My girlfriend just broke up with me. Probably because I wasn't enough. I can't think any more logically than that. I just burden others with my existence. Why am I still here? I'm human garbage, I shouldn't be. What have I ever contributed to society? Nothing. Why do I have no friends? Because I'm boring, lame, and just drag others down. Why do I feel hurt? No one is hurting me. Only me. Can I just finally vanish? I can. Will anyone remember me, miss me? No one will.
It's raining like hell outside. Even the world knows I'm not needed here.
I roll onto my back and sigh deeply. My ceiling is just as bland as me. So grey and reflecting that it hurts. I can hear water drops drumming against my windows. That's calming, I guess. My chest feels tingly. My heart is racing, is it not? I should feel scared, powerless, but I'm not.
I miss it when I used to play video games with her, or eat ice cream with her during summer.
She was my last emotional anchor. Why did she have to leave me? Oh yeah, because "I'm too self-destructive." Well, guess what, leaving someone behind causes even more destruction.
It was such a waste of time. Honestly, who's the fool here?
Even now I'm blaming others for my own choices. I mean, it's really their fault. What did I do as a six-year-old to get bullied? How is that fair? It isn't. Life isn't fair.
I snatched half a pack of cigarettes from my mom's purse last week, on Friday night, maybe. I thought I'd try it at least once. But I haven't touched it since. Maybe this is the perfect time to light one up.
I haven't showered in two days. I smell, I'm disgusting. Who would even bother checking on me, if they would just be met with… this.
I let out a low chuckle, for I am already too far gone to think about anyone coming to save me.
I let my arms fall on my sides, and my left hand hits something. I lift it in front of my face. It's a picture of me and mom. My dry lips curl into a crooked smile. I can't even do this properly.
I let the picture fall next to me, and finally stood up from my bed, that I've been rotting in all day long, to head towards the dorm's entrance. I grab my jacket, and sloppily push my arms in then adjust my collar. I vaguely tap my side once or twice to check if the half pack of cigarettes is still in my jacket's pocket.
I jab my key's head into the keyhole, and twist. My door unlocks with a click. I push the handle down and step outside with one swift motion. The cold raindrops immediately hit my face, and a shiver runs down my whole body.
"God, it's cold as hell," I mutter to apparently no one.
I carefully start walking down the stairs, and accidentally slip on the rain-coated stairs before catching myself on the railing. You want me dead? I finally reach the bottom, and pull my phone out. It's on one percent. Great. I don't even need it anymore. I toss it carelessly into a puddle, the screen is now filled with tiny water drops. I can see my own reflection in it… disgusting.
I shake my head and start walking on the roadside. I have to slightly squint to even see anything. Even the cars coming my way are blinding me with their unnecessarily bright headlights. Lightning strikes a tree nearby, how cool.
"I forgot to lock my door," I say, but pay it no mind. Who would even bother trying to break into that shithole?
Where can I even smoke when the weather's like this?
I head towards a nearby gas station to buy a can of soda. After a few minutes of walking, not even thinking, because the rain is louder than my thoughts, I finally reach it. Its front lights above the entrance are slightly flickering in neon colors.
I try to grab the non-existent handle of the entrance, and almost fall inside as the photo cellular door opens in front of me. Water from my clothes is dripping everywhere on the ground, and my eyes are filled with water from my hair and tears. I slightly brush the bottom of my shoes off on the doormat.
I make my way over to the cashier. "One can of coke, please."
…No reply. I'm not deserving of even a "one second"?
I can clearly see that he can clearly see something's wrong with me. Does he just not know what to do, or he just doesn't care at all.
Yeah, mental health matters, until it's about "a self-destructive teenager." Surely that's how society thinks.
I pull a crumpled bill out of my right pocket, and put it on the counter.
The cashier slides me the metal can, and I take it, and neatly tug it into my jacket's pocket, which causes a little bulge.
He's the last person I'll ever see.
I start walking outside again, but turn back to say "See you," as if.
Oh, there is a bus stop on the other side of the road. Perfect.
I reach the other side of the road, and plop down on the bench. I'm finally relieved to be shielded from the rain by the roof of the bus stop.
