It all started that morning...
"No, Gamer! Time is of the essence. Somebody could come in any second now," Persica interrupted the inception story.
"Well, excuse me, princess!" I said with an annoying tone. She remained adamant, and I sighed and surrendered. It'd only make things complicated. Persica seemed more flustered than usual. Highly stressed, "Are you okay? Did he hurt you at all?"
"Lord Shellie would never. Nothing bad comes to me when I am with him," Persica's eyes kept flicking to the lounge room door. "It's just...the shellie mages are supposed to be here to tailor my wedding dress. It's...I'm..."
"Bro, no cap, her AI is all pretzeled up," Samira informed me. "(・ω・｀) She can't see Lord Shellie as an op. Technically, you can't rescue her."
"Never tell me the odds," I accepted my sister's challenge. I ignored all the coding and damnation Persica's been through and spoke towards her humanity, "When we drank and danked in your hut, you expressed your dissatisfaction with the men in your life. Is that still true?"
Persica sighed in frustration, "I've...when Lord Shellie brought me here, I thought it'd work out perfectly. I played it in my head over and over ever since we embarked to see him. With Marco gone, we could focus on diplomacy and cooperation. Unfortunately, he is undeterred from taking power and ruling with an iron fist. He ignores my requests and expressions. But..."
"Persica..." I fished for honesty.
"It's what she's always wanted!" a grating, tinnitus-inducing voice squelched from the balcony. I looked in horror as the tiny visage of a shrooman stepped into the room and joined us, "Hello!"
"When the hell did you get here?" I asked.
"Lord Shellie ordered him to be kidnapped from Cammy's castle, right after he took me. He wanted me to have an officiant for the shroomans here at the wedding. He's so very considerate," Persica explained.
"I'll follow Persica everywhere!" the enemy of my ears declared.
"Right, cool, grand...anyways, Persica, I need to know what you need," I wanted her to have room to express her thoughts freely.
"I..." the torment ate away at Persica. "After we exorcised Marco's spirit, I felt validated. I felt more alive than ever. My choices mattered. Minnie empathized, and gave you thanks for it. To your magic touch."
I saw the princess blush. It wasn't like her to be so fragile. I stayed quiet, but saw her computing unravelling. I waited in anticipation for her to ask for my codebreaker.
"Gamer, may I ask of you a favor?"
"Of course."
"I need you to fuck my husband, Gamer."
A car crash sounded in my mind. Samira sent a bunch of ꉂ ('∀｀)ʱªʱªʱª and (˵ ͠ಥ‿ ͠ಥ˵) in response. Persica's face reflected that of a rose.
"She did not..." a guttural interruption pulled Gamer from his story. Lord Shellie stared at him, slack-jawed. Gamer shrugged with a wry smile. The lord checked on Persica, and found her face buried in a hand. She returned to the red coloring. Lord Shellie repeated, "Say you did not..."
"I forget how blunt Gamer can be..." Persica muttered, embarrassed.
"I call top," Gamer utilized the Dibs system.
"This is...I don't even know what to say..." Lord Shellie's programming didn't have hanky panky in mind with anyone other than Persica.
"Well, while you struggle to process, I'll finish my story," Gamer took in a deep breath and...
Just then, the door handle jiggled and startled both of us. I jumped behind the couch and hit the floor. Persica stepped next to me, her hand at the ready to signal.
The door opened with two obnoxious twins cackling away. It was Kammy and Qammy, or Cammy and Kammy, or...I'm not sure.
"Well, well, well..." one of them started. The snide attitude could be heard in plain text, "...are you ready to be measured for your wonderful wedding?"
"Actually, if you two don't mind, I'd like to speak to Lord Shellie. I have some concerns I want to...plow over," Persica tried to shoo them away. When she glanced down at me, Samira and I hit her with ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
"Nonsense, you nonsensical ninny! The groom is not permitted to see his betrothed the day of!" the old shellie quacked. They shuffled things around and called out into the hall, "Alright, boys, bring in the material."
I peeked under the couch and saw the feet of shellies shuffling in with bundles of fabric. They laid them off to the side, which gave me time to whisper a suggestion, "Want me to sex the grannies? I can convert them to our side."
"Bussin!" Samira totally agreed and didn't say anything about corruption and computer jargon. God's word, scout's honor.
"Are you insane?" Persica hated the idea, though.
"Magic touch," I rebelled against the princess. I started to lift up, but Persica sidestepped and straddled my face. She humped my head to the back of the couch and leaned against it.
