(1)
Get off work on time today! Don't be late!
Lili's message amuses me. I mean, never do I work overtime voluntarily.
Sure thing!
I type the reply on the keyboard. The moment I hit Enter, Chao slides to my cubicle on his swivel chair.
"Get off work on time today! Don't be late!" He reads the message on my screen affectedly.
"Come on." I push his chair back to his cubicle next to me.
"Who's Lili?" asks Chao, "Your girlfriend?"
"No. Just a friend." Then I stop talking before I add I don't have a girlfriend, which may probably trigger questions about something else. Of course, I also admit that sometimes I'm just too cautious.
"We're having a New Year's Eve party tonight."
"You are lucky." Chao sighs, "Otherwise, you have to get something for her today."
"It seems you've prepared little something for your… boyfriend? I didn't even know you're in a relationship again." I slide closer to him. "OK, show me the gift."
"How did you know I've already got one?" He seems surprised.
"It couldn't be more obvious." I laugh. Or how can he explain why his hand is already in his bag placed beside the computer?
Chao takes out a small case and puts it on the desk. It's a red Swatch case, as big as my pencil box. This is the case. Today I've actually seen it several times by accident, him taking it out and staring at it when he's bored.
"Have you opened it yet?" It's hard to see the watch inside clearly.
"Yes. Take a look." He answers while taking out the watch.
"I like the color." I take it from him. The watch is lighter than I thought, but the color is beautiful. It's blue, only a little darker than the blue I often see.
"The name of this model is BLUE AWAY." Chao says, a slight smile on his face, "This is his favorite color."
If I were his boyfriend, I'd love the gift. I envy him, or them, at the moment.
"So where are you going for the party?" asks Chao, putting the case back into his bag.
"Dunno. They'll send me the address later, I guess." Since Yun is the only one in the group who doesn't have to work today, she's responsible for reserving a table in a bar, whichever she likes. I hope she doesn't drink too much tonight, or she'll probably miss the flight back to Shanghai tomorrow. Anyway, Lee's promised to send her to the airport, so a little hangover might happen to prevent her from thinking and asking weird questions on the way, which doesn't seem to be something bad.
Lee. It's been a week since that day at his studio. I don't know whether it's been difficult to identify who glued the photo to the wall, or if he's deliberately keeping the truth from me. Whatever the reason, I haven't heard from him all week. And I've made no attempt to reach out myself. This is my old pattern: mind racing down every possible explanation while my actions whisper 'not interested'.
Well, I'll definitely see him at tonight's gathering anyway. Maybe I'll find a chance to ask him about it then.
(2)
Things will get better in the new year, won't they?
Staring at the pile of gifts I just placed on the table, I quietly say to myself in my mind. Yes, I'm not just on time – I'm the first one here. With the New Year holiday starting tomorrow, practically nobody feels like working seriously today. Thank goodness I've saved my one monthly "forget-to-clock-in" pass until this last day of the month, finally able to leave early without consequences.
The bar Yun reserved isn't crowded yet – it's too early for proper drinking time, so staff members still bustle around preparing for the evening rush. The bar is not far from where I work. That's why, despite carrying all these gifts, I decided to walk here anyway. After all, the weather recently has been quite pleasant.
Gift-giving remains a lifelong lesson I'm still learning. Yun's present turns out to be the easiest – she shared a wish list in our group chat days ago. While slightly too straightforward, this method saves me hours of agonizing. I picked a gorgeous wall art piece from her list, ordering it online to ship directly to her Shanghai home so she won't need to haul it around. The artwork turned out to be so nice that I got another one for myself. Yun's definitely got better taste now.
The gift for Lili is a Miu Miu scarf. This gift idea comes from an experience Lili and I had two weeks ago while strolling through a night market. At that time, Lili spotted a scarf at a market stall that she thought had a nice color and style. But when I picked up the scarf and examined it closely, I noticed that the patterns were printed in Miu Miu font, but the name was Min Min. I couldn't help but laugh out loud right in front of the vendor. That same night, I ordered the authentic version in similar colors – tonight's perfect gift to spare her from wearing obvious fakes now that we're proper working adults.
