Saitama was still on his knees, staring into the abyss of the smoking parking garage. He looked like he'd just watched the heat death of the universe, but really, he was just doing the math on how many supermarket coupons he'd need to offset a 2,000 yen loss.
"Get up, you bald-headed drama queen!" Deadpool shouted, his voice high-pitched because his lungs were still only the size of walnuts. He was currently waddling around on tiny, smooth baby legs that hadn't grown toenails yet. "We have a mission! tum, look at him! He'll take a planet-busting beam to the face without blinking, but a lost ticket ruins his life?! This is why people think you're a sidekick, Saitama!"
"It's the principle, Wade," Saitama whispered, his voice trembling. "If I let the mall win this time... what's next? Paying full price for organic eggs? I won't do it. I'm going to the top."
The Queue of Eternal Suffering
They reached the "Information & Refunds" desk on the second floor. The line was longer than the list of One Piece filler episodes.
Dio Brando (JoJo's BZ) was at the front, screaming because his "World-Famous" hair gel was confiscated at security. "I HAVE STAND POWER! I HAVE THE WORLD! I WILL NOT BE DENIED MY EXTRA-HOLD POMADE!"
Kurapika (Hunter x Hunter) was standing behind him, his eyes glowing scarlet. "I am here to reclaim the eyes of my clan... or at least a refund for this broken toaster I bought at Bed, Bath, & Beheaded."
Vash the Stampede (Trigun) was trying to explain that the bullet holes in his donuts weren't his fault.
Bakugo (MHA) was just blowing up a trash can because the Wi-Fi was slow.
"MOVE IT, YOU SPIKY-HAIRED EXTRAS!" Deadpool yelled, shoving past a very confused Ken Kaneki (Tokyo Ghoul), who was just trying to find a coffee shop that served "special" meat. "Main characters coming through! Make way for the guy with the baby legs and the man who's too cheap to die!"
The Galactic Manager
Finally, they reached the counter. Sitting in a hovering, high-tech pod behind a reinforced glass shield was the Mall's Floor Manager: Frieza (Dragon Ball Z). He was wearing a tiny headset over his purple ear-holes and looking at a digital clipboard with pure, concentrated disdain.
"Next," Frieza sighed, not looking up. "Whatever your complaint is, the answer is no. Unless you're here to offer me a planet for destruction, please move to the 'Complaints' department, which is located inside the sun."
"Listen here, you purple-lipped space-tyrant!" Deadpool barked, slamming his tiny baby hands on the counter. "My friend here lost his parking ticket because a giant bird-alien sat on the validation machine! tum, tell him! It's a literal 'Act of God'! Give him his 2,000 yen or I'll tell everyone you wear a corset!"
Frieza looked up, his eyes narrowing as he spotted Saitama's blank stare. "A bald monkey? How quaint. Tell me, monkey, do you have the receipt for your entry? No? Then the fee is non-negotiable. I don't care if the galaxy imploded in the garage. No ticket, no exit."
The "Serious" Negotiation
The air in the mall suddenly got very heavy. A vein throbbed on Saitama's shiny scalp. He leaned forward, his face inches from the glass.
"I'm going to count to three," Saitama said, his voice dropping into a register that made Frieza's tail twitch involuntarily. "One: I want my refund. Two: I want a voucher for the Panda Express you guys let get blown up. Three..."
"And if I refuse?" Frieza sneered, charging a small spark of purple energy at his fingertip. "What will a hairless primate like you do? Throw a tantrum? I've survived the vacuum of space and—"
"Three."
Saitama didn't punch. He just tapped the glass with one finger.
The "Indestructible" reinforced security shield didn't just crack—it turned into fine sand. The shockwave blew Frieza's headset off, sent his hovering pod spinning into a Starbucks across the hallway, and caused Aizen's voice over the intercom to skip like a scratched CD.
"Refund," Saitama repeated, holding out his hand.
Frieza, upside down in a pile of frappuccino cups, scrambled to find his wallet. "O-of course! Here! Take 5,000 yen! And a 'Buy One, Get One' coupon for Gap Kids! Just... stay away from my floor!"
The Victory Lap
"VICTORY!" Deadpool cheered, hitching a ride on Saitama's shoulder since his baby legs were tired. "We did it, tum! We beat the system! We're rich! We're practically the 1% now!"
"I still had to pay for the gas to get here," Saitama muttered, looking at the 5,000 yen. "It's a net gain of 1,200 yen if you account for the depreciation of my boots... hmm..."
Suddenly, the mall's floor began to shift. The linoleum turned into a moving walkway, speeding them toward the elevators. Aizen's voice returned, sounding slightly panicked.
"Fine! If you want to play 'Customer Service,' come to the Penthouse!" Aizen roared. "I have invited the Phantom Troupe to my office for a 'Business Seminar.' If you want to leave this mall, you'll have to get through a room full of thieves, killers, and a very annoyed Soul Reaper!"