*** Locker room
I felt my gut twist into a knot as I walked into the locker room. I really didn't want to face Phoenix. I'm honestly getting tired of this ongoing thing between us. I want to say something... and maybe I should. I've never been good at confrontation, but this has got to stop, it's not healthy. As I walked towards my locker, Phoenix was at his own locker putting on the schools gym uniform. It was a burnt shade of orange with black stripes going from the shoulders to the base of the t-shirts sleeve. Somehow he made it look good, maybe it was just his physique, but it never looked as good on me.
He locked eyes with me when I walked by, not saying anything. He never usually did until after class, which is what I dreaded the most. I exhaled as if I had been holding my breath the entire time, undoing the lock on my locker, turning the dial to the correct numbers, then gave it a soft tug. Click. I quickly put my gym clothes on, shoving the clothes I had been wearing prior into my locker, along with my bag which I hung up on a hook before closing and locking it up again. I tried not to make eye contact with Phoenix as I walked into the gymnasium
*** Gymnasium
Just from seeing the nets up, I knew we were going to be playing volleyball. Kota was gonna love this I already knew. She was the best at volleyball, she was the team captain of the volleyball team for a reason. Dakota was already in the gym as I walked in. She waved at me with a big grin on her face and I could tell she was excited which made me chuckle a little. I walked over to her and we talked a little since class hadn't quite started yet. Ayden walked in a few moments before the bell rang as usual. When he spotted us he jogged over, standing next to me.
Mr. Anderson took attendance, marking off anyone that was missing then set the paper down, continuing with class. He split everyone into four different teams. I was paired with a lot of people I didn't know, but there was someone I kinda did? Rory. He didn't really talk much honestly so I didn't know a thing about him. Well, besides the fact he's obsessed with video games and that Ayden is his friend.
Each team had eight people, one team would go against another then the other two teams on the sidelines would go against each other. First to twenty-five points. The team I was on was currently on the bench with the opposing team, waiting for our match. Dakota was on one side of the net with her team while Ayden and Phoenix were on the other side with theirs. Kota had the first serve.
I watched as they played, hitting the ball back and forth— some going out of bounds on either side from time to time, mostly on Ayden's side, not because they weren't very good but because Dakota was really holding her team together.
"C'mon guys you can do it!" Dakota's enthusiastic cheers echoed through the gym.
The points were in their favor. 20. Five more to go. The other team was at 13 points and had pretty much accepted their defeat at this point— at least most of them by the looks on their faces. My eyes kept drifting to Ayden. He always had this effect on me every time I looked at him, even if he wasn't looking at me. It made all my anxiety wash away. My heart stuttered a little as I felt butterflies rising up inside of my stomach. Damnit, why does he do this to me.
It wasn't long before the whistle blew for their match to be over, Dakota's side winning in a landslide. 15 to 25. Everyone switched places, the people who just played sat and watched from the benches. I wasn't terrible at volleyball but I always got nervous especially when people were watching me do anything.
Rory stood in the back with me, along with some other girl I didn't know. He was only taller than me by a couple of inches, I wanna say 5'8"? He had freckles all over his body— and to point out the obvious again, those dark eyebags underneath his eyes. I could just tell he hadn't had a good night's sleep in god knows how long.
I hadn't actually talked to him, he was just always around Ayden. I'm guessing a best friend or something, not sure. It just seems like they've known each other for a long time. I wanted to say something to him, maybe try to get to know him, but decided against it for now. I stayed at the back, hitting the ball as it came towards me. The points were 10 to 15. We were losing. By the end of our match I had started to loosen up a bit, feeling the adrenaline rush through me. We had caught up by this point, now both sides being at a tie. We were 24 to 24.
On the final point, they put me in charge of the serve which made me nervous but I took the initiative, throwing the ball up into the air and smacking it head on with the palm of my hand, spiking it as hard as I could so the other team would be thrown off guard. The other team's shoes squeaked across the flooring as they lunged and tried to hit the ball. They miss. The volleyball bounces across the floor as Mr. Anderson's whistle blows, ending the game.
