I can't stand having responsibilities.
I always feel like I'm incapable of doing them, that I'm still too immature, more so than I should be at my age.
I think I'm going to fail at any task assigned to me. Do I do it because I'll end up failing, or out of fear of actually failing?
If I fail thinking I was going to fail, it won't be that bad, but if I fail thinking I was going to succeed, it will leave me devastated. It will leave me much worse off than if I thought it was going to turn out badly.
Plus, if it turns out well, I'll feel better about myself, because even though I thought it was going to go badly, it ends up being much better than I expected.
On the other hand, I may simply be pessimistic, which I don't deny either. Either way, I end up thinking the same thing: that even in the simplest and most common tasks, I'm going to fail.
Do I not believe in my abilities? Perhaps the problem isn't that I can't carry out those responsibilities because of my lack of skill, attention, or something else that prevents me from doing so. Perhaps the problem is that I don't want to accept that responsibility.
Being responsible for something means that people have expectations of you, it is your responsibility, after all.
I'm not afraid of doing something wrong. When I think about it, I usually don't care, unless it's something that directly affects me, or something I care about.
The only thing I pay attention to are the impressions, the reactions of people and their thoughts when they see me fail.
They are the ones who created me, the ones who introduced me to society. They look at me with those hateful eyes every time I make a mistake, and they look at me with indifference when I do something right, no matter how big their smile is, or how gentle their tone. At least, it feels that way.
The only influence an individual has is their way of acting. Depending on how they see themselves, they'll do one thing or another, say one thing or another. But in the end, what matters most to this insignificant world is the general opinion, the average.
If many people think you're a murderer, you'll be a murderer. If many people think you're a pedophile, you'll be a pedophile.
I don't want to accept my responsibilities for that very reason, because I can fail, because I can do them wrong, and if I do them wrong, everyone will see me as useless.
But if I ignore them completely, they'll see me as a lazy person, as someone who just keeps bothering themselves all day long.
So, I'm forced to do them. There are times when I'm just too lazy to do them, almost always. Most of the things are in private situations.
Taking out the trash, setting the table, sweeping my room—these are things I'm too lazy to do, and if I don't do them, someone else will do them for me. In a way, it discourages me from doing them. There's no punishment, other than a little warning, and they'll be done anyway.
"But now, who's going to do them? Your father still has to work."
You can do them another time. If I get really bored, I'll do them myself, even though I probably won't feel like it.
It's still the same, too. Someone will do them for me eventually. I don't have to waste my energy on them. Only the responsibilities that affect my public image matter; they'll forgive me for anything I do.
"He*"
For those other responsibilities, I have to put in the effort, worry about them. Who knows what might happen if I do them wrong, and even more so if I don't do them at all. It's too much.
That's why when I fail, even if I think I'm going to fail, it still hurts, even if it's a little less. I'm afraid of not being able to fix it, or of not being able to show what I'm capable of.
"What are you capable of in the first place?"
…I don't know. To know if I can do something, I first have to try it.
"Have you tried doing things on your own?"
Yes, many, so many I couldn't possibly mention them right now. The one I remember most right now is when I sang at the… convention.
"No, I mean on your own, nothing motivated by anyone. What things have you done yourself?"
Well, if you put it that way. Studying, sometimes, cleaning my room. There are still things I've done on my own.
"There you were pushed by the responsibilities you hate so much. You study because it's your duty, you clean your room because it's what you have to do. Duty, and only duty, compels you to do these things. I repeat the question: What have you done, all alone, Riku? Not out of duty, but out of pleasure, for the art of doing something."
…I can't think of anything, but I've done something, I'm sure…
"I hate the way you run away, just like you hate doing simple things like that."
'It's just pathetic.' 'At your age, don't you do things like that?' 'I did more than this when I was little.' 'Useless.'
'It's normal that someone like you hit her.'