."
"Anyways sha, e no really matter, e no concern us sha, a prize is a prize," I reply as Ifeoma walks on by our side smiling from ear to ear.
"I swear, I no expect am," Ifeoma says almost with pride and I give her 'the look.'
"Nékwà ọnyé á! See, see this one o! Comot for here joor! I swear I no expect am," I mimic her in mockery to which she laughs at.
Indeed today according to Oge's prediction or knowledge, the much anticipated posts abi duties nwánụ were handed out without an election contrary to the pattern used on the set before us and it was not much of a surprise to those in the high level or senior secondary level, Us, because we knew who called the shots in the school affairs and everything was according to their wishes... Or close enough.
I, against my wish was handed deputy class president, assistant class prefect to Chidera who was now my boss and like Oge had predicted or rather knew or felt, nothing was done to Esther who didn't feel bothered in the slightest, chewing gum and giving her acceptance speech with gaity and lackadaisical reckless abandon, though if I must say so myself, her speech was nothing short of a masterpiece, being evident again to her intellectual knowhows which added wind to her sails and pride to her ego, she was smart, intelligent, came from a wealthy background and was clever in most ramifications but sadly it had already gotten to her head.
In as much as it was evident that the video was from her account, the incident passed faster than a fart no one knew the culprit of, good or bad, I couldn't tell.
My wish was actually to get library prefect abi president or nothing at all cos I wanted unquestionable access to those sweet, sweet history books in the library and a VIP pass to the state library which every schools' library presidents in Onyebuchi and indeed all of Biafra got. To me it was student librarian or nothing but I got THIS other post.
The person who got senior prefect was my namesake and academic rival Nkolika Miyamigbemilomeyi, difficult name, I know, it means "My Mom gave me life" in the the ancient Itsekiri language of the old Iwere empire now Warri, her surname is Ogheneruno after her mom's first name, pretty cool.
I had always been a second position maestro to her since jss1, it was ridiculous and after years of being second best to her... Effortlessly must I add, I end up effortlessly being second best to my best friend at long last, hip, hip, hurray! I guess. I rivaled with Nkoli so much I learnt about her... More than I should I guess.
"So like play, like play, our deputy student body president na Esther, oh chị m! things dey occur o, ịfè né mé zí kwá o, oh chị m!" Ifeoma exclaims and Chidera chuckles, shaking her head over her phone.
"Nn'agwa'ị eh!" She replies, "I'm telling you!" She kicks a stone outta our path into a gutter whose drop causes dirty ripples, "No hard feelings from me sha, I'm not ready to fight with no one, I just wanna enjoy these final remaining months of high school bịkọ, if na friendship wey e go later end for then so be it as God wishes, nothing I fit do abeg," I eye her up and down.
"Clean your mouth! Clean your mouth! Clean your mouth!" I say as I cup her entire mouth in my palm and wipe it off.
She chuckles, "Wetin happen na? What did I say?"
"See wetin dey comot your mouth this child," I mutter incomprehensible words in mockery of her, "Omo sha, na you dey dull! Nné, friendship with that blood sucker that nearly disgraced us, no for me!" I wonder what was making Chi go soft on her.
"Stop abeg, don't say things like that," I look her in shock.
"Hiya! Ó ógụ k'éjị wé jịdégị nwá nké'à?" I ask in bewilderment, Ifeoma chuckles, "Na juju dem use for you this child? eh?" Ifeoma moves to change the subject.
"Omo, dem no even announce am, them just shock everybody, má ndị yị belt o, Élịlịụkwụ, má ndị yị bad áfè akwụkwọ o, gbọgbọtịgbọ o, mà ndị n'enyịrọ, dem carry post give, no wahala," she laughs it up as we support her, "Oh chị m!"
"Asin eh, babes, dem just use our ómálịchà set play, màkà one person, the only thing stopping them from giving that girl SP na the backlash she go collect from us na the students," Ifeoma says.
"Haba! Abi? That kain thing, but sef, anybody get time? forgeti! Forget joor," I wave it off.
"Forget that shit, Esther na practically the student body president now, I swear!" Chidera chips in.
"Of course, is it loud, she loud die, outspoken? she's too outspoken, social? A1, smart to lots of extents, intelligent book wise? Confirm! Do guys worship her feet? Ịmákwà! I actually like werin she dey use boys so, those boys na ọkpọ sha o!"
