"I wouldn't say I have a good memory, I just never forget things." Lin Si, 12, to an underground martial artist
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For a moment, the killing intent surged higher, his eyes almost completely blood shot, thoughts of tearing her apart, into pieces, ripping her bone from bone flew through his mind, when suddenly her voice broke through again.
"Can't you see the problem now?"
What?
Her eyes gazed into him. "You want to kill me, you will kill me, easily, right now, why? Cause I hunted a random bird? Don't you see? You have so much rage and sorrow boiled up inside you, you can't keep holding it inside forever, it will just cultivate worse and worse, until one day it explodes, like just now. It's fine if you kill me, but what if one day it's your brother? What if one day you lose control, and kill the last person you love in this world?"
He paused, the killing intent was cooling, restraining itself. Not enough.
"Stop living this way, Li Junlong. You can't not smile forever, you can't expect yourself to never feel joy another day in your life, think about those around you now, not just those who are gone…"
His hands gripped her wrists tighter, even with her qi circulation, she knew they would be badly bruised, but she ignored it, continuing to gaze at him, silently. "You can't live like this forever, it will kill you, and it will kill your family, so, stop it."
"Then what?" He finally snarled, his voice was low, and hissing, he looked up again, malice in his eyes, "What should I do? What am I supposed to do with this wrath, this hurt? You, who has had such a perfect life, you can't imagine living like I have, and yet you advise me on how to get rid of hatred you've never had? Get rid of sorrow you've never experienced?" His voice raised to a yell, spit splatted onto her face, so thick it was trailing down it. "What can you do! Nothing! You don't know anything! It never goes away! It never lessens! It will haunt me till the day I die!" His voice quieted again, he leaned forward, his lips whispering into her ear, much too loudly. "And you know, I want it to, I never want to live a day where I am not suffering as my parents did. I never want to live a day happy, when I don't deserve such a thing!"
It was finally quiet again. Before she finally spoke, quietly, his cheek was still against hers. "Then does he deserve to be happy, that brother of yours?"
She drew a deep breath in. "By your logic, it seems no one deserves to be happy if something happened to them in the past. But then, why are you living, you aren't living for happiness, you are living to avenge your parents, then what? Care for your brother? What if one day he dies? You know he's sick."
The grip tightened again, he was angry.
"Or, what if one day he gets better, and leaves you, gets married, has children, what then?"
She wasn't sure how to speak to him. It was true, she hadn't gone through things like he had but…She'd seen things. She'd seen countless things. She'd lost people, people close to her. She'd hurt those she cared about most without even hesitating. "The longer you let the hatred of your enemies live inside you, control you, consume you, the more your enemies have already destroyed you. You are living worse than them right now. Right now, they are laughing, playing, living good lives. But you here, are miserable, every day, not one moment is spent in peace or joy. Why? Why do you let them have control over you like this? As for your sorrow, think, just think, why do so many humans still live, while there are so many dead in the ground? Isn't it because living is still worth it, even after others die, think about those around you right now, hold onto them. If you only hold onto those of the past, those of the present, you will have no time or energy for them. You are bigger than this, you are better than them all, you don't deserve this." She fell silent again. "You say you have no way to quell sadness, but by hanging with your brother everyday, it seems you can't be sad when he's there, you say you have no way to quell your rage, and yet, doesn't it disappear, some evenings, when in the woods, while listening to the birds? Your rage doesn't control you, no your rage shouldn't control you, because that would be what the enemy wants anyway, live, live so happily they don't believe they can hurt you, live so peacefully, they are like dust in your eyes, worthless of your thoughts. Live so vicariously they can't believe you are not held back by your trauma. Because you are bigger than them. Aren't you the no. 1 in the world? Where is your pride? You really want to say those ants can remove a smile from your face?"
"I don't want to." He finally responded. His grip had weakened. And his killing intent had dissipated, almost to nothing, his head bowed, his eyes facing the ground, his forehead laying against her shoulder. "I don't want to."
"Why?"
"My parents…in their graves, they…the enemy, is still al…the vengeance hasn't been done, so I…" suddenly he realized it was rather hard to say exactly why he didn't want to let go of his rage. Until it struck him: "...but what if I forget?" What if by forgetting his rage, he would stop his crusade to avenge his parents, what if the blood debt wasn't paid. What if he fell into contentment and forgot his duty?
Lin Si kissed his ear. "You won't forget, I'll make sure of that." She whispered into it.
Li Junlong left her, silently walking away. She hoped she had at least gotten him to think. Just a little. She rubbed her wrists, they were forming blotchy red marks already, and she could tell they'd turn to deep black and blues soon. Tch. Whatever.
After a good moment, she returned to the table where Li Junli had been left alone.
She sat down, where Li Junlong had sat, and whined a little. "Can I play against you now?"
