"You sounded so interested in me and I thought someone wanted to be my friend for once. So I tried, so hard, to become someone you wanted to call a friend, but I fucking messed that up too! I messed it up because I have no experience with friends or love, and only thought of myself! Why am I so fucking selfish and laughable?!
"No…I mess everything up. I-I'm sorry. All I do is fuck things up, all the fucking TIME! They all say I do—I always do. If the mass agrees, then that makes me the problem…right?!" Tao Hua's bottom lip pushed out a bit, just as it quivered. "Why do I keep messing everything up? I don't want to keep messing things up…I…I think I'm tired."
Shan Si tried to lift his hand, but as Tao Hua continued to speak, it merely froze. There was something about the way Tao Hua's words weakened, becoming more and more hollow and desperate that hit him harder than he wanted to admit.
"I'm sorry…I can't do anything right and only act out," Tao Hua cried, grinding a hand roughly against an eye, finishing it off with his forearm. "I thought I was fine with being disliked and could handle it—it's been twenty…no, ten years since I had someone enjoy my company, but I understand my mistake already. Does the punishment have to be this mean?"
Gritting his teeth, he began to rub his eyes once more. "Ah, I didn't realize it actually hurts. It does hurt, a lot—so much. Too much. I-I really don't like how it hurts."
"Tao Hua…" Shan Si whispered, but was cut off.
"I've tried so many times to be someone other than myself. But I c-can't—I can't be anyone but me, and I know that's a fucking problem! The village said it, Miss Gui said it, Father said it, and now…" Tao Hua bit his lip, not wanting to finish his sentence. Therefore, he skipped over it and said, "But it still hurts, and even if I try, I can't get it to stop hurting. Even now I'm wasting your time whining about it hurting…"
The moment of calm passed, and transpired into more anger, just as Tao Hua lifted his hand to the side of his head. He was just about to roughly grab his hair until something stopped him, firmly locking his hand in place before adding to the damage anymore.
That was new. Nothing had ever stopped him from enacting his coping mechanisms in the past. Was this just fate playing a cruel game?
But through that thought, his other hand was also seized.
Tao Hua didn't fully register it; as soon as his face was free from any obstruction, it was clear just how beat down this man actually was. Exhuastion, chafed skin, dirt—he was a sight to behold for any trash-collecting enthusiast. But, this treasure was dull, looking utterly lifeless as his head drooped forward.
"I'm sorry for wasting your time, Shan Si…" said Tao Hua, expressionless. The fatigue was winning, so it seemed, and the frown was so permanently downcast, it wrinkled the corners of his mouth.
"I'm being honest, I promise. Everything I did was because just wanted a friend, but I couldn't even manage that without being a letdown. I'm sorry for fucking up."
The look in Shan Si's eyes was rather difficult to explain. It was as if something had switched them up entirely, and with how they widened, the fear grew more and more obvious. But the truth behind that fear would remain as muddled as Tao Hua's vision, fogged out, without a map to guide the way.
But one thing was certain: he'd absolutely hit an epiphany. A complete and utter rude awakening.
"I really…just didn't want to be lonely anymore…I now understand my mistake." Tao Hua kept droning on, his speech slurring with each reveal. "Can we sit?"
Shan Si swallowed, gingerly pressing his thumbs to Tao Hua's wrists. Then, carefully, he helped move Tao Hua lower until the two were crouched on the ground.
"No more speaking—keep your hands held up," said Shan Si, just as he reached his own pair lower, fluffing out the outer robe a bit, and gathering it onto Tao Hua's thighs. His movements were more sluggish than usual. Once he assured that nothing of the black fabric was touching the ground, he reached up for Tao Hua's hands once more, and carefully brought them to his lap.
Keeping his own hands upon the freezing cold winter bit skin, Shan Si hesitated a few times. He opened his mouth, only to close it, and this would repeat as he struggled with what he wanted to say.
In truth, it had only been less than a day that these two had met—whatever weakness revealed in Shan Si was new, caught by the way he struggled more than he had all night.
When he finally came to terms with what he wanted to say, Shan Si parted his lips and slowly enunciated each word solemnly.
"I..." Shan Si inhaled, just as Tao Hua glanced up at him, still without a trace of life and merely letting Shan Si do whatever he wanted with his arms. Gritting his teeth, he exhaled before saying, "You didn't mess up. Whatever those idiots told you, that's their own insecurity—and their own piss-poor attempt at handling those issues."
Shan Si paused, watching as Tao Hua's lashes lowered, each black lash coated with drops of frozen tears. So, he'd quietly groan, looking away.
"That goes for me too, Tao Hua. I…I'm also human, therefore I shouldn't be treated with any exception. I treated you unfairly—no, I treated you terribly. You did everything right, and...
"God, I have to be the worst kidnapper in existence. Shan Si looked away before mournfully laughing. "You know, I didn't even go into Siyue Town with the intention of taking someone back with me. I…whatever. Fine. Tao Hua, I shouldn't have done any of that to you, and it wasn't fair. You're nothing like your father, nor do you deserve to be treated like that man. No son should bear the sin of their father's crime. I…should know."
Unsure how to react, Tao Hua lifted his head, but all he could do was stare at Shan Si. This was also a first for him, having someone take responsibility despite him being convinced it was the wrong course of action.
So, he remained wide-eyed, completely taken aback. Fortunately, this brought even an inkling of radiance back into his complexion.
Radiance or not, Tao Hua still remained guarded against any type of change. That's just what mistakes do; they teach people not to repeat the same thing twice.
"So, yeah, I guarantee things will be different. We don't have to be friends—not yet, at least. But I'll work with you if you still want to work with me. I'm just..." Shan Si paused, his own lids lowering until there was nothing but darkness. "Nevermind. The reason isn't important—that's not the point. When I said I needed you, Tao Hua, that was the truth, and I'm…I'm in a situation where I could, um, appreciate the help. You know, ha ha ha, poets can rhyme, but not all poets can sing. Yup."
The man stumbled over many words, and it was obvious there was much he meant to say, but backtracked. However, given Tao Hua's current state, he could only remain shell-shocked, mouth gaped, and body stiff.
"I also can't promise I won't mess up. I do, a lot actually—um, you'll find out on your own, I don't need to go into detail. Ah, anyway, I should get to the point."
Strengthening himself, Shan Si inhaled deeply.
"From here on out, I'll try to be someone you can call your first friend. If that makes you happy—you don't have to accept it, though. I don't require it," said Shan Si through what felt like intensive effort. However, after he finally mustered the courage to be honest, his expression changed, his eyes opened, and he slowly tilted his head toward Tao Hua. "But I won't take you back there. I refuse. You'll just have to accept that as my actual terms if you want to survive. Now, come on—head up. Your life isn't worth living on the ground."
He reached in, pressing his hand to Tao Hua's chin and tilting up, peach to white. The comparison between the two was stark. Shan Si's glare was stationed and firm, while Tao Hua's wildly shifted, still running wet.
"And quit with this self-deprecating attitude. Sorry is a word only ever used in dire situations, Tao Hua. Your existence isn't one, so I don't want to hear it unless it's necessary. Understood?"
Shan Si glared firmly at Tao Hua, and from that look alone it wasn't difficult to see he meant every word he was saying. In fact, it was the first time that night that Tao Hua was certain of this man's words.
"From this moment onward, you're not the same man you were back in Siyue Town. I think it's time you got used to it. Now, stand up."
Chapter end.