The train arrived at the station I wanted to get off at. I paid attention to my surroundings as it stopped, and the name of the stop crossed my ears.
I didn't need to take the train to go to a flower shop; there was one half an hour from the school. But that's where the half hour I'll be walking, without really doing anything else, comes into play.
I was going home to pick up the headphones I forgot to bring. The store won't close if I go home for a moment to pick them up, and if the one here closes, I can easily go downtown.
I can't stand going out without listening to music. The only reason I'd be interested in going out alone is for that very reason. I've seen the city so much, and I don't want to go visit another city; it gives me the creeps.
I'd love to do it, to be able to take a trip to a place I've never been, but I don't trust myself very much. I'm sure I'll end up lost, not knowing how to get home. I wouldn't do it unless I was with someone.
The subject has never come up with them, but it was enough for me to hang out with them here, in the same old places.
One thing in my favor was that, as usual, there was hardly anyone on the street. And luckily, the way back to my house didn't go past Otsuki's house, and I'd definitely take a detour if it did.
Come to think of it, if they were going to Otsuki's house through my neighborhood, shouldn't I run into them on the train?
I was worried when I thought about that, but I immediately thought of a solution. If I always leave early, like I did on Friday, nothing should happen.
Of course I should wake up earlier, but I'm always sleepy when I wake up, whether I've slept 2, 8, or 10 hours, I don't care if I lose 1 hour of sleep.
With my keys, I let myself into the house, went up to my room to get my headphones, and left. I didn't have much else to do there.
Putting my entertainment before my duty was selfish, but I had plenty of time. No one's going to hold this against me, because no one's going to know in the first place. It's not like someone who knows me is going to show up and call me out every time I do something wrong.
"…"
And what I said isn't exactly going to happen just because I said it. Sometimes it seems like I want these things to happen just to make my life more interesting. I've had enough of this; I don't want any more things to deal with.
First of all, I already have a hard time dealing with myself…
With my headphones on and the music playing, I returned to the stop to wait for the next train, which wouldn't be long in coming. There were a few people waiting for the train, all adults except for one boy somewhere near me.
He looked nervous. Not because he showed it with his face, but he was constantly looking at his clothes, combing his hair, and checking the time.
If I were given a coin for the number of times I've watched something straight from a romance, I'd have two, which isn't a lot, but considering the number of hours it's, it's rare.
Have a little faith in yourself, man. You'll probably arrive an hour earlier than scheduled and find her waiting for you.
The boy glanced in my direction for a moment. I stopped gossiping instantly, staring at the train tracks.
It caught me off guard, and all I could think about was that he'd seen me looking at him. Just so you know, I'm not gay, man. Please don't hit me.
I should stop looking at people, specifically people my age.
…I don't care what others think of me, deep down. It's enough for me not to stand out too much, both in the good and the bad.
I want to be normal enough and just normal enough to be able to talk to them, I don't need to get anyone else's attention if I don't need to.
I'm not going to walk down the street in an ahegao sweatshirt, but I'm also not going to dress like a playboy, or even like a person with a decent sense of fashion. And the latter definitely isn't because I don't know how to dress, not at all.
The train arrived, just at the moment when my internal monologue ceased.
There were more people inside than before, but it wasn't that bad. It's a very specific line, which only serves a handful of specific people who live in the area. I prefer this to a packed train.
And now I could really look outside. Looking outside on its own is silly, but it's much better when you have music playing. It's much easier to disconnect, since you only have to pay attention to not falling if you're standing, and you don't have to do anything if you're sitting. In this case, I was sitting.
I feel a certain calm when traveling like this. As long as I'm not looking at a screen, I don't get motion sickness on the train, so I always have the opportunity to pass the time this way. I wouldn't go outside specifically to take the subway—I don't think anyone would enjoy that—but I prefer to enjoy something that's obligatory rather than having to endure it.
There have been times when I've fallen asleep on the train, especially when I was very tired, or the atmosphere was very calm, but there were always people who woke me up.
At that moment, I was resting my arm on an armrest, so that I could rest my head on my hand.
Music was all I thought about from that moment on, and all I paid attention to. I liked the simple fact of having something interesting in the background, and not having to listen to the noise of people talking or the train moving.
It was just me, me, and my music. But something was missing. Something wasn't right. This wasn't normal…
"…"
Naturally, I started closing my eyes, so I could focus only on the music, and not have to see the people in front of me.
I listened to the music, or at least, I thought I did, as the sound slowly faded from my mind. My ears fell asleep, the rest of my senses fell asleep.
In the end, I ended up falling asleep on the subway. I guess all those requirements I mentioned were met.