From the sky, rays of light of a deeper, more intense orange fell, signaling the inevitable departure of the sun. At the far end of the sky, the moon could be seen, still lacking its characteristic brilliance, obscured by the sun.
Beneath that sea of orange were two old friends, one tall, one short, one with short hair, one with long hair, though height wasn't relevant at that moment, as they both collapsed, hugging each other at the same height, and it also didn't matter how short or long either of their hair was, as even if it covered their faces, their cries still echoed.
They weren't crying just for something in the past, but also for the present, for all that time that has caused misunderstanding to consume both of them, for all that was never said.
And in front of them, there was me. Although to say that person was me...
"-"
I stood there, watching Daiki and Kichiro cry endlessly, like a running tap. For a moment, just a brief moment, I considered doing the same.
From the moment they started talking, I listened, never interrupting, even though I was so enraged. What made me want to wait, I still don't understand. Respect? Intrigue? Empathy? Nothing fits, but at the same time, everything seems like a valid response.
And now, there I was. What was I doing? So many things were going through my head that I couldn't figure anything out. Short circuit.
While I was wasting time hesitating, Kichiro, with his face soaked in tears, showing great sadness, but with a warm and friendly look, approached me, detaching himself a little from Daiki, so he could look at me.
It took him a while to start talking between sobs, but little by little he was able to speak.
"R-Riku… You understand me too, right?…"
"…"
He, speaking to me, brought me out of my trance, forcing me to look at his face with a somewhat complex and confused expression.
Daiki began to calm his crying a little, so he could pay attention to what Kichiro was saying.
"…I think I understand you too… We… Both of us, we're a little shy… We look alike…"
"…?"
How could you possibly understand me? Not only do we not look alike at all, but we're also...
"…I also wanted to lock myself in my house… Never go out again… I was, and have been depressed, like everyone…"
You said it yourself. You weren't that close to her. That's why you can't understand what I feel, ever.
"But… I was tired of feeling this way… Not just because of this, but always… Feeling so weak, so… sad…"
Kichiro stared at the ground for a moment, remembering who he'd always been. Someone who'd always been afraid, who'd always struggled to talk to people.
You're still weaker than me. Small, with a cowardly attitude, talking even less than me… More than shy, you seem antisocial…
I wanted to change all that, looking up to make it clear, in turn responding to a statement that no one had said in the first place.
"I know it's too late to change...! I could have done it sooner, and maybe, just maybe, something could have changed... But it's not worth thinking about... And it's not worth continuing like this either... I want to change..."
Change? Can you even do that? YOU? You wouldn't stop being who you are in a thousand years. You can't. You never could before. Why do you think you could now?
"Not just for being your friend… For the simple fact of knowing you, for being someone important, for being yourself… I want to help you. You and everyone I care about…"
Friends…
So, for being my friend… For knowing me, for being important to you…
" You can come too… I don't want to leave you out, nobody does… It's not your cul-"
You left me hanging in class, like a fucking plague…
I clenched my fist, my body deciding what to feel.
Anger, again, at her irony, though this time with a tone of doubt, not knowing how I really wanted to react, of anguish, due to all the pressure I felt, and of fear, remembering all those looks, all those comments, and how desperate I felt running through the halls.
"… Be quiet."
"Hey?"
"… No… We don't look anything alike ."
Kichiro was surprised by my aggressive reaction, thinking his words might calm me down. At this reaction, although tears continued to flow from both of their eyes, they stopped hugging, moving slightly apart, paying attention exclusively to me.
After coming back to himself, he tried to correct himself, to avoid angering me further.
"We may not have… So many things in common… But we still share several-"
"And you think I care about that?! I don't care if you think we share something, because I know we don't!"
"…Okay. If you think so…"
Kichiro acted defensively, agreeing with me instead of trying to argue further. He still tried to maintain that confident expression, even more so as his tears began to subside.
"It's not that I think it's true, it's that it is true! And more importantly…!"
I took a step forward, approaching Kichiro in a somewhat worrying way.
"Who do you think you are to say 'you know how I feel'?! You have no fucking idea, you fucking idiot! You act all wise, but all you spout is bullshit!"
I started insulting again, this time at Kichiro. Daiki, hearing and seeing me do this, decided to interrupt, showing a certain animosity toward me, a remnant of what had happened just a couple of minutes ago.
"Riku, calm down-"
"And you think you have the right to speak now?!"
