It's not like achieving things like this is easy. The fact that you've put more hours into something than I have just shows you don't have a life, loser.
That was the last thing on my mind before the fourth hour ended. To be precise, I had thought of a reply to a comment I left on a video game video.
[And you think that's difficult? I've completed the entire game without dying even once.]
Following that comment, there was a whole thread of discussion between him and me, which was more like a rabid dog talking to me than a discussion.
I find it disgusting to encounter people like that online.
" Just so you know, what we've covered today will be on the next exam. I don't want anyone coming to me crying because I didn't warn you."
"Huh?!"
As soon as the bell rang, the math teacher announced news that pleased no one, with some in the class showing outright rejection of the decision. No matter how much they complained, I think they all knew they'd have to put up with it.
Once that teacher left the classroom, I could hear some voices next to me talking badly about her. It was a boy and a girl talking.
"Coming from her, that's normal."
"But it's unfair! With all the studying we have to do, oh my god."
Judging by the boy's reaction, it was something that was already expected, although it bothered him in the same way as it bothered the girl, who thought it was nonsense.
"That old hag is going to do whatever she wants, she's a real sourpuss. But hey, if you're having trouble with what we covered today, we could get together to study and I'll teach you."
The boy suggested they study together, one of the many moves young men make these days to win the hearts of their female classmates. He maintained a casual demeanor to conceal his intentions.
"I would learn more from a monkey than from you."
"Don't go too far!"
But it turns out the girl isn't interested! An anticlimactic event, a completely devastating rejection!
"And besides, I've already made plans with Rika and Satomi. I'll think about it next time."
"So next time…"
Wait, is there still hope? I can just picture that boy's face like I'm seeing it right now!
Like the rest of the class, they sounded cheerful despite the bad news and the upcoming midterms. Like normal people.
I'd gotten a little lost in their conversation, and when they stood up I realized I should have made a run for it a long time ago. Now I was at the mercy of the whole class, cold sweat trickling down my forehead from the unease that arose when I saw almost everyone standing.
I have to leave here.
I can't deny I was relieved that so much time had passed since the doorbell rang and still no one had come for me. Until I got up with my bag, that is. A wolf grabbed my shoulder with its jaws.
"You're not getting away today , " said the voice behind me.
A shiver didn't run through my body because I partly expected it, although he didn't need to squeeze so hard. It certainly didn't mean it was a good thing.
The paranoia I had for more than two weeks didn't matter anymore; now the only important thing was the class's reaction to this situation.
I raised my head, acting as if I had been frightened, to have an excuse to look straight ahead.
Everyone either had their backs to me or was talking to people nearby, friends. No one was looking at me, not at her. Yes, it was a portion of the class, not the whole class, but the ones I was with were talking amongst themselves, leaving the classroom, and at no point did they look at me indignantly.
She let me go after I pretended to be scared by her grip and realized who she was.
It wasn't with complete relief and confidence, but I turned around to face her. This time without looking at the ground. I didn't want to look at the ground.
Otsuki lowered her voice a little as she was saying something about our beloved classmates.
"See how they don't pay any attention to us? Even if they remember, they have better things to do. Eventually they'll forget, if they haven't already."
"…"
"Riku?"
I did not react to her comforting words or to her mouth pronouncing my name; I remained paralyzed and downcast even though I was previously convinced that I could hold my head high.
Otsuki's tone shifted from one that matched his pious words to one that was more puzzled than worried. It would be strange to be so optimistic at a time like this, so something must be wrong.
She probably thinks I wasn't ready to talk to her in class yet.
"I-I'm sorry, I have to go," I said after a couple of seconds, my voice still shaky. I turned around, ready to leave the classroom.
"But has alg- happened?"
"Don't follow me."
Completely uninterested in what she was about to ask me, I interrupted her and headed towards the classroom door among the rest of the people.
I knew I'd regret leaving her like that after everything she'd done for me, but I had no other choice. For my own good.
That paranoia didn't matter, it didn't matter because it was never the important thing about this class. It never has been. I don't give a damn about the people in here, especially after what Otsuki accomplished.
"But does that matter? You're not going to see them again for six months."
