I'm trying to ignore it.
Pretending that everything is okay.
That I didn't see anything.
That I don't care.
That.. I'm not heartbroken.
But everytime i deny it. It become more clear.
I start avoiding. No more replying her chat as fast as I used to. No more waiting for her notification like before. Even when we passed each other in the hallway, I just gave a short nod, then pretended to be busy.
I knew she was watching.
That look... It was like she was asking, "What's wrong?"
But I looked down. I couldn't answer.
That afternoon, I sat alone in the school garden. The sky was cloudy, but it wasn't raining. The page of the book I held open hadn't changed in ten minutes. I stared at it, as if reading, but my mind was still on single name.
Fukamizu.
The familiar steps getting close.
"Sakura"
I didn't answer.
"You've been different lately..." She said quietly.
"Did I say something wrong?"
Her voice sounds worried. But i'm confused. As if she really didn't know.
My hand clenched.
"Why didn't you... "
I hold my breath. Then countionue slowly.
"...say that you walk with another girl?"
She's quiet. Maybe she didn't understand what I just said. Then she sit next to me.
"Another... girl? "
I'm still looking at my book, not brave enough to see her face.
"That girl... That time when you were together with her. You look... Too happy."
There was a pause. Then a soft sigh came from beside me.
"Oh. She's my cousin. Her name is Akira. She just came from the city, staying at my home for a few weeks."
I remained silent.
"Sorry" she said
"I didn't have the chance to tell you. And I think that wasn't really important."
And when that word came out — "wasn't really important" — there's something in my chest that cracked.
I bite my lower lips.
The tears I'd been holding back..
They spilled out.
Just one drop. Quietly.
They fell silently and landed on the page of the book I was holding.
And I know she noticed it.
"Sakura..."
Her tone changed. Softer. More hesitant.
I immediately stand up.
"It's getting late.. I have to go home."
My step was fast. I didn't look back.
Because if I look back now. I know I can't handle everything much longer.
That afternoon, I walked alone..
My eyes were still warm.
The cloudy sky seemed to be weighing down my mood.
I know she didn't mean any harm.
She just... Didn't know.
Because I never explained
Never explained.
(I'm nothing to her.)
(So, it's natural that she doesn't think it matters.)
(But why... Does it still hurt?)
(Maybe I expected too much.)
(Or maybe... I really love her too much that it hurt.)