"You don't have to talk to him like that either…!"
What I said must have touched some nerve inside him, causing Daiki to forget all that sadness and tears shed, getting up from the ground and taking a hostile stance towards me.
"Daiki, please let me talk to him."
Kichiro stopped Daiki before he or I could return to how we were before.
Daiki resigned himself, composing himself after a slightly annoyed sigh. Thus, Kichiro also proceeded to stand up.
"I don't deny that Daiki is right… Riku… You should calm down…"
"And how do you expect me to calm down now?! First Daiki yelled at me as soon as I walked in, and now you're talking nonsense..."
"About what I said before, yes… You're right, I'll never be able to know exactly how you feel. Much less feel it myself."
Kichiro showed a hint of frustration. He didn't understand why he was suddenly upset.
"So why the fuck are you opening your mouth?!"
"I may not know exactly how you feel, but I can get an idea-"
"And again with the same crap! No! You can't! Not a clue, not understanding me, not empathizing, nothing! You're just a shitty kid who thinks he knows everything! What do you know when you don't even know how to talk to people?!"
Kichiro was slightly affected by my last comment, but decided not to back down. Daiki, for his part, held back the urge to confront me again.
With a slightly frustrated and sad tone, Kichiro responded to my insults, bringing his right hand to his chest.
"… We know she was your sister. Isn't it logical to think that it affected you more than any of us?"
"…Even if that's the case… You have no idea! And what are you going to do knowing that she was my sister?! Do you really think it's JUST because of that?! That just because she's my sister I'm going to worry about her?!"
"No, we know that-"
"If you're going to ignore who she was like a hypocrite, then fuck off! Nothing you're saying makes any sense! Don't you see that?!"
"I-!… She was important to you… much more than she was to us. That's what you want to tell us. And that's what I wanted to tell you."
Kichiro let his guard down for a moment, but quickly cooled his head, taking short pauses to speak so as not to anger me further.
"Well, you finally get it, damn it!"
"Okay… Now, please calm down…"
He was in too much of a hurry to calm me down. Rather than talking to me, he wanted me to calm down. Can't you talk to me when I'm like this? Are you so weak that you can't stand me?
Hearing how impatient he was to calm me down, I could only react one way: with a faint smile on my face, the most sinister smile possible.
"…Do you really think that just telling me to calm down is going to solve everything? Are you really that dumb?!"
"I want you to calm down so we can-"
"We're already talking, and I can tell you everything I have to tell you!"
"…Then tell me once you've calmed down, please… We're not going to do anything to you-"
"And you want me to believe that?! You're not going to do anything to me?!"
"…And what do you think we're going to do to you? I've already told you that you can be with us, that you can trust us."
Trust.
I didn't hesitate to speak, my voice exaggeratedly cold. It was as if the eyes staring at my back had deprived me of all that fire.
"I don't think I'll trust any of you, especially you, Kichiro."
Silence. Both Kichiro and Daiki were forced into silence. Confusion, surprise, even more confusion. What stood out most was how Kichiro's expression lost a bit of confidence. Little by little.
"Do you really think I've forgotten, that I've let it go?"
Kichiro knew exactly what I was talking about, as his expression turned guilty. Daiki was now even more confused. I took advantage of his reaction.
"Kichiro, haven't you told Daiki? You claim he's your friend, that you want to change, and you're hiding something like that from him?"
The more I insisted, the more insecure Kichiro became. Fortunately, Daiki wasn't foolish enough to know what I meant, having heard it from Kichiro earlier today. Daiki was the one who tried to defend Kichiro.
"Kichiro was-"
"Open your fucking mouth again and I'll kick it shut."
"…! …"
Daiki decided not to object or say anything else. He didn't want to make the situation worse, since he knew I was stubborn enough to try to do just that.
I started to approach Kichiro, who was now nervous, as I looked into his eyes, and he looked back at me.
" Come on, talk. Didn't you say you wanted to change, that you were my friend?"
"I-"
"Look me in the eyes when you talk to me."
Kichiro tried to look to the side when he started talking, but not only did I not let him, I actually moved closer. Even closer. I didn't stop walking until I was two steps away from colliding with him.
"Explain yourself. What happened back there? Why did you ignore me? Weren't friends there to help each other?"
"… Sorry…"
"…?"
"Sorry… I know it's something I shouldn't have done…"
"… No, no, no…"
With my hands, I signaled him to stop, to stop talking.