"I dey tell you! But make she sha no forget say boys, men, hm! When they set their heart out to ruin a girl, they'll do it effortlessly, no matter how long it takes, that gender, them no get work, useless people," Chidera says.
"No you're right, na why I'm actually threading with caution in their path, no be me them go use tọ ọṅụ, no be me dem go use boast," Ify says.
"I'm telling you," I agree.
"Men sha, ólé kwá! Fịákwá fá!" Chidera says, I snap my finger in agreement.
"But babes forget, she's technically the SP, or do you think it's Nkolika, Mary Amaka, virgin mother of God, that one? she's intelligent, yes o, book smart only, but she no like talk, no gossip, she's not loud, she no social, she's not smart, see na just style dem use give Esther SP, if to say na Ngozi dem give am as na she rightfully deserve am in my humblest opinion, them know say Ngozi go follow her drag am still give am levels on top but here we are na deputy dustbin prefect dem give am, oh Chi m!" Ifeoma says and Chi and I burst into laughter, painful laughter on my part I must add.
"Abi you know say na style you dey use insult us?" Chidera queries.
"No be say I dey insult una o, na the school and management dem, na dem insult una, you go reason say you be Oga at the top but na style dem use give una board prefect and dem look you well, you tall sef, you go clean am tire, e no hard," I stare at her a while as she and Chidera laugh it all up.
"See this one o," I call at Chi, "You think say you better pass, na me and you dey share for the board cleaning o, ha! See this one o!" She laughs.
"E dey pain you? At least I no be assistant sha," Ifeoma giggles.
"You, see you sef, no be say you sabi book, I swear na Ngozi own pain me die," She continues, "Chai! Second position from jss1 to ss2 first term, that Nkoli sef I no even understand her own, be like say she don go third as una sha talk... Omo abeg, tomorrow, I don reach house o," She says as we stop in front of a gate a few metres from our compound.
"Ah! so na here una dey live?" I exclaim.
"Yes o! What of you girls na?" She asks.
"See our house down there na, if you just raise your head you'll see it, haba! How have we not been..." I ask.
"You forget say they just moved in... I guess," She turns to Ifeoma, "Abi? Shey una just move in na?"
"Yes o, my mom recently just purchased this entire compound."
"Are you serious? Because I was wondering why all the members of this compound was evacuating that one time with immediate effect," Chidera says.
"Yes oh, na mumsy o, mum suggested we should move to this neighborhood, quiet, serene and all..." Before she's done, Chi and I glance at ourselves and burst out into laughter as I rearrange my bag's strap, "Ah, why the laughters?" With a confused smile she adds, "Why una dey laugh?"
"Sorry for the laugh," Chidera says still laughing, it moves me to more laughter.
"Chi, calm down abeg," I say in between laughs.
Calming me, she replies, "See, we're laughing because you believe that this neighborhood is quiet and serene," She laughs again, "Sorry for the laugh."
"Keep playing!" I say.
She hisses, "Ákíkọ́, story! is that why you're laughing? Normal, I know that one na, na why I no really argue with them, dem no see Obianuju's three three for this our Onyebuchi, it's now Muammar al-Gaddafi way, Mamaa Gaddafi road them come, come dey find peace and quiet, may dem two just dey there dey play," She laughs as we join her.
"But the work is nice though," I remark the renovation work being done around the compound as the sound of hammers, chisels and what not kept banging on our ear drums. I move to cover my ears.
"Omo since last week o," Chidera says.
"And under this hot sun eh! Chai! Noise pollution," Ifeoma replies with a slight hiss.
"So where una dey stay na?" Chidera continues.
"For the boy's quarters na just a few meters away from the house at the back there," Ifeoma replies, I focus on her hand gestures which she makes as she signals to the direction of the quarters, her signature move, her demure hand gestures, it was nice, I loved it and her sudden rapid eye movements? Oh chị m!
She had arrived earlier this morning and I was immediately drawn to this unique and exhilarating new student and I instantly knew I had to friend her especially before Esther got the chance to. If there was anything she was excellently good at, it was drawing and keeping people... At least long enough for them to realize they were getting their ass manipulated by her... Sooooo, not a competition though, just to be safe... Keeping Ifeoma here safe from iniquities.
"Una get boys' quarters sef, Omo money dey o," I says to her.
"Ịmákwà! I'm telling you," Chidera chips in over her phone.
