Chapter 5
Another morning, another day. Waking up and performing the Morning Sacred Ritual of Snorting — or, to cut the pomposity, just washing my face — I stood in my little kitchen, yawning, puttering over a simple breakfast.
While the frying pan sizzled, I got to thinking about how to live my life going forward. And these thoughts covered everything: from "Should I cut my hair? Even shoulder-length takes forever to deal with" and "What can I make from an egg, leftover milk, and egg noodles?" all the way to "Where the hell do I find more money for my research?" and "Is it maybe not too late to bail?" I was so deep in thought, so completely out of it, that only something from outside could snap me back. And that something showed up real quick.
"KO-RU-CHAAAAAAAAN!!!" My window flew open, and a smiling blonde head poked through. "GOOD MORNING, DATTEBANE!!!!"
"Not Koru — Kaoru!!!" I fired back on autopilot before my brain even caught up. "Naruko! For the love of the benevolent Kami, don't shout like that! My heart nearly jumped out of my chest."
"Oh... um..." The girl faltered, awkwardly climbing onto the windowsill. But the blonde's brief pang of conscience didn't last. Pretty soon she was craning her neck and twisting her head, trying to peek around me at the stove.
"Eh, what can you expect from you?.." I scolded my noisy neighbor, but without any real bite. It's like water off a duck anyway. I was even starting to think I'd been a little too hasty, inviting her over for breakfast a few times. On the other hand — just knowing a young girl lives on nothing but instant noodles day after day practically causes me physical pain. It drives me up the wall. And since, as it turned out, Naruko absolutely cannot cook, I decided to take matters into my own hands.
So here's what came of it. At first Uzumaki made excuses and was clearly kind of embarrassed, but by the fourth or fifth time she'd completely reverted to her true self — with everything that comes with it. For instance, Naruko sees absolutely nothing wrong with barging in through my window. Straight from sleep, no less. In her pajamas! Though I have to say — shuriken and kittens on pink look pretty cute, and they contrast hilariously with her disheveled golden mane.
"What smells so good?!" My personal reason for having my food budget practically doubled sniffed the air. Hopping off the window, she padded barefoot across the floor and started peering around me from every angle. "Mmm, it's gotta be yummy!.. Just a ta— Ow!!!"
"Hands. Did you wash them?" I asked in my best secret-police tone, decisively blocking the young jinchuriki's attempt to grab the finished toast with a swift wooden-spatula strike.
"Oh, Koru-chan..." The blonde whined pitifully, putting on the most miserable face she could manage. Nope! Once, twice — by the third time this trick doesn't work on me anymore. I've toughened up enough to resist! So instead of pity, the cheeky mug got another light swat — this one to the forehead. "Oww!.."
"Puppy-dog eyes won't work. Don't even try — I said no!" I'm holding firm. Holding firm! I won't give in, I won't give in! Damn it, she knows exactly what weapon she's got and she uses it shamelessly.
"Boo, you meanie." The blonde puffed her cheeks out but obediently plopped down at the table.
"Patience is a blessing," I said sagely, setting out the plates. "Well then..."
"ITADAKIMASU!" the girl announced loudly, diving into breakfast. "Mmm?! Ish dewishus!"
"Chew first, then talk," I scolded. Just bread soaked in milk and egg, and yet such sincere praise... Hah. Don't let it go to my head.
"Uh-hmm! Koru-chan, delicious as always!! Om-nom-nom..."
"Glug-glug-glug... PU-HAAAaa! I'm stuffed!" Naruko declared happily, draining her mug of herbal tea in one go. "Thanks, Koru-chan!"
"Ka-O-ru!" It's hopeless, isn't it? "You're welcome, Naruko-chan."
Stuffed? No wonder. I'm honestly shocked that this tiny belly can hold almost THREE times what mine can! Where does it all go??? Or does she really eat for two — and the second one's very, very "a bit bigger" than she is? How exactly does having a Tailed Beast affect a jinchuriki, besides the well-known instability stuff? I should really look into that when I've got some free time.
"Hey, hey... Koru-chan..." Amazingly, the Uzumaki sitting across from me was fidgeting awkwardly, staring into her empty mug with an embarrassed look. "It's... well, you know?.. Like, um..." Naruko... hesitant?! Kami-sama, now I'm actually scared of what's coming next. This is so unlike this hasty, overconfident person that it's genuinely unsettling. Meanwhile, Naruko broke off her incoherent mumbling, then — suddenly straightening up — burst out: "KORU-CHAN, TEACH ME HOW TO COOK!!!!"