Choosing a gift for Lee is the hardest. After losing contact for so long since our breakup, I can barely guess his preferences now. I spent days thinking it over, and the only idea that came to mind was paint, except I'd already given him that back in college. Strangely enough, even though I could use the long period of losing touch as an excuse now, could I really have thought of a suitable gift other than paint even back in college? With doubts about myself, I somehow logged onto the Miu Miu website again and ordered a men's scarf for Lee.
I know I don't owe him anything, but the guilt of not understanding him anymore made me plug the oven back in. At least this was something I could trust – back in school, Lee actually liked my homemade cookies. Since it'd been years, the first two batches went straight into the trash.
However, handmade gifts carry meaning, so to avoid sending the wrong signal, I packed the cookies into three boxes: one for each person at the party.
(3)
I might be a little late.
When I receive this message from Lee, Lili and Yun have already been here for a while. Yun didn't even sit down before launching into complaints about how terrible the traffic was.
"It's not like we're the only ones hanging out on New Year's Eve," Lili replies offhandedly, flipping through the menu without looking up.
"Is Lee almost here?" Yun asks.
"He'll be a bit late. Something came up at the studio, I think." No one actually asked for an explanation, but when I'm nervous, I tend to overexplain. Even though I've spent the past week deliberately avoiding the thought, I'm about 80% sure Lee's tardiness today has something to do with that photo. Why hasn't he said anything about it all this time? Does this really have to be as complicated as solving a murder case?
Yun sighs and says, resigned, "I swear, Lee and I just don't have any luck. We've barely managed to meet up since I got back, and every time, something goes wrong. He's not going to end up not coming at all today, is he?" She suddenly turns to me.
"No way, it's New Year's Eve," I say, forcing my voice to sound certain, even though I'm not at all sure. Still, I have to admit, my feelings are complicated: part of me wants Lee to show up quickly so Yun won't be disappointed, but the other part hopes he doesn't. Somewhere deep down, I still wish the whole photo thing could just fade away, forgotten in a year or two. That would be best.
"What are those?" Lili asks, spotting the pile of gift bags next to me after finishing her phone order.
"Presents for you guys." I'd originally planned to wait until Lee arrived before handing them out, but now that she's asked, I go ahead and pass them around, introducing each one to the girls.
"Yang, you're seriously the sweetest. But I like that scarf too," Yun says, her eyes fixed on Lili, who's already trying it on.
"Then update your wish list before next New Year," Lili teases on my behalf before turning to me. "So you baked these cookies yourself?"
I raise an eyebrow. Obviously.
"Guess we owe Lee one this time," Lili murmurs, leaning in close.
The three cookie boxes are identical – same size, same portions. Yet somehow, Lili still sees right through me. My little schemes never stand a chance against her razor-sharp perception.
"I don't remember you ever baking cookies before?" Yun opens her own box, munching on a cookie with relish.
"I learned it in college. Back in high school, we were so busy every day. Who had time to figure this stuff out?" Even the oven I used to bake these cookies is the same one I bought back then in college. After breaking up with Lee, I once thought about throwing it away. But then I figured, after all, it was something I'd saved up for so long to afford. In the end, rationality won over impulse.
"Oh, right. Back in high school, you were too busy dating Chenhui all the time." Yun's words are always hard to predict. Even Lili, sitting beside her, straightens up slightly in surprise.
"Can't even a cookie shut you up?" Lili casually grabs another cookie from the box and stuffs it into Yun's mouth.
