Chapter 2
Darkness.
Then... the smell of vinegar.
That was the first thing Penelope Pickleton noticed.
The smell.
It was sharp. Tangy. Powerful. Like someone had poured ten jars of pickles into a swimming pool and told the air to deal with it.
Her brain slowly turned back on.
"Ugh..." she groaned.
Her head throbbed.
Her ears rang.
Something sticky dripped nearby.
She tried to move.
Something rolled.
Wait.
Rolled?
Penelope froze.
That wasn't right.
People didn't roll.
People walked.
People stumbled.
People definitely did not roll across the floor like loose vegetables.
She tried again.
Her body tilted sideways.
And rolled.
Thump.
Penelope opened her eyes.
Or at least... she tried to.
Everything was blurry at first. Shapes moved around the ruined laboratory. Broken glass sparkled under flickering lights. Smoke drifted lazily toward the ceiling.
Her vision slowly cleared.
She was lying on the lab floor.
The entire room looked like it had been hit by a hurricane made of pickles.
Tables were flipped.
Machines were sparking.
Green brine dripped down the walls.
Penelope groaned again.
"What... happened..."
Then she tried to sit up.
And immediately rolled three feet across the floor.
Thunk.
She bumped into the leg of a table.
Penelope blinked.
"...Okay."
She tried to move her arms.
Nothing happened.
She tried to move her legs.
Still nothing.
A slow feeling of dread crept into her mind.
"That's... weird."
She looked down.
Or at least she tried to look down.
What she saw made her brain stop working.
There were no arms.
There were no legs.
There was only...
Green.
Smooth.
Shiny.
Ridged.
Pickle-shaped.
Penelope stared at herself.
Her brain went completely silent for a moment.
Then she said the most scientific thing she could think of.
"...Oh."
A long pause.
"...OH."
Her voice came out squeaky and echoey.
"NO."
She tried to scream.
What came out was more like a confused squeak.
Penelope rolled in a small circle.
"NO NO NO NO NO."
She rolled faster.
"This is not happening!"
She rolled into a metal cabinet.
CLANG.
"OW!"
She lay there for a moment.
Breathing.
Thinking.
Processing.
"Okay," she whispered.
"Stay calm."
She had always believed in logic.
In science.
In rational thinking.
There had to be an explanation.
She was a scientist.
She would approach this scientifically.
Step one.
Observation.
Penelope slowly rolled toward a broken piece of glass on the floor.
The shard acted like a mirror.
She looked at her reflection.
A large green pickle stared back.
It had shiny skin.
Little bumps.
And two wide eyes.
Penelope screamed.
"AAAAAA!"
A passing scientist in the hallway stopped.
"Did... that pickle just scream?"
Another scientist walked past.
"Nah."
Penelope tried to wave her arms.
She remembered she didn't have arms.
"THIS IS A NIGHTMARE."
She rolled again.
THUMP.
She bumped into something crunchy.
Penelope froze.
"What was that?"
She looked down.
Next to her lay a triangular potato chip.
It was slightly burned.
Crumbs were scattered around it.
The chip twitched.
Penelope stared.
The chip twitched again.
Then it slowly sat up.
The potato chip had tiny stick arms.
Tiny stick legs.
And sunglasses.
It stretched dramatically.
"Wooo," it said. "That was one spicy explosion."
Penelope blinked.
The chip turned and looked at her.
There was a long silence.
They stared at each other.
Then the chip nodded.
"Sup."
Penelope's brain broke.
"You're... a potato chip."
The chip dusted crumbs off his shoulder.
"Correct."
"And you're talking."
"Also correct."
"And I'm a pickle."
The chip shrugged.
"Happens."
Penelope stared at him.
"You are not reacting nearly enough to this situation."
The chip pointed at the destroyed lab.
"Lady, we just survived a glowing brine explosion. I'm surprised the ceiling isn't singing."
He looked at her more closely.
Then his eyes widened.
"Oh wow."
"What?"
"You're a BIG pickle."
Penelope groaned.
"Please stop saying that."
The chip walked around her in a circle.
"Wow. Smooth surface. Nice shine. Classic dill shape."
"STOP."
The chip leaned back and nodded approvingly.
"Respect."
Penelope rolled slightly closer.
"Who are you?"
The chip placed one hand dramatically on his chest.
"The name's Chippy."
He pointed at her.
"And you, my briny friend, are clearly the result of some kind of experimental vegetable disaster."
Penelope sighed.
"That's... actually accurate."
Chippy looked around the destroyed lab.
"So what's the plan?"
"The plan?"
"Yeah. Every origin story needs a plan."
Penelope blinked.
"Origin story?"
Chippy pointed at her.
"You're a talking pickle."
Then he pointed at himself.
"I'm a talking potato chip."
He gestured around the ruined lab.
"And the building looks like it fought a tornado."
He leaned closer.
"This is absolutely an origin story."
Penelope slowly rolled upright.
"That's ridiculous."
"Is it?"
"Yes."
"Is it though?"
Penelope thought about it.
"...Okay maybe a little."
Suddenly the lab doors burst open.
Two security guards rushed inside.
"What happened in here?!"
They froze.
One guard pointed.
"...Is that a pickle?"
The other guard squinted.
"...I think it is."
Penelope whispered to Chippy.
"Don't move."
The first guard walked closer.
He leaned down.
"Hey Steve."
"Yeah?"
"I think this pickle is alive."
Steve shrugged.
"Probably lab waste."
The guard picked Penelope up.
Penelope panicked.
"PUT ME DOWN!"
The guard screamed.
"THE PICKLE TALKED!"
Steve grabbed a clipboard.
"Protocol says talking food goes to the cafeteria."
Penelope gasped.
"WHAT?!"
Chippy jumped onto the guard's arm.
"CRUNCH ATTACK!"
The guard yelped and dropped Penelope.
She bounced across the floor.
Boing.
"RUN!" Chippy shouted.
Penelope rolled toward the hallway.
She was surprisingly fast.
"WHY AM I SO FAST?"
"LESS TALKING MORE ROLLING!"
They burst out into the lab corridor.
Scientists screamed.
One dropped a tray of cucumbers.
"THE PICKLE ESCAPED!"
Penelope rolled faster.
She burst through the front doors of the building.
Sunlight hit her shiny green surface.
She rolled onto the sidewalk.
Cars screeched to a stop.
Pedestrians froze.
A kid pointed.
"Mom?"
"Yes honey?"
"That Chip has sunglasses."
Chippy adjusted his shades.
"Style matters."
Penelope looked around.
For the first time since the explosion...
She saw the full skyline of Snackopolis.
Towering buildings.
Billboards advertising burgers.
Delivery scooters racing down the streets.
And hundreds of confused people staring at a pickle and a potato chip standing in the middle of the sidewalk.
Penelope slowly looked at Chippy.
Chippy looked at her.
"Well," he said.
"Looks like we're outside."
Penelope sighed.
"I used to have a normal life."
Chippy nodded.
"Those are overrated."
Suddenly a loud explosion echoed from across the city.
Smoke rose above Burger Boulevard.
Sirens began wailing.
People started shouting.
"What's happening now?!"
Chippy grinned.
"Oh."
He pointed dramatically toward the rising smoke.
"Definitely an origin story."