"Eh?!" I was ready for a lot of things, but... cooking?! I wonder how wide my eyes are right now. I'm seriously afraid they're very, very wide.
"Well... y'see?.." The blonde started explaining, once again hunting for something at the bottom of her empty cup. "I've been thinking... a lot. You cook really good, Koru-chan, right?.. Really delicious — I like it a ton! And it's... I... mm... heard somewhere... That boys like o-bento... and I, well... yeah!"
"Ah, got it!" The world snapped back into focus the moment I grasped the core issue. "You wanna treat Sakurai to a homemade lunch, but you can't cook, so you want me to teach you. That it?"
"Uh-huh!!! Koru-chan, you're smart! You got it right away!" The blonde beamed, instantly back to her usual self.
"Not Koru..." I shook my head. No, it really is hopeless. "I don't mind, but are you sure? Cooking's not as easy as it looks — it's hard work and takes a lot of skill."
"I can handle it, dattebane!!!" the inspired girl exclaimed. "There's nothing Uzumaki Naruko can't do!!!"
"Well, fair warning: I told you. You decided this yourself."
"YES! Uzumaki doesn't go back on her decisions!!! TEACH ME, KORU-SENSEI!"
All I could do was hide the smile creeping onto my face. Such... naivety. Absolutely charming! I think I'm gonna thank Sakurai today. Motivation is huge — and the blonde, on top of everything else, isn't just motivated, she's also stubborn as a rock. Now she'll break her forehead before she backs down. Way too stubborn. Well... at least now she'll finally learn how to cook.
Oh, if only I'd known what I was signing up for!..
D-rank missions. The simplest, safest, lowest-paying, most boring jobs a shinobi can do. Babysitting, dog-walking, cleaning up grounds... These missions are bland, totally risk-free, and there's always a ton of them. At first, genin do exactly these — until their jonin instructor decides they're ready for something bigger.
Still, boring as they are, these missions aren't useless. By doing them, genin provide some benefit — however small — to their Village and the people in it. They learn to work together, cooperate, labor side by side... And hey — there's money! Sure, "low-paying" is only by the standards of an experienced, established shinobi. The usual pay for these missions runs from one to five thousand ryo. Even with about a third going to the instructor, the rest is more than enough for the genin to cover their needs — with a little left over. On average, 200-300 ryo a day is enough to live on. And if you really need to, you can save up a decent sum in a couple weeks of hard work.
So while the young genin grumbled, yanking weeds and walking dogs and watching brats, I was perfectly happy with how things were going. And why not? The work's annoying and tedious sometimes, but it's not dangerous — and the money keeps coming in.
But there's one thing even I don't like. And the cause of this discontent is Akashi.
Every day played out the same, down to almost the tiniest details: in the morning we meet Hatake — or rather, a clone. Yep, with a little help from Naruko I've finally started to kind of tell the copy from the original, using my abilities — in front of the Hokage Residence. We grab one or two missions, carry them out under the clone's supervision until about mid-afternoon. Turn in the missions, get paid, go our separate ways. That's it.
That's been the script of Team Seven's life for a month now. And this is exactly what I absolutely hate. Hate it so much that I've decided to stick my neck out again and speak up.
"Wait, Akashi-sensei!" I quickly grab the sensei's sleeve before she can vanish in some unknown direction. This time — for variety's sake, apparently — she's actually here in the flesh.
"Yes, yes, Nagisa-kun?" The jonin put on a polite face. "Did you want something?"
"You know what. We talked about this yesterday. And the day before," I began patiently. "And all of last week too."
"AH, yes, right!" Akashi smiled. "About what?"
"Training, sensei. Training!" Patience. Patience. She just likes getting a rise out of people, so she's playing senile. Knowing that, instead of getting annoyed, I summon all my patience, chant mantras in my head, and keep smiling politely. "I discussed this... with your clones."
"Mmaa... I don't have a lot of time right now, you know?.." Hatake waved her hands vaguely. "I'm supervising your team, and I've got my own missions, all kinds of things..."
Kami-sama, this is so unconvincing even a moron could tell: Akashi just doesn't want to do anything! She's not even trying to lie in a way that remotely sounds true!
"Akashi-san, what about training?!" Let's try coming at this from the other side. I'll play the stubborn mule who just doesn't get hints. "Be nice to train a little, build up some new skills..."
"We're working on teamwork right now. Teamwork." She looked at me with the air of a Wise Instructor Gazing Upon A Wayward Student. "We're so focused on that, it takes up almost all our time."
"Yes, that's great." I nod. Akashi narrows her eye, pleased. "But what about training?!"
