It was Friday, the last day of class before the midterm exams.
The day before, keeping my promise to Otsuki, I didn't study at all at home. Trying to pass my subjects was no longer motivating, but a waste of time.
And what better way to make use of time that could have been wasted than by playing until the wee hours of the morning?
It was clear that the only thing I could do during exams was cry and regret it, and while I was at it, make up a couple of things.
I managed to survive Thursday and made it to Friday, during which my nerves about going to class did not lessen.
I guess I'll stay upstairs again.
Like last time, I had twenty minutes to spare for anything, studying for example. And studying is what I ended up doing. The dust on the table of what I'd now dubbed the 'fourth floor.'
Minutes before the bell rang, I showed up in class, which was almost full, passing between the desks until I reached my seat with my gaze still fixed on the floor.
There were only a couple of times that I was able to look straight ahead, into someone's eyes, and it happened in a safe place, in front of someone I could trust.
After the first two classes passed without much trouble, the next two felt tedious due to my inability to daydream, and I wasn't interested in immersing myself in either what the history teacher was saying or what the language teacher explained later.
The bell rang to announce the start of recess, preparing my mind for another, not-so-fatal encounter with Otsuki.
I got up from my seat once I'd gathered all my things and taken my bag with me. However, no wolf was going to attack me from behind today.
Misinterpreting my reaction in class yesterday, Otsuki offered to meet me on the fourth floor after I'd eaten with Hina and Tsukiyomi, and I accepted. I added the last part myself, as I felt bad that a complete stranger was taking up time with a friend.
I'd spend half of recess alone, about half an hour, which didn't seem so bad. Of course, there wasn't much I was going to do being alone in a technically enclosed space, but I accepted it naturally. It's what you have to do.
Once I finished eating the bento my father had prepared, I had nothing else to do.
Not even two minutes had passed and I was already bored. I had to avoid that. I'd already tried doing that for two classes in a row, and going from being bored in class to being bored outside of class highlighted how precarious my situation was.
I should have brought something to read…
It was true that I had my phone with me, since although phone use was prohibited at any time or place on campus, students were allowed to carry them. This was certainly a perfect place to use it, but the potential consequences of being caught with my phone tipped the scales against me.
With nothing to do, I decided to solve a mystery that had intrigued me since the first day I came up here.
In front of me, away from the door leading to the rooftop, was a bookshelf with two moderately sized drawers at the bottom. It's worth noting that the bookshelf itself was empty, but I never bothered to check the drawers.
The most logical answer would be to think there was nothing there, but over time I ended up imagining that there was money inside, someone's secret savings from high school. I didn't consider other possibilities partly because I couldn't think of any, and partly to be surprised if something like that happened.
Today I'm going to buy myself a little present with whatever I've hidden in here.
I smiled slightly at the image of a tiny Riku skipping around with a tiny manga in his tiny hands that he'd bought from a store. Am I missing something?
I grabbed the handle of the drawer, which was more like a door that opened outwards, pulling it towards me to see what was inside.
Mmm, okay. There's dust, a bit of dust here and there, and a cobweb in one corner.
There was nothing inside the drawer; but it wasn't the only one, since to its right was its twin brother, its contents still to be deciphered.
The disappointment of the first drawer made me impatient to find something in the second, an excitement shown in the speed with which I opened the second drawer.
This speed only made the dust move and jump all over my face.
"Cough! Cough!"
I tried to brush aside all the dust that had been kicked up in front of me while coughing to get rid of the little bit that had gotten in.
And that was the only gift the second drawer had for me.
Well, nothing...
I ended up choosing indifference to the outcome. The odds of having found something, anything at all, weren't very high, and yet I still decided to raise my expectations.
I returned, badly wounded, to my friend the railing, and leaned my back against its sturdy structure. Now all I could do was wait and wait… until Otsuki came…
"… k… of…"
A force was pressing on my shoulder, shaking me slightly. Someone wanted to wake me up. Instinctively, I knew who it was.
Let me sleep 5 more minutes… Amaya…
"Com… don't… I'm going…"
I opened my eyes wide enough to let in the light coming through the glass doors in front of me.
Now that I think about it, I'm sleeping sitting up. Did I fall out of bed?
When my vision finally focused, I could see my surroundings, my much-loved hiding place, and the person trying to wake me up. I was wrong.
"Imagine sleeping here…"
Otsuki moved away from me after I opened my eyes, choosing to go to one of the doors and lean her back against it. She was far enough from the railing that no one could see her from below.
