"Riku. Stop."
Daiki was completely serious, his strong grip showing the rage he no longer wanted to show, but was forced to use.
It was a much less expressive anger than before, but just as intense. He was bullying and belittling his friend, after all.
I reacted to the grip by jerking my shoulder free. Once free, I turned around, easily redirecting my anger toward Daiki once more.
"I told you I'd kick your butt if you ever spoke again."
"And I'm telling you to stop. You're not going to do anything to Kichiro."
"What? You're not going to leave me?"
"No, I'm not going to leave you."
"Come on, let's go, do something."
"…"
"You don't have the balls. You couldn't hit me. You couldn't hit a friend, could you?"
I was teasing him mostly because I knew he wasn't going to hit me, no matter how angry he was. Kichiro had managed to calm him down a bit, so I thought I could do whatever I wanted.
I didn't want him to hit me. I'm not a masochist, especially knowing how weak I was. But I egged him on. I don't know why I did it, but I egged him on. Was that what I deserved, to be hit? Or did he just want to screw me over a little more?
"Yes, you're right, I couldn't hit a friend…"
"See? You're just a clown-"
"…!"
A strange sound was heard as I fell. When everything came back to normal, I noticed a sharp pain in my right cheek, which had ripped my tongue with my teeth while I was talking, and I was lying on the ground.
Daiki punched me in the face without hesitating for a single moment.
After hitting me, he waved his hand, as if the blow had hurt him. I knew full well he'd hit me with intent, since I couldn't stand the sensation on my cheek and mouth.
The ground felt softer than usual, but that wasn't the point. It hurt, a horrible sensation. I could taste the blood oozing from my own tongue, its metallic aftertaste making me want to spit it all out; and that's exactly what I did.
Kichiro was surprised and worried to see me spit blood, and he didn't hesitate to throw it in Daiki's face.
"Daiki! Don't you think you've gone too far?! It wasn't even that…"
"I don't care if you think it's not that big a deal. I know exactly how much he's been through, and besides, I had to shut him up..."
Daiki, having finished talking to Kichiro, turned back to face me, while I was still lying on the ground.
"Riku, take back everything you said… no, first of all, calm down for once."
" C-calm down?! After you hit me like that?!"
I was trying to hide both my shock and pain under a mask of pure irony. I wasn't doing a very good job at it.
"You wanted me to hit you, and so I did. If you apologize, not just to Kichiro, but to me too—"
"With you?! Shouldn't it be the other way around?! You're the one who started all this, how do you expect me to react?!"
"Again with…!"
Daiki cut himself off before making another excuse, sighing in the process. Afterward, his expression changed, showing more emotion, especially regret.
"…I shouldn't have reacted like that, that's true… I know, because I've had a moment to think."
"So you've stopped thinking now too?! Because it seems like you haven't understood anything he said-!"
"You're the one who hasn't heard a damn thing!"
Daiki looked disgusted and disappointed, as if his earlier regret didn't matter at all. I got up from the floor, tired of having to be on the defensive, stamping my feet where I'd been sitting.
"Then your situation would be worse! If you heard him, then why are you hitting me, huh?!"
"…You weren't going to listen to me if I didn't, and besides, you said it yourself, that you were going to 'break my fucking mouth'."
"…Hehe…no, wait…Did you really think I was going to do th-?"
"And do you really think it's time to act like an idiot? No... from the beginning. Why are you acting like this? Do you just like being clever now?"
Daiki blurted out something that had been lingering in the air since the beginning. Something much stranger than Kichiro's positive attitude, something that didn't seem to come from anywhere.
And even if it didn't make sense, he still acted that way, "consciously," if emotions are part of consciousness.
But that sarcasm and irony was just what he wanted to show, very different from what he really felt, trying to hide it as much as he could...
"…And what does it matter that-?"
...in a useless way.
"It's obvious you're forcing yourself. It's obvious it's fake, for God's sake... I don't want... I don't want to see you act like this..."
Daiki didn't seem angry anymore; he didn't seem to want to be. He was still confused, seeing me acting so abnormally, and wanted to know why. Deep down, he still didn't want to give up on me.
"But how much of what you're saying is actually a lie? Look, I'm really, more than anything, sorry. I... It was selfish of me to get so angry..."
"No… no… I've already told Kichiro, and now I'm telling you… I don't give a damn if you apologize."
" And this is serious too?!"
"Yes, I am very serious! Why would I lie?"
"So… How do you expect me to take you seriously with that face?"
"Hey?"
Fear. Disbelief. Pain. Sadness. Tension. Annoyance. Anger. There were so many things I wanted to hide, infiltrated on my face; it looked like a horrendous scene. A desperate look, with no idea what to do at any given moment, and a mouth that spoke for itself, its smile trying to maintain the act as much as possible.
"Th-that doesn't mean anything!"
"If it doesn't mean anything, is everything you've said before a lie too?"
