Where the hell is he? It's been like two hours.
I'm about to pass out.
You know, on account of being beaten horribly and tied upside down.
In a cold, abandoned factory.
By some unknown masked thugs who grabbed me.
From my small yet very cozy apartment
in the middle of me and Yip's Golden Girls marathon
and tossed me in a surprisingly clean van.
Oh, and Yip's my dog, in case you're wondering.
Now, as for the reason I was kidnapped and am currently held hostage—
that would be because they wanted to lure out my best friend,
Dante...
who's also a world-renowned superhero.
"Hey, motherfucker! Who told you to stop screaming for help?"
The masked man walked back up and kicked me in the stomach,
sending me swinging back and forth like a piñata.
Cough. Cough!.
And the bleeding starts again.
"You hear that, your friend Super Ultimate Cool Man?
He's not looking too good. If you're not here in the next five seconds, he's dead!"
Every time I hear Dante's superhero name, I low-key do want to die.
Because that shit's so ass.
Can't really blame him, though—he did come up with it at eleven,
when he first got his powers.
The masked man lifted his rifle and aimed it right at my handsome, roughed-up face.
"Watch every window and entrance like a hawk! He'll be here!"
the gun-pointing asshole said.
"On it!"
responded the other three even-less-memorable thugs.
"Five!"
And so it begins. I know I sound pretty chill,
knowing my brain's about to look like your mom's spaghetti,
but my reason for that is solid.
"Four!"
This is pretty tame compared to some of the other
batshit stuff that's happened to me this month alone.
Just four days ago, I was grabbed off the street by an actually pretty well-known
villain of Dante's called Stonebone—whose powers, weirdly, have nothing
to do with his name.
"Three!"
He can turn into fire.
"Two!"
Back to the point, though—he tied me up and put me in a huge pot,
because, you know, villains. Am I right?
Now, the really weird part was when he took off his—
"One!"
Shit, sorry guys. Can't finish the story—you know, since I'm about to be killed.
A cliffhanger's arguably worse, though, so again... sorry.
"He really ain't show! He's got suppa hearin'!"
Masked guy's pissed.
"Well, screw it! I was gonna kill yo ass anyway!"
He starts slowly squeezing the trigger. I close my eyes.
Pow!
The gun goes off...
Am I dead?
"Ha ha ha...!"
I know that laugh.
My eyes creep open, and I see the bullet in breathing distance—
but he grabbed it.
"Hey Joe! Super Ultimate Cool Man is here to save you!"
...My hero.