That might not be entirely true. I might attend the same high school as a few of them, but I doubt that's a problem. We don't have to be in the same class.
The problem was that, excluding Otsuki, I wasn't going to see anyone again , none of the people who were in there.
While in the hallway, I headed towards the stairs. Eyes.
While on the stairs, I went up to the third floor. I looked him in the eyes .
Being on the third floor, I went to the end of the hallway, as far away as I could. Her brown eyes, from a distance, looked black.
Being near the back, I headed to the bathroom furthest from the other people. Kichiro looked me in the eyes.
While inside the bathroom, I locked myself in one of the stalls. See.
I was never going to see them again. Their eyes, brown eyes, which from afar looked black.
Dull eyes, devoid of any life. The same ones.
I had already arrived at the bathroom nervous, agitated and desperate, but now that I was isolated from everyone I began to hyperventilate freely, grabbing my uniform tightly where my sternum was.
Like theirs. Red. Red. Like the sparkle in their eyes. The same.
My legs were shaking too much to stand, so I was careful when I sat down on the floor. I leaned my back against one of the cabin's barriers and extended both legs to the other end.
The sparkle in her eyes. Her smile. Her smile. Good? Bad? Sirens. The same ones.
My teeth started chattering from the panic I felt. Even my eyes were shaking. I didn't even want to think about my eyesight.
Stop, noise, red. Red lights. Red. Like its brightness. Like its blood.
"It's okay; it's fine."
Between gasps of air, I began to repeat those words that seemed to possess some kind of magic.
"It's okay; everything is okay."
I hugged the purse I had set aside with the same strength I used to use to clutch my chest.
Her blood. Wounds. Her wounds, her wounds, my wounds. Pain. Pain. Pain. It hurts. Her pain. Crushed. I crushed them.
Without thinking, I looked down at my hands. They hadn't completely healed yet; they were still a little red, and there were a couple of scabbed areas, especially on my knuckles.
Seeing him reminded me of the pain I felt. How much it hurt. It hurt too much. It was unbearable. I left his arms bruised.
How could I have done something like that?
The air I needed to take in grew stronger and stronger, and I took it more and more irregularly. I needed air, air to process what I was thinking. To be able to bear it. To keep from breaking down.
I gripped the bag even tighter. It felt too close to my chest, pressing down on it. It hurt. But I could already feel it flattening without any pressure.
I can't get enough air.
I shouldn't be feeling this way.
I rejected him. I hit him even when he offered me his hand. They fed me. I lied to him. They trusted me. Even then, they trusted me.
"Everything is— hic! —it's fine; it's all right."
My eyes began to water, though they didn't release any water. It caused my vision to blur. It was already blurry before.
I should hate them!
My eyes were red. They were for a moment. And then not. And then they were again. I didn't know what I was doing. Running away. Even when I stood still. Alone. Running away.
I shouldn't be able to forgive them!
It's their fault, it's their fault, it's their fault. I've repeated that countless times. I have it recorded like an audio recording. Like a song. They started it.
The first ones started. The first ones surrendered.
I shouldn't feel guilty!
"Okay; okay."
My hands hurt. My face hurt too, more my nose than my eyes. But my hands hurt even more.
The hands are the part of the body used to do things. The mouth is the part of the body used to say things. The eyes are the part of the body used to see things.
The heart is the part of the body with which we feel things.
I would hold my bag tighter if I could.
I closed my eyes, hoping to stop seeing all the scenes in my mind. All I managed to do was let a couple of tears fall. Just the ones that were already welling up in my eye.
I want to stop feeling guilty… It hurts…
"…You miss them, Riku." Another memory.
_¨*^?¿· usually has a somewhat insecure look, which certainly fits with his small and somewhat restless appearance. It's normal, given how shy he is.
Sister… help…
"P-please, come. ^[Ç+? , ^[Ç+? is…" Another memory.
When you get to know him, he's a kind person, and once he gets over his shyness, he speaks with incredible enthusiasm and passion. He doesn't seem like the same person.
Dad…
"Don't even think about using your sister for this!" Another memory
If only he were a little more open, I'm sure he'd have a lot more friends. You can tell how much he appreciates =@º\', they've known each other for a long time. I suppose he appreciates me a little less now &$%"!.