I rubbed my eyes before saying anything.
"Sorry for falling asleep. Did you just, *Uahh,* get here?" I finished speaking in the middle of a yawn, making it sound a little strange.
"Yes, and I caught you sleeping. Be grateful I woke you up, otherwise you'd be stuck here like a dormouse."
"Thank you."
The fact that I was still half asleep must have caused me to think less when speaking, which resulted in me saying thank you for the simple act of waking me up.
"It's nothing," she said, though she said it indifferently, but something told me she was somewhat embarrassed. At least, that's what I thought.
"It shows how much you care about exams," he said with a hint of sarcasm.
"Stop reminding me."
It was depressing that one of the first things on my mind when I woke up was the exams. Mainly because I'd already accepted that they were a losing battle. Just a battle, not the war.
"Well, since I know you're not going to study, if you don't mind, I wanted to tell you something." The way she said it, it wasn't going to be some kind of mean joke like before. I nodded, waiting for her to tell me this important thing.
"Hina asked me to ask you if we could meet up with them next Friday afternoon, of course."
I don't know what I was expecting. She continued, somewhat concerned by my tense and sour expression.
"It's just a suggestion. Since she's in the art club, she has a couple of things to do for the cultural festival in her class and for the club; the poor thing has her hands full. Now that I think about it, I haven't told you anything about what we're going to do."
She stopped telling me her explanation about meeting on Friday because she forgot to mention something crucial, something I'd also completely forgotten. I blame the exams for this.
"Not that I care that much…"
The cultural festival hadn't crossed my mind at all this time. Some of the cardboard and leaf decorations at the back of the classroom must have gone unnoticed.
I never thought it was such a big deal, and I only enjoyed it because I had people to do it with. I especially disliked having to help the class prepare for the festival. I didn't care what my class was going to do, as long as I wasn't directly involved.
Last year we did a haunted house attraction and they had me cutting and painting cardboard like a madman. And I can't even draw, but of course, it's not the same, it's just a couple of scribbles and that's it.
Since it's early November, I don't know how much work will remain to be done.
"I'm telling you the same thing. We're going to have a mineral exhibition."
…An exhibition of what?
Of all the things Otsuki could have mentioned, that was one of the few I could never have guessed. When I repeated it to myself, it sounded even more absurd. It didn't seem remarkable at all, and besides, we'd have to buy or somehow find the minerals.
"Shioyama came up with the idea during tutoring, you know, one of the guys who hang out at the back of the classroom in the courtyard. He has a mineral collection he can bring for the festival, and since no one had a better idea, we went with that. We also think it'll help us butter up the science teacher so he'll be nice to us on the final exams."
Leaving aside the name, which I couldn't quite picture, I went from seeing the idea as silly to something normal. Not because it seemed interesting after thinking about it a second time, but because it wasn't genuinely unusual and we didn't have to find the minerals ourselves.
It was a gift idea; all they had to do was display the minerals with their information, decorate the classroom a bit, and that was it. Soon, this Shioyama fellow will be known as a legend.
"We are about to finish everything; almost no one wanted to leave the preparations until after the exams."
"Isn't there anything I need to do?"
"I'm pretty sure not."
At most, I could do some more decorating, but I don't think it's worth it. Besides, I don't want anyone wasting part of their day explaining to me how their class organized it.
"The only thing you could contribute is some mineral that you happen to have for some strange reason."
"Well, for some normal reason, I don't have any."
"See? You can relax then. Anyway, the teacher will give us time during tutorials to finish what we're missing."
In my head, everything was jubilation. Knowing I don't have to waste time on something I don't care about is great news. I suppose you already know what I'm going to spend that precious time on.
In my head, I thanked Otsuki, without considering that she might be the reason I'd been able to avoid helping. It's definitely not worth it.
I soon realized that this was not at all what we were talking about a moment ago, and I wasn't sure if Otsuki was going to continue talking, bring up the topic again, or remain silent.
"And before you told me all that about the festival, were you going to tell me anything else?"
"What was it? I've forgotten."
"About Hina."
"Ah, yes, thank you."
Thanks to my help, I was able to remind him what he needed to say. He was more relaxed than usual, even if only slightly. He continued talking as if nothing had happened.
"Anyway, since Hina is busy, she told me that it would be good for her to meet on Friday to... Well, that's it."
Otsuki seemed a little reluctant to mention the reason we were meeting. I didn't pay much attention, believing once again that she was just trying to be considerate.
"So it would be during recess then?"