"Abegi, which money dey?" She laughs, bending her body and covering her mouth unconsciously, Mesmerizing! As she straightens up, two of her buttons comes off revealing her flat tummy, it was so natural, so smooth with obviously soft and delicately emerging hairs trailing up her stomach way over her navel... and her navel piercing... Oh chị m!
"O chị m! Chai! Oooooooh God! so this thing later spoil?" She says, "These buttons wey dey hang for their dear life all day long," I chuckle.
"You go call all this aboki people na?" I suggest.
"Yes, that's what'll do."
"And besides, it's not like they make noise always in this street so you're kinda ok here," Chidera confirms from over her phone.
"Abi? The street members?" Ifeoma asks.
"This girl, try and catch up, we're past that, ọkpọ!" Ifeoma smiles and continues.
"Don't mind her! Her and Whatsapp status!" Ify turns to me, "Since inside the classroom, how many contacts you get sef this girl?"
"Hm? Wetin happen?" She calls realizing herself, I glance at Ifeoma who gives a deep knowing smile.
"Nothing o," I reply as Ifeoma laughs. She looks up from the phone and blankly at us as if trying to accertain the cause of our laughter, when she can't, she continues on her device, "You go soon loss for inside that phone," Ifeoma chuckles and moving towards her gate, Chi replies.
"You don't know that nowadays, status is a way of checking up on people, if they post status and you view, comment and pass, na greeting, so na greeting I dey greet my almost ninety something contacts of which like eighty something dey always drop steady, active updates and statuses," She says over her loud keyboard.
"Abi? No be lie... Wait chèlụ kwá o! Ịsị nó gịnị, ninety... Something contacts! How you take catch those ones?" Ifeoma asks in utter disbelief.
"This girl, ènà tụ ólú you no tell me?" I exclaim, "Eh, see my love o!"
"Aswear, ịná tụ ólú this girl?" Ify adds.
"Me, yahoo?" She laughs, "Omo noooo, na just girls and boys wey dey steady chyke me for places dey collect numbers na, mà for school o, for road o, places na, you know, normally I be fine babe na..." She says with a wink twirling in the process, I scoff with a hiss. "Ásà nwá dị kà m, Ásà ọdọgwụ, Áchàlụgọ..."
Ifeoma laughs, "Ehen! You don't mean it!" She replies sarcastically.
"Ụnụ nábọ eh, two of you, jealousy! Fịà!" Chidera says and I giggle.
"So who's the ọdọgwụ?" Ify asks, I glance at Chi, she smiles and looks at me.
"Werey! Why you dey blush?" I realize my self quickly and readjust, "Oya na!" Ifeoma taps at me and waves goodbye entering into the massive compound, "Maybe I'll see you ladies later na."
"Abi? No be lie," I reply as Chi and I wave back.
"K'ọdị na fine girl," Chidera says.
"Ngozi, no vex you hear? Na you still be my SP," Ifeoma says from inside.
"Mbà nụ, ọnwérọ́, it's nothing, no be simple post of five to six months, it's nothing joor."
"Abi? No be lie, tomorrow na, abi soon, Chi baby," She waves at Chidera, "K'ọdị na, k'ọdị kà ányị áfụrọ!"
"Yup, bye bye," Chidera replies with waves to her and turns to me, "Ngozi hope say your popsie cook?" I chuckle.
"No be your popsie too, go ask am na!"
"Bịkọ talk something jare!, hunger dey o," I smile.
"Na beans and plantain him cook, I know say you no like beans and plantain..."
"Says who?" Chidera exclaims.
"Haba!, you no even gree me land."
"Abegi, I wan know who talk that kain thing, dem no dey use me play where that dish dey o, it and pounded yam and sweet ǹsàlà soup, abeg o, I no dey use food play," I laugh at her antics, truly, truly, she was a foodie, no kidding, no arguing on that one. "But seriously, the food dey house?"
"Ah ah, for sure for sure na, na popsie cook am."
"Normal, Ngozi na you be wan cook am before? See me, see trouble o!" She exclaims as I laugh nodding my head in defeat.
"Nice one there! one nil gị, your one zero now o," She laughs, "But why people no dey too like beans for this country?"
"It's mostly because of the heart burn they develop after consuming the beans but girls like us don't have such conditions."
"Normal na, we're special!" I reply, extending my hands for a high five which she reciprocates.
"And that's on periodt!"