Grandmother…
"…"
But just because it's a little less doesn't mean it's not a little. He's a great friend. They all are.
Someone… whoever it is…
When he was lying on the floor, his hands clutched to his chest. When he was in class, he was with them as always.
He looked at me with fear in his eyes.
Mother…
"Riku, are you in?"
Someone came.
It took meIt was a good moment to realize I heard someone's voice, since it was difficult given the situation. Realizing who it was didn't mean I calmed down quickly.
"I'll be out in a moment, but please leave me alone."
"…Don't take too long," an order I couldn't obey.
The effort I made to speak without sounding devastated was considerable, but somewhat effective, as Otsuki reluctantly decided to wait for me. Out of caution, I didn't raise my voice again and my breathing became more relaxed, lest he end up waiting for me by the bathroom. But in my mind, I kept repeating that phrase, my eyes closed.
Okay; okay. A little gentler than before.
The longer I held my bag, the less tightly I clutched it, until I finally let it go. That's when my throat felt clear and my lungs stabilized. I could breathe in deep breaths without any problem; it felt so refreshing.
My legs weren't shaking and my vision was clear, so I was able to get up and leave the booth. Before leaving, I washed my face a little at the sink.
These efforts resulted in him leaving the bathroom 9 minutes after Otsuki's arrival.
As I had feared, Otsuki was waiting right in front of the bathroom. He approached me as soon as he saw me come out.
"Are you OK?"
"Yes, it's nothing. I guess I must have had some breakfast that didn't agree with me."
She looked at me with a somewhat suspicious expression regarding what I had said, seeking to resolve her only doubt.
"You could have gone to one of the bathrooms downstairs instead of coming all the way here. If it was because I talked to you in class..."
"No, no, not at all! When you came near me I felt dizzy, and I didn't want anyone to hear me in the bathroom, that's why I came here."
He had no choice but to accept my story; it wasn't so far-fetched as to be considered a lie. Besides, it's not like I actually lied.
"But you're okay now, aren't you?"
I would have known what he was thinking at that moment if I had looked him in the eyes.
"Yes I'm fine."
Ignoring that lie for now, there was something about Otsuki that worried me. I mean, it was the last straw when he shouted my name in every bathroom until he found this one.
"You didn't go through all the bathrooms to get here, did you?"
"…Only for a few. Then I thought you might be here."
I probably imagined people's eyes on Otsuki shouting my name before I knew what they'd think when they heard it. I had to accept that outcome reluctantly; it was that or get hysterical again.
For that very reason, I didn't say anything more about it. I didn't want to talk about it anymore, much less think about it. She may have noticed this unease, because she started talking about something else as we headed for the stairs. Something she'd been meaning to bring up.
"My mother told me she's glad you're back in class."
"?"
"Yes, and she's been nagging me, saying, 'Tell him he can come to our house whenever he wants.' There's no stopping her."
She wasn't someone I would think would have anything to say to me, knowing that I had only spoken to her once, and not a very good day at that.
Considering her appearance and behavior, Haruka is a perfect candidate for this kind of thing. She looks out for you even though she hasn't seen you in ten years, what a hottie.
"Thank him for me."
Otsuki answered me by bringing his index finger and thumb together.
"And you should be grateful I saved you from coming to dinner… He does the same to them. Once Hina stayed for dinner three days in a row."
This is no longer hospitality, it's obsession…
Upon reaching the stairs, I started climbing them to my new, not-so-secret hideout, while Otsuki went down. She stopped after noticing I wasn't following her.
"Oh, I thought we were going to the courtyard."
"You can go if you want. You'll have to talk to them."
It was a natural outcome, given how we each are. I would stay upstairs alone, and she would go with her childhood friends, or if not, her high school friends. Nature broken by her words.
"I told them I was going to be with you for today. Just so you know, they're going to nag me about you for the rest of the week."
"And it will be my fault that... Did you tell them... that I'm in class?"
I went from acting as usual to searching for answers in astonishment. A drop of sweat slowly trickled down my forehead.
"Yeah."