"..." Hatake squinted. I smile POLITELY. Looks like Akashi's figured out that this time, I'm not letting her off the hook so easy. "You know, Nagisa-kun... I suppose I could spare a tiny bit of time for teaching. My schedule is very, very packed, but I think... An hour or so, in a couple days?"
"And what about the team, sensei?! They need training too!!!" Oh no. If I'm putting on pressure, I'm going all the way! I'm not letting go of this white-haired woman until I've squeezed her dry.
"Mm... That's impossible," Akashi smiled with her eye. "Kaoru-kun, even though your overall levels are roughly similar, teaching you all together is way too inefficient in terms of effort. The genin had their own prep program — you're self-taught, right? Sure, they've brought you up to speed on the basics, but there's still a gap, and it's not in your favor. On top of that, you've got your own... specialization, and it's completely incompatible with mine. There's not much I can give you." The woman spread her hands disarmingly. "Oh, I know! How about some chakra control exercises? They're very difficult — should keep you busy for a good while."
"If you mean surface-walking, I can already do that," I informed her, my smile unwavering. I really can. I can even walk on water — though I still sink occasionally if I get distracted. But still — I can do it! Though the "upper paths" are still giving me some trouble. But I'm working on those!
Akashi's eye looked just a touch sadder. She realized simple exercises weren't gonna buy her off. Oh, looks like she's thought of something! See how her gaze changed — now she looks satisfied, even a little condescending. Akashi's definitely cooked up something nasty.
"Oh, well in that case!.." The jonin drew it out, not even hiding her satisfaction. "You'll have your training, Apprentice! You will. I'll get everything ready, and we start tomorrow."
Akashi vanished into thin air, and a thought crept into my head that I'd just been played. Thoroughly. And with gusto.
"Something in my heart feels off," I muttered under my breath.
And as it turned out the next day, my heart had been right.
"Mm... What's this, sensei?" I asked the very pleased Akashi, holding a hefty stack of handwritten pages bound together with thick cord.
"A training plan, apprentice. A training plan," Akashi practically sang, smiling at me. "Long ago, I trained using this system — kept notes along the way. These are my personal notes, to be honest. But don't worry: everything's laid out with perfect clarity! I only ever wrote down the most important, essential things. You'll manage, trust me!"
"Oh..." was all I could manage. A slow realization began to dawn. I understood EVERYTHING. Damn... Akashi outplayed me. From the look on her face, she could read my thoughts perfectly — which only made her even more pleased. "And... um..."
"Of course, as a good comrade, you won't refuse to share this knowledge with your friends?" Hatake went on with exaggerated enthusiasm, and I could almost physically feel each word like a brass basin dropping onto my head. "You're a team, after all — and you tried so hard to get extra training for everyone!"
"But..." I tried to object.
"Right, I'm off! As their senior, keep an eye on your kohai during the mission, alright? We'll meet up after midday, once you're done. Good luck!" Chopping her speech off right there, Akashi vanished in a cloud of smoke, leaving me alone.
So I just stood there, like an idiot, staring blankly at the tree Akashi had been standing next to, clutching the not-exactly-light stack of paper. A vacuum filled my head.
To sum up what just happened: Akashi had found a perfectly legal way to dodge training both me and the genin team — by simply dumping the second on the first. Meaning, on me. You wanted training and teaching? Here you go! Only, while you're at it, be a dear and "share" with the others.
"Initiative gets punished... doesn't it?" I asked myself and sighed sadly. I flipped through a couple of handwritten pages and sighed even heavier: Akashi's handwriting is... unique. Well... at least I managed to squeeze something out of this irresponsible woman. I hope. "Hmm... Maybe I should bring in Sakurai? He's the top student, after all — maybe he can decipher something in these... in this... well, in this."
Thinking it over, I went looking for my team. They were surely already engaged in a critically important and responsible mission... what was the phrasing again?.. ah, right! They were importantly and responsibly hauling trash out of the merchant quarter.
A new morning of a new day.
"KO-RU-CHAAA... KYAAAAAAaaa!!!!"
Turning toward the screams, I curiously inspected the blonde hanging in my window frame — wrapped up in paper strips like a mummy in a very uncomfortable pose.
"Hm, it works!" I was absolutely thrilled with what I saw. Wrapped up like a cocoon! Nearly a week I'd spent developing and building this trap, and the result had me delighted: the test subj... vict... the involuntary volunteer was firmly bound by the paper strips — and bound pretty damn well. In this position, forming hand seals is damn near impossible, and she doesn't have the physical strength to tear free. Alright, let's note that down: effective against genin and, I'm guessing, weak-to-mid chunin too.