"I'm telling you! Sha, I have heard something like that and I think my great aunt, Nné m ózó ńnúkwụ, my maternal grand aunt Obusomnosi nwánné my grandma Ifeyinwa mgbọ Aroli, when she came to visit taught my dad and mum something about soaking the beans in water after picking out the dirts for about an hour before proceeding to wash and then cooking it, washing it again a second time like rice... you know, or thereabout."
"Yes, you're correct, something like that, it helps against the heart burns and other stuffs, making sure to put vegetable leaves abi ụzịzá so that the stool won't smell and stuff like that, Abegi, shey movies still dey your phone abeg? Because I sabi you, ógè ọbụnà, áká éné mé gị delete! delete! pipụ! pipụ!"
"How far, relax o, which one be dis kain talk?" I reply eyeing her.
"See this one o, wetin you dey try form? You get movie jare?"
"Werey! Which one?"
"Prom date, Crush mó Ginny and Georgia," I exclaim in delight as we enter our compound, students with other school uniforms passing us by on foot and vehicles seem to flood the street.
"Ginny and Georgia! Chai! Omo I too love that show," I say.
"Abi?"
"Ehen, how you check that Ifeoma girl na?" I ask Chidera, who smiles dusting her hands, that's her signal to demonstrate she's ready for gossip. I chuckle, "Nékwà yá o, see her o, gossip girl, ásịlị nwáànyị," She laughs.
"No be you ask me? Abegi, let me begin," I laugh, "She's actually cool, she's ok, and that she wants to be fashion designer and model, it's a beautiful something, but make she no go get that thing wey you talk that time..."
"Okkkkk," I snap my fingers trying to remember the stuff, "Ehen, anorexia nervosa!"
"Abi, yes, anorexia, nyá ná nké óbụnà dị yá ná'zu, you know, because of trying to get the perfect shape."
"Asin eh, I'm telling you, but no, no, her shape is natural and her skin is demure and nice, like, it's heavenly, that's her natural shape, she was born for this."
"But she's lovely sha, I love her dark light skin, her naturally slim shape, not forced like the silly girls of our generation, Omo, I dey jealous her flat tummy o," Chi says as I feel on my own tummy.
"I swear down! Haba! You noticed?" I asked surprised.
"Yes na, that time her buttons comot na!" She says quickly checking on her phone.
"Omo you dey observe o," I remark.
"Oh my gawd...!" She yelps in ecstasy.
"Ógịnị kwá!" I exclaim at her...
"Ha! Normal na, her natural silky hair, not the artificial nonsense ndị ọtụ m ná bụ nyá rị sị nó Brazilian hair, weave-on, ngwọ ngwọ ná ngwọ ngwọ, her's pure, truly African, her toes were giving through that slippers she wore to school and her deep dark cat eyes..." I give her 'the look.'
"Bịà nwátáa! Ịbànyé bégọ by ways of lọhọ o! ịgavà kwàpụtàmmịlị," I pull her legs a bit, "Have you seen yourself in the mirror recently? Who made you a moral judge over those who are pleating long hair, I, mmụà can be the judge not you Chi, not you that any money you get, pleat hair, Ịkpá gbụlụ ónwé gị ná ntụtụ, hair! It's me because I have never pleated my hair in my life..."
"How far relax o, try dey calm down o, na just small admiration, abeg! Abeg! Which one be orgasm again?" She cautions.
"From admiration now, it'll enter another thing..." I continue losing myself in my own talk as we stand in front of our house.
"Oya, see, from play now, e don dey turn to another thing, I hate you right now for this!" She, pouting, turns aside, I come over and nudge her slightly.
"Babes, calm down joor, oya sorry about it bịkọ, please o, ịtágbụ ná m! No chop me raw," She smiles and I burst into laughter, "No chop me raw abeg."
"See I'm inside o bịkọ kwá!," She says as she enters the main house, I follow suit.
She upon realizing the absence of our parents begins to take off her socks and shirt tossing them about with reckless abandon. "No, you for like remove your skirt, singlet and ụwèuhịé too na! Dundee! Otondo! Áshánà!" She laughs.
"Ah ah! Baptise me with my maiden names o? Ọkpọ!" She retaliates as I laugh, "I no go clean am? No be say your room neat pass sef," She eyes me up and hisses, "nwánnè Dundee!" I laugh as I move to the fridge to bring out the pot of beans to go warm up. Chidera proceeds to put on the fans, air conditioners and then sits to select the movie we would connect to the plasma television as we had earlier realized the solar inverter was in order today.