Otsuki uttered the phrase casually, which made me ignore the outrageous thing she had confessed. This woman is beyond help.
"Get away from here before they see you," I pleaded once I was at the top of the stairs, hidden behind the apartment railings.
"That's not how it is… ugh."
She followed my lead after my somewhat exaggerated response, which seemed to frustrate her a little. That lack of concern in her voice earlier had led me to believe she hadn't expected a rejection like this. Trust wasted, I say.
Once upstairs, anticipating that we'd be there for the entire break, she placed her bag on a chair after dusting it off with her hand and shaking it out. I'm grateful she didn't wipe it on me.
"Yes, I've told them you're here, but they're not going to come for you just to know. They know they can't be with you until you tell me you're ready."
The news made me relax a little and gave me hope of living another day. My only complaint was that I 'could take my time' choosing when to meet with them.
"Actually, that's a lie. Natsuki says she's giving you next Saturday as the deadline."
"Let him wait!"
Or better yet, give me all the time in the world. Thank you very much. I will never complain again.
"Even if I listen to them and talk to them on Saturday, I won't be ready that soon."
"Hmm, I don't know. Last Friday you didn't seem ready to come to class, and look at you now."
Denying that I was right would be a waste of time. It's true I made a radical change recently, but I doubt that means I'll sort out my thoughts that quickly.
It was just a small part of my mind that thought differently. What if after the exams I'll have the courage of a thousand lions? Or maybe it'll be this weekend and not next.
This isn't the same as when I first came to class. I was playing dumb, thinking nothing had happened, that nothing was going to happen. I tricked my mind into thinking I was over it.
Now it was different, more genuine.
But that was only thanks to what happened on Saturday. It wasn't even a good thing; I was only able to get out of bed the next day with any motivation because I felt his eyes on the back of my neck. Now all I feel is a needle in my chest, like a bouncy castle deflating. I've lost all motivation to even take my exams, let alone study.
I never told Otsuki that I studied for half an hour for history because that would have had the same effect as doing nothing for half an hour. It would have been more of a joke than an achievement.
"I'm not exactly thrilled about going to class, you know."
I replied, a little curtly, out of anger at her words reminding me, in one way or another, that she was forcing me to come here. She didn't respond.
A brief, awkward silence followed. I suppose she couldn't bear to see me so downcast, staring at the floor, and chose to bring up a topic she'd already questioned me about.
"So what are you going to do about the exams?"
"Didn't I tell you yesterday? I give up. Even if I asked you for help, it would be pointless. I'm too far behind to do anything. Like you said, I'll just have to get lucky in the end-of-term exams."
Otsuki had expected a more encouraging response, although her almost nonexistent shock suggested that she didn't have much hope that nice words would come out of my mouth.
"When they arrive, I'll help you a little with them."
"Sensei, you have to let your students grow."
"I shouldn't have followed you."
At the rate we were going, she was going to become my private tutor. I was embarrassed, not because it meant I'd be spending more time with her, but because she thought I still needed those lessons even though I'd recovered.
Thinking about it again, both things embarrass me, not just the first one.
I can't believe I was actually studying with Otsuki while eating candy and a bag of chips. My past self was definitely on another level. And I'd only seen her three times in person before that.
It took me a while to consider him my friend, and I was only able to do so once he decided to act more genuinely towards me, without ulterior motives. Does Otsuki have ulterior motives towards me too?
No, no, I have to stop thinking like that. She doesn't have anything on her mind. I'm sure of it. Even if she feels bad for me, that's not the reason she hangs out with me .
I was still too tense around her, even with my newfound motivation. It was the same as when he used to bother me day in and day out. The only difference is that now I'm not trying to tell Otsuki to go to hell.
I have to try to do something… normal. Let go, I have to try to let go…
What would Otsuki's reaction be if I made a real joke ?
So far, the few jokes I'd made with her were nothing more than water leaking from the cracks I was trying to hide. I was trying to control myself, not cross a certain line. If I made the kind of jokes I usually make, I might push her away.
Try to do something normal? I'm such a freak...
"And… haven't you forgotten?"
"The drugs? Yes, I left them in that drawer."
"No way!"
