(1)
Fortunately, the workload on the first day of the new year wasn't too heavy. By noon, I had roughly outlined my class schedule for the year, leaving little of importance to do after lunch.
During the meal, we didn't discuss this morning's "coming out" incident at all. Though I could sense a slight awkwardness in the conversation, I was still grateful for how accepting Chao, Lulu, and Kai had been. At one point, I wondered if bringing up the topic myself might ease the tension – at least to let them know I wasn't overly bothered, so they wouldn't have to tread so carefully. But honestly, I couldn't think of anything natural to say, nor did I want to come across as someone who, now that I'd come out, couldn't stop talking about it like a floodgate had been opened.
Oh well. Let it be. Whether it is the stilted conversation or the occasional sideways glances from colleagues, I figure it will all blow over in a day or two. After all, I can't possibly remain under the spotlight forever. A little patience, and it will pass.
With nothing urgent to do all afternoon, I mostly spend my time thinking about how to broach the topic naturally during dinner with Lee and Lili later. But my ability to feign composure isn't even enough to fool Lili over the phone. When I call to invite her, though I think I sound perfectly normal, something in my tone must have given me away. She pauses for two or three seconds before replying simply, "Okay. I'll head over after my meeting with the publisher." No casual back-and-forth about what to eat or whether we should check restaurant reviews first, like usual.
Hanging up, I shove both hands into my coat pockets and lean back in my chair, closing my eyes to rest. Right then, the photo of Lili and Lee sits tucked away in my right pocket.
(2)
Just like yesterday's gathering, I'm once again the first to arrive. With Lili and Lee texting me almost simultaneously saying they'll be here in about ten minutes; I go ahead and order dishes based on what I know everyone likes.
As the waiter brings out the final dish, I see Lili and Lee walking into the restaurant together. Lili must have had an important meeting with the publisher today – normally casual in her style, she's unusually dressed in a well-fitted, light gray tailored suit, her hair pinned up. Lee, on the other hand, is still wearing last night's jacket.
That's some real Rock 'n' Roll style. I think to myself, remembering the phrase printed on the back.
"What's going on, Yang?" Lili sits down and casually opens the small electric rice cooker on the table, serving herself a bowl. Her directness makes the entire afternoon I've spent agonizing over how to broach the topic feel almost laughable.
Lee stays silent, simply sitting beside me and watching.
"Since when are you two so straightforward? No small talk at all?" I find their expectant "go on then" expressions both amusing and endearing.
"Do you think I don't know you? Your tone on the phone made it obvious you had something important to say," Lili chuckles, shaking her head.
Tone. Of course it was the tone that gave me away.
"Nothing that serious, just something I'm curious about." I pull the photo from my pocket and place it on the table between them.
I wonder if they've discussed what I might bring up today. But judging by their exchanged glances, this photo at least wasn't part of any conversation.
"Who took this?" Lili sets down her chopsticks, looking genuinely surprised.
I glance at Lee, then shake my head at her.
Realizing Lili doesn't know about the photos I've received, I recount everything – from ACE tearing the photo off the wall to this morning's office incident – right in front of them.
Lili looks visibly stunned into silence. Lee, reacting much like I did when first seeing the box of photos this morning, asks, "There are more?"
I sigh and nod. "Well, at least we weren't doing anything shady, right?"
"Lili," I turn to her, "I will find out who took these photos. But the reason I asked you here today is to hear it from you and Lee directly – why did you two meet before that party and never tell me?"
A heavy silence falls. Both Lili and Lee lower their eyes, avoiding each other's gaze.
"It was my idea," Lili finally says. "Well, here goes." She glances at Lee.
And so Lili explains. Last summer, she happened to visit ACE with friends and was shocked to find Lee working there. During their conversation, Lee mentioned he was still single, and Lili revealed the same about me. She'd always liked Lee – something I'd sensed even when we were together – and had truly been upset about our breakup. So she'd hatched a plan to reunite us. But knowing me well, she worried I'd refuse to see Lee if I knew her intentions, hence the "chance encounter" at the party.
Listening to her explanation, my emotions feel like a tangled mess. Though I know she means well, my college experiences make me murmur almost involuntarily, "Why is it that every time Lee and I meet, it's because someone planned it?"
Lee, clearly caught off guard, shoots Lili a startled look and then says to me, "Yang. You know it's different."
(3)
It was three months before graduation. At that time, I was completely stressed out by my thesis. Any book in the library that could be found and might be helpful was basically checked out during this period. So on that somewhat overcast afternoon, Lee accompanied me on a bus to a second-hand bookstore about 10 kilometers away from the school.
When I first started college, I had already heard that this bookstore had a wide variety of books. However, the owner was not very diligent in managing it, so the books were not well-organized by category. If you were looking for something specific, you would probably have to spend half a day searching through the chaos. But for those who were just killing time, such a bookstore might actually offer some pleasant surprises. And that day, I was clearly in the former category.
Even though I had mentally prepared myself, I still felt a bit overwhelmed the moment I walked into the bookstore. It was not only large in area, but the bookshelves were also incredibly tall. Even someone as tall as Lee had to stand on tiptoe to reach the books on the top shelves.
My thesis was a comparative study of idioms in Chinese and English, so any book related to this topic was worth taking down and flipping through to see if it could provide any inspiration.
However, the cluttered and tightly packed shelves made my already anxious mood even more irritable. Lee's English was not very good, so asking him to help me find books was really a bit too much to ask. So he just casually browsed through some books that interested him on the side. I don't know if it was his innate sensitivity to art, but any book that Lee pulled out from the shelves, whether it was a novel, non-fiction, geography, or travel book, always had a very unique cover – either with extremely bold color combinations or with a particularly distinctive font for the title.