Soon enough, I bring out the steamy hot pot of beans and we dig in.
Dad would always say that my maternal grandmom's grandma Achalanne mgbọ, the daughter of Nnebuogu ényịnné ụzọ nkè ịzịzị, the first cousin of Oba Ehigie's daughter princess Ivie always said, 'Ngị ná ajọ mmadụ nè lị kọ bá ịjịlụ ngájị tó lụ ọgọlọgọ' which simply meant 'When you were eating with the devil, you use a long spoon' it was simply because of Chidera I understood that adage, she was evidently the devil in this context.
"Bịà, omo, Nné try dey calm down na, so na so you dey do infront of momsie and grandma Mgborie?" I asked as I had well on accepted defeat knowing fully well I couldn't match up to her speed and expertise.
"Nné forget that thing, Ádàézè dị kà m? Ádàọbị!"
"If you're truly an Adaeze as your middle name implies then you'ld not be eating like a god-damned somebody straight outta solitary confinement who evidently would not have eaten for days," She laughs.
"Bịkọ, no be that rubbish main stream media and its cartoons dey propagate, y'all should know that even princesses just wanna be themselves, ndị Ádàézè chọ nọ ịbụ ọnwé fá, simple! so forget that thing joor, all these 'Be a lady,' 'Ladies are gentle,' 'Ladies are calm,' 'Oh queen, you need a man to come save you,' 'You need a man to be happy,' 'Ladies should sit like this and be gentle like that,' 'You need to be quiet and submissive to look appealing and presentable for a guy,' 'Oh men are the prize, You're only successful if you're married and if you have kids and all other bullshits," She hisses loudly, picking up the spoon and wiping it up with her tongue, she digs in again, "Fuck those stupid ass misogynistic and marginalistic bullshits, may dem no dey carry that kain talk come near me, society and its yeye standards and what not... bịkọ kwá nụ o, abeg!" I chuckle.
"Abi? And the worst part sef na, imagine, after I suffer, I carry pikin seven, eight to nine months, I suffer, na me feel pain finish, na me as Lady no dey comfortable for bed, na me the Lady the useless man go still wan disturb for night wey the Lady suppose rest, open him yeye mouth con talk say him wan knack..."
"Aswear, him still wan knack, useless people!"
"And after clearly seeing she's now living for two o!"
"Aswear some men just useless die!"
"I dey tells you," I agree. Chi blows on the food and scoops the spoon into her mouth still as hot as it is. I chuckle.
"And after all the Lady will pass through, you open mouth tell me say, na the man..."
"Aswear, say na the Man name the pikins go bear, tụfịákwà!"
"Thunder fire them, if I run am may my Mama generation end like this!" I exclaim clearly infuriated. I had not eaten a spoon of the meal but Chi was half way done. "Na some kain ladies dey tolerate nonsense, even my Momsie, I just dey happy say my Popsie don show me the way na."
"Wetin happen?" Chi asks shoving another hot spoon in her mouth blowing air and swallowing like her life depended on it, she swallows and begins to beat on her chest while I reach out to the sachet water which loved to call pure water in our region of the Motherland. Opening it, I shove the open tip into her mouth, beating on her chest gently to calm her down.
"You be werey o! Come you and the food dey fight? I never even chop you don chop like twenty two," I ask when she is finally calm.
She replies me in her usual unappreciative tone, she was really being unappreciative though,"Ómụ, na twenty one! Why you dey count am sef?" I laugh, "Werey! Ehen, so wetin popsie do na?"
You forget? My surname na?"
"Ehen! Na wetin I dey talk, your papa na boss o! Omo I too love that thing, Ngozichi Nkolika Obinne Ozioma, omo, that mean say na your Momsie lineage una dey now o! Mad!"
"I dey tells you!"
"But wahala go con dey when you wan marry because you know the kain society wey we still dey na, your husband and your husband people go con like may you use their own ancestral name," Chi says as she shoves another spoon into her mouth, this time, more carefully.
"E get when I tell you say I wan marry Man?"
"Hm?" She replies.
"Nothing, I talk say I wan chop o! Bịà! Chai! This girl, you don chop this entire pot go down, you go con find wetin the living ancestors go chop."
"Ngóó rest joor, dem get money them go surely find their ways, Mom and Dad? Them go find their ways," Chi says grabbing what looked like the last spoon.
