December 31st 2037
I stared out into the sunset, it was beautiful, really. Though I have always preferred whenever the sun would rise. Because whenever the sun rose, that meant that I could see the man that was in front of me once more.
"This is rather romantic, isn't it?" I joked, squeezing out a self-deprecating smile as I looked up at the man that held my hand, as for I knew I would not receive an answer.
He simply looked down at me and released my hand, I had to admit, it -it was funny, really, just then I…
I had wish he would have held it just for a little while longer. I had wished he had looked at me just for a little while longer…
…
I felt my eyes drooped as my gaze followed down to see him untie his shoes, before bending over to do the same, though, I didn't let my sight run astray from him just as a sudden thought ran through my mind.
If belief in a God is human and if all I can do as human is to believe, then… Would it be so wrong to see this man as my savior?
I turned my head back down to my shoes.
It has already been so many years since I've long shed my religious beliefs yet the fear of something omnipotent and omniscient continue to linger at the back of my mind.
No matter how many times I had prayed to a God and no matter how many times I've went on my knees and begged for salvation -it never came, yet this man who had no ties to divinity, a man who didn't believe nor cared for such things, a man who I once thought of as foolish for despising and downplaying something as important as God, made me believe how precious life is in a way that no sacred text ever could.
Yes…
… perhaps, from this moment on, I will follow the path of someone who is even greater than that of the God I had been taught.
I stood up straight and kicked my shoes off my feet and followed him forwards and towards the sets of railings.
He was more than my best friend but less than a lover.
I exhaled the breath I didn't even know I had been holding, leaning against the railings of the rooftop building we were currently on, taking this time to admire how beautiful the city of Seoul is, sprawling beneath us.
I couldn't help but reach out to take his hand when he started to climb on the very things that were currently separating us from the borders between life and death.
This was something I've always yearned for, to die with the man that gave me a reason to live.
However, the things I felt at this very moment contradicts everything that I've been living for.
Now, faced with the precipice, I felt nothing, but sheer fear, reluctance, and a weakening will. I had always imagined this moment would be exhilarating, exciting, freeing—a release from the weight of the world, an end to all the pain and suffering I'd endured, and yet.
Perhaps a small part of me no longer wishes for this to happen.
"Yesoon?" he called out, his voice low, soft, and gentle as he asked his question to me. Perhaps, he viewed that sudden silence as so unpleasant and awkward that he stopped using the nickname he refers to me as.
Or perhaps he was worried and concerned.' I felt the corner of my lips curl slightly at that thought.
"Are you going to back out, now?"
Yes…
"No."
"We don't have to do this now, you know."
I immediately looked up, a surge of desperate hope flickering within me. Yet, the look in his eyes was not what I expected, they were not what I'd been used to, and that was a look I had despised for years.
He looked almost—disappointed, frustrated, and annoyed. Did facing death possess the power to transform a man who once regarded me with such kind eyes, fond smiles, and hearty laughs into a person who now seemed like he saw nothing but a repulsive insect the moment our gazes met? Maybe I was seeing things due to the exhaustion my body currently felt.
And maybe the reason for the complicated feelings inside of me was… Despite everything, I couldn't help but fear the thing we call hell—the stories of those punished for merely giving up on their lives, for daring to desire an end to their suffering, for simply wanting to be freed
but only to be rewarded with eternal damnation.
I didn't want that to be me, however…
I've always wondered, would those who had been enduring a life filled with nothing but pain, those who lost their will to live due to an unfortunate, unavoidable circumstance, those who chose death as a better option than getting taken advantage of, tortured or used, despite being a kind and innocent soul -would they still be considered as sinners for simply rejecting the suffering some refer to as a test, a way to make you closer to God?'
I wondered another thing, if the same people who referred to torture as a test of faith, would they have said the same things if it were they themselves experiencing it?'
'Humans are inherently hypocritical beings, myself included. We seem destined to be mere spectators, constantly observing and judging others' lives from a third-person perspective. Yet, when offered the chance, most wouldn't dare to step into the shoes of the person they so readily criticize.