"What is this?! Koru-chaaaan! Is this your sneaky trap, tebane?!" Naruko shouted indignantly, swinging in her prison like a fly in a spider's cocoon. "Arrrrrgh! Stupid papers, let me go!!"
"Quiet, quiet! I'll get you out." Holding back a smile, I walked up to the girl. Touching the cocoon with a finger, I made a few quick movements, tracing an intricate pattern and releasing a bit of spiritual power. The bonds immediately loosened, turning back into ordinary paper strips. "Op!"
I caught Naruko smoothly in my arms and helped her shed the now-softened restraints.
"That was awesome! Teach me!!!" Immediately forgetting her outrage and hurt, Uzumaki demanded — finally pulling a smile out of me.
"And who just called this trap stupid, huh?"
"Well... it's not stupid... it was just unexpected!" The blonde backpedaled instantly. "But it's awesome! I couldn't even do anything before — bam!!.. Teach me, Koru-chan!!"
"Naruko, we haven't even finished those other exercises yet. You giving up already?" I frowned sternly.
"But they're so damn boring!!!" Naruko protested. "And I can already walk on trees just fine! Koru-chaaan! That jerk Uchiha isn't doing them anymore either! And Sakurai-kun too, 'cause he already got it! And anyway, how are stupid trees supposed to make me stronger?!"
"Naruko."
"It's just dumb! Let's learn awesome jutsu instead! I'm sure there's nothing even a little useful in Akashi-sensei's scribbles!"
"Na-ru-ko."
"Pleeease... pwetty pwease, Koru-chan?" Uzumaki pulled out her most effective weapon: big eyes and an innocently pitiful little face.
"Well, alri—" Willpower!!! "No!"
Smack!
"Oww!.." The girl clutched her afflicted crown.
"Haven't I already said those tricks won't work?" I inquired, stroking the edge of my palm with my finger — very meaningfully.
"Koru-chaa... OW!" She leaped away from me, saving her little head from another whack. "Boo, Koru-chan's a big meanie!"
"Naruko, you're like a child." I sighed bitterly, going back to cooking.
"I'm not a child!!" The jinchuriki instantly bristled, looking like a puffed-up golden sparrow.
"And yet that's exactly how you act," I scolded. "Naru-chan, you know you need this. With your control — which barely deserves the name right now — you'd croak faster than Sasuko, even though she's got way less chakra. And sure, she has less chakra, but with her control, she burns through way less too. She just doesn't waste extra on her techniques. You, on the other hand, have zero control over your spending! It's exactly like watering a garden bed with a bucket — except you dump a whole barrel on it and flood everything around. First thing you've gotta do is fix your chakra control. Only then can you move on to anything serious. You get that, right? You're not a stupid girl."
"But it's so boring!" Uzumaki complained, pulling the steaming bowl toward herself. "Mmm, what's this?! Is it miso?"
"No, Naruko. This is a dish from a faraway, snow-covered country. It's called 'borscht.'"
"Borushtu?.." She repeated, carefully studying a spoonful of the rich borscht. I'd gotten up extra early just to make it! It's been forever since I last cooked this... I remember back home, the monks absolutely loved this dish. Rich, fragrant, reddish from the beets — and always with a meaty bone! The nostalgia...
"Borscht, Naruko. Say it sharper: bor-sch-t. Try it! I haven't made it in ages, so I'm not sure it came out perfectly right..."
"Mmm! Delicious! Almost like ramen... but not ramen. Even if it's not ramen — it's tasty!" The girl gave her verdict once the bowl was empty. "Ohh, I'm in heaven... Koru-chan, it's sooo good!"
"I'm very glad." I smiled, pleased by such honest praise. Whatever else you can say, praise always feels nice.
"Hey, hey, Koru-chan?.." called Naruko, who seemed to have decided to finish her morning nap right at the table. Today was our day off — no missions to report for.
"Yes, yes?" I turned from washing the dishes.
"What were you saying about that... you know, that country?"
"What about it?"
"Well, um... what's it like... that word?" Uzumaki mumbled.
"You mean 'snow-covered'?" I guessed.
"Uh-huh! Is it far away?"
"Mm-hmm. Far. Very, very far." Do I miss home? Kind of. Memories tend to get idealized over time, but a little ache of longing still lingers.
"Ooo... I ate a dish from a super-faraway country! So cool!" The girl lit up.
She's so funny.
"Well then, Naruko — ready?" In the afternoon, after finishing control training, we were back in my apartment, treating ourselves to tea and sweets.
