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Pretty normal Growday, if I'm honest. Although I won't lie, I'm just going through the motions. Yesterday with Bronson was a welcome reprieve. But the worries all came back in strength.
It wasn't until the day was almost over and we had gotten ready for bed that Sophia spoke up.
"You're worried about something."
Sophia can forever read me like a book. Well, to be fair, apparently everyone can. I guess I'm not the most subtle person in the world.
"Yeah, I am." I said.
"Is that why you spent the day with Bronson yesterday?"
"Kinda? He just turned up. I feel weird about yesterday, like I didn't misjudge Bronson. He really is awful, but also he's a surprising amount of fun."
"Bronson?"
"Yeah."
"Are we talking about the same Bronson?"
"I'm as surprised as you are."
"The same Bronson who once told me 'I was a peak female for understanding that my role is to carry the offspring of real men'?"
Annnnd I'm back to wanting to kill him.
No, wait.
'That's another Sophia jealousy thing, isn't it?'
[We believe that you would have a different reaction had he said the same thing to a different woman.]
'Ughhh.'
I focus back on Sophia, "Yeah, while I currently want to kill him again. We did actually have a lot of fun yesterday. He helped me get out of my head a little."
"Mhm?"
"You are my first relationship, you know." I ventured.
"I had assumed, but hearing it makes me surprisingly happy." Sophia smiles.
Yeah, well, I'm learning a lot about myself. I don't think I'm very normal, for a relationship, I mean.
Sophia is quiet for a bit. "Is this about Vincent?"
"Yes. No. Kinda," I sigh, "I'm jealous. But way too jealous, you know?"
Fuck I really don't want to say the next bit. I want her to be mine. All mine. For her to never look at anyone else!
No, Tangerine, stop. You can do this. That line of thinking will only lead you to a bad place. She will end up resenting you.
"It's normal, you know. For you to be attracted to other people. That is a very normal human thing. You shouldn't feel bad about it because I'm having an outsized reaction."
Sophia pulls me into a warm hug. "You know I only love you right. That I am yours."
"Yes, I know. I don't think you would cheat for a second. But you are also discovering who you are. What you like and don't like, and that's totally okay. You should do that, it's normal, and I don't want to make you feel bad about it because I'm acting insane."
"You're not acting insane?"
"But I am. Gestalt is helping me, and you don't really know, because this is your first relationship too, but I am definitely acting insane."
"Don't tell me what I know." Sophia looks a little miffed now.
"Sorry, I didn't mean it like that."
"Yes, you did. You think I'm a sweet, innocent nun who's never had a bad thought in her life. I am not, and I need you to stop seeing me that way. I have helped deliver dozens of babies, helped many women get pregnant, watched over children when they were sick, and watched some of them not make it. I came along with you on the raid and helped you kill a vampire."
Sophia sighs, "You need to stop seeing me as your precious little angel. I am not. Yes, while I am new to relationships and everything that comes with it, I am not struggling."
"But…" I start.
"No buts, I am gathering that you seem to be a little more jealous than the average person. That is okay, I can handle that. There is a part of me that even likes it."
"But I don't want to stop you exploring your sexuality and stuff…"
"Why?" she asks.
"Why what?"
"Why don't you want to stop me?"
"Because…" Wait, what is the reason? Like, I know there is a good reason, we shouldn't be controlling of our partners. I mean, I do want to stop her, emotionally speaking, and that's bad. But why is it bad? Is it because she might find something she likes better?
That's the reason... She should explore so she finds the best thing for herself, even if it isn't me.
Fuck.
You should explore so you know that you're getting the best relationship for yourself.
"I already did."
"Wha?"
"I said I already did that."
"When?"
"When I met you, silly. I knew what I wanted. I was going to be a nun, and then you turned up in my life and turned everything upside down. It took a while, but I finally worked out what I really wanted. It was you, but also more than that, I want to be in charge of my own life. Like you are. You decide you want to do something, and then you make it happen. You don't wait to be told, you don't ask for permission. You just make it happen, that's what I want for my life."
Sophia strokes my hair, "And one of the things I have decided is that I want to be in a relationship with you. I am aware that you are different. That is one of the many reasons I want you, and I can handle that. I can handle your jealousy. I will say the things that will help you keep it under control. If you need to take me away from everyone else to settle your feelings - I will go willingly."