They wouldn't want to carry that weight, despite acting as if they're superior.'
'But this man… even if it meant swallowing my fears and anxieties for him to stop looking at me like I was nothing, like our eleven years of friendship were mere collateral, then, I suppose it was simply a small price to pay for my own selfishness of simply wanting to be with him.'
"No, I… I still wish to do this."
"Are you sure?" Maybe my facial expression said otherwise.
I nodded. He pulled his hand away to hop onto the railings.
I swallowed hard before hopping onto the railings myself, almost losing my balance as I tried to stand. Thankfully, he had caught me just in time. His hands firmly made sure I didn't fall just yet. We were so close I almost couldn't resist the urge to just… Kis…
Would it be so wrong to do so? When I knew I could never be the object of his infatuation? When I knew he had someone he held dear, someone he would forever treasure?
Yet someone he left to die with someone like me.
…
No, I know that is simply not the case, this man…
He wasn't truly able to love someone, even if he truly wanted to do so.
"Careful…" he muttered, his voice soft and quiet, unlike its usual loud, playful, overbearing, sarcastic, and sassy tone. Instead, it was stoic and monotone.
Though, I secretly knew, deep down in my heart, perhaps the usual warmth and childish attitude was all simply a facade he had learned to use near me, that perhaps, I wasn't an exception, that I wasn't the only one to open up the broken lock shackling his thoughts, but instead that I was only the one who managed to stay long enough for him to get used to.
"Are you ready?"
"Yeah."
He took a deep breath, and so did I. My heart skipped multiple beats as I felt gravity begin its pull. My hand gripped tightly onto my best friend's. I wanted to scream but my words were caught in my throat.
I have always been afraid of heights.
The overwhelming feeling of fear and regret flooded ever cell of my body.
I was the one who suggested this, all those years ago. A pathetic- desperate cry for help from a 11 year old boy.
…
As my body hit the deep water below, I realized something.
I wasn't afraid because I didn't actually want to -die.
I was afraid because I didn't want to see this man die.
GASP!
COUGH- COUGH!
Kim Yesoon awoke with a jolt, bending over as he violently coughed for air, his hands clasped around his own neck.
A pair of strong hands gripped his shoulders and shook him back into reality.
Kim Yesoon looked up from a pair of teary eyes -meeting a pair of concerned ones, his heart dropped as he registered the man that held his shoulders like lifelines. The way his hair just barely touches his shoulders in black, wavy, messy, layered and unkept locks. His skin pale and anemic -yet smooth and clear. His lips chapped and bruised from constant picking and biting -and a pair of black framed glasses barely hid the bags beneath his dark, tired -yet familiar eyes.
"Yesoon!"
The way his shirt remained untucked, wrinkled, and baggy despite strict rules against dress codes to hide how fairly skinny he was from disregarding eating most of the time whenever he felt like it wasn't necessary - the way the hem of it were tainted and stained with acrylic paints, his tie -a messy and loose noose around his throat, and the school's blazer tied around his waist -hiding his ripped and paint-splattered pants and mismatched socks.
"Yesoon!"
He looked like a mess, the type to get in trouble more than twice a week, the type to be labelled as an outcast in society, and the type that never bore a clean -bruise less face, with band aids on his chin and cheek, bandages peeking through the cuffs of his sleeves.
"Kim Yesoon!"
Kim Yesoon finally snapped back to reality as he clasped a hand over his mouth, looking around to see heads turned, facing him -with looks mixed with pity and piqued curiosity.
"W-what?" Yesoon managed to mutter with a volume barely surpassing that of a whisper.
"Are you okay-? You're scaring me here!" The man he knew -Hyun Eunsoo, the man who held onto him for dear life -screaming at him in worry and the man he had thought to have died with.
…
Kim Yesoon's brain was short-circuiting, how was this even possible, how is he even alive? How were they even alive?
