***
I'm chilling out on one of the academy balconies, not far from its barge ports. I'm watching the barges and voidships come and go as they load and unload their cargo. I even spot Gideon board one of the more impressive voidships, making his way to some realm or other.
I wanted a little time alone today, well, time away from Sophia. I'm really not liking how crazy I'm getting around her. I thought once we got together and she became my girlfriend, it would get better. But it only seems to have gotten worse.
"What's a delightful little crumpet like you, doing alone all by yourself?"
Fuck, I really don't have time for this bullshit right now.
"Fuck off Bronson."
"A fine lady like yourself shouldn't sully her pretty little mouth with the foul words of men."
"For the love of… Bronson, I will shoot you. Apparently I'm crazy enough to do it."
"No, I don't think you will. There isn't a silver haired angel around here, with melons crafted by the gods."
… I mean the fucker isn't wrong. But still! Those are my melons crafted by the gods! Wait, no, don't start talking like him. Breasts. Boobs. Tits. Not fucking melons, she's not a tree.
'Do melons grow on trees?'
[We live in a dark basement, why would we know?]
"Bronson, if you keep talking about Sophia that way, I will shoot you for real."
"Yes, yes. You've laid claim on the scrumptious sister. Everyone is very aware." He flexes at me. "I would have you know that I don't need to chase. Pretty people come to me, and I pick and choose at my leisure."
God he is such an arsehole. But somehow, that does make me feel a little better. Like my threat radar chilled out a little. "What do you want Bronson?"
"Can a classmate not enjoy the company of other classmates? We even have something in common, we both enjoy big knocke…"
"Stop." I cut him off. I mean he's right, I am probably more of a boob girl than a butt girl. But I don't want to share any category with fucking Bronson.
"You are not denying it, I know a person of culture when I see one."
They have a relevant concept for a 'person of culture' in Fracture, but not 'girlfriend'. This language is so weird.
Fuck it, maybe I just throw the brute an olive branch. "No, I won't deny it. There is nothing better in any realm."
"I knew it! You are truly a lady of taste. Now tell me, what's it like being able to see them in the mirror every day? It must be wonderful to be able to play with your fun bags whenever you want."
What the fuck? You give a dude an inch, and he sprints a fucking mile. I should just shoot him.
I take a deep breath. There is value in everybody; he is trying to meet me halfway, I should attempt to do the same. Even if halfway between us is still the gutter. "I'm afraid it doesn't work like that, Bronson."
"Really? That's disappointing."
"Think of it this way, I've seen you look at the elf twins."
"Who wouldn't."
"Me, I don't like boys."
"What? At all?"
"Nope."
"But… But that's so limiting?!"
"Just the way I'm wired, anyway that's beside the point. I imagine your own dick wouldn't have the same effect as some hot elf dick right?"
"I'm afraid I don't follow?"
"Other people's bodies are hot to you, in a way that your own body isn't?"
"No? My body is extremely hot. Probably the hottest." He flexes, because of course he does. "I will stand in the mirror for hours. I get myself all hot and bothered, all of the time."
He leans forward, as to be conspiratorial. "Sometimes, I helicopter."
This broke my brain for two reasons. First the mental image of Bronson getting off to himself, helicoptering in the mirror. Second, how is helicoptering a concept here?!
[The more direct translation is watermilling, but you wouldn't have understood that reference. The concept remains the same. Don't think too hard about it.]
'You know what, I won't. Also could you scrub that mental image from my mind?'
[And give up the opportunity to send it to Lillian and Shiv?]
'...Yeah, you're right. Send it to them instead.'
I adjust the size of Bronson's mental dick, and resend it.
I go to readjust the dick again, and what the fuck am I doing! I don't want to know any of this! I'm being trolled!
[No, no. You should re-adjust it. We are sure you will get it right this time.]
'It's you!' I feel betrayed! Has Gestalt been trolling me this entire time?
[Yes, obviously. You know this, we have openly told you more than once.]
'Yeah I know. I'm just bored and if I end this thought train I have to go back to talking to Bronson.'
[Honestly, he's probably as bad for your mental health as Sophia is.]
'RUDE!'
'Bronson will never be able to compete with my angel - at anything!'
"Hello?" Bronson waves a hand in my face. "You just twinkled off with the fairies there for a while? Are you having a woman moment?"
"What?! No, fuck you!"
"Ohhh anger too. Is it your time of the month?"
I am going to shoot this motherfucker!
It really doesn't help that he's right. About the timing! Not about it affecting my mood. Fucking pigman!
"Bronson, you really need to learn how to talk to women."
"Why? I've never had any problem getting the ladies." More flexing. "Honestly it's better when they don't talk anyway."
I hold my head in my hands. "Bronson, please. I'm trying here. Meet me halfway at least." Honestly I'm not used to being on this side of the dynamic. With Lillian and Shiv I can just match freak for freak. Is this how Sophia and Daisy feel?
"What do you mean?"