She cups my chin, "Tangerine Stone, I am yours. Forever, okay?"
Not gonna lie, that was all music to my ears.
"But what about Ria? Or… Vincent? What if you are really straight? And I'm stopping you from getting what you truly want?" I ask.
"Yes, I did need to think about my feelings and what I truly wanted. But come on, I am an adult, not a confused teenage girl. It didn't take me that long to figure it out. I definitely prefer women, and even then, I prefer a certain type of woman. Vincent was intriguing, he was attractive when he was acting all sweet and coy in front of Lillian. Given no other choice I could see myself being with him, I wouldn't hate it. But it certainly wouldn't be my first choice, given the option I think I would always choose a woman over any man."
Woo, that was rough for me to listen too. Maybe I should kill Vincent. Wait, no, this is a good thing right?
"But all of that is a moot point, because I do not need to choose any other woman or man. I already have the one I want, and I love every part of her."
Who is this bitch!
Sophia kisses me, "I love you."
Oh yeah!
"I love all of you. Every single thing that makes you who you are. Including your jealousy. In fact a guilty secret of mine, - is when you threaten Vincent - it made me feel a certain way. In my lower half."
Oh, ohhhhhhh. Holy shit!
"You are the only person that has made me feel that way, and you do it often."
Holy shit, holy shit!
"When you get possessive, I like it."
"When you are clever, I like it."
"When you're bold, I like it."
"When you tuck your hair behind your ear, I like it so much I want to bite you."
Holy fucking shit!!!
"I dream about the way you looked, when I made you drink the water. Nobody else makes me feel this way, only you. I love you like I love no other. But I also desire you, like I desire no other."
I am putty in her hands. I have turned to jelly.
She whispers in my ear, "what is that dark niggling thought that keeps us separated? What is it that you are too scared to tell me?"
It slips out before I can stop it. "I, I want to lock you away. So nobody else can ever see you but me."
"Mhm? Is that all?" Sophia gets up off the bed, takes the room key from its key holder. Locks our door and then hands the key over to me.
I take it tentatively.
"As long as you stay with me, you can lock me away any time." she said.
Relief floods my heart. Wait. No, this is bad, this can't be healthy at all!
"This isn't right." I said.
"Are you treating me like your delicate little angel again? I like it. I like it that you are possessive over me. I like the fact you want to make me all yours. Also, I know that you will go stir crazy trapped in a room after an hour or two, so I'm not really worried. This is a relief that is easy for me to give."
She leans over me. Her fingers tracing across my collar bone. "Does it feel good? Both of us, locked in this room, where nobody else can see?"
"Yes." I managed to croak out.
"Good girl."
Ohhhh god!
"There is something I want from you." She whispers quietly, still leaning over me. Our hair mixing in its beautiful contrast.
"Y-yeah?" I stammer.
"That messy face you made. I want to see it again."
WHAT!?
Is she saying what I think she's saying??
"I-I, what? R-right here?!"
"We are in bed… Is this not the appropriate place? Hmm, no you are correct. I have been talking to Daisy and she has been most informative about your needs. This won't do."
She got up and moved away from the bed, leaving me laying there, stunned. She goes to the desk and takes the chair, picks it up and carries over to the side of the bed. And then sits on it, facing towards my laying form. She lifts her legs onto the bed, where they brush against my hip.
Somehow she has a glass of water in her hand.
That glass.
She takes a sip. "Begin." She said.
What? WHAT?! She wants to watch me? Like, touch myself? In front of her! AHHHHH!
"I don't know what…" I try.
"I don't really know what to do." She cuts me off. "I was a nun, and rather busy with spirits at night. So I'm afraid I can't help you this first time. But Daisy informs me that you know how to make that face yourself, and that you would be more than willing to show me."
I should have known. I'm being trolled by Daisy, again.
Thank you!
"Y-you want me to show you?"
"Yes, I have been told I'm quite the fast learner. So please, teach me."
I lay back on the bed and stare at the ceiling. Very aware of Sophia's piercing gaze from my left. She wants me to masturbate, in front of her. I'm so embarrassed that I think I'm blushing with my entire body.
But holy shit, this might be the hottest thing that has ever happened to me.
Of course I'm going to do it.
I let out a little breath, still looking up at the ceiling. I reach my hands down to my thighs. I slowly gather up the material of my long nightdress. I can feel the end of it, as it slowly drags up my legs.
