"Gamer!" the nun exclaimed.
The excitement and the boxing shell confirmed it for me. The nun pulled her hood back and removed the gas mask. It was Minnie!
"Minnie? What are you doing in that getup?" I asked. She instantly hugged me, before answering.
"Oh, after I landed in the fortress, I started looking for a blue shell. I bumped in Asterion, fought a few guys, and even toured a celebratory orgy, but they didn't have any. One of the ladies there disrobed from this and asked me a favor. After I finished her, I figured a disguise was needed if I wanted to roam freely. A shellie without a shell is just a lie," Minnie smiled sweetly.
"Look at you, changing your costume to fit the new story beat. You really are coming to life," I was so proud. She even sexed her way to success. Makes a man wanna cry...
"I learned from the best!" Minnie saluted. "But it's odd. A lot of the attendees were aggressive, just like these guys. They kept wanting to one-up everybody. It went from being consensual fun to a heated competition. I think it has something to do with Gamindorf."
"I saw the Illuminati symbol in these chumps' eyes. I bet they're behind it, too..."
"Maybe...all I know is that it's bad news," Minnie tilted her head and worried.
"Samirapedia, to the rescue!ヾ(＾∇＾)" a text box popped up in front of me.
"Ah, hey, there you are. Late start for you. Is everything okay?" I inquired.
"Yezzir! I decided to go shopping *dun dun dun* in person! Shock horror!" Samira piped in her usual energy. It gave me comfort that's hard to describe. She continued, "Sry, I probs should've told you. Also, before hopping on, I took it upon myself to dive into this Gamindorf guy and the sussy Illuminati symbol. Lowkey, it's pretty intense stuff!"
"What did you find?"
"TLDR; Gamindorf is one of the three bearers of the Proforce, which is the name of the symbol. There's three artifacts coveted in Highrule that embody its influence; the glove of power, the magazine of wisdom, and the wand of courage! They're uber powerful items that can do all sorts of things."
I started to drool halfway through her explanation. My boner was evident, but Minnie helped tuck it away for decency's sake. Then something clicked, "So that might mean this Gamindorf guy isn't even here."
"Exactly! Gamindorf has one, and the other are heirlooms to two individuals known as Princess Sellda and Hero."
"Guests for the wedding, I suspect."
"Bet!"
"What happens if one person has all three artifacts?" I was the person in mind.
"Unlimited power!" Samira hyped it up. "With all three pieces of the Proforce, you can overcome any challenge, face all danger, and know the unknowable!! ('_ゝ') Or at least, that's what the splash text says."
"That Gamindork better be here!"
"Dog!"
"Gamer..." Minnie called to me. "Are you talking to your sister?"
"Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry," I apologized and filled her in on the Proforce and its effects. As I explained, the road to victory became clear, "We sex the guests, phantom thief the artifacts, weaken Lord Shellie's forces, and hit him where the sun don't shine!"
"Great! Then let's go get the Broforce!" Minnie jumped for joy. I quickly corrected her for referencing the wrong game. No worries.
"Bro, you may have to use a vent or two if you want to deal with those guys. If any of those artifacts are turned on you, it'll put you in a greater binding than Isaac," Samira simplified.
I switched to Minnie, "Let's find Persica and the others first, and then we'll worry about the shitstorm."
"Okie dok! Asterion's on the first floor. He was busy fighting a bunch of Lord Shellie's mind controlled guys," Minnie informed.
"Typical Asterion. I saw Sonia near the chapel. She's good...too good," I narrowed my eyes, knowing what was on the line.
"I still want to find a blue shell, though. My defense will be impenetrable if I can get one."
"I don't typically like this, but do you want to split up? You're obviously capable enough to be on your own. You can hunt a blue shell, and I'll gather our friends."
"Sure, but be careful, I won't be there to protect you. I don't want to lose you," Minnie blushed.
Her dialogue sounded like the romance novels Samira would read. I kept it light, "You're not a loser, so you'll never lose me."
Minnie giggled, and then slapped back, "I love you."
A critical strike to my digital heart. Samira even went the extra mile to pop up two dialogue boxes on my screen. One read 'I love you, too ❤️', and the other read, 'I love you more ❤️'. I X'd out of Samira's texts and gave my own answer, "You're irreplaceable, Minnie."
Minnie's spirit lifted, and she breathed, "Yay."
Samira spammed (ง •̀_•́)ง but I ignored it, "You stay safe, too. After seeing some of the traps and obstacles in this place, things can get hairy quickly."
"Tell me about it! This place is as confusing as Ouija's Mansion!" Minnie giggled at the crazy memories we made.
"Yeah...wait a minute..." I recalled an ability I had, discovered in the mansion. My eyes locked onto a painting of a kitchen.
"Gamer?" I barely heard Minnie, since my mind was set.
"Cartwheel!" I sprang at the picture. Minnie's farewell was cut off when I entered the picture like splashing into a pool. After the initial shift in dimensions, and a voice saying "mock pickle", I tumbled out into a kitchen with a large floor space. Reason being, the kitchen was located on a rooftop.
I crashed onto the countertop below the painting I popped out of. Chopped lettuce and tomatoes joined me in falling to the floor. I, re-discombobulated, stood up and brushed the vegetables from my body. I took in the new world I entered.
Twas a hellscape. A city in the midst of flame and devastation. A colossal monster made of meatballs and spaghetti brought upon the end. Around me, working feverishly to prepare meals, but stunned by my entrance, were chefs. The kitchen itself was on fire. It was only made worse when I noticed the fire extinguisher on fire.
I didn't care; I stared at the colossus. The conspiracies were true, "The flying spaghetti monster..."
"What are ya doin'? You've ruined our chances at feeding the beast!" the chefs confronted me, armed with frying pans and mice.
"Uh...I know a word that can solve this problem," I promised.
"And what word would that be?" a raccoon chef in a wheelchair asked.
"Defenestrate!" I educated the chefs. They were folded like a lawn chairs and sent flying towards the god of gods. It used its spaghetti noodles to catch the chefs and ate them whole.
"Nooo! Our heroes!" an onion man – no, literally, the dude was just an onion with arms, legs, and a moustache – ran out of the burning building. He looked at me, befuddled, "Why?!"
"With their culinary skills, you know I had to do it to 'em," I turned, and used my customization options to momentarily put on a polo and khaki shorts.
The colossal spaghetti dish happily roared and showed appreciation for my ELA lesson. I saluted it, "Eat hearty, you magnificent son of a bitch."
"It's over!" the onion cried out.
I saw a skylight window nearby. I peered in and saw that we were on the roof of a museum. Inside, a myriad of paintings were threatened by the fires. Super convenient. I saw a frame that displayed a noble, white castle interior. I broke into the museum like a goddamn villain and jumped in. I used my broom to dive through the painting.
After transitioning, I rolled out onto the floor of an ostentatious room. Resting furniture, gaudy interior design and rugs, more unbearable portraits of Lord Shellie, and a vanity dominated the room. An incredible balcony door led out to a perch where one could appreciate the beauty of Chanterelle. Here, with her eyes cast to the sky, was Princess Persica. She wore a pink frilly nightgown. It draped at the arms, and stopped at the knees.
Persica turned at my arrival, and gasped. She seemed concerned somebody would notice. She whispered to be safe, "Gamer? How did you get in here?"
I stood up and grinned, "Ho ho, sit back and relax, princess. Let me regale you."