As I was leaning against the bookshelf, squinting my eyes, and searching for some keywords in the dense text of a huge linguistics book, Lee casually took a book from a shelf not far from me.
"V for Vendetta," he murmured.
Hearing this, I couldn't help but look up in his direction and saw him showing me the cover of the book.
"Was this the one you gave to Chenhui back then?" Lee casually flipped through the book and asked.
I thought for a moment and said, "I don't think so. What I gave him was a box set, so the book inside wouldn't be this big. And I remember…"
I was about to say, and I remember that box set was a limited edition, so it's unlikely to end up in a second-hand bookstore. But as I watched Lee, who was now engrossed in reading a page, I suddenly felt something was off.
"And you remember what?" Lee looked up at me.
I put the brick-like book back in its original place, turned to him, and said, "And I remember that after high school graduation, I never told anyone about this."
Did Lili tell him? But the three of us hadn't met many times together. It was unlikely that Lili had become close enough to Lee to share such a trivial detail from high school. And someone as rational as Lili would surely know that there was no need to tell Lee about my "sweet past" with Chenhui. So who else could it be?
A flash of panic crossed Lee's eyes. He paused, then closed the book and put it back on the shelf.
"Uh… Yang… we…" I had never known before that Lee could be so flustered that he stammered. "Yang, I don't know how to tell you this."
At that moment, the bookstore was getting busier, with people quietly browsing. So I gave Lee a look, signaling that we should go outside to talk.
By that time, it had started to drizzle outside. Spring weather was like that. When the sun was shining brightly, it felt like summer had arrived. But as soon as it rained, it seemed to push people back into winter.
Lee and I sat on a bench by the roadside not far from the bookstore.
"So who told you?" I tried to make my tone sound casual and relaxed.
"Can you promise not to get angry?" Lee kept his head down and didn't look at me.
"I'll try." His words only made me more uncertain. What could it be that would make me angry?
"It was Kena."
For a moment, I felt a bit dazed. Kena. Such a distant name. Chenhui's girlfriend. After that birthday gift incident in high school, I hadn't heard her name again.
"How did you two get to know each other?" I suddenly felt a sense of temporal dislocation. Didn't I meet Lee only after I started college? How could he have any connection to my high school life?
"We were junior high school classmates."
What a small world.
"But why would she talk to you about these things?" As I asked this question, I felt that my subconscious had already guessed part of the answer. "Lili and I never even talked about these things after graduation."
"She called me one day to complain that when Chenhui went to college in Beijing, he took the gift you gave him and left behind the one she gave."
Hearing this, I felt a bit surprised that there was actually a follow-up to this story, and that Lee was the one to tell me about it in this way. Of course, the gifts we gave, although the same thing, were indeed very distinguishable, as the box of the one I gave was broken.
Lee continued, "Kena was very disappointed in their relationship at that time. But she didn't want to give up on Chenhui. So…"
Lee turned to look at me.
"So…?" I didn't know if it was because I was underdressed that day, but my hands had already turned cold.
"But I really did try to persuade her to give up. After all, there are so many guys out there. Why bother with Chenhui…" Lee changed the subject.
"So she sent you… to get close to me?" I cut in, "to make sure I'd never have feelings for Chenhui again, right?" Even as I said it out loud, I could hardly believe the conclusion I had just reached.
I let out a bitter laugh. Lee happened to be at the same university as me. And a tall and handsome guy like him, who wouldn't like him? The setup had just been perfect. And knowing the truth about how it all began felt like opening a Pandora's box. Everything that happened after we met suddenly felt tainted.
"So our relationship was fake from the beginning?" I looked up at the traffic on the road and continued, "Even how we 'met' – was that staged too?"
Lee stayed silent. Silence probably said it all.
"Well, that's really something. You even bought a Robbie Williams album just to get close to me. What a waste of money." I felt like I had many more questions to ask, but it seemed there was no need. The answers were probably exactly what I feared.
"Let's call it here." It seemed like Lee had nothing more to say, so I stood up, slung one strap of my backpack over my shoulder, "I'm heading home today. You should also go back to school early. It's getting late."
Just as I was about to leave, Lee suddenly grabbed my hand, "But I really do like you."
I wanted that to be true.
"I like you too." After saying this, I walked towards the bus stop without looking back.
Funny – we'd never been so straightforward in expressing our feelings when we got together.
For the next few days, neither of us contacted each other. Until one afternoon, when I was in the study area near the library, rushing to make progress on my thesis on my computer, I received a message from him.
Can you forgive me?
Could I? Was there anyone who could tell me the criteria for being able or unable to?
Seeing that I hadn't replied for a long time, he sent another message.
If you choose to break up, then I accept.
This was the last thing I wanted to see. It was also something I had been thinking about these past few days. Recalling every moment I had with him, I had undoubtedly invested in this relationship. Now, to let go immediately, I was definitely reluctant. But that staged beginning of our relationship felt like a fish bone stuck in the throat. Because you couldn't remove it, you had to constantly feel it. So I was really afraid that in the future, all the joys and sorrows we would experience would make me involuntarily think that it was all an act.
So, fine.
Wishing you all the best after graduation.
I replied.
Lee didn't respond.
The last time I saw him before graduation was on the day we took our graduation photos. We weren't in the same major, so I only brushed past him, who was wearing a graduation gown in a different color scheme than mine, when rushing to the spot where my class was lining up for the photo. I smiled at him, and he smiled back and nodded at me.
I never expected that after this parting, we would meet again six years later, at that singles party.