"… What do you mean?"
"…Saying that I didn't care about her, that I just 'wanted to sleep with her'… If you say all that, it's because you do care about her…"
"…A-are you really telling me that you didn't care about her?!"
"Are you stupid?! I don't even mean that!"
Daiki took a moment to calm himself down.
" No… what I mean is, all of that is a lie too."
Annoyed at having to repeat myself, I corrected him, "I already told you I was serious about all of that."
"And as long as you're talking to me with that face, I'm not going to believe you. I already know it's a lie, but seeing you saying it, and insisting on it now, makes it even clearer to me."
A brief silence. I was left with no ideas about what to do. I was thinking about hitting him, trying to blame him, but if I did, he'd hit me again… Did I really want to feel pain again?
My tongue is already bleeding, it hurts to speak...
"And… You're not the only person I have to apologize to, and I'm not the only one you have to apologize to…"
"…I haven't done anything to Kichiro."
Daiki looked slightly annoyed at my statement.
"Kichiro is another person who deserves a proper apology, but I'm not talking about him… Don't you realize where you are?"
At first, I didn't understand what he was saying. It took me a moment, a moment in which I forced myself to think. When I did, all I could realize was something horrible.
"I myself… I shouldn't have done this in any situation, much less here."
The cemetery, and specifically, the one in front of Amaya's grave, and therefore, my grandparents' as well, were next to it, after all.
No… I don't… I haven't done anything wrong .
"I'm not one to say this, but aren't you ashamed of acting like this here?"
Daiki was genuinely upset, disgusted, just by the thought that I had never considered anything that was around me.
" What would she think if she saw you doing this in front of her grave?"
"Really…? No… I know you cared about her, more than any of us. You care so much about her, but you can't show her any respect."
Be quiet.
"I'm sorry, but I can't silence a memory… It's an image, after all."
Amaya, playing with me at home. Amaya, playing with my hair, combing it like a girl. Amaya, talking about the TV series she watched the other day. Amaya, walking beside me through the classroom hallways. The three of us together, talking in the playground.
Amaya, with dark circles under her eyes. Amaya, locked in her room, hardly ever bothering to check on me. Amaya, just before I left... she... was sleeping...
I didn't bother to say goodbye...
"…But I still think you care. I know you well enough to know that!"
"You didn't just leave her stranded that day."
Be quiet.
"Please… I want to apologize properly… This is all wrong…"
He was hurt. Now that Daiki could think again, he saw the horror of his outburst of anger, right at the moment he stopped feeling it. It was nothing more than an impulse trying to take over him.
"Every day, every hour, every minute she stayed locked in her room was a waste. You abandoned her there, too."
' It's your fault...' 'It's your fault.' 'It's your fault!'
"Please…"
Daiki was on the verge of tears again, remembering everything Kichiro had said earlier. Kichiro was also there, standing, waiting for me to finally calm down, for us to be able to talk…
"I will never let you forget it, forget what a terrible person you are."
I whispered, "No…"
I whispered, and clenched my fist.
In the end, deep down, I was still angry… At what, that's what I didn't know. The only thing I knew for sure was that I didn't care how they felt, the pain I would feel afterward, it didn't matter.
Without thinking, I swung my fist at Daiki's face and hit him. He took the blow, his face disappointed, but he didn't fight back. He tried to stop me by grabbing my arms, but I broke free and hit him again.
He blocked every blow I directed at his face with his arms, and tried to immobilize me every chance he got, but all attempts proved futile. Yes, I was weak, but Daiki was holding back, enough to keep me from hurting him, and enough to allow me to free myself.
I only stopped hitting him when I was completely tired, when my body wouldn't let me go on. Daiki saw the perfect opportunity and grabbed me by the collar of my shirt. I accepted it, as it was going to hurt again.
I waited. I waited, and he did nothing, didn't speak, didn't shake his fist at me, nothing.
"…Let me go."
I called out to him, tired. He didn't answer; he was staring at the floor, and I could barely see his face.
"...Let me go!"
This time his grip was really strong, as he was only holding on to my clothes. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't do anything.
"Let me go at once!"
I pleaded with him one last time before he spoke back, his voice pained and a little desperate.
"Stop… It doesn't matter anymore that you don't apologize, just stop…"
"I told you to let me go! And you know I'm not going to apologize for something you started!"
Daiki held me, and Kichiro didn't know what to do but watch. He was probably dying to say something, to avoid leaving Daiki with all the work of convincing me, but something inside him wouldn't let him speak.
Little by little, I lost my energy, my will to continue, as Daiki held me. There was still a part of me that just wanted to hit him, but given my options, it was better to give up.
All those emotions that once coated my voice, that pride and that sarcasm, everything that had been stuck in my throat, were gone.
"… Please, let me go at once…"
"…I'll hold you again if you try to hit me."
"… I won't do it."