"Yes!! I'm gonna make amazing food!" Uzumaki exclaimed, her eyes blazing. Yep, today's the day we start cooking lessons. The girl was overflowing with enthusiasm, which was great to see. Enthusiasm is good. Your state of mind in this business is just as important as your skill.
"Alright — first, we're gonna start with the most important part of cooking."
"Yeaaah!!! Um... what's that? What is it?!" my disciple asked impatiently.
"Naturally — we figure out what we're gonna cook, and from what!" I declared grandly, raising my index finger toward the ceiling. "Think we'll start with something simple... Rice, for example! So today: rice balls. For this we'll need: rice, eggs... What're you standing there for, disciple? Forward! Charge into culinary battle!"
"Yes!! I'll do all this, or my name's not Uzumaki Naruko, dattebane!" Shouting her battle cry, the girl threw herself at the enemy... well, something like that.
Alright, let's see how this goes. It's a pretty simple job — I don't think we'll have any real problems.
So I thought.
"Heh-heh!.. I did it!" Naruko announced joyfully, smearing a white streak of flour under her nose. The blonde was beaming — and this despite being covered head to toe in layers of flour, egg smears, and grains of rice. "C'mon, c'mon, Koru-chan! Look how awesome it came out!"
"Uh-huh..." I nodded convulsively, staring at the plate. And there lay... something. A grayish-brownish-blackish... either smoking or releasing miasma... a quivering mass of unclear composition... and...
"Well?! What do you think?! It turned out great, right?" The girl smiled happily, completely blind to my stupor. Right now she was overflowing with joy, and the whole world seemed like a perfect, happy place to her.
As for me...
Gulp...
Yeeek!! It moved! IT MOVED!!! I swear by the Kami — I saw that Thing MOVE!!!
But the weirdest part is — how?! HOW did Naruko make THIS?! I was watching her! Everything was going perfectly — I stepped away for just a couple minutes — and now THIS is sitting in front of me!
"Well... um..."
"Koru-chan... maybe... you could try it?" The girl asked timidly, blushing a little.
Ugggh!.. Damn it. I... I'm sure of it. If I eat this. If I put even A SINGLE BITE of This into my mouth...
I'll die. Definitely die. Absolutely, definitely die.
But damn it all... When those innocent blue eyes look at me... look at me with so much hope, glistening with anticipation and expectation...
I'm a weakling.
"Well... I'll try..." Gathering all my Courage into a fist, I Bravely separate a small piece with my chopsticks... Sep-a-rate... sep-a-ra-te...! No — I spear the mass onto the chopstick... spear it... spe-e-ear i-i-i-iiit!!!.. "Ah, to hell with it!"
I resolutely grab the damn thing with my fingers and bite off a piece. Biiiite.... Damn, it's like rubber! My teeth won't even cut through... With huge effort that nearly cost me my jaw, I finally tear off a bite and start to chew...
The taste... this taste...
"Well?! Well?!" The girl clenched her fists in agitation, eyes glistening.
Gulp!..
"Ugh..." I swallowed! I... swallowed it.. hm, I think?.. uuugggh! Oh, Kami-sama! "Eee!!!"
"Koru... chan?" Naruko tilted her head to the side in concern, watching as her friend's face slowly shifted from normal to swamp-green. Kaoru convulsed, gasped frantically for air, changed color again — this time to a purplish-blue.
"Naruko... chan..." He rasped slowly.
"Did it... not come out right?" The girl started to worry, beginning to suspect that maybe her cooking hadn't gone quite the way she'd imagined.
"I... don't... think... it... came out..." The boy spoke slowly, with long pauses, his face cycling through colors with no end in sight.
"Oh..." The blonde's face fell.
But before she could say or do anything else, Nagisa snapped out of it and — eyes wild — bolted.
"A-antidote!!! Uuugggh... K-Kami... Antidote?!" Frantic cries rang out from the depths of the apartment. "Eeeeeee!.."
"Oh... Cooking's not as easy as I thought," mused the blue-eyed blonde, gazing thoughtfully at her fallen culinary masterpiece. "Koru-chan said the first time doesn't always work — and that's nothing to worry about. So my first try's just like that. BUT!!! I'm Uzumaki Naruko, and I don't back down! Next time I'll make an even better dish! Or my name's not Uzumaki Naruko!!!"
Kaoru's thoughts, however, were a far cry from Naruko's optimism:
"Eeee!... K-Kami!! Kami-sama!... I'm gonna die!.. eee! Antidote — I need the antidote!!! Ooooh, it's coming out! It's bursting out of meeeeeee! Xeno.. morph!.. it's tearing its way out..."
"EEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
And Kaoru became very, very ill.
Thus ended Uzumaki Naruko's first cooking lesson.