"Dey play!" I say finally digging in.
"Omo I don full o!" Chi says arising from the ground where we sat legs crossed.
As she moves an inch, we hear a knock at the door, checking the clock I'm shocked because neither my Mom and Dad, nor Chi's Mom was supposed to be back by this time but Chidera no send as she immediately moves to arrange her stuffs, before I knew what was happening, she was already upstairs and down again and the parlor was as neat as we had met it.
"This girl eh!" I call out to her with a chuckle.
She smiles turning her attention to the door, "Kè way? Who's at the door?" She calls out before getting to the door.
"Be careful, it's probably Mom or Dad."
"Abi?" She goes over to the door and realizes, "It's Ifeoma."
"Ah, what's she doing here na?" I stop short on my track considering whether the question came off as rude or not. Personally, I was just intrigued, oddly, delighted, I wonder why.
"Should I let her in?"
"Should we?" I seek her opinion mostly to rub myself off of the guilt of being 'rude' at the moment as it seemed to me, and judging from the quick glance Chidera shot at me.
"Why not? Nothing dey there na, the more, the merrier," She replies.
"Abi?" She opens up and Ifeoma enters.
"Hey girrrrrls, Omo, make una no vex o, boredom dey finish me for our side and those hammer, Ányụnká ná kụ mgbịlịgbá ná énụ, I tire abeg, I said let me just come chill out in this place... Omo na beans be that? Oh chị m, I dey chop o," She says.
"Boredom? On top your pro max?"
"Omo, sub no dey o," I chuckle, "You know say phone no dey sweet if sub no dey."
"No wonder," Chi says as we both laugh.
"I swear sha, na true, omo what are you guys watching na?" Ifeoma asks.
"Na Ginny and Georgia o," She smiles.
"Oh chị m, I like that film o, but how Ginny go take do that kain thing to her momsie na?" She says sitting down on the floor and crossing her legs with us, an African tradition, while I stood to go get her a spoon.
"Bịà, shut the fuck up o, no come spoil this sweet film for us with your aproko!" Chidera cautions her.
"I swear, that kain thing! No carry your aproko come here o!" I then recall something, "How far una see that thing wey Aproko doctor post today?"
"Ngozi naaaaaa, later abeg, we no really too send the baba right now," I raise my hands in submission as I arise to signify I wasn't going to talk no more.
I go get Ifeoma the spoon and we all settle down so as to focus on the movie. Mid way through the movie, Chi stands up and moves upstairs in a haste.
"Chi, where are you headed?" Ifeoma asks.
"Ngozi I'm coming ok? I just wanna..." She signals me upstairs and I just have to follow her. She signals Ifeoma that she'll be right back, I do same.
"Abeg Ify, I'm coming," I say arising as she nods in reply still glued to the screen.
Getting upstairs, I pause as I see Chi already tightly clad on a towel on her hair and around her, she's by the door awaiting me, "What's up? You needed my help?" I ask.
"Mbà o, I don't think I called you sha but guess, since you're already here, stay na."
I stare at her long and hard, she finally breaks a smile after a few seconds of rigid stares, I wasn't finding nothing funny, "We left a girl we barely know at the parlor and... Forget!" I say.
"Nkoli, she's harmless," Chi concludes.
"I don't think so!" I continue, "She could steal the two kpá five Nnefe, mó five kpá Egonne mó ụmụ Ayolas nfónyésị ná ụmụ óchè dị sị gá ná Palor."
Chidera shakes her head at my insecurities, "If you're so insecure why the hell did you leave her all alone then?"
"Cos you called me... Or at least I thought so."
"Girl, I love you so much for this but kà ịsị gị lụé ánị, Jịlị nwáyóó," She enters the bathroom, "Besides she looks like an absolute angel..."
"Girl you just met her!... Yesterday!"
"And it has been the most fun two days of my life... Yet."
"First of all, ouch! And hey, you have only spent today with her..."
"Get out!" I had pushed her to the wall, my specialty.
"Omo, the truth hurts, deal with it, Ụdọ pásáá sha, peace plenty, I dey downstairs Nné m," I turn to use the door.
"Fuck, you!"
I laugh as I turn to leave, "Love you too baby," She sends a venomous hiss as her reply which is slowly drowned by the gushing of the shower. As I cross the door, I carefully shut the door behind.
Downstairs, I run into Ifeoma laughing her ass off.