Even after all this, he still had the audacity to beg. Even more impressive is that Daiki actually let me go.
I could hit him, do it again. It felt so good before, I could keep doing it now, but I knew full well he'd hold me back again if I did; he was still stronger than me.
We stared at each other, in an atmosphere that never let go of the tension Daiki had imposed. It was I who now maintained it.
I couldn't tell how Daiki felt, or what he was thinking at that moment. His expression was too complex for me to know. Could he possibly know how I felt?
I didn't even know how I felt at that moment, so it was impossible.
For a moment, Daiki seemed as if he was going to say something, that he was going to speak again, to try to reason with me, since I seemed to have calmed down.
The only reason he didn't do it was because of something that caught his attention much more.
A little way off, someone could be seen approaching, going at a brisk pace, not really running. Daiki had his back to him, so Kichiro and I were the only ones who could see him.
When that person approached, that's when I was able to know who it was.
"…I'm so sorry I'm so late… My mom asked me to do a few things. I would have felt bad telling her… Riku?"
It was Naomi, who started apologizing to Daiki and Kichiro for being late, a little exhausted, since she came as quickly as she could, and she put aside any excuses or reasons for being so late when she saw me there. He came with a plastic bag in his hand, so maybe what he said wasn't a lie.
Daiki turned around as soon as he heard her voice.
"Naomi…"
He arrived very late, at a bad time. First he was surprised to see me, then to see that I had a bruise on my cheek, he was surprised to see Kichiro so nervous, then to see something lying on the ground, and Daiki, just as surprised as he was, with another bruise on his face.
"What happened?"
Naomi and Daiki glared at each other, causing Daiki to completely ignore me. Yes, he was ignoring me.
That smile returned to my face, and I gathered strength in my arm and hand, now curled into a fist. I was ready to do it… But someone stopped me.
"Riku, stop!"
Kichiro, seeing how I was preparing again, decided to put his cowardice aside, running towards me, and grabbing my right arm with both hands, almost as if he was going to hug it.
I saw him approach me, warn me, and grab me. Daiki and Naomi also saw Kichiro approach me, barely giving me time to react. All of this bothered me.
"Leave me alone!"
Just waving my arm wasn't enough; it wouldn't let go. I had to go for something stronger, something more efficient. Thinking, I came up with a solution.
With the same arm Kichiro was holding, I tried to lunge at him with an elbow. He didn't expect it, so he didn't defend himself in any way, taking the blow to the chest.
He let out a low groan of pain before being pushed back, narrowly missing the floor. He brought both hands to his chest, as if trying to make the pain stop.
"R-Riku!" Daiki looked disappointed once again, as well as annoyed, trying to approach me to confront me again, only he was too slow.
Naomi got there first, getting as close to me as she could and grabbing me by the collar of my shirt, just like Daiki did.
"Why did you do that?!"
Naomi was clearly angry with me after seeing me hit Kichiro, wanting to get the explanation out of me right away.
"And what happened?!"
I didn't understand anything. How could I? I wanted to find some explanation for this tense situation, while he pressured me to speak. Not a word came out of my mouth.
"Answer me!"
He didn't want to say anything. He didn't want to feel anything. He shouldn't have said anything in the first place; there was no point in staying silent now.
"Let me…"
It expressed not only pain, but also despair, regret, anguish, although all in its mildest form, maintaining a pathetic and pitiful neutrality.
"Just tell me that-!"
"Naomi, we'll tell you later, just leave him. We're leaving."
Daiki was the one who interrupted Naomi, who was now annoyed with me, and only with me. He was tired; he was no longer interested in trying to calm me down or reason with me. He decided to leave, but he wasn't going to do it alone.
Naomi turned around to complain about what Daiki was saying.
"But…!"
"…I also think it's better if we leave Riku alone."
"…"
Kichiro was the one who answered, sharing Daiki's thoughts. Naomi didn't want to let me go; she wanted to know not only why I had hit Kichiro, but also why we were all in such a deplorable state.
In the end, he had to give in. He let go of me, saying one last thing, in a deep tone of frustration.
"…Are you not even going to tell me anything else?"
Thus, he was completely excluded, at least until he was told what had happened. But that temporary exclusion wasn't the important thing.
Daiki was the first to start leaving, without warning. Naomi took a moment, but followed him, quickly catching up. Kichiro was the last to start leaving.
For a moment, he stopped completely, before truly leaving, to look back, to look at me. He had a pained, sad, broken expression, on the verge of tears, and with that expression, while looking into my eyes, he said a single word, with a great deal of regret behind it.
"… Bye bye."
I didn't leave; I just stood there, staring blankly, my mind wandering. What was I supposed to do at that moment?
No matter what it was, I couldn't do more than that.
Standing still, doing nothing, watching them go, losing sight of them. First it was Daiki, then Naomi, and finally, Kichiro.
I stood alone in front of Amaya's grave, one hand clutching my chest tightly.