I reach into my jacket's pocket, and pull the pack of cigarettes out. The paper part, that holds the opening lid and the base together, is slightly torn. I open the lid with agonizing slowness. I bring the pack up to my face and take a good, big whiff. It smells like tobacco and addiction, as expected. I pull one cigarette out and set the pack down on the bench.
I see a couple passing by, walking under one umbrella. It must be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. Disgusting. They're probably thinking how pitiful I am, sitting here alone in the storm. What a great joke, why would they even care thinking about me?
I bring the cigarette to my mouth, and grasp it with my lips. Then, I pull a cheap, plastic lighter, probably bought at the corner store, out of my pocket and hold it at the end of my cigarette. I start inhaling while lighting up the cigarette.
As the foul taste hits my mouth, I let out a "bleughh" sound, and start coughing. The cigarette falls out of my hand and lands in a puddle, only faintly smoking now. The once white paper is now tainted grey from the water… I spit on the ground and hunch down on my knees.
"How can anyone do this on the daily?"
I reach for the can of coke sitting on the bench and crack it open. I take a big gulp and exhale in relief, as the strong tobacco taste is finally washed away. God, that was awful.
I sit in silence, lost in thought for a few minutes and finish the rest of my coke. I crush the now empty metal can and let it fall down.
My heart is beating fast now, knowing what's coming. But it's for the better.
I stand up, and start walking towards a nearby bridge, just at the start of the highway.
It's foggy, it's sad. But worst of all, grey. I hate grey. I absolutely despise grey.
I reach the bridge, my sobbing is only filtered out from cars occasionally passing by. I grab the slippery railing, and pull myself up on it. I grab a huge metal pole crossing over me for support.
I wonder when, or if they even find my body, would anyone feel ashamed for not helping someone in need, or would they just be as disgusted as me.
Will my own mother care?
"This is the only thing I'm proud of, so you should be proud of me, too," I say between tiny cries.
I take deep breaths to try and slow my breathing. My whole body is shivering from fear. I'm such a coward, too scared to even commit. God, I hope I won't survive this.
My fingers are shaking, my scorched lips are trembling.
As lightning strikes the river in front of me, I finally let go of the pole and lump forward.
Is this finally it?
"…"
I feel like I'm weightlessly floating. This is nice. I could stay like this, forever. It's cold though, and wet. Maybe I don't like this.
"…"
I wonder if there's anything after life. Like heaven, or something. I've never been a good person though, I'd probably get sent to hell anyways. The best outcome would be just the end of everything: complete darkness and non-existence.
"…"
I'm such a coward, running away from my problems and all.
"…"
My body finally hits the water. It's painful. My whole body feels numb. But it's also comforting.
This is what it feels like to be dying?
As a few moments pass, and my consciousness stays, I start to panic. Why is it taking so painfully long? Dying shouldn't be this hard.
Maybe I didn't want to do this, after all. I didn't want to die. I just wanted relief. Please. Take me back. Please.
I can't. This is too terrifying.
My heart feels like it's about to explode. This darkness is making me panic. What if I open my eyes? Just for a second. To see light for the last time.
I open my eyes, and I suddenly feel grounded. "Huh?" It's dark, still. I feel like I'm on the ground again. Is this my brain playing tricks on me before shutting down?
My back hurts. This is uncomfortable.
I try turning my body, so that I'm laying on my back. Huh. It worked.
My eyes feel like they're adjusting to light. Are those raindrops?
I turn my head to the side and see grass. I turn the other way and see the feet of a stone bridge. This isn't familiar to me, at all.
The pain is gone. Am I dead?
I slowly try to sit up, and to my surprise, it works. I can feel my body, but I'm nauseous. I feel like I'm about to—
I throw up all over my lap. The vomit is being swept away by the gentle waves of the small river I'm sitting in. I manage to hold the rest in by clutching at my mouth.
What is this place?
I look around once again. There's a small village that I can barely see from the fog. It looks old and outdated, even by my town's standards. Where are all the flashy lights and cars?
My ears are ringing.
"Is this a fucking joke?" I start bitterly laughing while frowning my brows. "Because this ain't funny."
My heart feels like it's about to explode again. Is this what it feels like to be dead? Is this hell?
I look down at my hands covered in mud. This is making me sick. I feel dizzy. My vision is blurry.
Please, take me back.
Then, everything goes black. I don't hear anything. Have I passed out? I feel warm.