At the first break of morning, though faint and shaded in deep colours, the snow stopped. Its remnants fluttered down like peach blossom petals until it was no more noticeable than a light mist.
The dark and dreary clouds cleared, casting a cool light upon each party member, both still crouched on that cold, white ground.
Not…the same man? Tao Hua thought, his face cast in complete awe, moulded by the fires of disbelief. He was like a feral animal finding out the true meaning of the word "humanity," all in a man further from what it meant to be human, determined by resilience alone.
How much weight did the phrase "From this moment onward, you're not the same man you were back in Siyue Town" really hold?
Tao Hua wasn't really sure what to make of it. In fact, Tao Hua wasn't sure how to react at all! He simply remained dumbfounded the longer he tried to reason with it.
For starters, it was completely out of character for someone like Shan Si, who only ever seemed to worry about himself above others. Tao Hua couldn't help but feel his stomach twist when he thought back to what Shan Si said by the fallen tree—that all his actions were calculated in having Tao Hua exist in that very moment in time.
What was the purpose if he'd switched so easily? Tao Hua's head throbbed in the midst of the complexity.
It was a terrible, terrible memory. Fresh and rancid, curdling worse than spoiled milk. For such a lingering comparison, why was it so easily soothed at the echo of "I'll try to be someone you can call your first friend."
Did he mean it, or was this just another of Shan Si's sick games? The odds weren't in his favour when attributing words only. But mix action into the concoction?
Well, it didn't seem so unrealistic anymore.
Even so, Tao Hua still found himself struggling, trying to decode which of the two was the truth. Either Shan Si was hiding something from him, or he was almost as inept with friends and relationships as Tao Hua.
What experience did Tao Hua have to work with, though? Both could have been true, and Tao Hua would still be none-the-wiser.
After a moment more of Tao Hua's dazed contemplation, Shan Si gave up with a light sigh. There was no getting a response out of a man made of dreams, so he just slapped his hands onto his knees and pushed himself back onto his feet.
Tao Hua, however, remained in a haze, his gaze following him up with the tilt of his neck. Shan Si wasn't certain if Tao Hua had just witnessed the makings of a god, or watched that very god plummet from the heavens entirely.
"Don't take it all in at once," Shan Si muttered, adjusting his own sleeves. "Save some for later? I can't imagine how you are when you eat."
Nothing, just a wonder-laced stare. This made Shan Si's disposition all the more awkward, showcased in the way he somewhat shifted and looked away from Tao Hua, acting as if he had said nothing at all.
Surprisingly human of a beastly man.
Truth be told, he was also second-guessing his own senses, wondering if what he heard was mere delirium playing tricks on him. He'd once read somewhere that the longer one went without rest, while being mentally tortured, could cause hallucinations.
Perhaps that's what was happening to him at this moment?
To verify that, however, meant Tao Hua would have had to open any of the books his father had placed in his study, and not source his information from fairy tales.
He preferred the fairytales, and it wasn't as if he'd ever be able to read those books. They were all burnt to ashes at the command of Shan Si's hand.
But even so, he didn't need a book to tell him that what he was feeling was a foreign emotion. And like all things foreign, it required knowledge to understand them.
That was knowledge Tao Hua didn't have.
This man was so caged up for most of his life that when he finally heard everything he'd always wanted come right after a breakdown—his first in ten or so odd years? From a man who treated him better and worse than the entirety of Siyue Town?
Well, it made him feel rather unrecognizable and oddly warm. Sure, he could attribute the warmth to the black and gold outer robe that draped over his shoulders, but didn't that robe come from Shan Si?
Ugh, he didn't know what to think anymore. But the more he thought about it, the more his heartbeat slowed down. It was so gentle, it could have sent him into a realm of dreams.
But as gentle as that beat was, gentle could still ache, and dully so. Shan Si was the only asshole in his entire existence that could call him down to the lowest, and he'd still follow in his footsteps, picking up every breadcrumb dropped.
Tao Hua was really that pitiful.
But he didn't want to cry anymore—he'd done that enough already, and it only exhausted him more, causing his eyes to become heavy. Therefore, Tao Hua lifted a hand and wiped away any excess proof of his vulnerability.
From Shan Si's still-water expression and the cheeks as pale as they were when Tao Hua first met him, nothing seemed to change in his composure. The only difference was in the bags that seemed more noticeable the longer he remained under the clearing skies.
If it were Tao Hua in his position, he'd be crouched in complete embarrassment after admitting such vulnerabilities. Sure, none of it held the word "Sorry." Tao Hua had assumed this man was allergic to the word, given how Shan Si treated him for using it.
He was abrasive and crude whenever Tao Hua would even mouth the words, and Tao Hua struggled in understanding if that was even in his favour, or just to quell Shan Si's annoyance.
Oh, how he desperately wanted to just forget everything and sleep.