"Mmph!" Persica grunted.
Qammy or Kammy asked, "What's wrong with you? Is something the matter?"
Persica mini-panicked, "Absolutely! It's a lot more than I was anticipating. The fabric, that is..."
I tried to fight Persica, but she was too slippery. I had no choice but to weaken her with a few well-placed strikes. For leverage, I grappled her behind. The princess showed great endurance and continued to smother me. My attacks weren't working. In fact, I couldn't even breathe.
"Oxygen!" Samira text with a panic mp3.
"Bah! You forgot the flowers! Can you simpletons do anything right?" K/C/Qammy crowed. The shellies apologized and shuffled out. The shellie mage spouted, "We'll be right back."
The door closed, and Persica spared me my life. I jolted to my feet and wiped away my glistening moustache, "Aside from your ass, what's the big idea?!"
"I forbid you from coercing them," Persica crossed her arms.
"Why? It'd be my magic versus theirs," I stuck my flag in the ground. Persica remained adamant, but I noticed a familiar attitude in her body language. It was the same as when she found out about me and Minnie. I gasped, "You're jealous again? You just asked me to cuck you!"
"The triplets don't deserve happiness."
"You are one cold bitch," I added sass to my words. She didn't care, but I continued the rebellion with well-placed intention and scathing truth, "I'mma me some granny fanny, and there's nothing you can do to stop me...pacifist."
Persica took out a redcap from betwixt her cleavage. Her insinuation made me gawk, but I also respected the hustle. I reached for the bribe, but she bit into it. I double-gawked, and she smirked, "Who said it was for you?"
The door opened, and the shellie mages returned. However, in a flash of domination, Persica grew thrice her size, shoved me onto the couch, and sat her big ol' behind on me. Her pillowy cake didn't suffocate me, but it successfully pinned me. Persica quickly covered my lower half with the couch pillows.
"What the...why are you huge?!" the mage shellies squawked.
"I was...peckish," Persica fibbed. I wiggled beneath her to try and free myself, but she wiggled, too. It prevented the spellcasters from seeing or hearing me. Persica remained in control, "And I am unable to revert until the drug's effects wear off."
"Oh, I know a way we can change you back," one of the grandmas said with a threatening tone.
"Not by Lord Shellie's orders," Persica countered.
"Kammy, hold me back..." the tension increased.
"No, Qammy, don't give in to the insipient sinful woman. Let her bratty attitude anger Lord Shellie. She can just tell us her measurements and we'll finish the dress here and now. Harumph!" Kammy didn't allow Persica to win.
"Insufferable," Persica's frustration returned. I muffled a laugh, but this made her instantly say, "30-22-36. Just...make it quick."
"Okay...now, conjure giant scissors!" Kammy shrieked.
"Conjure giant scissors!" Qammy parroted.
I decided I wasn't going to take it laying down anymore. I used my hands to knead her dough aside, until I could properly high-five her cooch. She twitched all the while, likely fighting the urge to bear more weight down. That's when I pulled off my sick ninja hand gestures.
"Ah!" Persica perversely gasped.
"What now?!" Qammy snapped.
"Ah, ah, ah," Persica faked a laugh, nervously. My enthusiastic pets rattled her, but she disguised her squirms with pantomimed gasps for air. She fought to hold herself together, "I find it...absolutely hilarious how stupid...you both sound. Ah, ah."
"Why I oughta..." Kammy started to stomp over.
"Stop! Don't let the leech get under your skin, sister," Qammy pacified.
The shellie mages retreated to the fabric and began their magic mumbo jumbo. I pulled out my own magic tricks. She started to pant. I teased and made her want more. Her struggle to compose herself made it all the more satisfying with each sharp breath. My missing zipper made it easy for my little guy to emerge like a submarine out of the pillows.
"Tada!" the shellie mages presented the wedding dress.
"Wow...that feels ama...I mean, that looks amazing. It's beautiful. Mmm, I'm so close...to the wedding, that is!" Persica's mind seemed to be short circuiting.
"Look, look, sister," Kammy lavished in the misunderstanding. "Her tiny mind is blown away by our magic. Everything pales in comparison!"
"And now for...why does the couch have a penis?" Qammy noticed my salute.
Persica gasped and I felt her weight shift sideways. She laid her large hand over my periscope and stuffed it under the pillows again, "That's...my shrooman's little cousin."
"He's shy and mute! Can't get the guy to talk," the shrooman backed his princess up.
