Chapter 1 : The Worst First Day Ever
Maruyama Qifeng's eyes snapped open like a Windows 95 computer finally booting up.
Great. Rain. Because nothing says 'welcome to your new life' like depressing weather.
The room looked like a discount haunted house—flickering candlelight, damp walls, and oh yeah, dead bodies scattered around like the world's most morbid slumber party. If this was someone's idea of interior decorating, they definitely needed to reconsider their career choices.
Where the hell am I?
Memories crashed into his brain like a drunk driver hitting a brick wall. Oh. OH. Time travel. Because of course it was time travel. Couldn't be something simple like waking up late for work.
This was the Naruto world. You know, that delightfully cheerful place where child soldiers throw sharp objects at each other for fun and family bonding usually involves some form of genocide.
Fantastic.
He was apparently a ninja now. Well, technically a Genin, which in the ninja hierarchy was basically the equivalent of being the guy who gets coffee for everyone else. But wait, it gets better—his job was corpse collector.
From office worker to professional dead body janitor. What a career upgrade.
While other ninjas were out there living their best anime protagonist lives, throwing fireballs and having dramatic rooftop fights, he was stuck playing hide-and-seek with rigor mortis. The ninja world's version of "essential worker," except instead of keeping society running, he kept it... well, properly buried.
At least the job security's good. People die reliably in this world.
Apparently, dead bodies were like ninja Happy Meals—they came with prizes inside. Secret jutsu, bloodline limits, classified information, the works. Every village had their own corpse collection squad because nobody wanted their secret techniques ending up on the enemy's Pinterest board.
During peacetime (what a concept), he also did corpse beautification. Because even in death, presentation mattered. "Sorry for your loss, but your husband's looking a little rough around the edges. Let me just... fix that gaping chest wound for the viewing."
His backstory was about as cheerful as you'd expect: orphan, dead parents courtesy of warfare, mediocre ninja skills that peaked at "can throw pointy stick in general direction of enemy." The morgue gig was basically the ninja world's equivalent of "would you like fries with that?"
Living the dream, really.
As he surveyed his new workplace—because who doesn't love their office being filled with corpses—something caught his eye. A little white light was hovering over one of the bodies like a discount Christmas ornament.
Is that... a soul? Do I tip it? What's the etiquette here?
He knew souls existed in this world. Orochimaru had basically written the user manual on soul-related shenanigans, along with some very questionable life choices and an unhealthy obsession with body swapping.
Note to self: avoid pale snake people.
Suddenly, a blue transparent screen popped up in front of him like the world's most morbid video game interface.
[White corpse, success rate 90%, would you like to loot the body? (Attempts: 3/3, Daily limit: 9/9)]
A yes/no button appeared, because apparently even interdimensional death-related systems believed in user-friendly interfaces.
Well, this is either my golden ticket or the fastest way to get haunted.
A system! A honest-to-god cheat system! Sure, he was stuck in a world where the life expectancy was roughly equivalent to a mayfly's, but at least he had video game mechanics on his side.
He looked at the corpse in front of him and felt... fond of it?
No. Nope. Not going down that road. That way lies madness and very uncomfortable conversations with HR.
Scanning the morgue, he noticed that every body had these little lights—white, green, yellow—like a morbid traffic light system.
He wandered over to a green-light special. The guy was wearing the classic Uchiha colors, complete with their fancy fan logo. Normally, clans like the Uchiha handled their own dead because bloodline limits were basically ninja intellectual property.
But this poor bastard never awakened his Sharingan. The Uchiha equivalent of being the only person in your family who can't roll their tongue.
[Green corpse, success rate 60%, would you like to loot the body? (Attempts: 3/3, Daily limit: 9/9)]
Colors probably mean rarity levels. This isn't just grave robbing, it's grave robbing with RPG mechanics.
The only yellow light in the entire place belonged to someone he recognized—Miura, a veteran Jonin who'd been around since the Hokage was just a regular ninja with commitment issues.