I've always noticed that Lili rarely brings up Chenhui around me, let alone cracks such bold jokes. It's always me constantly catching cues, intentional or not, that remind me of him. Like just ten minutes ago, when I saw those decorative white masks hanging above the bar counter, my mind jumped straight to Guy Fawkes mask, and from there, to how much Chenhui loved V for Vendetta. Right then, it hits me: my life is just like a goddamn surreal horror movie. Some people, though still alive, haunt me like ghosts.
"We never dated, Yun, for sure. You do remember he had a girlfriend, don't you?" I shake my head helplessly, offering an explanation for a joke that didn't even need one.
"I do, I'm just messing with you." Yun barely manages to swallow the cookie Lili shoved into her mouth. "It's been ten years since we graduated. Come to think of it, I haven't seen him once since then. Kind of nostalgic, really – those days when the four of us used to have lunch together."
"You were just as outrageous back then as you are now," I reply with a laugh. Yeah, ten years. It's been ten years since I last saw Chenhui, too. I remember how, in those first few years after graduation, I'd still ask around before Chinese New Year whether he was coming back. But every time, he'd somehow have a new excuse not to. Eventually, I stopped asking. It felt unfair to keep putting him in the awkward position of making up yet another excuse year by year. Slowly, I came to accept the truth: in the end, everyone drifts apart, chasing their own paths. Still, every now and then, I can't help but wonder – has Chenhui ever wanted to come back? Did he ever actually return? Has he ever had the thought of seeing me again?
"So, where's Chenhui now?" Yun suddenly asks again.
"Beijing, maybe? Who cares." Lili's steak arrives, so she answers offhandedly while cutting into it.
Now that I think about it, I haven't seen Chenhui post anything in a while either. I absentmindedly open my feed, curious if there's any New Year's Eve update.
As I scroll, Chao's new post catches me off guard. Rare for him to share personal stuff.
The first photo, unsurprisingly, is that BLUE AWAY Swatch watch I saw just this morning. It's placed right in the center of what looks like a restaurant table, almost ceremoniously. Probably already gifted to his significant other by now.
The second photo is new. A man's back view, likely a casual street snap given the slight blur. He seems tall and is wearing a brown baseball jacket, which is exactly my style. But there's a line of small English text on the back. The low resolution makes it illegible. Hope it doesn't say anything absurd. After all, I've seen plenty of those awkward photos online where people unknowingly wear clothes with embarrassing foreign phrases.
Just then, Lee walks in. Earlier than I expected.
"Sorry I'm late." He jogs over to us, casually placing what he brought next to me on the couch. You can tell artists have higher standards for their gifts, for the packaging is noticeably more refined than what I brought.
I look up, about to ask which one's mine, when I freeze. Lee's wearing a brown baseball jacket. For a second, we're locked in awkward silence.
"What's wrong?" He sits down, shrugging off the coat.
I glance at the back of the jacket. There, in tiny letters:
WE STOLE THE FIRE AND CALLED IT ROCK N' ROLL.
Interesting. The very thing I was puzzling over seconds ago now stares back at me, answered in the most unexpected way.
"Nice coat," I say.
Here he is – Chao's boyfriend. But wait, didn't we meet again at a singles party? Or did they get together after that? Makes sense though, I'd never heard about Chao seeing anyone before.
Suddenly, I've got to admire Chao's decisiveness for he got into a relationship in such a short time. If I were like that, I'd probably succeed at everything.
"Thanks." Lee quirks his mouth slightly.
Before he arrived, I'd even been wondering when I could find some time alone with him to ask about the photo. But now it suddenly doesn't seem that important anymore. Maybe he hasn't been particularly concerned about it this whole week either. Haven't I been telling myself all along that Lee is just my friend now? Then why does my heart feel so tangled up?
For a moment, I suddenly don't understand why Lee has been so nice to me since we met again. Or is this just how he treats everyone now?
Though honestly, what confuses me more is myself.
What exactly do I want?
Watching the three of them enthusiastically discussing the gifts Lee brought, I feel an impulse to just go home.
Maybe I'll try taking a cold shower tonight, to see if that can clear my head a little.