Everyone on my team cheered, giving me a pat on the back or a simple thumbs up to show their appreciation. It was good to finally have a win for once. To make other people proud of me. Rory walked over to me, hands inside of his pockets with a blank expression across his face. He usually looked like that, so it was hard to tell what he was going to say.
"Hey, nice serve man." He put a fist out, motioning for me to do the same. I put my fist out, giving him a fist bump.
"Thanks, I appreciate it." I replied back, trying not to sound too awkward.
He nodded and walked off towards the locker room as soon as the bell rang, dragging Ayden along with him in a hurry to get to lunch. "C'mon man, I'm not waiting on you–" I heard him trail off as he got further away. Ayden looked back at me as they sped away, waving his hand as he mouthed the words, 'See you at the table.'
I shuffled my way into the locker room, bracing myself for the conversation I was about to have with Phoenix. I felt my heart sink deeper into my stomach as I walked to my locker. There were still people around getting dressed in a hurry so I knew it wouldn't be long before it would be just us again. I start to undo my lock again, seeing from my peripheral just Phoenix's head peering from on top of the scurrying students that passed in between us.
I felt a lump in my throat as I swallowed, opening my locker and taking my clothes out before I started to get dressed. I shoved my gym clothes back into my locker, putting on some of my cologne especially since I wasn't planning on taking a quick rinse today. I grabbed my bag and guitar case as I started to make my way into the bathroom stall we always met up in— at least ever since this has been going on.
Everyone was gone by this time, and a few moments later— three knocks on the stall. I opened it as Phoenix stepped inside. It was silent for a while before either of us said anything.
"I...I don't want to do this anymore." I say, trying not to let the shakiness in my voice take control. I look away, clenching the strap of my backpack tighter.
Phoenix steps closer, making my back press up against the wall of the stall. I started to slowly look up at him, scared of what I would see. His face looked angry— but not just that. Disappointed.
"I know how you look at him. You know he doesn't want you like that right? He can't protect you." He pauses and mumbles something through gritted teeth. His voice is so low I can't make out what he said. He scoffs, shaking his head before stepping away.
Before I get the chance to respond, our heads both snap towards the sound of a door closing. Oh god— did somebody hear our conversation? I hold my breath; just waiting, listening. It was probably just Mr. Anderson coming back in from the gym. When I exhaled, I turned towards Phoenix.
"I'm not going to be someone you can use to your own desire and then be treated like shit the next day—" I sighed, looking down at my feet. "....And I don't want to use you that way either." I knew he wasn't completely to blame for everything, like I hadn't been using him to fulfill my own needs as well. "I'm not going to tell anyone about.... whatever the hell is going on with you, I mean that. Just leave me alone Phoenix. Please." I said, my voice slightly exasperated. When he didn't say anything, I picked my guitar case up; gripping onto my backpack tighter than ever as I walked out of the stall, leaving Phoenix behind— my words hanging in the air like a thick fog.
*** Cafeteria
Everyone was already sitting down eating. Skyler was sitting down next to Dakota; Rory next to Ayden. I took my seat down next to Ayden, pulling my lunch box from out of my bag before putting it on the table in front of me. I was still on edge but tried my best to compose myself.
Ayden was doodling in his sketchbook again, still working on the drawing I saw from second period. His hand moved smoothly across the page in quick, swift movements. His brows were furrowed into a focused expression, biting his lip with concentration.
After a moment he lifted his head, finally noticing my presence. "Oh hey Ez, sorry– kinda got distracted." He closed his sketchbook, putting it back into his bag. He turned to face me, his knee brushing slightly against mine. "You okay?"
I wasn't— not really anyway. But I couldn't say that, of course. I gave my best convincing 'everything's-just-peachy' smile before taking a bite of my ham and cheese sandwich, giving him a thumbs up. I hoped it was convincing enough considering people could always read through me— at least Kota could.