Tao Hua simply burnt up with the countless things Shan Si just said, reigniting whatever it was he thought he'd lost when the mirror shattered. But truth be told…all of Shan Si's kindness only mattered if he genuinely meant it. This, among all other things that night, could have been a ploy masked with ill intent.
So, Tao Hua acted immediately, looking up at Shan Si and desperately searching his eyes for any inkling of truth that might swell within the reflective white. But there was nothing—only indifference.
It was so fucking frustrating and unfair. And yet, deep down, Tao Hua knew he was caught, hook, line, and sinker. Wherever this man went, he'd willingly follow despite every terrible thing done to him.
He didn't have a definition for this feeling, but he hated it all the same.
Loneliness could form any terrible bond within the confines of a single day. How sad.
Hand pressed to the pommel of his sword, and eyes facing the violet sky, clearing of any darkened cloud, Shan Si's eyelids lowered. It appeared after all he'd said, there was still much left on his mind. He mouthed a few silent words; however, Tao Hua couldn't make any of them out. After a bit more of this, he finally said, "A quarter left to go."
Tao Hua finally snapped out of his trance, blinking as if he'd just gotten something lodged in his eye. Promptly, he lowered his head and stared at the trembling fingers still resting on his lap. Reality was rushing to him quicker than the break of day, flushing him a deeper shade than the horizon.
But he wasn't the only one, it seemed.
Shan Si tilted his head toward Tao Hua, staring down at the curled-up ball of embarrassment and exhaustion, watching as the small hands moved at the shuffling of his own legs. Each delicate and thin finger trembled, crawling onto his knees, just as his knees pressed together.
"…" He tapped the pommel a few times, waiting before saying, "Tao Hua."
"Hm?!" Tao Hua darted his head up to look at Shan Si. "Y-Yes?!"
Studying Tao Hua, Shan Si didn't answer right away, which only caused Tao Hua to stiffen with anxiety. His shoulders rose, and his fingers dug into his knees.
Maybe it all was a ruse after all? Was he about to get mad? But Shan Si would finally answer, and when he did, it was soft and gentle.
"Don't tell anyone what I did," said Shan Si. "Let's keep this our little secret, okay?"
Tao Hua's brow creased in confusion, but Shan Si simple stood there, as if the question wasn't shocking at all. Why wouldn't he want anyone to find out? But the more Tao Hua thought about it, the more he realized Shan Si did have a reputation to uphold. If the rest of Zhonglai found out the renowned thief of what was the country's most prized possessions had a weakness, well, that wouldn't bode well for him.
In a way, he could absolutely sympathize with the sentiment, as if it were him back in Siyue Town…well, a reaction only solicited more turmoil.
Tao Hua's lashes drooped. They really weren't that far off—he and Shan Si. Outwardly, they were two completely different people, but inwardly, there was a world of similarities.
However, the moment was cut short at the very instant Tao Hua's eyes sharpened. He flung his head up to look at Shan Si once more, who was still focused on him.
The longer Tao Hua's gaze remained, the more it contorted with unresolved emotion.
Who was there for Tao Hua to tell? It was just him and Shan Si in that woods—but was it so unheard of for a man as seemingly miserable as Shan Si to be surrounded by others?
It really wasn't. In fact, Tao Hua mostly assumed they were all like-minded and equally terrible. Which made him feel rather anxious at the thought. He had just escaped Siyue Town after twenty years of torment, and granted not in the best of ways, so to enter a place with people akin to Shan Si…?
Was that a blessing or a curse? It could have been both for all Tao Hua knew.
"I'll take that as you'll keep your mouth shut." Shan Si said. "They're going to be expecting me back soon; let's not sit around."
That confirmed it. If they were so expectant of someone like Shan Si, then two things came to his mind. The first was that their impatience only meant they had to be worse than Shan Si, and the second was rather ominous. If he was on a deadline, then he couldn't be the ringleader of whatever operation this relic-theft situation was? Is that why he was so desperate to find answers and take Tao Hua?
It didn't feel right…Shan Si looked like someone who stood at the forefront of an entire palace.
Cold sweat trickled over Tao Hua's skin. He didn't like where this was going at all, and his mind wandered with a million extreme situations.
Gripping his knees, he swallowed until his mouth ran dry, just as Shan Si turned back to face Tao Hua. One glance up at him, and Tao Hua still couldn't reason with Shan Si not being the face of any organization.
It was the kind of face a person couldn't forget.
But, that moment of recognition quickly closed at Shan Si's absurdity. He removed a hand from his sword and lifted it, the other following its stead. Once both were hovering before him, palms facing upward, he acted in a way Tao Hua could never have imagined this man to act.
"It starts by moving like this, Tao Hua," he said, his hands rising and lowering in repeated, related motions. Like trying to mitigate a fight or calm a rabid animal. "See? Exactly like that."
Chapter end.