My fingers are feeling the texture of this soft plastic earth model. I am so lost in my thoughts staring the green lines on the earth ball. I don't even know what I am thinking, I'm just quiet I know for now but why? I don't know this "why." Suddenly the earth scattered into pieces by the hit of the ball. One second the earth was just in front of me, all good, but the next second it is shattered in pieces on my wooden floor. And I'm in aggressive mood today, bad for him.
"Watch yourself Ren!"
No, that's not enough. He needs this.
"I'm not going to give your ball unless my mood is fixed. You should be careful enough to think. Well you would've plenty of time now."
"Lavin no please. I swear I'll not do this again but please return me the ball." He does this every time, every time he plays outside my room, breaks my accessories, listens to music with high volume and then pleads in front of me. But he has affection for this cheap, dirty ball therefore he started crying.
"Ok but this will seriously be the last time."
"Yes, I promise, thanks."
"Hm, I'm your elder sister so just don't forget this."
"No, I will never."
I know he was not serious but I love him and I don't want to be rude to him. But why anyone else does not think of me like this way? Has anyone ever wondered that their actions, words may have hurt me? As far as I know me I always care for my words and actions and expect others to be the same. Yes these fucking expectations. Where there are expectations there is heart break, pain, so one should never think of being happy and having expectations at the same time because there can only be one thing.
I started collecting the pieces of my model. I love my things also. No doubt if they are non-living but still I believe they have feelings and I feel for them. They also deserve care and responsibility. And now it has been one hour and 37 minutes I couldn't find the last, smallest piece. Great now I'll clean the whole room just because of that Ren.
"Hi Emma! Sorry my phone was silent I didn't see your call because I was cleaning up the mess my little sweet brother has just created for me." I think I just threw my whole aggression on her. "Oh you seemed quite grumpy. Are you busy right now?" What the hell! I just told her I'm cleaning up. "No, nothing important."
"Good then I'll be waiting for you in the class. Just don't be late as always, okay?"
"Yes I know."
"Good for you ok then see ya!"
"Ok." Like seriously, I was just 2 minutes late and Mr. Kim was like I reached before 2 minutes by the end of the leacture. My eyes for searching for him that day, every where but I didn't see him and when I did in my English class he was there with his friends and during all that time I just wanted one thing that may he look at me. He never does even when I pray God hard for just his one stare he would not. Has he really never felt that I'm kind of interested in him? No, actually the question should be have I ever shown him any signals? I obviously haven't because I'm extremely introvert, even more than my friends think I'm. I would literally wait for him outside the class, in the corridor, in the café, in the common room but I never found him looking at me or may be it's not because I'm not attractive enough for him but he is not an observant person. And this is how I always cover myself from being a coward for not even talking to him.
"Lavin! Your bus has arrived. You didn't even have your breakfast yet."
"Sorry mom! But it's your son's mistake."
"Don't blame others for your laziness. You are always late."
I didn't respond to this one because she always yells at me and if I would response she would be like I was rude to her, I don't have basic manners to talk to parents. But why these parents never think that they can also be wrong at sometimes and admitting their mistakes doesn't make them small. People say children learn from their surroundings, their parents. If our parents feel ashamed for apologizing then what are we expected to learn from them?
"You looking good today."
"What do you mean today? Do you observe me daily?"
"Um may be. You can say if you like this."
"You are quite a stranger to me and you have started flirting with me? Are you in your senses??"
My tone becomes more aggressive at such moments and I seriously don't even know from where that type of energy comes.
"No! you're taking it wrong, I was just complimenting."
"This was the answer you could have given me before so that you don't have to see my this phase but any how it's good for you."
And then he just left. This is what most people do to me. When they have nothing else to say they would leave quietly because I don't left them being able to say a word to me. No doubt he was a complete stranger but I felt bad to speak in that tone. Sometimes I really wish I could get rid of this tone but then I realize that this tone is important for some people to keep them in their place. Now again I'm late for my English class but good thing is I have a hope as always that today we may have any eye contact or else looking at him would be enough for me.