Chapter 14 – The Fear
The words didn't leave the room after he said them.
*Nadia hadn't just disappeared. She'd been kidnapped.*
I heard them every time the refrigerator hummed, every time a car passed below the 27th floor, every time the hallway light flickered. The apartment that had started to feel like a home now felt like a house holding its breath.
I began leaving the living-room light on when I went to bed.
Adrian noticed on Friday night.
I was at the sink, scrubbing a pot, when he came out of his office. He stopped a few feet behind me, his shoulders tight.
"Lila, are you okay?"
I didn't turn around right away. My hands were in soapy water.
"I'm fine," I said. "I'm just… thinking about what you told me."
"I'm sorry I told you."
I turned to face him. His eyes were tired, guarded.
"No," I said. "I'm glad you told me. I'd rather know the truth than invent worse things in my head."
He nodded, once, and went back to his office, closing the door softly.
I finished the dishes, dried my hands, and went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook on my nightstand.
*Day 55 – She's scared after I told her Nadia was kidnapped.*
Underneath, in smaller, uneven handwriting:
*She's Lila. She chose the truth.*
I closed the notebook and tried to sleep, but the dark felt too big. Every creak of the building made me sit up. I kept the lamp on until 3 a.m., then finally fell asleep exhausted.
Saturday morning Adrian left at 7 a.m. without a word.
I spent the day cleaning, but I moved slower. I kept checking the lock on the front door.
At 8 p.m. he came home.
He set his keys on the counter, saw me on the couch, and frowned.
"You look tired."
"I didn't sleep well."
"Are you still scared?"
"A little."
He didn't say anything for a moment. Then he sighed and set his briefcase down.
"Do you want me to stay in the living room tonight?"
I looked at him. "You don't have to."
"I want to."
His voice was quiet, not offering, deciding.
That night he slept on the couch.
I heard him come out of his office around 11 p.m., heard the couch springs groan as he lay down, heard the soft rustle of the blanket I'd left folded on the armrest.
I slept better than I had in two days.
Knowing he was ten feet away made the silence less threatening.
Sunday morning he was gone from the couch when I woke up at 6:30. The blanket was folded neatly, the cushions smoothed.
At 8 p.m. he came home.
"Did you sleep well?" he asked, hanging his coat.
"Yes. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 56 – I slept on the couch so she wouldn't be scared.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She felt safe.*
I closed the notebook and lay in the dark, listening to the quiet apartment. For the first time since he told me the truth, I didn't feel alone in it.
Monday was ordinary — he left at 7, I cleaned, I cooked chicken and vegetables. At 8 p.m. he came home, ate, said "Thank you," and went to his office.
I went to my room.
*Day 57 – She cooked chicken and vegetables.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She's steady.*
Tuesday he left at 7 a.m.
At 4 p.m. Mrs. Cole texted: *Layla is asking for you.*
I replied: *I'll see her tomorrow.*
*Mrs. Cole: She's sad.*
I felt that familiar pull in my chest, the urge to go to her, but I kept the rule. One hour, once a week. Wednesday.
At 8 p.m. Adrian came home.
"You went to see Layla?" he asked.
"No. It's not my day."
"Thank you for respecting the rule."
"You're welcome."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
*Day 58 – She didn't go see Layla. She respected the rule.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She's reliable.*
Wednesday at 4 p.m. I was at Mrs. Cole's apartment.
Layla ran to me the second I walked in, hugging my legs.
"Lila!"
I knelt down and hugged her back.
"How are you, habibti?"
"I'm good. I missed you."
"I missed you too."
We spent the hour playing with blocks, reading *The Little Star*, drawing. Layla drew the house with three figures again.
"This is Mama."
"This is Baba."
"And this is Lila."
I hugged her.
When the hour was over, she wrapped her arms around my neck.
"See you next week, Lila."
"I'll see you next week, habibti."
I kissed her forehead and left.
When I got home at 5:15 p.m., Adrian was already there.
"You went to see Layla," he said.
"Yes."
"How was she?"
"She's happy."
"Good."
"Thank you for letting me see her."
"You're welcome."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 59 – She went to see Layla for one hour.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She's part of our life.*
Thursday Adrian came home at 8 p.m.
I had made moussaka.
He ate two servings, said "Thank you," and stayed at the table instead of going to his office.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for sleeping on the couch the other night."
"You're welcome."
He looked down at his plate.
"I didn't want you to be afraid alone."
"I know."
He was quiet for a moment.
"I'm still afraid too," he admitted.
I nodded. "I know."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
*Day 60 – I told her I'm still afraid too.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She understands.*
Friday night, after dinner, he stayed at the table.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for not asking me a hundred questions after I told you."
"You're welcome."
He smiled, just a little.
"I appreciate that you're giving me space."
"I appreciate that you're telling me things."
He nodded and went to his office.
I went to my room.
*Day 61 – I thanked her for not pressing me.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She respects my boundaries.*
Saturday morning he left at 7 a.m.
I cleaned the apartment, made soup for lunch, and tried not to listen for every noise in the hallway.
At 8 p.m. he came home.
He looked exhausted.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
"I'm fine."
"You don't look fine."
He sat at the table.
"I had a meeting with the detective today," he said.
"About Nadia?"
"Yes."
"What did they say?"
"They have a new lead."
"What kind of lead?"
"A man was seen near her office the day she disappeared."
"Do they know who he is?"
"Not yet."
I sat across from him.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"Thank you."
He looked at me.
"Lila, I want you to know… I'm starting to see you as you."
Tears pricked my eyes.
"Thank you for saying that."
He nodded and went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 62 – The police have a new lead.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. I'm starting to see you as you.*
Sunday morning he left at 7 a.m.
I spent the day cleaning, cooking, waiting.
At 8 p.m. he came home.
He saw me and said, "Hi."
"Hi. How was your day?"
"It was long."
"Do you want dinner?"
"Yes, please."
I served the food.
We ate.
After dinner, he stayed.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for being here."
"You're welcome."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 63 – I thanked her for being here.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She's here.*
I closed the notebook.
I lay in bed, the living-room light still on, and thought about the word *fear*.
It wasn't gone.
But it didn't feel like it was mine alone anymore.