Deadpool grabbed the microphone with both hands, his eyes widening through his mask. "You got it, tum! Option number one coming in hotter than a freshly microwaved chimichanga! Grab your hair gel and your favorite eye-coverings, because Ring 27 is about to become a copyright lawyer's worst nightmare! We've got the battle of the most overpowered, irresponsible teachers in anime history!"
(umm nice build up)
Down in Ring 27, the atmosphere was painfully relaxed. Most fighters in the other rings were screaming, charging their lasers, or throwing mountains at each other. But here, the air was completely silent, except for the sound of flipping pages.
Heimdall cleared his throat, looking at his notes. "Match Number Four! The strongest Jujutsu Sorcerer, Satoru Gojo, versus the Copy Ninja, Kakashi Hatake! Uh... fighters, whenever you're ready?"
Neither of them moved.
Kakashi was standing with his hands in his pockets, casually reading a battered copy of Make-Out Tactics. His Hitai-ate headband was pulled down over his left eye, and his mask covered the rest of his face.
Across from him, Satoru Gojo stood tall, wearing his signature black blindfold and a smug grin. He was busy typing on his smartphone, probably texting Megumi a picture of a funny-looking cloud.
"So," Kakashi finally muttered, not looking up from his book. "Spiky white hair. Covers his eyes. Acts like he doesn't care but is secretly ridiculously overpowered. You're the guy who stole my entire aesthetic, huh?"
"Stole? Please," Gojo chuckled, putting his phone in his pocket. "I took your aesthetic and gave it a budget. I make the 'cool, mysterious sensei' look expensive. Plus, my students actually win their fights without summoning giant toads."
The Untouchable Flex
Kakashi sighed, closing his little orange book and putting it away. "Fair enough. Let's get this over with. I have a reservation at a barbecue place in an hour."
Kakashi didn't weave signs. He just dropped his stance, and the sound of a thousand chirping birds filled the arena. Blue lightning crackled violently around his right hand as he activated his Chidori. In a split second, he vanished, reappearing directly in front of Gojo with his lightning-coated hand thrust straight toward Gojo's chest.
But the attack didn't land.
Kakashi's hand stopped exactly one millimeter away from Gojo's uniform. The lightning sparked and hissed, but it simply couldn't close the final microscopic distance.
"Interesting barrier jutsu," Kakashi noted calmly, his hand still suspended in mid-air.
"It's not a barrier. It's the concept of Infinity brought to reality," Gojo smiled, leaning forward so his blindfolded face was inches from Kakashi's masked one. "The closer you get to me, the slower you go. You literally cannot touch me. But I can touch you."
The Ultimate Information Overload
Gojo casually raised his hand, pointing two fingers at Kakashi. "Cursed Technique Reversal: Red."
A massive blast of repelling red energy erupted, blowing Kakashi completely out of the ring! But the moment the dust cleared, the "Kakashi" that landed outside the ring turned out to be a wooden log. Substitution Jutsu.
"Classic," Gojo laughed, turning around to see the real Kakashi standing behind him, lifting his headband to reveal the glowing red Sharingan eye.
"Kamui," Kakashi whispered, attempting to warp Gojo's head into another dimension.
But Gojo's Infinity warped space right back, nullifying the visual jutsu. Gojo shook his head, looking almost disappointed. "Nice eye. But if we're going to show off our eyes, I guess I should end this."
Gojo reached up and slowly pulled down his black blindfold, revealing his glowing, crystal-blue Six Eyes. The sheer amount of aura radiating from him caused the stone floor to levitate.
"Domain Expansion: Unlimited Void."
The entire ring was instantly swallowed by a black abyss filled with galaxies and infinite streams of data. Kakashi was caught right in the center. Gojo's domain forced the target's brain to receive all the information in the universe at once, completely paralyzing them.
But something weird happened.
Because Kakashi's brain was so heavily wired around reading Jiraiya's romantic-comedy novels, the "Infinite Universe Data" accidentally filtered through his specific interests. Instead of receiving the secrets of the cosmos, Kakashi's brain was suddenly flooded with the infinite, unwritten plotlines of every Make-Out Tactics sequel that would ever exist.
Kakashi stood frozen. His Sharingan spun wildly. A massive, comical nosebleed erupted from his nose, soaking his mask.
"Too... much... plot..." Kakashi mumbled. His eyes rolled back into his head, and he collapsed onto the floor, completely knocked out with a satisfied thumbs-up.
"Match Four goes to Satoru Gojo!" Heimdall shouted, extremely confused as to why the ninja was bleeding from the nose. Gojo secured the third spot in the Semi-Finals!
Up in the booth, Deadpool was howling. "He defeated him with the power of infinite fan-fiction, tum! That's a flawless victory! We've got 46 matches left, and the Semi-Final mosh pit is starting to look legendary!"
Match 5 (Ring 33): Escanor vs. Yujiro Hanma. The Pinnacle of Humanity vs. The Ogre. Just two impossibly muscular men trying to out-flex each other.
Match 6 (Ring 45): Alucard vs. Ryomen Sukuna. The ultimate battle of pure, terrifying evil and endless regeneration.
Match 7 (Ring 18): Saitama's Disciple Steps Up - Genos vs. Iron Man. The battle of the high-tech, beam-spamming cyborgs!