"No, she needs to buy a couple of things so she can finish what she has to do, and since she's going out, it works out well for her."
Come on, that apology is going to be a bit superficial…
I couldn't think of anything else. Besides, I figured they weren't going to meet up just to see my face; if they went out, they'd probably just be out for a walk on their own.
The fact that they have other things to do afterward doesn't mean that what they're going to do loses value. I suppose what matters is how they do it.
Although the only thing that matters is what I do, they have nothing to apologize for.
But now wasn't the time to dwell on insecurities. Otsuki was waiting for my answer, and she wouldn't hesitate to take my silence as a no.
"Ughh, okay, I'll think about it."
"Are you sure?" Her astonishment wasn't excessive, but it was there. It wasn't disbelief on her face; it was more like uncertainty.
I stopped crossing my legs, raising my left knee and resting my left hand on it.
"Yes, of course. You're putting too much pressure on me… You're evil, the opposite of your mother."
"Well, it's because I'm more like my father."
I don't know if I should have said that.
The fact that she mentioned her father, even in a casual tone, sent my heart plummeting to my knees. Just knowing the context of Otsuki's life transformed her innocent comment into a melancholic one.
She continued talking.
"I remember my mother telling me about your father recently. She said she would like to become as responsible as he is."
She was talking like she always had been, like any other time, as if she were talking to her friends. And I couldn't help but dramatize it in my head.
Please stop. Although it didn't bother me personally.
"When he showed up at the house, it looked like he'd come for a job interview. At least that's what he thought."
"And wouldn't that be normal behavior?"
"It is, the problem is my mother, who is to some extent too kind and carefree."
As long as the conversation stayed focused on her mother, everything would be fine. There was nothing I could do about the guilt that had fallen on me, but I certainly wouldn't make things worse.
"I don't know what your father is like, but he seems a bit the opposite of my mother. I'm not saying he's boring or anything, it's just that he seems like someone 'responsible'. I don't think my mother isn't responsible either, but you know, he has a different vibe."
And as soon as I celebrated, she started talking about my father again. However, it wasn't such a bother anymore. Her carefree way of speaking reassured me that nothing was wrong, that I hadn't made a mistake.
"I wonder if your mother will be the same. Mine also said she'd like to invite her over sometime soon after you came to our house."
Now she was the one who had messed things up. Hearing 'your mother' was enough to put me on alert.
Although I wasn't angry, the feeling of discomfort was there.
I couldn't talk openly about my mother. It was something I didn't need to tell Otsuki, and if I did, she might speak ill of my mother. I don't have to.
To tell you the truth, it's a complicated issue.
Wasn't his father's situation a complicated matter too?, I thought.
Even now, I didn't understand why Otsuki told me about his father on the second day we spoke. Why did he tell me about his life? Those are things that should be revealed months after you've met someone, not practically on the first day you meet them.
To make me feel better? To make himself feel better? To let people know? Was he trying to do something? He probably spoke only out of nostalgia, with no other intention than to tell the story. To reflect while telling it.
It wasn't a transaction. She certainly doesn't expect me to tell her about my life just because she has.
Otsuki would know more about me, and I can't predict a future, good or bad, as a result. I see no benefit in doing so.
I wouldn't relax, I wouldn't let go of that burden. I would be on my guard, careful not to go too far in how I spoke about my mother. I had to filter myself.
But it would look bad if I kept quiet about my things and she blurted them out…
It was either keep my secrets and look bad, or tell something and not look so bad. There was no escape, but I could minimize the damage.
Debts must be offset.
"My mother divorced my father about a year ago."
Reporting the news made Otsuki's eyes widen, and she stopped looking at my face, and without letting another second pass, she raised her voice, weaker than before.
"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have asked you. I'm so sorry."
It would be presumptuous to agree with him; I couldn't back down even if I wanted to. I burned the word 'debt' into my mind, and it wouldn't fade until I felt it was enough.
"It's fine, I'd rather she's gone than still be at home." It was a nuisance, and I refrained from saying that thought aloud. It was unnecessary; the comment itself already revealed my hatred for my mother, even if I controlled my tone.
"Likewise, I'm sorry."
There I reflected on how I revealed the information in the first place, and I realized I was too direct, wanting to get it over with even if it meant talking about it more. Another mistake on my part.
"All she did was complain and yell at me, constantly using the argument that she was the one who did everything around the house. When my father came home, she would go and complain about me to him; sometimes they would argue. And the next day she would speak to me affectionately as if nothing had happened." Thinking about it makes me sick .