If guys like Miura are ending up here, things are about to get very, very messy.
[Yellow corpse, success rate 30%, would you like to loot the body? (Attempts: 3/3, Daily limit: 9/9)]
30% chance? Those are terrible odds. But then again, this is probably the only time I'll see a Jonin-level loot box.
He selected yes with all the confidence of someone about to make a very poor financial decision.
[FAILED!]
[FAILED!]
Are you kidding me?
One more try. This was his last shot at hitting the jackpot before he had to go back to fondling Genin-tier corpses.
[SUCCESS! Obtained: Konoha Jonin Miura Ichigo Experience Card (Rare)!]
Finally! Though 'Ichigo'? Really? What's next, a ninja named Naruto?
He couldn't feel any immediate changes, which was disappointing. He'd been hoping for at least some instant muscles or sudden knowledge of how to look cool while jumping between trees.
After some interface exploration that would make any gamer proud, he found his character stats:
Character: Maruyama Qifeng
Age: 13
Attribute: Fire
Strength: Genin
Taijustu: 10
Chakra: 12
Ninjustu: 12
Genjustu: 5
Control: 15
Hand Seals: 15
Ninjutsu: Three Body Techniques
These stats are about as impressive as a wet paper bag.
But that experience card was sitting in his inventory like a golden ticket. Time to try his luck with the Uchiha corpse.
[SUCCESS! Obtained: Random +2 Single Attribute Improvement Card!]
Not bad, not bad.
[SUCCESS! Obtained: Uchiha Clan Rare Bloodline Card (1/3)!]
Holy shit.
The Sharingan. The eye technique so overpowered it basically turned the entire series into "Uchiha Family Drama: The Animation." He needed three cards total, but still—this was like finding out your scratch-off lottery ticket was worth something.
The card description was ominous as hell: *"This is a cursed bloodline. Once used, there will be no turning back."
Cursed bloodline? What's the worst that could happen? Family genocide? Chronic angst? An inexplicable attraction to revenge plots?
Worth it.
His third attempt failed, but he wasn't complaining. Two out of three wasn't bad for someone whose luck usually peaked at "found a penny on the sidewalk."
For his remaining attempts, he picked the prettiest female corpse in the room. Hey, if you're going to loot bodies, might as well have standards.
[SUCCESS! Obtained: Standard Kunai!]
[SUCCESS! Obtained: Exquisite Earrings!]
[SUCCESS! Obtained: Women's Underwear Set!]
What the actual—
Okay, the kunai makes sense. The earrings are weird but explainable. But underwear? What kind of loot system thinks underwear is appropriate battlefield drops?
He was still staring at his inventory in bewilderment when footsteps echoed outside. Two figures appeared in the doorway: a medical ninja in a white coat and a short kid with silver hair, dead eyes, and a mask that screamed "I have issues."
"Kakashi," the medical ninja was saying, "the Hokage wants your team to handle the burial since your teammate was an orphan—"
He stopped mid-sentence, eyes widening in horror as he took in the scene: Maruyama standing over a female corpse with his hand conspicuously placed on her chest.
Kakashi's visible eye narrowed with the kind of judgment usually reserved for people who put pineapple on pizza.
This looks really, really bad.
The silence stretched on like the world's most uncomfortable elevator ride. Maruyama's brain scrambled for an explanation that didn't involve "I was magically looting her corpse for underwear."
Instead, his mouth decided to go completely rogue and blurted out the first thing that popped into his head:
"Long time no see, Kakashi! Hey, quick question—where's your dad buried?"
"..."
Did I just ask the kid with daddy issues about his dead father's grave location?
I'm going to die. Not from ninja battles or war or any of the normal ways people die in this world. I'm going to die from making the single most inappropriate conversation starter in human history.
Kakashi's eye twitched. The medical ninja looked like he was reconsidering every life choice that had led him to this moment.
Yep. Definitely going to die.