"Ké way? What's funny?" I ask.
"O chị m!" She screams out in between laughter, she pulls me down and sends the video timer back a bit and I'm soon laughing with her.
"Omo Georgia sha dey craze sha!" I say.
"Asin eh," I glance at the pot, it was as if she hadn't even eaten a bite from how we left it.
"How far, you no dey chop?" She looks at me and smiles revealing her set of teeth that wasn't really in proportion, we listen, we don't judge, she was twice my beauty in all ramifications I must admit so I best stop judging.
"I'm eating, I dey chop," she replies. She goes on to take a little scoop of beans, the scoop wasn't even quarter of the spoon and passes it through her lips.
Na this one be the eating nwánụ? "Ákịịịịkóóó! What's your best meal?"
"It's definitely not beans..."
"Are you eating like this because you wanna keep a flat tummy?" She stares at me.
"Noooo, this is just the way I eat..." I raise a brow at her, and she laughs a bit and goes on to maintain a straight face, "I'm serious Ngozi."
I shrug and continue, "Sha careful against anorexia nervosa o," She nods and turns to the screen.
"Trust me, I will! Anorexia is not my portion! How far? Where's Chidera na?" She asks as if to quickly change the subject.
"That small pikin? She dey loo. Abi? Make I go check am before she flush herself inside," Ifeoma laughs and a loud call comes from behind as I arise.
"Àlà gbá gbụé gị ébé àhụ!" Chidera calls out, "Na madness go thunder you for there ọkpọ!" She calls out as Ifeoma and I laugh.
"O chị m!" Ifeoma exclaims pulling more laughs from me.
"Me? Flush my self kwá? No wahala! As how na? As your baby sister na abi naaaaa nwátákịlị or... Or as wetin? I no understand!" Nodding her head she replies, "Nsọgbụ adịghị, na see finish cause am," I chuckle in response as Ifeoma on the floor smiles over the movie.
"Which of una senior sef?" She turns to ask, I turn to Chi.
"Na weeks I use senior am o, but clearly, I'm more mature na," She calls out excitedly as if she's been waiting to answer a long while.
Ifeoma raises her brow at her, she glances over at me, I believe I was reading her mind, I quickly move to hide my emerging smiles, she chuckles, dusting her hands as she arises, "Eeehe! Are you serious?" She replies.
I chuckle, "You dey mind am? Who call maturity now?" Is the nicest thing I manage to blurt out. Good thing the mouth didn't always speak the mind. Good thing we have absolute control.
"I'm telling you!" Ifeoma adds, laughing mockingly.
"See this one o," Chidera continues, "You know wetin be three weeks?"
"Wetin be three to four weeks? Una two mama get belle the same time con born like a month or two apart ịná kó tụ nó sị nó maturity, Oh chị m! Ézịgbọté álá ná pụ gị."
"You wey dey talk sef, how old you dey?" I ask, I pinch on Chi, she smiles, I knew words got to her fast and I knew she was contemplating whether to react or not, I looked at her and gave her a soothing look.
"You guys, have you answered my own question?" She persists.
"Oya we're both sixteen and you?" Chi responds.
"Going to sixteen or going to seventeen?" She inquires all the more.
"Going to sixteen o, both of us, I'm born on the twenty eighth day ná ímé Ónwàrolihlahla aka October ninth and she's born on the twenty seventh day ná Ónwàkandake aka September tenth, that kain thing... Soooo, hypothetically speaking, we're still fifteen but logically and since we're in February 15th, aka the sixteenth day ná Ónwànyánwụ..."
"The month of the Sun..." Chi exclaims.
"The month of the Sun my sister!" I reply.
"Pride month just ended right?" Ifeoma asks suddenly.
"Yeah, Pride week, it's now Pride week," I reply, "But this year own no too loud sha."
"No fear naaaa, we're just getting started, Ówụwá just arrived, there's always next year." Chidera says.
"Right...! So yeah... Ok I had just heard myself earlier, we're both still fifteen but the bottom line is she turns sixteen before me, Ógé ụmụ ónwà ózó kà ná bịá'bịá," I reply.