"I don't want you to apologize. I couldn't care less about that. Explain yourself. Why? Now."
Resentment was all that was building up inside me. Deep down, I was desperate for an answer: why she'd dumped me, why she'd ignored me all day, both in class and on the playground. That's why I was being as direct as possible, holding back as long as I could.
Although I also wanted to take advantage, take advantage of the opportunity to show Kichiro that all that 'confidence' he has believed in is nothing more than a farce, an illusion.
"…I was nervous, and…I was scared…"
"About what?"
"…Of, anything that could happen… I didn't know if I should approach you at that moment… And, I also didn't know what people would say if I approached you… I was scared… But…"
Even if I was scared, I should have gone , was what I was going to say, only I didn't give him time.
"Fear…"
I stared at the floor for a moment, processing everything he had said.
Fear… Just out of fear… If he were my friend, he would have ignored all those people, he would have preferred to risk being rejected than to stand there doing nothing…
" Out of fucking fear…"
I put my hand over my face, covering it completely.
Just for that, for being so selfish, for worrying only about himself… I can't believe you, I really can't… You don't give me any choice…
Everything, everything I've been through… This time, yes, it might not have happened if you hadn't ignored me, if you hadn't been so selfish, so greedy… You…
A small chuckle escaped my mouth. More than anything, incredulous. It was so obvious, something logical to think. It was clear Kichiro hadn't spoken to me out of fear, out of nerves... I actually thought something else...
And even knowing the answer, I wasn't at all comfortable. I wasn't happy, relieved. Even though he'd apologized, I couldn't forgive him. I didn't want to forgive him.
" AND ALL FOR THAT SHIT?! WHY WERE YOU SCARED?!"
It was no longer an angry shout directed at Daiki, but at him, at Kichiro. Even he had to understand his limits, the things he was and wasn't ready for.
And even after he got all worked up, he got scared, and he looked me in the eyes with a trace of fear in his own, he still wanted to act strong.
"…No… I don't understand… When did you decide to be a good-natured angel? Four fucking hours ago?!"
"…" Kichiro wanted to speak, but he had to compose himself first, something he couldn't do at the moment.
"Didn't you say you'd thought about this for a long time, that you were tired of being like this? Are you giving up so easily? No, please tell me, because I don't understand..."
"…I-I know it's a bad thing…A-and I wanted to change…But-"
"What the hell?! Are you still having these intentions?! And what assures me that you won't throw in the towel as soon as we leave here?! Do you really want me to trust someone so fucking pathetic?!"
"…"
Kichiro no longer just appeared to be afraid, but he was also hurt, not only by what he did, but also by every insult she threw in his face.
"I'm not going to trust you ever again!… Putting me through all that… Knowing what had happened… …! No! I don't find it funny at all!"
I couldn't completely hide my own fear as I recalled what had happened. It had only been a day, still incredibly recent. How could I not remember all those voices, those looks, those people? Everything… There was nothing I could forget.
I tried to hide it, to correct that 'weakness' with more anger.
"…I… Sorry…"
Kichiro didn't know what else to do, except apologize. His composure and confidence had practically collapsed just from listening to me and looking me in the eye, things he never stopped doing.
Seeing him just reminded me of being in class. And just thinking about it-
'Fucking monster.' 'See? He's like a runaway bull.' 'You shouldn't hang out with him...' 'How does he still have friends?' 'Disgusting.'
With a red glow in his eyes, he said:
'It's your fault'
"I don't want to hear from you anymore! Not even apologize… Not anything! Go away! Get out of here now ! I don't want to see you again! I won't believe anything you tell me, you fucking bastard!"
As I yelled at him, letting out all my frustrations on and at him, my eyes began to moisten, as if they were about to shed tears.
"You're not my friend anymore, I don't care about you! That's why…!"
"…Riku…" Kichiro saw through the flames of my expression, the frustration, the fear, the depression that was eating away at me. He was worried about me when he saw me react like that, even after saying such horrible and cruel things.
I didn't let him do something like that.
"...GO AWAY!"
I got as close to him as I could, taking a step forward, as I let out that scream. I didn't know what I was going to do, but it was clear I didn't come closer because I wanted to. Kichiro didn't take a step back.
"-"
"…?!"
Before I could say or do anything, I felt someone grabbing my right shoulder. It was Daiki.