Li Junli smiled happily at her return, nodding, and immediately wiping the board to start over.
"I saw that," she joked. "You were just looking for an excuse to throw that match, I saw the way you locked yourself in there, hah."
Li Junli grinned. "No, no, never, never."
However, as she put down her tile first, he suddenly caught sight of her wrist, from beneath her sleeve, he reached out his hand, and grabbed it, softly. She felt his grip, glancing over curiously, to find him staring at her wrist. At first she thought it was the old scar, then she remembered the bright red blotches, she wanted to pull it back and hide it, but it was too late, so she just let him touch her.
"Don't worry about it." She commented offhandedly.
"Did my brother do this?" Li Junli actually looked angry, she glanced at him, smiled a little, and put down her stone.
"I said, don't worry about it."
Li Junli immediately curled his fingers into a fist, "No! Why did he do that to you?!"
She sighed, leaning back. "I made him angry, it was my fault, so don't sweat it, your turn."
Li Junli glanced at her, he was angry at his brother, but also conflicted. "My brother, he would never do that, to anyone, why did he hurt you???"
Lin Si sighed, standing up, annoyed, she stepped closer, placing a hand on his arm stand, she leaned over him. "Your beloved big brother, is a murderer, his hands are stained with the blood of several, he is a marital artist, and has been fighting for his life since childhood. Your brother, don't think for one breath that he is a gentle man like he shows to you. He will never turn on you, that I can say, but don't ever believe he won't hurt another." She suddenly turned around, thinking to walk away. Ugh, did it really hurt her to be hurt by him? Really? Was she this weak? Hah, I guess I am that weak. She concluded. I am a little mad that he hurt me, even if I asked for it.
She sighed again, "It was my fault."
Suddenly she felt a soft, weak hand grip hers a little. "No, no, I'm sorry, whatever my brother did, I'll, I'll protect you, so from now on, just stay by me!" Li Junli tried, he didn't really understand, he rarely understood anything, but he did know that he liked this sister-in-law, she made his and his brother's days happier, and he didn't want his brother to chase her away just because of trauma from the past.
Lin Si, turned around, a grin on her face, suddenly she knelt down, grabbing his hand to look up at him dramatically, her eyes watered, "You'll protect me? Really?"
Suddenly Li Junli blushed. Right, he was bedridden, saying he would protect someone, was kind of ridiculous.
"Thank you so much!" Lin Si proclaimed, laying her head on his lap, "This humble one, will rely on you from now on!"
She was being overly dramatic, but it also made him feel good about his earlier comment, rather than ridiculous.
"Yes!" he claimed, rubbing her head excitedly. "This esteemed one, will protect his slave well!"
She laughed, and he remembered once again what she once said: "Isn't it marvelous that such a man can make others so happy, all these martial artists, how many people have they made happy in their lives, how many live as vibrantly as he?" He smiled as well, yes, he couldn't protect people from getting stabbed to death, or even protect them from hunger or the wild beasts, but he could protect their smiles, he could protect them from losing hope. He could protect them from sadness.
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Lin Si went to town to grab some ingredients, madam Wang handing her a list, as she went back to work. Li Junlong had disappeared off somewhere, so she didn't dare to go to him yet.
Entering town it was still overly crowded, several places were under construction as well, and merchants coming in were abundant. She sighed and also smiled. Why was it every time she went somewhere something like this happened?
She began to walk towards the grocery market, but as she did so, she happened to pass by a tea shop, glancing in a familiar face caught her eye, she turned away from the road, to say hello.
"Yo, old man, how's life today?" She greeted enthusiastically.
Sage Gongli scoffed. "So back to being rude again, didn't take you long."
She shrugged, sitting across from him. "It's too much a pain, and you didn't seem bothered by it before either, just gotta put up the show in front of others you know." She couldn't be seen as not respecting her elders by her future husband, afterall.
He grunted, he didn't seem as happy as before when he met her. "There is something I need to ask you actually."
"Yes?" she asked curiously, ordering some tea as well.
"Are you in Li Junlong's cohort?"
"Say what?" She was confused. "Well I wouldn't really say I'm all that, but I am living in his house right now."
"So your lot isn't with him in the end?" He clarified.
She shook her head, "Not yet," she still had a family to go back to after all. He looked relieved at this, which got her curious. "Yo, old man, the court and the Xu family have always worked together since forever ago, the Xu family standing as the court's blade, so maybe you can answer a question of mine."
He nodded for her to continue.
"Why has the Xu family stopped sending efforts to kill Li Junlong, in fact, why did they do it in the first place?"
The old man sighed, setting down his tea and crossing his fingers… "The second reason is an incredibly dangerous secret for the current world, and part of the reason for the first question. This, I can tell you some things about it, but, beware of mentioning a word of it to Li Junlong."