I didn't bother putting on the bloody belt for bed today, as aunt flow has seemed to run her course. So there's nothing underneath my night dress.
As the night dress passes over my hips, the embarrassment grows. Sophia has seen me naked many, many times. Most days in fact. But this feels different, this time I am naked for her, so she can look at me. God that is so fucking hot.
I bite my bottom lip, over the whole situation.
I go to reach between my legs. "No." Sophia says, "take it off. All the way."
Oh god. Her voice, it's so fucking commanding.
I obey, because how could I not?
I cross my arm, grab the hem of my night dress, lean forward and pull it over my head. I lay back down on the bed, naked before her. Of course I arch my back a little. I'm biting my bottom lip so hard I can taste blood.
I have some light freckling across my nose, shoulder blades and chest. You normally can barely tell that it's there, unless it's summer and the sun actually managed to catch me. But right now they are very obvious because of my full body blush. My nipples are so hard you could cut glass.
I wonder if she's looking?
I need to know.
I glance at her. Holy shit! Yes, she is looking at them. She is very much looking at them. Sophia might be biting her bottom lip as hard as me. She is definitely as red as I am.
I think she's squirming!
Oh god yes, this is working for her. She likes this. I like this. Honestly, at this point, I'm worried that I'm going to orgasm too fast.
Feeling more confident, I decide to make her feel as frustrated as I am. With the fingertips of my right hand, I trace little circles on my hip. I watch her as she watches my fingers slowly run up my stomach and glide over my chest. I trace its shape until my nipple ends up between my thumb and forefingers. I pull. Even expecting the sensation, it still elicits a gasp from my lips.
A gasp which is matched by a sharp intake of breath - from my watching angel.
I let go, and ran my fingers around the shape of my breast again, making sure my angel could see every motion.
My left hand comes to my lips, the first two fingers dip inside, to moisten them.
Once wet, I press my hand between my legs. I probably didn't need the extra moisture; I don't think I've ever been so ready.
My fingers press between my folds. Roaming up till they brush against my clit. It's practically yearning to be touched. Imagine if this was Sophia's hand, instead of my own.
I trace lazy circles on my clit. That's not what it wants; it wants to be rubbed out into oblivion. But I don't want to finish too fast, because if I keep this up, a certain Silver-haired angel might break before I do.
She hasn't moved from the chair, but her toes are reaching out for me. Making soft indentations on my hip and waist.
I rest my arm on the tops of her feet, making sure she can feel every motion of my busy hand. Angling my body slightly to the left, so she can see everything.
I have never felt so exposed.
I have never felt so hot.
I can't help myself anymore, I watch her with needy eyes, as I rub circles faster. I would do anything for her to come over here and touch me. I want her to break me, to make me hers.
I am moaning now, breathy, quiet moans, but moans all the same. Sophia is looking at me with unbridled want written across her face.
I am so close.
I notice a slight amount of friction between my heat and my fingers, I lift my hand to bring it back to my lips.
"Stop." Sophia says when my fingers tips are halfway to my mouth.
I freeze.
She stands up from her chair and leans over the bed. She takes my fingers in her mouth. Licking sclean the taste of me.
My heart jackhammers. I can feel the warmth of her mouth, the delicate strength of her tongue. The way she closes her eyes, as if she is enjoying a meal so fine, that to keep them open would be sensory overload.
My fingers pop free from her lips, freshly moistened. She doesn't return to her chair. Instead she leans over me. Looks me directly in the eyes and says, "Continue."
With the eye contact, and what just happened in her mouth, I survived two more circles before the pressure is too much and the dam breaks. My body bucks and my thighs clamp together, crushing my hand. My nipples become too sensitive to touch. My right hand flies out and grabs hold of Sophia's night dress, as the waves of my orgasm rack across my body.
I am sweaty and bleary. The orgasm is my strongest yet, safety beating the glass of water incident. I look up at her as she leans over me.
She strokes my cheek. "There she is," she says. "My beautiful, messy saviour." She seals my lips with hers, kissing me with a hungry desire. Both of our lips are sore to the touch, I can taste trace amounts of iron, it could have come from either of us.
The need for air forces us to separate. She strokes my face again. "Mine." She says, "all mine."
And I couldn't agree more.
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