Suddenly, I hear Rory's voice yelling and cursing to himself. "YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME— GOD DAMNIT I JUST LOST MY NUZLOCKE—" He groans loudly, faceplanting onto the table. "I gotta do this shit all over again now.. fuck man." He says, mumbling against his arm. "I was so fucking close —" He focuses his attention back onto his screen, angrily fidgeting with the buttons.
"H-huh? What was that all about?" I asked Ayden curiously, eating the last bite of my sandwich.
He lets out an amused chuckle, smirking a little to himself. "Ah, yeah, it's just a Pokémon game he's really into. I've gotten used to hearing him by now, I kinda just tune it out." He teases a little, nudging Rory in the arm. Rory rolls his eyes, half listening to what's being said.
I smiled a bit, fidgeting with the sleeve of my sweater. "So, you guys have been friends for a while now then, huh?" I was curious, but hoped I wasn't being too nosy. I poked a hole into my caprisun, gulping the juice down in a few moments.
He lets out a small laugh, the corners of his lips curling into a smile. "Did I not tell you? We're actually cousins." He pulls out his phone, showing a picture of Rory and him side by side next to one of those signs that say 'must be this tall to ride.' Ayden's arm rested on top of Rory's shoulder, being quite a few inches taller than him. They looked like they were about twelve. "Rory wasn't tall enough to go on." He chuckled more. "I felt bad so I didn't go on either. Besides I didn't want to go on without him." I look at the image of them. Rory had this annoyed expression on his face while Ayden grinned widely at the camera, using the arm that wasn't resting on Rory's shoulder to hold up a peace sign. He looked so happy.
I chuckled, smiling softly as the bell rang for lunch to end— my smile quickly fading as I felt the dread start rushing back. Students groaned from across the cafeteria, shuffling their way out the doors with their friends latched to their sides.
*** Music Class
Ayden walked me to class as usual. I kept my guitar glued to my side as we passed by the rushing students. We finally arrived at my class stopping before we reached the door. Ayden looked at my guitar case, scratching the back of his neck.
"You know, I've never actually heard you play before," He flicks his eyes back up to mine before quickly looking away. "Maybe you could play me somethin' sometime." He adds as he shrugs, stuffing his hands into his hoodie pocket.
I feel my face heat up, looking down at my feet, gripping the handle tighter. I never played in front of anyone before. It was my first year actually being in a music class, especially since I'd only recently started learning guitar over the summer. I always stayed in the back of class so nobody bothered me... so nobody could hear me.
Until Skyler came along, she had been one of the only people to actually hear me play, besides Dakota. Although, I was never good at playing when other people watched. Guess that was going to have to change sooner or later— considering the first big project of the year was to learn a new song and play it in front of the class.
I realized I'd been zoning out in my thoughts for a while before I snapped out of it, letting out an awkward chuckle. "I'm... really not that good." I replied back, shyly. "I... don't think you'd like it very much."
Ayden rolled his eyes playfully, giving my shoulder a playful shove. "Don't sell yourself short, Ez. I'm sure you're better than you think." His words hang in the air for a moment, and I can tell he genuinely believes it.
His words left my stomach in a knot, repeating over and over like a broken track. The bell rang shortly after, cueing him to jog off to his next period as I walked into mine, sitting down in the corner seat of the classroom. Mr. Erickson gave us our time to work on our project. "Hopefully you've all decided a song you want to learn, or have gotten close so you can begin memorizing and learning the notes for the song you chose for your upcoming project in two months." He trails off as the class begins to flip through pages of their packets— some already knowing what song they wanted, others still contemplating.
For me, my song choice was a classic, one of the easier songs to learn— Wonderwall by Oasis. I'd already started learning some of it during the summer, so it felt fitting. Skyler and I practiced together in the back, since the drumset sat snuggly in the corner. It was the furthest away from everyone, and the loudest. It made me feel less anxious playing my guitar in front of people. Mr. Erickson allowed anyone to pair up if they wanted to play the same song together— which made me feel better about the whole 'performing in front of everybody' thing.
