I always was a bright, cheerful child. Or at least, that's what people would say.
I wasn't always like this.
Or maybe I was ?
No I do recall some bliss years of sweet innocence.
I can trace it back to when I was 16 years old.
That birthday was… peculiar.
On every previous birthday, I would light a candle to celebrate my own existence. A small ritual. A habit.
But that year… I didn't light anything.
Instead, I had already left the family house. I was living alone, somewhere a few countries away. Not too far, technically. Close enough to call it "neighbors," far enough to feel like another life entirely.
Was I lonely?
That's a difficult question.
I wasn't sad. Not exactly.
I wasn't missing home either. Not really.
Although… I did miss the food. I really did. I love food.
Haha…
I couldn't tell what I was feeling, if I was feeling anything at all.
Maybe I wasn't lonely.
Or maybe I was.
It's hard to tell
At that time, I had learned something about myself, I didn't feel things strongly. Or maybe I stopped feeling them properly. I was extremely confused.
Whenever I got into trouble with my parents, I would become terribly anxious. So anxious that I would physically fall sick. Ridiculous, isn't it?
How naive I was back then...
And friends?
I didn't really have any. Not even one.
People like to classify personalities, introvert, extrovert, ambivert, and all the likes of those but I never fit into any of them properly.
Because I could speak in public. Easily. Confidently.
I could stand in front of a crowd and talk as if I belonged there.
If not for the language barrier, as a fact...
I could speak to the world if I wanted to.
And yet…
I was still alone.
So what was I?
Brave? Cowardly? Lucky?
My father never believed in luck. So if it wasn't luck, then what was it?
Because I didn't work hard enough to call it effort. I was a mess back then.
And still…
Somehow, I ended up in university at 16.
That is my only real pride.
Some people say I'm lucky.
Some say I'm very lucky.
A few even say I'm smart.
Well…
Which one to believe? Haha
Because as time went on, I started getting more and more lost.
And I never asked for help.
Not because I didn't need it.
But because I didn't let it in.
I called it voluntary isolation.
That's how I ended up here.
Ha… ha ha ha.
April 14th
05:00 AM
Ring.
Ring.
Ring.
The alarm cuts through the silence.
He groans and turns it off without opening his eyes.
He lies there for a moment longer… then slowly gets up.
He walks to his cupboard, reaches for his clothes, and pauses.
The date.
He stares at it.
A long sigh escapes him.
"I really hate this day."
Love.
All those people will go out today… laughing, embracing each other like it means something.
Fake fools
He exhales.
"I should just stay home. I don't want to end up frustrated."
He falls back onto the bed.
Two hours pass.
Then
He jolts awake.
"Oh. I have class today, don't I?"
" Wow what a way to start the day "
He moves quickly now.
Shower. Brush. Get dressed.
A simple jogging suit.
He takes his glasses from the nightstand
Then he leaves.
Calm steps.
Controlled breathing.
A smile on his face.
That smile...
The smile he always wears.
The one people believe is genuine.
And on that day…
It worked again.