'A-Am I dead?' He stood up abruptly.
The main character of our story quickly realized they were in their old 10th-grade classroom, a sight that was currently impossible to be true in the name of science and logic.
'Is this what people mean when they say they 'saw their life flashing before their eyes'?' A bead of sweat trickled down his forehead.
But his thoughts seemed far from likely, it was then reality slammed into Kim Yesoon…
That perhaps, he had regressed six years into the past, now a high school student once more after attempting a double suicide at the ripe age of twenty-one.
Being followed suit by the revelation of his sudden thoughts- Kim Yesoon ran out of the classroom, letting and leaving the door slam open as he heard the familiar voice he had grew to love, call out his name with a hint of desperation as she sprinted down the slightly familiar yet unfamiliar halls -turning a corner into the dimly lit and empty men's restroom and locking himself into a stall before dropping to his knees and vomiting into the toilet.
After taking a second or more to breathe -Yesoon -who was half hyperventilating, quickly wiped his mouth with his sleeve and weakly reached out to flush the toilet, still on the floor as his brain overworked with thoughts.
'Is this a test? Does God want to test how I'd behave after being given a second chance before throwing me to the flaming pits of hell for my suicide?- Why, why here… Why now?'
…
Yesoon silently laughed as he leaned helplessly against the bathroom stalls door, tears streaming down his face as he tried helplessly to process what was even happening at that very moment.
Minutes that felt like years flew past and she heard the bathroom door open followed by soft footsteps, Yesoon couldn't even guess how long he stayed there, pathetically sobbing out to open air…
Knock… Knock…
"Yesoon?" A soft voice reverberated throughout the small space, nothing followed other than silence until the small sound of a handle being turned was heard, Yesoon peeked through the small gap of the stall to see his best friend, now looking-alive… Like he was actually alive.
"It's just me" Hyun Eun-Soo reassured.
"No one else?"
"No one else."
Kim Yesoon fully opened the stall door -now fully, the two stayed silent, Hyun Eunsoo just stood there, waiting for Yesoon to calm down and speak first. After a whole 20 seconds, Yesoon gently swiped a hand against Eunsoo's side, confusing him, but just to make sure he was whole, just to make sure he was real.
To make sure he was human.
Yesoon let out a shaky exhale, before giving Eunsoo a tight embrace, their height difference wasn't big, however it was still quite noticeable. Yesoon was around 176cm tall whilst Eunsoo was over 179cm. Eunsoo, who had simply thought this was another one of Yesoon's many -usual panic attacks, only sighed and slowly returned the gesture.
As a mean of distracting himself, Kim Yesoon pondered about his apparent regression, finding it rather easy to accept and to adapt to such a thing after his initial meltdown of just having been died.
A linger -a tiny hint of excitement was present in his heart due to such a thing being what he used to have always wished -begged and prayed for, as his hopeful past would enact the role of a protagonist, preaching how he'd change his life for the better, how he'd make her mother proud, how'd he would no longer play as a burden,
And how he'd change his personality so that people would like him in contrast to as of right now, if he was given a second chance, and now that was reality.
However.
He had no intentions of fixing what was left of his teenage years -as he had already accepted the fact that everything past her days as a middle-schooler is already beyond repair.
Instead, he did have intentions in regards to his beloved best friend, and how he desperately wanted to erase the brief memories of his death just as they hit the- no.
He was dead before he had hit the water.
He had been dead before they've even ever met in person.
He was a man who could not feel, no, perhaps the word Kim Yesoon wanted to believe whenever they were together was… a man who rarely felt that, that he -probably, hopefully, at the very least considered Yesoon as that of something similar or related to a friend.
- the thought of someone who Kim Yesoon would kill himself on the spot for may not even feel a thing during the encounters he would never once forget and always hold dear is… Pathetic, sad and- disappointing.
"You wanna skip school?" Eunsoo offered, in which Yesoon only nodded, tears pricking the corners of his eyes. This was simply insane, what was this? A novel? How was he even back? Or if he's just hallucinating while currently being in the middle of drowning?