I didn't change my tone of voice at all. I was tired, and I had an idea of why, an idea I'd rather put out of my mind before it happened again. Otsuki's response was as expected, a little indignant that I'd implied she was into that sort of thing.
" Oh, so you'd like to have some."
"When did I say that? You're a drug dealer."
" I'm not."
"Yes, you are."
" No." "Yes." "No." "Yes." "No." "Okay, just give me the manga already."
"Understood."
I kept contradicting Otsuki until she stopped paying attention to my joke, at which point I put my hand to my forehead, making a military salute.
What does this mean?
I tried to force myself to keep up the joke, to see if Otsuki would tell me to get lost or get genuinely annoyed, but that wasn't the case. She seemed to be playing along, and yet I thought she was just putting up with it, that she didn't find it funny. I gave up.
I have to accept that there are no people left with whom I can do that.
" Here you go."
From my bag I took out what she wanted so badly, and what rescued me from having a very boring thirty seconds. She was somewhat pleased to see it.
"Thank you very much. I'll let you know when I've read it."
She snatched it from my hands, a little too excitedly, and stuffed it in her bag without letting me say goodbye. And since she already had her hands in her bag, she decided to pull out her bento box, reminding me that this time she had actually brought it for me. Courtesy of my dad, of course. He's a fantastic cook.
"Look, you actually brought something today. You're not going to steal any more food from me, are you?"
"It was just an onigiri…"
"That's already a lot."
"Greedy," I thought of saying, but I had to stop myself before I made a huge mess of things. Calling her greedy would be like telling her she's fat.
I have to be careful about the fact that she's a girl.
If she were a man, I wouldn't have hesitated so much to say anything to her, but I think I still value my life enough to preserve it.
" But that onigiri was so good, and with a little heart drawn on the fillet too. Mama's girl."
"Well, with what you've brought today, I wouldn't know if you're Mama's boy."
Otsuki glanced at my food, and its preparation was far too stylized and meticulous. It would have been a harmless counterattack if it were about my father and not my mother.
"My father did it, just so you know," I reproached him, looking him in the eyes for the first time all day.
Daddy 's boy then ."
"…"
I kept my gaze on Otsuki's face, forming the same expression you would make when looking at a garbage dump.
"I'm not going to apologize."
"Well, you're already doing it! I'm going to have to wash my ears after hearing that," I finished the sentence abruptly because of something that crossed my mind.
Now, I've looked into her eyes. Did I imagine it? No, I know I did. Her eyes are dark brown, I know because I just saw it. I'd forgotten.
That's what I wish I had done earlier in class, and what I'd been avoiding until I made a joke. Until I tried it.
The fact that she played along was enough; she didn't need to think it was funny. I wasn't rejected. And maybe that's what gave me a little confidence, just a little.
I achieved my goal and didn't realize it for several seconds. My mind went blank.
When was the last time I felt like this?
"Seriously though, your dad must have put a lot of love into your food. This looks like a competition to see who brings the best bento box."
He spoke as if he found it ironic that my father could not only cook well, but put so much effort into a meal that wouldn't last more than half an hour. Besides, it had been ages since I'd eaten anything proper at recess. He always left the real food for home, and I hardly ate anything here.
This was the first time my father had made me a bento.
"Thank you." I felt I had to say it. Of course, the compliment wasn't for me, but I liked that someone else pointed out the gesture.
"But you haven't done anything. Look, it doesn't matter, I'm going to start eating or I'll miss recess. "
Before even picking up his chopsticks, Otsuki clasped his hands together, similar to someone about to pray, and in a monotonous tone, as if he had already said it a thousand times.
"Enjoy."
"Ah, enjoy your meal."
I, who was completely unfamiliar with that habit, was caught red-handed with the chopsticks, so I didn't even bother. I was able to avoid her gaze because she closed her eyes while doing it.
I must be one of the only families that doesn't do that at mealtimes. I used to do it before I was eight, but then we just stopped, as if it had never been a habit. My father told me we could do it if I wanted, but at that age I saw it as a nuisance.
That must be why I felt out of place when I went to eat with him.
I'm not exactly a huge foodie, but I enjoyed it as much as I could. Along with Otsuki.