"Ok nice, that's nice, that's nice, Ábụ m Ónwàminatu ụbọchị ọgụ ná ịsáá, on the twenty seventh day of Ónwàminatu, according to the ỊgụÁró N'ụrụsọrọ, December 26th according to the Gregorian calender, I'm turning seventeen on that day o and I no wan dey hear 'A queen was born,' 'Damsel in gịnị nwánụ gịnị nwánụ...' Em, 'May the good God bless you...' Ngwọ́ ńgwọ́ ná ńgwọ́ ńgwọ́, abeg! Make funds dey, infact where's my phone? Make I paste una aza make una pin am for our chats, I no wan hear those kain rubbish prayers when funds no dey," She reaches for her phone where she's charging it and begins typing.
"I dey tells you, me too o! Infact where my phone sef make I paste am for class group..." Chidera says. As she moves I pull her back.
"Werey! Come here jare! Resti! Na only you get birthday? Rest! Rest! Which one you don do for me wey be your babe sef tozo?" She laughs. I receive a notification, Gaddaflip! "First bank of Africa? ụnóákụ ịzịzị nké Afruika, Hm, people still dey use that bank? Ok, yes."
"Hmmmmmm! I no wan hear story o, Ngozi! Chidera!" She says pulling at her ear lobes.
"You kwánụ rest!" Chidera says.
"Nyá eh! Abeg zụkwà n'ike! Resti! Your birthday na for Aminatu, December after the sports festival that replaced the Christmas holidays and you..." I turn to face Chidera, "You wey wan post aza, year never even go quarter, why una just dey rush rush? Where una dey rush rush dey go kwá nụ?"
"Ehen! You see you? Last year wetin you do for me?" Chidera pops up a question.
"Nkịtá... Nkịtá làchápụkwá gị ọnụ ébé áhù! Láácháá gị ịkè join, ọkpọ! Sharwama ná orange juice wey I buy you for Nné Ndubuisi joint that evening, wetin e be?"
"So because of small..."
"Amadioha kpó gị òkù ébé àhụ!" I reply causing Ifeoma to laugh.
"How far?" She calls out, "My belle dey turn me o," She says clutching her tummy which I eye jealously, I really loved her shape because it was natural, I loved natural things, ngházị Nnéụwá, natural, I too love natural things, nature, Nnéụwá.
"You don chop, now you wan go uninstall," Chidera says and we all laugh.
"Ịmákwà! Oh chị m, óná bịa ooo," She says doing a few dainty hops.
"She no even chop anything, wetin be the thing nwánụ you wan go uninstall?" I say to them both.
"Her umbilical cord!" Chi and I both laugh hysterically.
"No Chidera, na... na... na see finish cause am, because say you see me for your joint na?"
"Ah ah, you sha dey serious o this girl, abeg o, ịtá gbụ kwá ná m Ámụọsụ bịkọ nụ!" Chi says licking her spoon.
Ify squints her eyes at her awhile as if contemplating something and suddenly breaks out a smile, "Nnééééé, it's simply because garri no dey among na!" She says as we climb the stairs, "If to say garri mó Arise bread..."
"C'mon shut up your mouth!" I respond to her, letting go of her, I rant, "Shut up uh! See, no be for ányị o, for this our joint, we no dey waste food, and we dey slap people wey no dey chop, dey nice o! Dem no dey use food play for my side, e get people across the world wey never see quarter this food chop o," She smiles, "See now, Arise bread don dey hungry me."
"Go na, Arise bakeries no far na," Ify says.
"I for like go but we get two jumbo size for fridge but hot one dey hungry me..."
"Hm! Ngozichi you don't know what you want o," She replies, she seems to have calmed down.
"No mind am!" Chidera calls out with a mouth full of beans, she toots and we both turn to her.
"Wait, na mess you mess just now?" Ify asks Chidera.
"And as you dey chop sef this girl!" Ify and I proceed to laugh.
She's probably perceiving it to be in mockery of her, it isn't, I actually did find it amusing that she did that, she on the other hand is slightly offended probably because a third party was laughing at her, "Abegi," She hisses, "Omalicha nnị enụigwénánị nyé'lụ ányị... Bịà way! Kpálị kwá ọnwé gị o! Kpáchàlụ kwá ányá gị o!" Ify smiles, suddenly she taps on me and begins running upstairs as I follow suit.
"Óná bịà! óná bịà! óná bịà!" She exclaims as we dash upstairs!
"Jé nyụ pụ yá!" Chidera says over the pieces of bone she's crushing without mercy.
"Nné, nwáyó nwáyóó o," I call out at my exit.
"Kụá ịsị ná wall, ónyé mgbụ..." She replies.