Before I knew it, the bell had rung for class to be over. I put the music packet into my bag as I gently placed my guitar back into its case, clicking the latch shut. I started to make my way towards the door before hearing my name coming from behind me.
"Ziek! Hey, wait up!" Skyler rushes towards me, her drumsticks grasped firmly in her hand. She had a hello kitty bag slung over her left shoulder, an Invaders Zim's t-shirt with a black and white sleeved shirt underneath paired with a cheetah print mini skirt, black ripped tights with black and brown fur boots. She hunched over when she caught up to me, her pink and black dyed hair falling down in front of her face. She took a few deep breaths, holding up her index finger before she stood up, flipping her bangs out of her eyes.
"H-Hey, sorry—" She tilts her head to the side slightly, putting a piece of hair behind her ear. "S-so um, I was wondering— this might be weird coming from me but, is.... Dakota single?" She laughs awkwardly, clearly embarrassed she was even asking. "I mean— haha.... just asking for a friend, y-you know?" She fiddles with the drumsticks in her hand.
My face lit up slightly, not expecting to be asked that. "Oh– um, yeah she's — she's single." I replied back, not wanting to get too far into Kota's relationship life. I knew about her past relationship— the one she was in before she realized she was gay. It didn't end well from what I can remember.
She nods quickly, her face turning red underneath her bangs before she quickly replied, "Okay, s-sweet. Thanks." She smiled a little, waving her hand as she scurried away and around the corner.
*** Math
On the way to math, I felt sick to my stomach. The anxiety of seeing Phoenix again after the locker room was agonizing. I didn't dare look up to meet his gaze, which I instantly felt burn into me as I walked into the classroom and towards my desk, sitting down. I heard the sound of my heart pounding inside of my ears. I pulled my journal out, trying to focus on anything but this. My hand moved across the page.
You hide behind a broken mask
What is real, I have to ask?
You hide behind your words of steel
Which makes me question what is real
Please just stop before I crack
My heart can't take another attack
I shut my journal quickly, sighing to myself. My eyes drift down to the untouched worksheet Mrs. Dobson passed out at the beginning of class. I kept glancing at the clock. We were only 28 minutes into the period. I bounced my leg anxiously underneath my desk, trying to focus long enough to finish this worksheet. By the time I was finished with both sides of the paper, there was fifteen minutes left. I stood up, walking to the front of the classroom to turn in my paper. I kept my head low, not wanting to lock eyes with Phoenix— as I already knew he was watching me.
I made my way back to my seat, opening my journal up again, doodling a few drawings on the page as I waited for the bell to ring. My thoughts didn't stray away from the time, just waiting and watching as the minutes went down. I put my journal away three minutes before the bell rang. I kept ahold of my guitar case, which was next to my desk, my bag already slung up on my shoulder. As soon as the bell rang I booked it out of there as fast as possible. As I made my way out to the bus, I noticed Phoenix following behind me which made me wonder if he was going to say something. I felt nauseous as I hesitated to look at him, my eyes glancing to meet his. His face was tensed up, parting his lips as if about to say something— but then he looked around before he shook his head, walking away.
*** Home
I went to bed without dinner again. The anxiety made it hard to eat, or sleep... or do anything really. I tried to not make my parents worry. Told them I wasnt feeling well and that I was going to bed early. In reality, I've just been lying in bed, wide awake— unable to sleep. I just hoped the party would be as fun as it seemed. Even then, spending the night with Ayden would be good enough too.
I covered my face with my hands, blushing. I need to stop thinking this way. There's nothing between us. We're just friends, that's it. I turned to my side, deciding to plug my headphones in, hoping to sooth myself to sleep. Eventually my eyes fluttered shut, the racing thoughts subsiding as I drifted off into my dreams, forgetting reality for just a little while.