Eunsoo seemed so genuinely worried it made Yesoon's already breaking heart ache even more.
Now that he had calmed down -even if it was only just for now, Kim Yesoon was… Happy, yeah, maybe this time -he could save his best friend they would be able to live happily ever after, maybe he'd help him finally feel…
And maybe he'd finally be able to hold him close, closer than usual. Like he had always wanted to do.
.
.
.
They walked back to class hand in hand after what presumably was more or less half an hour, as they opened the door, both Yesoon and Eunsoo noticed how their class was now completely bare, right, the bell had rung 10 minutes ago, it should be lunch time and most students had already gone to the cafeteria.
Hyung Eunsoo let go of Kim Yesoon's hand, making a line straight for their bags, whilst Yesoon just stands there, in a bit of a daze, just watching as he tidied up their desks.
Yesoon took a deep breath as he turned his attention on to a full body mirror in the corner of the class, walking up to it -he quickly 'analyzed' himself.
His eyebrows furrowing slightly as he took in the sight of his teenage body.
From the slightly tan skin due to excessive sun exposure, the slightly round clear-framed glasses and to the only part of his body that he actually liked; a pair of brown, almond-shaped eyes with long -naturally curled lashes, besides that, there really isn't any other feature worth noting.
His hand silently went up to flatten his chest area as a soft yet forced, self-deprecating laughter left his lips, he looked up to see how dark the bags under his eyes were, worse than his adult self, how chapped and scarred his lips and tongue were from constant biting and picking, and his short, curly black hair in even layers.
Hair that barely reached his neck.
"You know…" Yesoon looked back to see Eunsoo's hand shoving a stubborn book into his bag. "…If something is bothering you, you could always just tell me, I'm always here for you, you know that already."
'He didn't say right… He didn't say 'You know that already, right?' because he knows, I do. I do know he's always there for me.'
'I've been knowing.'
"Yeah, I know… It's just…" Yesoon trailed off.
"It's just what?" Eunsoo slung both their bags over his shoulders.
"It's something I can't tell you""
…
It's something I can't tell you
Hyun Eunsoo froze, that sentence not even registering in his brain -it was a reaction that was to be expected, as Kim Yesoon never once hid anything from him, never once had a secret been kept from each other, to something shameful and embarrassing to something like abuse -nothing hadn't been said between them.
"Yesoon- "It's nothing you should worry yourself with." Yesoon cut him off.
'You wouldn't believe it even if I told you, or maybe you would, because that's the that's the type of person you are.' Kim Yesoon's lips curled upwards slightly.
"… Let's hang out at my place, yeah? I mean, I would prefer yours but… Your mom's home, isn't she…?"
"…Oh, uhm, it's fine, she wouldn't even notice if I came home or not, just don't go anywhere except my room."
Yesoon muttered as he looked up to see Eunsoo looking down at him with a pitying expression, only nodding before draping an arm over Yesoon's shoulders.
"Sure, your place then. Let's get something yummy on the way there first, yeah?" Eunsoo forced out a bright smile as he tried (and failed) to lift Yesoon's spirits up, who merely stared at him in a daze.
'If I didn't know any better. I would've thought you were genuinely happy to be with me.' Yesoon squeezed out a small smile as he couldn't help but let through a self-depracating thought.
Honestly, Yesoon couldn't have cared less whether or not Eunsoo felt or not at that moment (well, maybe a small part of him did and ached, horribly) but perhaps that was because of how focused he was on one sole thing, to save the person- he loved more than what we call a God.
No, that is the thing he would definitely be doing now, that would be his goal during this regression, and the next- if he was given the choice.
He would regress and spend an eternity for that one person -he had always been unsure and indecisive over the choices he made but, he had thought of this over and over and over once before, it was similar to the plot of a Korean regression novel he had read and loved, but she was certain -and sincere at this very moment.
'I will definitely save this man.'