"Bronson."
"Yes?"
"I'm a woman."
"Are you sure, you seem like a girl to me. I'm pretty sure you need a man to make a real woman out of you."
AGHHHHHH!!!!!
[Breathe.]
Bronson continues. "That does raise the question though. Will you and Sophia ever become real women? What with you being scissor sisters and all that."
"What? Wait, does that mean you have to get dicked down to become a real man?"
"Hmmm, no, it also counts if you go to pound town on another man. It takes a real man to both pitch and catch."
"I… Honestly Bronson you might be the most confusing person I have ever met."
"That's okay buttercup. Don't worry your pretty little head about it."
'I am going to fucking kill him.'
[We can get rid of the body.]
"Bronson, why are you bothering me? I'm trying to wallow in peace here."
"Because Tangerine, as girly as you are, you have the air of a true man about you."
What the fuck?!
"What the fuck?!"
"You've got spunk, young lady. I like your balls."
"Please Bronson for the love of god, tell me why you are here?"
"You have the mind of a true killer. But the body of a limpy baby girl, I want to mold you into a giant."
"What?"
"Come work out with me. You may never be a real woman. But I can turn you into a real man."
"Fuck no. I already work out with Lillian. That's painful enough."
"Lillian is a real woman. Big strong shoulders. I like that. But, she doesn't know what's best for you. Not like I do. You may have a weak baby body, but you have strength in mana that nobody else has. I can teach you how to use that."
"Look, Bronson… I'm not really in the right head space here."
"Tangerine, do you think that I do not understand?" He starts doing some deep lunges, extremely deep. "To be confused and mentally terrorized by a hot girl? There is nothing more manly than that!"
"I…" Fuck, in his own truly awful way, I think he's actually trying to help? "You know what, fuck it. Let's work out. I can't be bothered with second runes class anyway."
***
Bronson has me training in a totally different way than Lillian does. We are still picking up and putting down heavy shit, but Bronson has me cycling mana as I do it. He showed me a sort of enchantment that allows you to run the mana through your muscles and skeleton. Vastly increasing my strength and toughness.
I gotta say it feels really good. The heavy shit that I am picking up is much much heavier than what I was able to lift before. Bronson isn't a cowboy about it either. He has me doing very specific movements while cycling the mana in different ways. To promote muscle growth and reduce the chance of possible injury.
It honestly freaks me out that Bronson isn't actually an idiot. Because that means he's this way on purpose.
We sit down for a break, and yeah, I'm sweaty and hot. But honestly, this is the best workout I've ever had.
"With the amount of mana you can draw, I knew that this would work for you."
"Yeah, not gonna lie. This is fucking awesome. How did you learn about it?"
"A little bit of witch totty wanted to join me at the gym. I developed this program so she could get strong without getting any of those unsightly muscles."
"...And you ruined it."
"Hey, come now, those were her words, not mine. I like a floozy that can bench press." He flexes in the gym mirror. "Are you feeling better about your girl problems?"
Do I think he's talking about my period or Sophia?
"Yeah, honestly. This has been great for clearing the mind, thank you."
"Yeah, this is how real men deal with girl problems. Feelings are for weenies, just bury them under raw iron." More flexing.
"Yeah, you know I've always felt that feelings are overrated, they just get in the way really."
Bronson offers me a fist, and like a true bro, I bump it. Because Bronson is right, feelings are for weenies!
We get back to the GRIND. I spent the rest of the day chilling with Bronson in the gym, and there is something freeing about hanging out with a total arsehole.
After the gym we grab a bite to eat. We check out women together, we rate all the hot women and hot men in the Academy - in order of both fuckabilty and tit size. The feminist inside of me is screaming, but fuck that bitch, she would just have me waxing and waning about how bad it would be to lock Sophia up in a basement forever.
"Bronson." I ask, "how do you handle being jealous?"
"Oh that's easy, I'm just so much more impressive than any other person that my partner could get - that I have no worries. From me, someone can only trade down."
Honestly, that is the most Bronson answer ever. Another thing has occurred to me, for as horrible as Bronson is. He hasn't made a single pass at me. It's almost like his brain went, 'She likes women? She must be a real man.' and that's the box I'm in now. It's both awful and freeing. He is just treating me like one of the bros, and I love it. This is what I wanted back on Earth.
Don't get me wrong, I'm a woman, I love being a woman. But there's a big part of me that just wanted to hang with the guys, because they got it. They liked girls and video games just like me. But every time I tried, they would always get weird about it. One of them would make a pass, or they would start fighting over me in weird, underhanded ways. They never saw me as a bro, just as a potential girlfriend.
But that's not the case with Bronson.
The real man who is currently flexing in front of a bunch of ladies, calling them scrumptious crumpets. Unbelievable, it's somehow working. I think I actually saw a girl swoon.
"You know what Bronson," I say as he returns to our table. "Never change."
"Change this? Silly Kumquat."
"I'm perfect."
***
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