I'm not sure if the mages bought it entirely, since they groaned with impatience. Persica sought a compromise, "If you leave and let us be, I'll return to my normal size and try on the dress. Is that fair?"
"Bah, better than nothing," the shellie mages were tired of the banter, too. They marched out and closed the door.
Persica sighed, nimbly snapped her neck to break it, and shrunk to normal size. I sat up and gasped for air, though really it was just me letting my lungs expand again. The princess crossed her arms and did that thing women do with their leg where they straighten it and stick it slightly out, "Are you pleased with your mischief?"
"You seem to be..." I stood up and examined my fingers. My magic wand slumped forward, and I noticed Persica lusting after it. I grinned, "For the bride to be fooling around with another man, and on her wedding day, no less. Naughty, naughty."
"Must you have the aura of a villain?" Persica criticized.
"I'm a cheater; the worst kind of villain," I winked.
"Oh, hush..." Persica resisted my teases and turned to her dress. She removed her nightgown and tossed it at me. I caught it in my teeth and watched the hippie beauty fit into the pure white garment. She brushed her fingers along the creases and seams. They hugged her form, squeezed her hips, and billowed out in layers past the thighs. Her shoulders were completely exposed and complimented her cleavage. The flowers were like large hairpins of different scales. Persica made them flow through her dreads. My eyes absorbed her. The white gave her innocence, and contrasted with the sexy saunter. She twirled to loft her mermaid tail up. For all intents and purposes, Persica was stunning.
"How do I look?" she asked, embarrassed.
"Like a million coins," I complimented. It intensified her embarrassment, and she downcast her eyes.
"Are you attending the ceremony?" the shrooman waddled up and asked my wang.
"Yes! Also, HE DOESN'T TALK!" I yelled. Big mistake.
The doors swung open. Kammy and Qammy barged in and yelled, "Why are you shouting?!"
I stared at them. Persica stared at them. The shrooman stared at them. My cock stared at them. They stared at us.
I admitted, "This is totally what it looks like."
"Gamer?! You dare expose yourself to Lord Shellie's betrothed?! How heinous!" Kammy sneered.
"My zipper is broken, and, uh, I..."
"We won't allow you to ruin Lord Shellie's wedding day!" Qammy declared. Both mages aimed their respective magic items at me, and told Persica to move, "Step aside, princess! We'll turn him into mincemeat!"
Persica remained in the way and faced the shellie mages. The bride declared, "You will do no harm to this man."
"What?! Why?!"
"He is joining Lord Shellie and I on our honeymoon! That is the princess's orders!" Persica set in stone.
"You can't be serious! Lord Shellie will never approve of this! Ridiculous!" Kammy and Qammy exploded with anger. Persica planted her fists on her hips and gave them the stank eye. The shellie mages charged in to reprimand the bride, "You've been turned against the lord. He'll be happy we disposed of such a disloyal skank like you!"
I jumped in the way and flicked my wand at them, "Abrakadabra!"
The powerful aura of my totally amazing, huge, ripped, handsome, dark, and mysterious dingus forced the old hags to skid. They ended up tripping over one another's witch dresses. Their staff and scepter bonked one another across their heads and they cartoonishly jumped after the delivery. They soared past me and Persica, and crash-landed on the couch. They draped over the back like wet towels.
"Still want them on our side?" Persica asked after their humiliating defeat.
"Nah, they're useless," I gave up on tapping some granny poon.
Persica leered at the two, and then stuck her tongue out like a brat. She switched to the shrooman and said, "We should make way to Lord Shellie."
"You got it!" the shrooman stepped over to Persica. She appreciated his help, and then comically stuffed him under her dress. For safekeeping, I guess?
I adjusted my incredible, hellacious, big honkin' dangin' donger back into my pants, but good gravy, it did not cooperate. You know how it is; thing's got a mind of its own. I jerry rigged my belt to help keep my pants closed. Persica crossed her arms and chastised, "Gamer, come on, put it away..."
"It's not my fault somebody sabotaged my zipper and my penis conveniently flops out," I responded defensively.
"I'm assured beyond reasonable doubt you're the one who sabotaged it."
"Moi?!" the audacity of dis bitch.
"What is the meaning of this?!" Lord Shellie barged in.
Persica and I both jumped at the irate dragon. After bellowing a war cry that would put the Norsemen to shame, I pulled out my magnum, and killed Lord Shellie with a well-placed shot to the heart.