I kept my head down as I spoke, or rather, as I remembered. All I was doing was transforming what I saw with my eyes into words.
A tall, thin woman with medium-length black hair. Black eyes, and sharp features in her face, somewhat plain. It was the first time in a long time that I'd seen her. I hadn't even been able to see her when she came to haunt the house for an entire night. That was Yuki, my mother.
Otsuki didn't know this, but what I recounted was an exact memory from when I was 9 years old. Perhaps one of many, since it wasn't the first or last time I did it, but it was etched into my consciousness, seeming like a curse.
That day her screaming affected me deeply. I curled up in a ball on my bedroom floor while she continued. I tried to cover her face with my hands, or was I protecting my face from hers? It's too unclear.
I didn't eat dinner after she upset my father too. No matter how much they insisted, I didn't go downstairs. It was the first day I skipped dinner. She yelled at me for it, too.
Always with the same arguments, the same words. It was like a broken record.
"There came a point when I got tired of her tantrums, which is when I started responding to her, giving her more things to complain about. Every time she argued with me, it worsened the image I had of her. Until I only felt hatred."
I don't know when it started, but she stopped mattering to me. What she said was meaningless and worthless. When she acted kind and affectionate, she disgusted me.
One day I thought, "She should have died instead of Grandma." It was from that point on that I began to have such an extreme mindset.
"When I started high school, we didn't argue as often because I began to control myself a little more, but there was always a day when something would happen. On one of those days, she thought about divorce. And she didn't forget about it the next day. Or the day after that. Until she finally decided to do it."
Otsuki seemed to want to say something when I paused, but soon after he retracted.
"Leave it, you can continue."
However, it had caught my attention enough that I didn't want to continue talking.
"You can say what you wanted. I suppose now is the time. Speak now or forever hold your peace."
"It's not like I'm a criminal," she retorted.
"Well, with the way you're wearing the uniform, I'm not sure."
Every time I've been with her in class, she's worn her winter uniform the same way: with the gray jacket sleeves rolled up, showing the sleeve of her white t-shirt. I guess the teachers let her dress like that, or they've given up on making her dress properly. Long live freedom of expression.
Otsuki didn't respond to my second joke, and decided to invest his precious speech in something valuable.
"Forgive me if I sound insensitive, but when did your mother start behaving like this?"
Otsuki carefully chose his tone and words, taking time to think about them not only before speaking, but also before asking.
Having thought about it moments before, I didn't mind answering her. With a filter, of course.
"When I was about eight years old."
As much as I was talking about my mother as if nothing was wrong, which is impressive considering how much I avoid talking about her, I wasn't going to mention anything about my grandmother.
"If that's the case, then it's best that she stays… apart. I can't say much more."
She was right; if she hasn't experienced something like that, she can't say anything about it. It's impossible for her to know what a divorce felt like.
You would never expect to know that it was a relief.
The only thing that bothered me was the whole process. It took longer than it should have because of how stubborn my mother was, but it eventually worked out. Since she wanted to move far away from here, we weren't obligated to visit her. She just wanted me to visit , but despite my request , I never did.
Suddenly, I became agitated.
"Yes, it was for the benefit of all."
I decided to end my story abruptly, although for Otsuki there didn't seem to be much more to say. I hadn't expected her to start talking about the whole divorce process, and besides, she didn't want to pressure me, and I wasn't going to pressure her anymore. I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
"You could say it ends in a happy ending," I remarked with a tiny smile to erase the slightly bitter expression from her face.
"I don't know if I'd call it a happy ending…"
She played along with the joke, her voice being more suited to the humor I wanted to convey—a more normal tone.
A happy ending. I don't know why I said that, it was the first thing that came to mind at the time, and I couldn't think of a better phrase.
Calling this a happy ending was the real joke. That was something I couldn't have anymore.
"Thank you so much for telling me."
Otsuki spoke without warning a while after answering me, her happiness somewhat exaggerated. I raised my head at the sound of her tone, looking directly at her expression. It was the first time I'd seen her like that. I wasn't afraid of her anymore.
How cute… No, no, it's impossible that what I said was so effective , something's going on here.
"No problem."
I stopped looking at her face right after, trying to calm myself down so I wouldn't blush. She'd tease me if that happened, I'm sure of it.
Now Otsuki knew something about my private life. I didn't say anything more about my mother, nor about my life. She didn't ask me. And I wonder if I would have answered her.
"Now for another question, which is something I should have asked you before. Do you like Monster Hunter?"
-We continued talking for the rest of the break.