Chapter 15 – The Secret
Two weeks passed after the night Adrian told me Nadia had been kidnapped.
The living-room light stayed on until I fell asleep. Adrian slept on the couch three more times — not because I asked, but because he said he couldn't sleep knowing I was awake and scared.
We settled into a quiet rhythm.
He left at 7 a.m. I cleaned, cooked, read. At 8 p.m. he came home, ate, said "Thank you," and went to his office. Wednesday at 4 p.m. I spent my hour with Layla.
She still drew the house with three people.
"This is Mama."
"This is Baba."
"This is Lila."
I kissed her forehead when the hour was over.
On Friday night, after dinner, Adrian didn't go to his office right away.
He stayed at the table, pushing the rice around his plate with his fork.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"There's something else I haven't told you."
My stomach tightened. "Okay."
He set his fork down and looked at me.
"Nadia was pregnant before Layla."
I blinked. "Before Layla?"
"Yes. A boy."
I felt the air leave my lungs.
"She lost the baby at six months."
I reached across the table and covered his hand with mine.
"I'm so sorry, Adrian."
He turned his palm up and held my hand.
"It was the hardest time of our lives," he said, his voice low. "We were so excited. We'd picked out a name — Youssef."
I squeezed his hand.
"She was eight months pregnant with Layla when it happened," he continued. "The loss… it changed her. She was still happy, still laughing, but part of her never came back."
I didn't know what to say, so I just kept holding his hand.
After a minute he pulled his hand back gently.
"Thank you for listening."
"You're welcome."
He stood up and went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 64 – I told her about the baby we lost.*
Under it, in smaller writing:
*She's Lila. She held my hand.*
I closed the notebook.
I lay in bed and thought about a woman who had lost a son, then lost her life two years later.
I thought about the little girl who only had a picture of her mother and a teddy bear that smelled like me.
I cried quietly so Adrian wouldn't hear.
The next day, Saturday, Adrian came home at 8 p.m.
I had made his favorite — chicken with rosemary and roasted potatoes.
He ate, said "Thank you," and stayed at the table.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for yesterday."
"You're welcome."
He hesitated.
"After I told you… I needed to sit for a while. I came out of my office and you were in the kitchen."
I nodded.
"You were making tea," he said. "You didn't ask me anything. You just poured me a cup and set it in front of me."
"I thought you might want it."
He nodded.
"You sat across from me and didn't say anything. You just… were there."
"I was there."
He looked at me, and for the first time I saw gratitude, not just relief, in his eyes.
He stood up, came around the table, and hugged me.
It was brief — an arm around my shoulders, his cheek against the top of my head — but it was the first time he had touched me without it being practical.
I hugged him back.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"You're welcome."
He went back to his side of the table, finished his water, and went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 65 – I hugged her.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. I needed the comfort.*
I closed the notebook and touched the spot on my shoulder where his arm had been.
Sunday morning Adrian left at 7 a.m.
I spent the day cleaning and cooking.
At 8 p.m. he came home.
He saw me and said, "Hi."
"Hi."
"What are you making?"
"Stuffed zucchini."
"It smells good."
"Thank you."
We ate.
After dinner, he stayed.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for hugging me back yesterday."
"You're welcome."
He smiled, small and tired.
"I didn't expect you to."
"I wanted to."
He nodded and went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 66 – I thanked her for hugging me back.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She wanted to.*
Monday Adrian left at 7 a.m.
At 4 p.m. Mrs. Cole texted: *Layla is asking for you.*
I replied: *I'll see her tomorrow.*
*Mrs. Cole: She's counting the hours.*
I smiled.
At 8 p.m. Adrian came home.
"You went to see Layla?" he asked.
"No. Tomorrow."
"Thank you for respecting the rule."
"You're welcome."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 67 – She didn't go see Layla. She respected the rule.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She's reliable.*
Tuesday at 4 p.m. I was at Mrs. Cole's apartment.
Layla ran to me, hugged me, pulled me to the rug.
We played, we read, we laughed.
She drew the house with three people again.
"This is Mama."
"This is Baba."
"This is Lila."
I hugged her.
When the hour was over, she said, "See you next week, Lila."
"I'll see you next week, habibti."
I kissed her forehead and left.
When I got home at 5:15 p.m., Adrian was there.
"You went to see Layla," he said.
"Yes."
"How was she?"
"She's happy."
"Good."
"Thank you for letting me see her."
"You're welcome."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 68 – She went to see Layla for one hour.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She's part of our life.*
Wednesday night, after dinner, Adrian stayed at the table.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for being gentle with me."
"You're welcome."
He looked at me.
"When I told you about Youssef… I expected you to say something to make it better."
"What did you expect me to say?"
"I don't know. 'I'm sorry.' 'That must have been hard.' Something."
"What did I say?"
"You just held my hand."
I nodded.
"Sometimes holding a hand is enough," I said.
He nodded.
"It was enough."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 69 – I told her sometimes holding a hand is enough.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She understands silence.*
Thursday Adrian came home at 8 p.m.
I had made koshari.
He ate, said "Thank you," and stayed.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for not trying to fix it."
"You're welcome."
He nodded.
"I'm learning that you don't try to fix me."
"I'm learning that you don't need fixing. You need company."
He smiled.
"You're learning fast."
"I'm trying."
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 70 – I told her I don't need fixing, I need company.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. She gets me.*
Friday morning Adrian left at 7 a.m.
I spent the day cleaning and cooking.
At 8 p.m. he came home.
He saw me and said, "Hi."
"Hi."
"What are you making?"
"Pasta with tomato sauce."
"It smells good."
"Thank you."
We ate.
After dinner, he stayed.
"Lila," he said.
"Yes?"
"Thank you for the hug."
"You're welcome."
He hesitated.
"I've been thinking about it all week."
"About the hug?"
"Yes."
I smiled.
"It was nice."
"It was nice," he repeated.
He went to his office.
I went to my room.
That night I opened the notebook.
*Day 71 – I've been thinking about the hug all week.*
Under it:
*She's Lila. It was nice.*
I closed the notebook and lay in bed, replaying the moment his arm had been around me.
It had been brief.
It had been careful.
It had been real.
I whispered to the dark room,
"Maybe I'm allowed to be close to him."