"You were holding the fries the whole time?!" Persica and Lord Shellie couldn't believe it.
They were obviously jealous. I had crashed into a long hallway. My incredibly chiseled form, and a surprisingly thin wall, reduced the damage I took. I recovered almost instantly.
Portraits, mainly of Lord Shellie, lined the walls, a runner rug covered the floor, and sconce torches lined the pathways. Sounds were slightly murmured behind a nearby door. I listened in, and heard discordant yammering. It sounded like rabid rabbits rapidly rambling. I couldn't make heads or tails of their language.
"Excuse me..." a voice said from behind me. I spun around to see a confused male shellie. He wore a blue shell and held a spear. He asked me, "Are you one of the new guests here for the wedding? This room is already occupied."
"Yes, I am," I was a paragon of honesty. "You could say I'm a bit discombobulated."
My vocabulary made the shellie raise an eyebrow. He glanced at the hole I made, "Bob, you say? I heard a big bang from this direction. Is that what happened here?
Again, my honesty knew no equal, "Nah, I did that. It's how I entered the fortress."
"You must be joking! You're an invited guest and you commit property damage against Lord Shellie? Shellmeful! You are no longer invited to the wedding! I will have to maim you for this!" the shellie readied his weapon.
I put my hands up and tried to reason with the universal handshake, "Blowjob?"
"Wah?" I saw hesitation in the shellie's eyes. His spear lowered a bit, but he became critical, "N-no! Not from a stranger! You must die!"
"Well, I mean, the alternative is the vocabulary word of the day," I informed him.
"What's a vocabulary?"
"Defenestrate!" I punted the shellie. He flew like a football through the hole in the wall.
Close one, I thought; having Sonia, executives, and now enemies sneak up behind me brought about anxiety. I texted Samira, "Oi! Are you here yet? I need my spidey sense."
No response. My gut twisted with concern, but there was nothing I could actually do except wait. I sighed, and noted what the shellie said, "If the wedding is today – friggin' flew through the preamble, Persica – then that means I need to crash it sooner rather than later. Afterwards, I can stitch up any bad feelings with my magic touch. There's nothing like a post-victory orgy after the downfall of a tyrant king."
I checked a few rooms along the hallways and antechambers I travelled through. Some were storage, bathrooms, or barracks. A surprising amount of large pipes were inside the fortress; Marco had been here. Lord Shellie apparently had them painted from their glaring green to a similar white used for the stone.
"He messed with my feng shui. Marco was cruel in more ways than one," Lord Shellie grumbled. Persica rubbed his bicep to soothe the dragon.
"Hush," I scolded my listeners. I peered down into one of the pipes, and was disturbed by the large amount of water that filled its bottom. After seeing a tentacled creature's silhouette swim by, I opted to not venture inside.
"If a wedding is going down, they have to have a chapel or something," I said to myself. I must have uncanny timing, as after I circled another white pipe, I found signage near a split in the halls. One of the signs pointed and read 'Chapel'. I grinned, "Bingo."
I rounded the corner and stopped. At the very end were the very doors to the chapel. Big, red, boss-like, and begging to be pushed open. Between me and the doors was an obstacle course of pure death. Lava pits that sputtered balls of fire like fountains, spinning contraptions of fireballs or long limbs covered in spikes, obvious trap walls and ceilings colored differently from their neighboring slabs, and a heckin' amount of shellies and blushrooms.
The cherry on top, and the most painful truth, was waving at me from in front of the doors. Sonia, untouched by the obstacle course, craned her arm. Her voice echoed to me when she yelled, "Come on, Gamer! You're too slow!"
I only glared while the spinning contraptions and spat fireballs interjected my view. I didn't have a single mean thing to say, the saint that I am, and just waved back to remain friendly. I sighed, "They have to have a backdoor."
I continued along my own hallway, and ignored Sonia's taunts. How could you blame a guy, though? I was very limited on power ups, and I didn't have my navigator.
I eventually found an antechamber that connected two hallways with arches. There were a couple standing lamps and paintings that decorated one side of the antechamber. A cushy sofa and end table were on the other side – and a red-robed lady struggled with her garments at the sofa. The robe was very nun-like, and hugged her figure. The babe had a booty, and the robe rode the ass crack. I couldn't tell what she looked like due how her robes and gloves covered her skin. She wore a gas mask, too, and it obscured me out of her sight.
My dick started to point to the nun from within my pants, and it eventually slipped out due to the broken zipper. He'd never led me wrong before; I trusted his guidance. However, footsteps alerted me to the other hallway. A bunch of people were marching into the antechamber. I jumped behind one of the lamps, which was conveniently Gamer-shaped. A stealth meter appeared at the top of my view; I was fully concealed.
Five chumps stepped into the antechamber. Their muscles bulged against the bracers, collars, and belts strapped to them. Their leather outfits sounded like a BDSM convention. They picked up on the struggling nun. Their eyes flashed with the Illuminati triangle, and their expressions all shifted to dark grimaces.
The five chumps surrounded the nun. They crossed their arms in a disappointed fashion. The nun kneeled onto the sofa and finally got her outfit on properly. Blonde bangs slipped out from the top of the mask. Her muffled voice seemed so enthusiastic, "Oh, finally! Now I can run around and not get into any trouble. Yippee!"
She turned on her knees and saw the massive, dark figures looming over her. They stared at her with pure disgust. The nun gasped through her gas mask, "Aw, man, I immediately found trouble!"
"Care to explain why a little lamb like you is lost? You should be in the chapel preparing for the wedding. Yet here you are, lollygagging and wasting time," one of the chumps cracked their knuckles. The metal band wannabes looked restless, and oddly perturbed by the nun's misplacement.
"Um, I'm okay, actually. I just got done with a hootin' good time. That's how I got this outfit...I knocked a lady out with my tongue!" the nun said chipperly.
"You hear that, boys? We have ourselves a thief," another chump huffed. The squad growled and snarled like a pack of wolves.
"Such weak and lazy actions deserve punishment. You're not worthy..." one of the chumps nudged the nun sideways with ease.
"Hey, easy now. I'm not weak or lazy!" the nun rebutted.
"Look at us, little lamb. We are the elite examples of Lord Shellie's forces," the chumps posed and flexed. The Illuminati mark flashed once more in their eyes, "It is our duty to eliminate low tier losers and lazy noobs. Do you even mog, bro? Nobody will miss trash like you. Hit the lights, boys. This is gonna get ugly."
His buddy nodded and reached over to the lamp. He flicked my dick like a switch. My grunt and the fact the light remained on made the chumps pause. My stiffy twanged like a doorstop.
I had to roleplay to maintain my stealth, "Click."
"Who's there?!" the chumps became defensive. The stealth meter immediately lowered.
I grabbed the lamp and swung it into the face of the closest chump. They crumbled to the floor, and then I readied the lamp like a polearm weapon, "No more of that, assholes! Didn't your mothers teach you how to treat a lady?"
The two chumps closest to the lamp bit forward with shark-like veracity. They tore the lamp's bottom off and left me with a broken weapon.
I gulped, "Heh heh...be gentle..."
The chumps closed in on me. The nun reached under her robe with one hand and pulled it out with a boxing shell equipped. She jumped and bonked two chumps in the back of the head. They hit the floor unconscious, and it alerted the other two. With the distraction, I launched from my position. I dropkicked the remaining chumps and sent them into a wall. They slumped over onto each other in a precarious, sixty-nine pile. I landed next to the nun.